Posted by jay on January 19, 2005, at 16:18:10
(I am reprinting some stuff from 'social pb' because it has to do with death, grief, and loss. Thanks for reading.)
Now I find out my Dad is dying of kidney disease.
He's got about 5 or less years on dyalisis and then it's "game over".My Dad IS my best friend...and I spent an half hour crying with my Mom today...we don't know what we are going to do. Once my parents go....I have a 'plan b' if needed if I am still alone. That's really the first time I thought of that. And no, that will only be years down the road. S*hit...why the f*ck does this hurt and kill so badly inside of me? God f*king dam...These are the biggest issues in life....and it's all falling apart on me.(I have some...uhhh..'relationship' probs too..heh. Esp., not being able to have a child for my living Father.) For once, I really feel sorry for myself..it sounds selfish...but death, no love, no life, emptiness. I lost my first best friend at 19 to suicide. He blew his f*king head off in his bedroom. I have lost a child (very young)...which is a whole other horror story. I lost a woman I deeply loved in a car accident just a few years ago. Now I have to lose someone who is, like my child, the same soul, blood, love as me. He is the most wonderful man,liberal father, in the world. I hold him in my arms...I kiss his wiskered cheeks. I had the most wonderful, amazing and loving childhood and parents ANYONE could EVER want. We laughed...we lived so strong...oh boy did we ever....*nothing* could bring down my Daddy! My Mom and Dad loved me like no love could be known. Then this dam fuc*ing world had to come in and take me away to college...get a job...all that 'grown up' stuff. The day I have to burry my Dad, I will be strong for my Mom's sake, and hold her tight, but a part of me will have died too. Dad..."Your the reason I sing...You are the Opera in me....Please don't leave me here alone...a house doesn't make a home..."
~Jay
poster:jay
thread:444307
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20041230/msgs/444307.html