Posted by Dinah on June 21, 2005, at 19:28:46
In reply to Re: Very long, sorry. » Dinah, posted by Tamar on June 21, 2005, at 18:54:35
That was one of the first things I told my therapist. He even remembers that.
I considered it to be the reason for the exacerbation of my OCD after my marriage.
My husband has very exacting standards. He was once reading the chapter on OCPD in my OCD book and came running to me pointing at it and telling me "That's me! That's me! They understand!" Well, maybe not that enthusiastically. But that was the gist. And he's right.
I don't meet his standards. I haven't since we married. I haven't since I was the super-student he met. It gets hard to live with subtle and overt disapproval all the time. With the comments that were I to make them might be charmingly self-deprecating, but when he makes them aren't the least bit charming, just deprecating.
I'm not saying he's wrong. I don't remember things as well as he does. I'm not as smart or responsible as he is. He really doesn't like me cheerful and in the midst of an enthusiasm. I don't blame him. Even I find me annoying in an enthusiasm.
My parents had a lot of flaws, but they both loved me, respected me, and thought I was pretty terrific in many ways. Heck, I love me, respect me, and think I'm terrific in many ways.
The funny thing is that I saw him treat his mother and grandmother with the subtle contempt you reserve for particularly slow children. And I thought how awful it was, and how I would never allow it. I was stronger than that. I had managed to survive in the battlefield of my family of origin and hold my own.
What I didnt' realize was that it wears at me like water on stone.
I like my husband, and I respect him. I think he's brilliant, find his humor delightful, and admire his consistent sense of responsibility. Maybe I do wish I were more like him.
But... The main thing my husband likes about me is that I like him, respect him, think he's brilliant, find his humor delightful, and admire his consistent sense of responsibility. He might not admit that it's the only thing he likes about me, but he will admit it's the main thing.
I wish he liked me more. But the only way for him to like me more is for me to live up to his standards. I can't do that. :(
Am I misrepresenting him? Maybe a bit. But not substantially. My son's play therapist is concentrating her main efforts on this behavior. She thinks my son believes (or believed, he's getting better thanks to her) that nothing he does is good enough, because nothing is good enough to avoid his Dad's disapproval.
But he has many fine and useful qualities. Our family would be lost without him.
poster:Dinah
thread:515914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/516795.html