Posted by raisinb on March 20, 2009, at 22:25:46
In reply to Depression as a brain homeostatic reset, posted by linkadge on March 20, 2009, at 18:45:13
That is an interesting question.
Without a doubt, my depression (my most serious episode--suicide a definite possibility) spurred me to make internal changes that were absolutely necessary for my continued emotional survival and well-being. It made me learn lessons I wasn't going to learn any other way.
I had to learn that at least half, probably more, of my emotional turmoil was under my control. I had to learn to be my own best advocate. I had to learn that nobody could accept myself for me. I had to decide that no matter what, I could not continue (as far as I could control it) hating myself on a regular basis--all day, every day.
More basically, I had to decide whether I was going to live or going to die. If I decided to die, I knew I had to get it done quickly. If I decided to live, I had to do the things I listed above. I have to keep fighting and I have to learn--on my own, and with the help of the people who love me--to love myself.
Only hitting absolute bottom forced me to learn these things. I have to remember them every day.
Some dynamic therapists talk about serious depression as a necessary--or common--stage in deep internal change. Mine turned out that way.
It isn't that simple of course--I have strong genetic predispositions, and depression might be something I have to battle the rest of my life.
But I know, whenever I get into the depths, that I have control over which decision I make--live (keep fighting) or decide to die. Not to oversimplify, but never again will I f**ck around for months when the depression hits. I'll keep fighting--with meds, with tough risks, with believing in myself when nobody else does, with negotiating with sometimes difficult or absent clinicians. Or else I'll gather the materials, make the plans, and surrender. Either way, I will decide how I will live, and how I might die. Months and months of meaninglessness--I will not go through that again.
Conversely, depression also taught me that I have an illness that is not necessarily my fault, and that I have to let people help me if I am going to get through (I was trying to do it all myself, with no communication about how I was doing, with anyone).
My major depressive episode last year was hell and I would never wish it on anyone. But it made me a different person--oddly enough, by making me learn that I had to accept myself how I am--vulnerable, flawed, but with beauty and richness inside, too.
That's the way with most horrible things. If they don't kill you, they change you.
I don't know if this answered your question at all, but I do believe that my brain, my body, my psyche, whatever you want to call it, decided on something, and that good things came out of it.
poster:raisinb
thread:886279
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090313/msgs/886314.html