Posted by Racer on July 2, 2006, at 19:42:27
In reply to Re: Not over first block yet *trigger* » gardenergirl, posted by Deneb on July 2, 2006, at 18:41:56
I"m not GG, and don't know nearly as much about this stuff, but I will throw a little of my own perspective into this mix for you.
> >
> > That kind of soothing usually does feel pretty good, doesn't it? The way you phrased it is quite evocative of a loving parent soothing a crying child. That's a sweet image. I hope you have images of that from your childhood.
>
> :-( Not really. My parents mainly ignored me when I cried.I'm very sorry to hear that. Your parents may have been acting on an old idea that children would learn to "get over it" faster if they were left to cry. It doesn't work, and children aren't spoiled by being comforted when they cry. Or, of course, your parents may not have known how to soothe you when you cried. Either way, I'm sorry you didn't get the comforting you needed.
>
> > >
> > But if a person's perspective is that "I feel hurt" versus "so and so hurt me", then it can lead smoothly into self-soothing. Whereas feeling "done to" tends to lead to feeling a need for someone to "make it up".
>
> I don't like thinking that all the hurt I feel comes entirely from myself. I don't know why I would hurt myself so much. Does "I feel hurt" also mean I caused my own hurt? Can I say that the block(s) caused my hurt?No, taking responsibility for your feelings does not mean that you are the cause of your hurt. You're not "to blame" for feeling hurt. But in most interactions with others, your reactions are what you feel, NOT something that someone else has done to you.
In the case of your example of being mugged, that's a place where I can't quite answer your question. There are places where someone else can hurt you -- I'm thinking of certain childhood incidents involving my cousin and a baseball bat here, although I'm not sure quite how that translates to behavior that leads to emotional responses, as opposed to physical pain... I think, really, that even in the case of a mugging, you're still responsible for what you feel, even if someone else has done something to elicit that response. My reasoning on it is that you might feel fear -- but you might also feel rage. Since you can feel very different things over the same incident, I'd say that you're still responsible...
On the other hand, if you look at your first block, can you see that your behavior led to the block? That means that, had you modified your behavior before being blocked, you would not have been blocked, and therefore would not feel hurt by it. In that sense, yes, you are responsible for the pain you feel about it.
poster:Racer
thread:663157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20060622/msgs/663636.html