Posted by shrinking violet on May 14, 2005, at 3:08:11
In reply to {no words}, posted by shrinking violet on May 13, 2005, at 12:47:38
{first, please forgive in advance any typos or ramblings or anything along those lines. It's 3:30 am here, and i'm awake... despite doing what i could to send myself into dreamland at least for a little whle (it's so nice there, isnt it?)....and i'm a tad woozy, my eys are sore, as well as being emotionally and mentally depleted and exhausted}.
Maybe what i'm about to write will end up being nothing more than something i'll regret tomorrow, but i feel strongly enough about it now to take my chances.
Since we arent able to delete posts, i wanted to ask that everyone please let this thread go, pretend it never existed, and refrain from responding. I thought starting this thread would......what?......"help" seems too strong a word....but I thought it would do *something*.....but it hasn't, other than repeatedly bringing it all up just when i begin to (temporarily, of course) get a handle on a small semblance of cmposure.
there's alot of reasons wy this feels badly.....and maybe most of all because the last session raised more confusion and questions than answers. and maybe b/c it didn't go as well as i would have wanted. but, that was my fault too.
i gess i should be happy for my T right now, that she doesn't have to deal with me anymore. i know working iwth me has been hard on her too, more than maybe i can even guess. i wish i could fix it so that she never met me. or at least try to undo all the bad stuff that i've given her. things i've said, things i havent said, done and haven't done. i've tried to make up for things in my way...to try to show her that i'm not on the inside what i show on the outside, especially the way i feel twoard her as at T and as a person. the painting, letters, e-cards, gifts, stories, an audio cd for cripes sakes.....but for some reason she seemed to always believe and cling to the bad stuff more than the other things, instead of the other way around. i wish i had asked her why. especially today, after she asked if i meant what the card said. if she only knew how long it took me to find just the "right" one.....and even that one wasn't perfect, but it was close enough.
i think too, i was too much for her in another way. i tink i took the whole "relationship/closeness" thing too far. i've tried to be respectful of the boundaries of the T/client thing, and i dont think i've ever said anything to her that she hasnt said to me first. but maybe i took it more literally/personally than she meant them, and when they came from me maybe she interepreted them in another way. i dont know. maybe i overwhelm and smother people. so many misunderstandings that'll never be resolved now.
but anyway, i'm going to try to be glad for her. that she can go back to things as if i were never there. i guess maybe that was the best gift i could hve given her all along.
as for me.....i have some options. i wrote them out. four that i could come up with. none of them good ones. i'm leaning toward one more than the others right now. because i think it's the easier one, with the greatest pay-off. i just wish i had someone there to help me figure it out. before i met my T, it was a given that i'd have to figure things out on my own, like i always had, and even though it wsnt pleasant and still had my doubts nad fears about it, it was also just a given and i had never known anything else. but that changed when i started this whole thing with my t, but now she's gone and i'm alone in the forest again. but now it's different b/c the one thing i had was taken away. i got too used to having someone there to turn to, to help with these kinds of things. now there's no one there, and......i'm lost. i have no idea what to do. and i'm more panicked and despairing and desperately afraid than i could ever express.anyway, that was a long-way of saying thank you all to your responses, but please forget about this thread. it's too painful and raw, to read/write about these things. forget about me too, maybe.
{{{{{{{everyone}}}}}}}}
sv
poster:shrinking violet
thread:497356
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497628.html