Posted by Daisym on March 31, 2007, at 0:31:23
I get all mixed up about why I am there and if it is even worth all the angst. I'm not attached in anyway to the group, except intellectually. I missed last week and didn't even think about it. So why do I go?
1) I started going to dilute my dependency with my therapist. That didn't happen. If anything, I'm more attached than ever.
2) I go to practice "telling."
3) I went looking for a shortcut through all these feelings -- like someone else might have a magic answer. They didn't
4) I'm trying to not be so together but rather more vulnerable with people.
So I know pretty clearly that group could be good for me. But the truth is, I feel excluded a lot of the time. The therapist for the group seems to not really know what to do with me, she says, "that makes sense to me" a lot. I share, but then I have my own insights and strategies so there is no real need for "help." I've told the details of one abuse episode only once. From that I learned that I don't want "gee that was awful" feedback. What I need is "we believe you and it wasn't your fault." It was hard to tell them that but I did. But since then I haven't shared again, even though we agreed to take turns and no one has asked me to share anything. It is hard not to read that as "your story was too hard to hear" OR "what the heck are you complaining about, that was nothing." (Amazing how my brain works, isn't it?) And then one of our group members (we are currently a very small group of three plus the therapist since we've lost two) told us that she and her individual therapist have decided that she needs to not be so immersed in abuse "stuff" so she is letting it go and allowing forgiveness into her life/heart. I'm really glad for her, I want her to find peace. Our therapist said, "you are experiencing healing." I felt upset, like I'm doing it all wrong because not only do I not feel forgiveness, I don't want to. I'm angry and I want everyone to know I'm angry.This week I did about a 10 minute check in (at the most) and then someone else talked for like 1/2 hour. There was a lot of back and forth between her and the therapist. (She said, "makes sense to me" when I summed up). After that, another group member talked about how hard it is to be herself when she feels vulnerable. The therapist actually turned to another group member and asked her what she thought about that and essentially the three of them talked about it. I was sort of stung, particularly since I said during my own check in that I was struggling with wanting to be vulnerable with someone but it felt terrifying to want that. And then about 10 minutes before group ended, she turns to me and says, "you've been awfully quiet tonight." You think?! I said something stupid about being able to relate.
I'm trying to sort this out. I talked it over with my therapist. I gave him the facts in as unbiased way as I could. He said he thinks I'm right, I am being left out, or "dropped" some. But he thinks I'm making myself invisible, which is something I'm really good at. And not talking about my anger, the idea that telling stories is wrong, is like not acknowledging the elephant in the room. He pointed out that this is another thing I'm good at, just going along and making it all OK. He said it is an opportunity to practice "not being so damn nice." It is possible that I present in such a way that I never look like I need help or have confidence issues. But I do.
Group is just hard. Any tips, other than running away?
poster:Daisym
thread:745674
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/745674.html