Posted by Dinah on October 10, 2004, at 21:43:18
In reply to Are you ever afraid you present too well?, posted by Dinah on October 10, 2004, at 9:02:50
It's not like I'm being super-competent and dying inside. I had trouble working the TV remote today. And I have had trouble figuring out what day of the week it is, what I just did, or what I need to do. Time has lost all meaning. And simple tasks seem like mountains that I need to climb using the sun and stars to map the route, but with absolutely no training.
Not to even mention the nonstop migraines and just feeling lousy. Depression *hurts* physically which I don't really understand.
I guess I only mean that I can have a semi-coherent converstion with someone short term and I'm not sobbing. I may have no earthly idea three minutes later what I said, and I almost certainly won't remember to do whatever I said I'd do.
It really really bugs me that something as debilitating as this is so invisible. I'm no more capable of doing a day's work than I am flying to the moon. But you can't tell that by looking at me.
I haven't told my husband the extent of what's going on. He knows that I'm really distressed about my parents and grieving about Harry. He's got his own troubles right now, with his parents who aren't well.
My therapist does know. I don't know how he does it, but increasing the frequency of my visits in these times does seem to hold me together enough that I can scrape by without hospitalization. It helps to talk about the feelings. Unfortunately he hasn't had the extra time since this all started about a month or so ago. He's been out of town off and on, and now he's got meetings.
Half of me wants to go to the hospital. The unhealthy half I suppose. It's screaming that my poor brain and soul have taken too many jolts lately and I need time to heal just as if my body had been injured. If I had been hit by a real car, just started to get up when I got hit again, just started to get up when I got hit again, etc. it would be expected that I would be out of commission for a while. But since it's figurative cars I've been hit with, I'm expected to carry on as usual. And I just can't.
I know that hospitals are expensive though. And with effectively not working for close to a month now, I don't want to add even more to the burden.
At the very very least, I need time to heal. I need time without more cars barreling down on me. I need time without the pressure of having to do what I just can't do right now. And that's not going to happen here at home. Because nothing visible is broken and no limbs are missing. Maybe if I just got some time, my future wouldn't look so utterly hopeless and the options wouldn't seem limited to just one.
But going into the hospital wouldn't give me that. It would just add more problems to the ones I've already got and make things appear even more hopeless, if that's possible.
I think that perhaps my thinking is distorted. I start thinking of moving away and all these scenarios of my mother tracking me down and I know that's semihysterical thinking.
I wish my therapist had some time. I need to go over these thoughts.
poster:Dinah
thread:401120
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/401331.html