Posted by DayByDay on September 30, 2003, at 6:21:58
Hello anyone and everyone!
I don´t know if my experience is suited for this board but I figured I´ll give it a shot. It´s a story about how I thought I found my self then completely lost my self, the grief I fellt from it a long time afterwards and how I look at it now. I´ll hope it´s not to long to discourage you from reading it. My question is if someone can relate to my situation and tell me how to deal with it. I know that people with severe psychological problems can mess up their lifes
even far worse than I did loosing their jobs,
wifes, friends and everything, many recover, some just get worse while others like me remains in a grey zone somewhere in between. Ofcourse anyone
else is free to comment on this. I would really
appriate some response.I wanted to move from my hometown - a big, anonymous and socially cold city - to continue
my university studies elsewhere. Even though I
love my hometown, after all i´m brought up there
and I´m used to it and everything U get bored
from being at the same place all the time - I wanted change
I chose smaller warm university town known for it´s dynamic student life - it was perfect - there
were young people everywhere from all over my county and other countries. Since many of them moved in there from outside everybody was eager to get to know eachother. Being an outgoing person
this suited me perfect, I made a lot of really good friends, we had interesting intellectual discussions about all kind of things. Also several girls got interested in me - more than
ever at the same time - not that I want many girls, I need one, but naturally improved my confidence a lot. Then after a while
I´ll also found the one I was looking for all my life and we developed a strong mutual attraction
that just got better and better... I´ve never fellt better in my life.That was my "outer" world experience, my "inner"
world however was messed up. A big part of my life I had moderate depressions and OCD - it got worse when I got there think it was the environment change. I´ll got some Zoloft that only made it much more terrible (I´ll never had that reaction on Prozac or Paxil so i figured it was just my problems getting even worse so I kept on eating the stuff) At the end I had severe depression/OCD with the strongest anxiety I´ll ever experienced. I fellt desperate took all my stuff I fled from the place not saying goodbye to anyone.Back in my hometown the doctor I had only
gave me more Zoloft together with Depakote (cuz i´ll found out i had a BPIII mixed state reaction when i took SSRI otherwise I had a regular depression something completely new to me obviously my previous doctor had been medicating
me wrong). Well the Zoloft only made my anxiety
totally hellish while the Depakote made me severly confused, gave me visual pseudohallucinations and a psychotic reaction.
(It can have that side effect in less than 1/1000
i read). By the time my stupid doc wanted to give me sedatives I´ll ended up in hospital with the
the most terrible depression/OCD/anxiety ever
together with partial reality loss, panic attacts,
paranoia, medicine induced akathisia and constant
suididal thoughts. I fellt like an ANIMAL in HELL, litteraly - it was the lowest from of existance, the place that God forgot, if he existed at all, being a beliver i doubted that for the first time in my life.
When I got out I´ve got rid of some of my symptoms but the severe depression/OCD remained for a couple of months - with suicidal thought everyday, on top of thatsomeone very close to me attemted suicide which didn´t exactly make things easier for me.By now I´ve got a better doctor and some new
meds. My depression and ocd is back to moderate
and i occasionaly have some mild anxiety. I no
longer have suicidal thoughts. Since I´m treatment-resistant we are still experimenting with meds to make me feel at least
somewhat "normal".To summarize it all I experienced the best time in my life and discovered the best parts of my personality - lost it all (I´ll never called any
of my friends that I left there and I´ll probably
won´t return there eigther cuz I feel ashamed
of having my breakdown - which was evident at
the end) Then I experienced my worst nightmare. Being in that state i had feeling and thoughts
that I´ll never thought I could possibly have.At the beginning I was really, really sad for
loosing such an oppurtunity - really good friends, a potentially very good girlfriend,
a fantastic environment and every thing.
Now I´m indifferent - this whole experience
was changed much of my personality and values
even those fundamental ones I´ll never thought
I change. I feel like a broken version of my old self. I´m uncertain about of my future (and afraid of ending up in hell again) while Im at the same time feel very indifferent. I´ve started
studying again but I haven´t been there for week
and I´m not planning to go there tomorrow eighter, who gives a shit, everythings just a
game, the only thing that gives me satisfaction
is when I occasionaly smoke cannabis - I thank God
for that (By the way, in spite of everything I still believe in her/him).Thanks for your time
DbD
poster:DayByDay
thread:264404
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/264404.html