Posted by daisym on June 24, 2005, at 1:22:24
It's late so I'm apologizing for my spelling:
I went into my session today and said, "I don't know how you want me to play this. Do you want me to be "fine" or do you want me to tell you how upset I am?" Of course he said he wanted to hear about the upset. He said it would be so much harder to have a bad session and leave frustrated about not getting to say what needed to be said. For me and for him. So I said I was feeling sort of grief stricken. That I thought I was more prepared this year for the separation but I was still just as scared as always that he wouldn't come back. He said he was coming back (he said this over and over and over again) but he also said that he didn't expect me to be OK with this. He knew this is hard for me because my attachment to him is fragile and tender and still very new to me. He said he hoped that I wouldn't close down completely while he is gone and that I would allow myself to feel our connection. He reminded me that I had his picture and asked me if I remembered what he wrote on the back last year. I nodded and told him, "you wrote, 'I'll be back!'" and the tears showed up. We put the picture into his talisman and I have "permission" to keep it in my pocket, like a transitional object. I feel like such a little kid!
We also talked about what I would do to cope and he suggested that I write to him about things. I threatened to bury him in paper when he got back and he countered with, "yeah, but I'll make you read it all to me." I had the last word though, I said, "at least I'd get to stay longer..." He laughed. He did offer to call me half way through but I said no. I just can't stand the thought of being that much trouble. So he left me a voice mail full of reassurances to play when I need to and a reminder that I did have his cell number if things get too out of control.
He also said, "And you have your friends on the board. Don't forget to let them support you. I'm counting on them to keep you safe until I get back." So I guess I'll have to figure out how to pay you guys a consulting fee. :)
Oh, and I'm apologizing in advance for what a baby I'm going to be over the next two weeks. I feel sad and lost and completely disgusted with myself for having no internal fortitude or pride. I'll try to keep most of it under control. I better go buy some more cream of wheat. And liver worst. And cheese cake. And...
poster:daisym
thread:517869
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/517869.html