Posted by alexandra_k on November 14, 2010, at 1:51:24
In reply to Re: Number of blocks, posted by alexandra_k on November 14, 2010, at 1:44:49
I remember something (I think it was Linehan) said when I was an undergraduate. Something about how people with borderline personality disorder often had great potential but didn't live up to that because they flitted around not knowing what they wanted to do and so never realized any of that potential.
That used to upset me greatly. I thought she was saying that she didn't think that someone with borderline personality (aka me) could succeed because they wouldn't stick with the project.
So I clung...
And then I started to realize I was clinging...
And a huge part of it was that. That I didn't want her to be right. I wanted to prove her wrong 'for all the borderlines out there' or somesuch. But actually... I didn't want to do this anymore.
Grad school is too unstructured for me to be productive. I don't enjoy writing. I won't do it unless I have a deadline and then I grumble and groan and lie in bed for 2 days whining 'I really don't want to do this' to myself. And then I meet the deadline and (usually) people think I've done a wonderful job and then I feel good and happy and productive and proud. And then I do nothing until the next one... And really... Is that anyway to live???
So what if i'm 'mediocre'. I always thought I needed to succeed (to be seen as successful) in order to be happy.
But now I see... Being happy is about working productively towards a goal out of inspiration and desire. The work is a free expression of that. And who cares if you actually are any good at what you are doing or not??? I've realized... I actually don't, anymore. I actually... Don't.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:969738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20101014/msgs/970171.html