Posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 16:24:34
In reply to Loss, posted by Dinah on May 17, 2005, at 14:01:37
> I'm very melancholy this week. And angry. There's so much about termination on the board.
Sorry about that. My bad.
> And my pastor's leaving soon. This week he gave the sort of speech that leaving pastors give. About how much he'd enjoyed this ministry and how he hoped we'd sign the pew bible he'd be taking because he enjoyed looking back and seeing those people who touched his life and having specific memories about each one.
I expect he’s experiencing some sadness himself. Are you in a church that expects its pastors to move around every few years? I think it’s terribly hard on both the pastor and the congregation. It makes it difficult for both sides to establish close relationships, and sometimes people need to feel close to a pastor who, after all, reads and interprets and preaches the Word of God. It can feel almost as if the pastor is taking God away when he leaves.
> My therapist asked if I was going to tell him goodbye. No probably not. Or write him a letter telling him that he was the reason I chose this particular church. Also no. We might possibly go to the reception. I might even sign the d*mn pew bible.
LOL. I love the phrase ‘d*mn pew bible’.
> But the truth is that I wanted to yell "Scr*w you!" to the poor man - a man I really don't have a close personal relationship with to begin with. It brought back so many old losses. And it made me so angry with my therapist.
Strange how even a relationship that’s not close can have such a profound effect. Do you wish it were closer?
> Because one of these days he's likely to make such a imbecilic worthless piece of drivel speech to me. About how he's happy we've worked together, and how he's grown from having known me. And that'll just be plain cr*p.
Yeah: if he really cared, he wouldn’t leave. On the other hand, when I left my T, he told me he’d enjoyed the work we’d done together and he’d miss it. And he meant it. I know he really will miss me. But I hope you know that it’s true that your therapist *is* happy you’ve worked together, and he *has* grown from having known you, and he’s STILL THERE FOR YOU.
> I hate loss. I'm angry with those who have died and abandoned me. I'm angry with those who have moved away and abandoned me. And all the pretty words in the world won't make me less angry if my therapist abandons me.
No. And he understands that. He’s a good guy.
> My therapist let me sit with my anger for a while, which just made me more angry. Then he reassured me about the usual things. That if he gets a full time job, he'll keep a part time practice. That he won't leave town because his wife has ties here. That he has known of therapy relationships that don't end until death. He assured me that he knew how much it would mean to me. I told him about my joke about wrapping myself around his legs so that he'd have to peel me off, and then peel my fingers from his door jamb. And that it wasn't a joke. He assured me that he wouldn't terminate me with platitudes.
I wish I’d made my T peel me off his legs. Maybe he’d have phoned the police; I’m not a small woman.
> He asked me what was the first abandonment I could remember, and how I felt. I don't really remember the early ones. We left Daddy to go to live with Grandma. We left Grandma to go to live with Daddy. I have no recollection of either. I remember my dog dying, but I was in my twenties, and technically I killed her, so I shouldn't really blame her.
I struggle with the same sort of stuff. I fear rejection and abandonment terribly, and yet I have very little experience of it. I wish I knew what the answer was.
> There has to be some reason that I react with such vehemence to life passages that others seem to take with reasonable grace.
Maybe others don’t have the depth of character that you have. Maybe because of that depth of character you’re a kinder person. Maybe because of that depth of character you could experience life with a passion and exuberance that others can’t begin to dream of.
> I don't even want the pain of grief to stop, because I'd rather have the pain and the connection, than have no pain at all and no connection at all.
Me too. Are you still talking about your pastor?
> I don't connect often. Maybe that's all it is. I don't connect often and I'd rather cut off an arm than have those connections broken.And yet, some of those connections do break, and even cutting off our limbs can’t prevent that. Some relationships have to end. But your therapist is showing no signs of leaving, even though your pastor is. I completely understand about choosing a church because of the pastor. I need good preaching and decent hymns in order to survive church; otherwise it feels like a condemnation of everything I believe is true and just. Do you know yet who the new pastor will be?
Your passion about this does you credit.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:498985
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/499036.html