Posted by Shortelise on June 16, 2005, at 14:31:33
I am such a loser.
In reaction to him telling me three weeks ago at our last session that it wasn't great to ask him out of context why he'd said something, I said this time that I obviously have to handle him with "kid gloves" and be careful of how I say things to him, make sure that I use the things I learned from him with him. He asked what that brought up for me, what I lost because of it. Then he took a moment to read his notes from the last time, and I read mine, and he pointed out that maybe I was being a little extreme, that "kid gloves" was how someone very fragile is treated, that it's a far cry from simply not pummelling someone against the wall.
It felt like there wasnothing I could say, so - fiveminutes into the session - I stood and said I didn't want to talk to him anymore at all, and I left, saying audibly as I walked by the receptionist "he's a nasty little man, a nasty little man." That was very mean, but he FEELS like a nasty little man to me right at the moment.
What did I want? I wanted him to say, you're upset about this I can see. I wanted some kind compassion. Dammit. I feel so hurt.
He is so wrong in this termination technique. To take away my safe place, my compassionate ally, the place where I felt it was ok to feel as I do - it's wrong to take this away.
Maybe I am some sort of typical something, BPD or God knows what, and he is using the proven method for terminating my kind. Maybe I am wrong, wrong, wrong to feel as I do.
I feel incurable, like a therapy failure. I have failed. If I were better, if I had succeeded in therapy, I'd be blithely sailing throught this, wouldn't I? I haven't walked out of a therapy session in **three years***.
I wish I could kill myself. I know I won't but I want to.
I talked with my husband, cried on his shoulder, love him so much.
ShortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:513787
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/513787.html