Posted by shrinking violet on May 13, 2005, at 12:47:38
...i guess even "no words" are words. If we could use blank space as a topic, then that's what i would have chosen.
i ended with my T this morning (well, i guess my "ex" T, now).
The session itself was terrible....It would have been better for me if i hadn't gone (i seriously considered it, but i never make the right decisions when faced with choices, it seems). i was removed and distant and defensive and i couldn't say to her what i would have wanted to, or at least reacted in a way that would have shown her what i needed to. i couldn't even cry with her this time, but i was sobbing and begging on the inside. She was....i don't know, she reacted in "her" way, but i guess i wish it had been different.
It feels too open-ended, somehow. So many things still unresolved, unsaid, misunderstood. Maybe that's b/c my whole existence feels that way right now, but i think it was the session, too. For me, at least. I'm sure it was just any other session to my T, no biggie.
....i think i could use every word in the English language right now to try to explain everything that's churning inside me, but it still wouldn't be enough.
At the same time, I don't think any words exist that could convey all that's going on.
And i need to be careful anyway....to many eyes on this board who know me irl, now.
if anyone has any spare hugs, i *really* (really really really) need and would appreciate them.
....I'm going to sleep now...Hopefully all weekend, at least.this is too too too hard.....
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:-(
poster:shrinking violet
thread:497356
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497356.html