Posted by shrinking violet on May 20, 2005, at 19:37:25
In reply to I so wish you would have the strength to move past » shrinking violet, posted by pinkeye on May 20, 2005, at 16:51:51
> My heart goes out to you.. as always.
>
> I wish I can take care of you, and not make you hurt, and make things allright with your T.---Thank you so much pinkeye. ...I wish you could too.
>>" Now I realize, that it was just my destiny.. to go through that kind of intense attachment to a person, and to lose the person - actually now I feel that losing him was a turning point .. It made me probe deeper. It has revealed several things about myself, which I was not aware of myself before. And I have used that hurt and loss to grow."--I'm glad something good has come of your experience. I have lost people before, though....too many. In fact, it's a fairly natural occurrence for me. But this is different. I think especially b/c I feel like there's so much we both hid (and hid behind) during the last session, and that there's so much we never discussed. There are so many more questions than answers right now. Do you know when you walk in the ocean, and stir up all of the sand and weeds and stuff that was settled at the bottom? That's what this feels like.
>> "I still wish I hadn't lost contact so abruptly, and that I had some way of keeping up minimal contact, but the point is, you can use this to grow yourself. And not let yourself go down. The point of failing is not to go down forever.. It is to pick yourself up and emerge a stronger person."--I know. I'm just not sure I'm capable of that. And how many of these "fallings" does it take before you finally just break to pieces? I'm not sure I can take much more. I've had 3 decades of crap to deal with and get over even before I met my T.
I know she's there. I know where she is. The other night I left a rather desperate message on her voicemail. She DID call me back. I know she didn't have to. She even asked me to call her later that day but I didn't....I couldn't chance that she'd close the doors again. At least now, I feel like they're somewhat open. I know I can visit her once in a while, I know I can write. It just isn't the same....But I undestand it. What feels worse right now, I think, are the complexities and layers and things that are there but we never acknowledged or discussed, and the regrets I have, looking back, and how badly I feel about how hard I must have made things for her. She's always told me that I needed to get over to her side (or let her over to mine) so we can work together, and how powerful that could be. I never figured out what she meant, or how to do it, or even let myself try. But now I think I understand it a little more, and I'm realizing what we missed out on, how much more it could have been (at least therapy-wise).
>>"I hope that you do it. for your sake and for the sake of your T. That is what I tell myself when I feel bad - I know whatever it was, howmuchever I got hurt, I know my ex T meant extremely well.. he never would have wanted me to hurt. And I know in he did what he thought was the right thing to do. That is why I try not to hold grudge against him and not get angry with him. Maybe you can do something like that."--I know, I know (hope) that she still feels some caring and specialness toward me. I know that this past week she did talk to my psych, even though my psych didn't mention it. I know she's probably there "behind the scenes," but just isn't letting me see that she's involved. Maybe it's a "tough love" type of thing. Maybe someday we'll look back on this together. I hope so.
Thank you.
poster:shrinking violet
thread:500434
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/500550.html