Posted by Dinah on January 8, 2004, at 9:07:55
In reply to Re: So, it turned out to be an AFGO! » Dinah, posted by mair on January 8, 2004, at 8:09:09
> >" We've had the discussion a few times. Sometimes directly, more often indirectly. He says he cares about me, that he likes me, that he wants what's best for me. That he's fond of me if only for all the years we've put in together. That he wouldn't have been my therapist for all those years if he disliked me. But it's all that therapist stuff that all therapists say, and so I distrust it."
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> Dinah - I certainly know what you mean because I've used similar reasoning to filter out all sorts of positive things my therapist has said. On the other hand, this statement reminded me an awfully lot of the reaction I sometimes get from my children when I pay them a compliment. You know the "you're only saying that because you're my mother" kind of reaction. I sometimes feel that having one of my kids react in that way is too bad because my compliment was so genuine. So how do we tell when our therapist's positive comments are genuine? It's particularly tough when the recipient is, like so many of us, poised to believe only the worst.
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> MairI think I go by the feeling in the room. Granted, I'm a bit better at picking up bad feelings than good. But I'm not bad at the latter. So if he says he cares for me but there isn't a positive charge to the room, his face is flat, and there's no tone of affection to his voice, I'm going to discount it. Ditto for the other things. Also, if he says those things when I'm really really upset at negative things he's said, and right before the end of a session, I'll probably assume he says those things because he doesn't want to get a half dozen hysterical phone calls from me. He's not stupid, and he's figured that works.
If I hear liking or caring in his words, and that matches the tone of voice, the facial expression, and the feeling in the room, I'll believe it. That just hasn't happened all that often, especially lately. It has happened in the past though, on occasion. On the last day at the old office, most of the office had shut down because of inclement weather. I commented that I was expecting a call from him, and he told me he wouldn't do that to me on the last day. That he knew important that office was to me. That sounded like, and felt like, genuine caring.
Do your therapist's words match her expression, tone of voice, and the overall feeling in the room? Is there congruence? If there is, I think you should believe her.
poster:Dinah
thread:297437
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040102/msgs/298020.html