Posted by fallsfall on June 5, 2004, at 20:58:30
In reply to Speaking of transference (long), posted by gardenergirl on June 5, 2004, at 18:31:10
> So then we go into how this is similar to childhood. When I had to comfort myself. He kept asking me, when I was frightened, who comforted me. I couldn't come up with an answer.
*** I have a guided imagery meditation that asks who comforted me when I was little, who held me in their lap. No one did. At least not that I can remember. That makes me sad. We deserved to be comforted. Maybe that's why I'm so into hugs now.
> I also told him that when I called my mother the night of the accident, she immediately launched into her latest dilemma and concern about her upcoming surgery.
*** My father asks how I am doing and I tell him I'm depressed and his response is (always) "I'm more depressed than you are..." But he won't even do anything about it. He is my emotionally healthier parent. Sigh. Maybe we should introduce your mother and my father...
>
> He said something like you can't transform what was not there into something adequate now.*** Maybe he means that since she wasn't able to meet your needs when you were little, you shouldn't expect her to meet them now. Sort of "accept her limitations"? It really isn't fair. I've accepted my mother's limitations, but I'm not there yet with my dad.
I think that what has helped me most to accept my mother's limits is to truly believe that it isn't that she "chooses" to be limited. It is more like she was born without the ability to relate emotionally. It is not like she doesn't WANT to relate emotionally - it is more like she is defective. How can I be mad because she is defective? I know she has always tried to be a loving mom - and in many ways she has done a really good job.
It is harder with my dad because I keep thinking if he wasn't so pigheaded that things could be fine. But he IS pigheaded, and there is something very powerful that is keeping him in the place where he is. As I start to understand my own unconscious motivations, I'm beginning to think that he must have some really powerful ones himself. I know the hell I'm going through, and I'm sure that it would be much harder for him (because he's older, because he's been so much more perfect for so much longer than me). When I see how hard it is for me, I can understand why (particularly at his age) he doesn't want to get into this. But it means that my daddy can't take care of me, and that is hard. I guess I'm trying to see it more from his viewpoint these days, and I'm seeing how unhappy and hopeless he is - it gives me more compassion.
I, too, don't know how to stop needing the things my parents will never give me. I don't know how to mourn not having what I needed (and what I need).
Your husband sound like a real keeper. Hopefully you can find some comfort with him.
(((Gardenergirl)))
poster:fallsfall
thread:354107
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/354135.html