Posted by gardenergirl on June 5, 2004, at 18:31:10
Can you believe my T was able to take my accident, a seemingly random thing, though traumatic, and turn it into a tool for helping me work through transference? I call that man evil because he is so good. I worked hard in therapy yesterday, the day after. Can't I just have a happy session? You know, a feel good session?
But no. Somehow I found myself crying when I did not expect it. I had actually been really proud of myself for NOT crying while waiting for the police because several times I could feel tears begin to well up, but I was able to comfort myself and realize that this was not the time or the place. In his office, though, they came out unexpectedly.
I said so. Why now?
He asked, "what are you feeling?"
Me: I don't know or I wouldn't be so puzzled! (wow, getting a bit petulant with him. That's not like me, I don't think)
Anyway, T: (pushing) What are you feeling? You don't have to be right. Just say something. (ooh, that hurts. I DO have to be right. Their my feelings, darn it!)
Me: I think it's fear.
Him: What about fear is upsetting? Who comforted you when you were afraid in childhood?
Me: Uhhhhh. (now thinking I'm changing the subject...) Oh, did I tell you when I called 911 I got a recording? I called a few other people, too because I was bored (yeah, right). And then I called the secretary and got her voice mail...starts talking a bit more thoughtfully...You know I got my Dad's answering machine too......Hmmmm....
Him: 911 is supposed to protect you. And they weren't there.
Me: Crying in earnest now. Yeah. No one was. Well, [hubby] was, thank goodness. He's always there and always so supportive. And your office was so nice. But I kind of wished, later, that we could have talked on the phone, since it was my therapy hour time anyway. (secretly wishing he would have come and waited with me). I also was kind of hoping someone from my office would come and sit with me since I was just a block away.
Him: nods.So then we go into how this is similar to childhood. When I had to comfort myself. He kept asking me, when I was frightened, who comforted me. I couldn't come up with an answer.
I also told him that when I called my mother the night of the accident, she immediately launched into her latest dilemma and concern about her upcoming surgery. Now mind you, she's really terrified of this surgery, and she does have a legitimate concerns to be addressed. But you know, I called HER. She started to end the conversation when she was done, and I said, Ahem, Mom. I had something to tell you. Now I don't want to worry you more but....I'm pretty certain all she got out of that was how my having a rental care will affect my ability to take her to appts. and care for her after her surgery. Some things just don't change. It's an empty well, there. I even wonder if I had been seriously injured how much genuine concern she would be capable of showing versus fretting that now she would need to make arrangements for another caregiver. (All my conversations with my Mom are like this. All about her, no matter what I called for. You think I would learn.)The thing he said at the end, though, which has me scared and confused is this (sorry for waiting so long to get to the question):
He said something like you can't transform what was not there into something adequate now. I really can't remember the exact words he used, because I was having a bit of trouble processing information (seems I hit my head in the accident). But I think I have the gist of it. I don't know exactly what he means. It feels kind of hopeless. How the heck do I work through this now? I've been beginning to think about those who I know are there for me, like my hubby, his parents (who I didn't think to call until just yesterday, duh!), and my sister. Even my brother, with whom I've had a really rocky relationship sent me a nice caring email. So what do I do about my need for my mommy? She's not ever going to fulfill that need, I don't think. How do I not need her?Oh yeah, the transference part. I KNEW that he would be caring and supportive. He's the "good enough parent." Although he did not dwell on the accident, per se with lots of sympathy, as he was more into working. But it still was okay, and it's nice to have someone who I know I can count on for caring about me. I'm staring to trust that in my hubby now, whereas before, I was always waiting for the next crisis to be the last straw. But he's taken on quite a bit and is still holding me.
Okay, enough rambling. Any thoughts?
Thanks for listening,
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:354107
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/354107.html