Posted by Dinah on September 28, 2011, at 14:37:56
In reply to Re: I'm starting to regret my hate messages » Dinah, posted by sigismund on September 27, 2011, at 12:25:35
> I hadn't expected to gain such pleasure in helping my kids learn how to find their way in the world and in particular earn a living.
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> This meant being involved, working with them rather than against them, and having a think about what they might do.
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> One of them is studying Buddhism in Kathmandu, one does animation, one is working toward law. The important thing for me is that we are friends. See, I've contradicted myself. But we are in this world to help each other, not torment each other.
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> I loved what you said about breast feeding, sleeping together and toilet training, not to speak of boarding schools. I completely agree. But I never forget what a hard world it can be to find your way in and through.I doubt that I will ever be my son's friend, any more than I was my father's friend. I was his beloved daughter - not that he'd admit that in so many words. I cherish the memories of the things we did together, and understand now the many things he did for my brother and me. We talked for hours at a time. I miss that so much. I suspect that my son won't think of me the way I think of my father, but hope that our relationship will be better than my relationship with my mother. I not only love my son, I like my son very much, and I hope that when he's an adult he'll like and respect me. I try to be someone he *can* like and respect. But I don't think he could ever be my friend.
From what you say about helping your children succeed in life, I think that's very admirable. I was talking to my therapist about what I wrote, and admitted that my fear of "growing up" was in large part a fear of being alone on a fundamental level. Because growing up does tend to mean independence in our Western world, and I so much prefer interdependence. From what you say, I think we don't differ that much in our views on the mater. Maybe we just phrase them differently.
I have suspicion that my son will be better able to negotiate his way through the hard world than I am. We've really focused our parental energy into having him be self motivated and capable of independent thinking. We aren't wealthy people, and I don't know how much practical assistance we can give him as an adult. But we hoped that in giving him the best education we could, and by raising him in the best Montessori practices of self efficacy that he will be able to tackle the world when he's good and ready. Where he chooses to do that is less important to us, I think.
poster:Dinah
thread:997889
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110925/msgs/998162.html