Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:45:42
In reply to Re: .., posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2012, at 1:27:16
and i suppose it is about persisting, really. persisting in applying for jobs. and i haven't really. i just apply for the odd thing but few and far between truth be told.
and i suppose this is why people tend to stay with the job they have got. because it sucks to be hunting. except for those people who like to hunt. who like to window shop houses and the like. i know there are such people. i'm not one.
so it is more about that.
i'm sorta happy on the unemployment benefit. with my time being my own. i study a lot that way... i'm a good self motivated learner... that is why tech kills me... 2 hours of wasting time in class... i could have learned so much if i'd have studied with that time on my own...
i do think the mental stuff is cured. whatever that means. it isn't an issue anymore.
the `gifted' stuff actually makes a whole heap of sense. the emotional intensity. the focus. my weakness is my strength. my `what is wrong with me' is actually my `what is right with me'. it all just balances out really and this is just... me. who i am. a freak. everyone is a freak in their own special way, though, so whatever whatever it is okay.
what isn't okay is that my body is all f*ck*d up. i tell people `car crash' but whatever... that is what is wrong with me. i'd like to fix it... even if i did get to be an ortopedic surgeon i still couldn't have fixed it myself really... more chance as a physical therapist or whatever... i can teach myself...
have a bunch of activation stuff i need to be getting on with. firing sequences all out of whack... my body is f*ck*d up indeed from years of computer work and from months of wheelchair and months of crutches... from old fractures... i've got numb regions from old injury and i need to learn to feel again. rehab nerves.
did you know the lumbar spine nerves are attached to our feet? we wear blocks on our shoes and our lumbar spines are numb and achy... waking up the feet... wakes up the lumbar spine. the weirdest thing... it HURTS... but then learning how to work the muscles properly so it doesn't hurt anymore...
and there are things i can do ... things i've got control over. i could be a bodybuilder if i wanted (which is achievement based in the sense that you work hard to make/ construct things). strength sports are out really since i'm not very strong and i'm more of a high jumper build than a weightlifter
rambling i am...anyway... the life focus is okay.
but i feel scared about passionate now...
i read some blog. it said don't do what you are passionate about. do something that means you have a rare and valued skill and use that as leverage so you can do what you are passionate about.
i wish i'd read that earlier. i think that is the truth really. nothing like turning a passion into a way to earn a living to kill the passion.
i guess..
that is it, really.
only...
i can't seem to bring myself to do anything else.
i'm that dreaded person who shifts focus all the time. who can't stay focused on one thing long enough to get particularly good at it... only i did stay focused on philosophy for the longest time... and it is at the point now where i'm not passionate about it anymore. because academic philosophy isn't focused on the things that matter and the things that matter are (to me) sorted out (by me) to my own satisfaction. i got what i wanted from it.
and there isn't much in the way of jobs teaching it. too many people want to. the whole tenure thing sucks. i don't want to be a part of it. so i bail.
i wish i'd have studied law or something ... something that made me employable, though. it was never about that before... do what you are passionate about i thought. the rest will sort itself out. except. when the passion goes away. what then?
i don't think i could work as a personal trainer. i don't know that that is something i could keep up energy / enthusiasm for. and without that... you suck. basically.
i don't know.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1024751
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20120228/msgs/1024832.html