Posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 14:02:49
In reply to Daisy, Did you see her on Tuesday? (nm), posted by fallsfall on January 7, 2004, at 0:08:16
Falls,
I did go and I'm glad I went, it was a really good conversation about "stuff" especially where this (therapy) is going. I did tell him I thought it was self indulgent and that I was becoming a pain in the a**! He laughed and said I wasn't even close but he wouldn't mind if I moved toward this because it meant I was putting myself first.
Here is the thing -- I'm not this sainted person who doesn't get what she wants and gives all of her time and energy to everyone else. Really. So talking about never getting my needs met makes me so uncomfortable. I have to keep telling myself that it is my need for support, and guidance that has been ignored and stuffed down and those are the needs we are talking about. We talked about the difference between choosing to be happy, vs. choosing to not be unhappy. He agrees that no one wants to be unhappy but he argues that there is a void which is neither...and ultimately most people long to be happy.
He also wants me to think about being more open to extra sessions right now. I can't tell whether he is worried that I'm about to come completely undone, or if we are in so deep that he wants to use the momentum. Or both. It is weird, I can feel myself pulling back from him, shutting down again. It isn't that I feel bad or angry nor is it that I feel really great. I'm not desperately dependent but I don't feel particularly able to cope either...it is almost as if I've gone kind of numb. Maybe it is because we are back and forth between past and present and since I've never (NEVER!) talked about the past like this before, it is scary and makes me want to pull back. I feel a little psychologically "thin" and somewhat fragile...I don't know how else to explain it. And I keep questioning what I want/need from this process. Most of the time I'm really clear about it - I want my joy back. But I'm fuzzy today, is it worth all this pain?
Yesterday He compared psychologists to midwives. We were talking about figuring out who you are and what you want and how therapy changes you. He said he was here to assist in birthing the new me. It wasn't trite the way he said it, maybe a little corny. But, as I thought about it, there are so many parallels...women in labor work hard, have to bare the pain and make choices about medications, what kind of support they need, etc. And there are stages to labor. The midwife supports and guides the process, is there in case of a crisis, and celebrates the birth at the end. There are more similarities but I like thinking about it this way. It appeals to my poetic side.
He was trying to remind me again that it was Ok to trust him. That he wouldn't fail me. That he planned to see "this" through with me and that "we" were in it together. And after all that, I simply said: "promise?" He did.
Sorry for such a long reply. I guess I'm just in a funky mood and wanted to think "out loud."
poster:DaisyM
thread:296947
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040102/msgs/297699.html