Posted by Dinah on June 21, 2005, at 13:13:36
In reply to Re: Very long, sorry. » Dinah, posted by daisym on June 21, 2005, at 10:41:53
> I had this fleeting thought today that perhaps there is more to this upset than just the possibility of abandonment. That, in and of itself, is reason to be distraught, but I have a hard time feeling like it is a true possibility.
You're underestimating the depths of my terror at the idea of abandonment. :) It may be my core issue. Or one of one or two core issues.
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> I wonder if there isn't an undercurrent here that has to do with "proof" that he really cares about you. What does that mean to you -- what obligations does it bring up and does it intensify the struggle between emotional you wanting to go to therapy and practical you wanting to save money? Do you feel like you owe him now that you know he truly does care for you?Yes, there is that. And yes, I think I do feel like I have an obligation to him. He tells me I don't. But he's also quick to complain that I wanted a commitment of forever therapy from him... (The implication being that the commitment should go both ways, although he never says so. Just sounds aggrieved.)
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> And I don't think you can quickly dismiss the hug. The fact that you asked, forgot, and then got squashed seems so important. (OK, granted I might be putting my own stuff here about how dangerous it is when you figure out you don't "fit" together, however metaphorically...)I don't think I have an issue about that. I tend to think in images and movement and colors. Physical fit doesn't concern me overmuch.
And everything feels ok again. I really can tell the difference now that everything feels ok again. I think it's very likely that the subtle difference in how he felt played a big part in my feeling that I was slipping away, dying in a sense. I guess it's not terribly healthy for my very emotional life to depend so much on one person. But I've lost almost everyone else. And I'm very careful around my son not to be too authentic.
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> Relationships evolve, even basically onesided ones. I think you have to ask yourself what is your responsibility to this relationship, and how does that differ from what you actually feel inside yourself. (those killer "shoulds")I'm not sure if going to school is feasible this semester, for a few reasons. But I am going to go back no later than next summer. And in the meantime I'm going to study and take a few CLEP tests. So I think it's inevitable that therapy frequency will go down. And I think we both need to realize that that's ok. No matter how irritated he might be by it.
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> Stepping back and looking at what you need right now is important. Trying to figure out how to get what you need is really important. I wonder how you think you can begin to wean yourself.It's such a scary concept, Daisy.
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> I know you are scared and hurting while at the same time feeling good about the fact that he cares. I wish I could help unravel this more. I seem only to have questions today.
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> Hugs from me (cyber-hug, no squashing)
> DaisySome open questions cleared up. But obviously there are subtleties in our therapeutic relationship that might not be ideal. I don't think I'm up to working on them at the moment.
(Another reason to enjoy cyberhugs. No cyber body parts.)
poster:Dinah
thread:515914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/516618.html