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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on October 1, 2011, at 18:45:30
I'm 33, and all of the sudden I'm being overwhelmed by a strong maternal instinct. I have a lifelong history of depression, anxiety, and OCD. My mother is severely bipolar, and my sister has depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. Some of my less immediate relatives have psychiatric issues, too. It seems that there probably is a genetic aspect going on, and I fear that if I ever have a child, that child will suffer just as brutally as I have.
Add to this that my energy is low and I have to take psychiatric medications or I will sink into a severe depression. These meds could harm a baby.
Can I be a good parent if I have ongoing psychiatric issues?
Also add on top of this that I do not currently have a partner who wants children. In a few months, I'll have to quit my torturous job for the sake of my mental health, and my boyfriend will support me financially until I can find a better job. I love my boyfriend, but he's a little distant, I guess. I need more affection from him. I wish we could get married and have a baby!
AND my fertility clock will start winding down soon. Help!
Posted by torrid on October 1, 2011, at 19:09:31
In reply to Should I have a child or not?, posted by PhoenixGirl on October 1, 2011, at 18:45:30
How about looking at it from the other direction, you listed reasons not to become a mother, make a list of reason to become a mother
Women don't truely grow up until they have kids
you don't know how much you are capable of loving another human being until you have kids.
children give life purpose.
it's a labor of love.
It may not be the right thing for you but look at all sides. As far as the genetic thing, gosh I don't know.
Posted by Emme-V2 on October 1, 2011, at 20:23:55
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not? » PhoenixGirl, posted by torrid on October 1, 2011, at 19:09:31
> How about looking at it from the other direction, you listed reasons not to become a mother, make a list of reason to become a mother
>
> Women don't truely grow up until they have kids
>
> you don't know how much you are capable of loving another human being until you have kids.
>
> children give life purpose.
>
> it's a labor of love.
>
> It may not be the right thing for you but look at all sides. As far as the genetic thing, gosh I don't know.Does the converse hold true that those of us women who have not been blessed with children have no purpose in life?
Do you really truly believe that those of us women who wanted children but for various reasons have not had them are not really grown up?
Please think carefully about what you write on such a delicate topic.
Posted by emmanuel98 on October 1, 2011, at 20:38:14
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not?, posted by Emme-V2 on October 1, 2011, at 20:23:55
When I was in my late twenties I started having dreams all the time about having a child. They were not happy dreams. I dreamt that I had lost the child or placed in a drawer and forgotten about it, forgot to feed it. They were very unsettling. When I became pregnant at 32 the dreams stopped. For me, raising a child was incredibly grounding and fulfilling. Not for everybody though. I felt like I knew what not to do from the experience of my own childhood. Some people, though, repeat the bad expereinces of their childhood.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on October 1, 2011, at 20:50:27
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not?, posted by Emme-V2 on October 1, 2011, at 20:23:55
This is a tough topic. I'm not surprised that it brings up strong feelings.
When my Pdoc told me I couldn't be pregnant on my meds, I was so upset. I cried and cried, even though I didn't think I felt quite so strongly about it.
I know I can get off the meds, but it's one more thing among many to consider.
Money, job, time, emotional support, giving a child what they need?
And I wonder, how can I take care of a child when I can't take very good care of myself?
But still, it's in my mind
genetics? Stacked against me in some respects, but I can't predict that
Posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 2:08:27
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not? » PhoenixGirl, posted by torrid on October 1, 2011, at 19:09:31
> How about looking at it from the other direction, you listed reasons not to become a mother, make a list of reason to become a mother
>
> Women don't truely grow up until they have kids
>
> you don't know how much you are capable of loving another human being until you have kids.
>
> children give life purpose.
>
> it's a labor of love.
>
> It may not be the right thing for you but look at all sides. As far as the genetic thing, gosh I don't know.I don't think women ought to choose to have babies until they *are* grown up. And I know a fair number of women who have children who aren't grown up at all. Seems like a gamble staked by an innocent child.
Some women give birth and discover they aren't really capable of love at all. And many people know how to love already.
On this site, I'm sure most of us realize that people don't change their stripes when they have a child. Cruel people become cruel parents. Selfish people become selfish parents. Well meaning but incapable parents abound. Did all of our parents go through the crucible at childbirth that enabled them to love greatly or parent well? Not that I'm saying Phoenixgirl is any of those things. But basically all of us bring ourselves along when we become parents, with all our flaws and shortcomings. Before we had a baby I worried about certain aspects of my and my husband's personality and sure enough those aspects held true into parenthood.
I shudder when I hear parents talk about a baby as if it were a pet. (Well, I also shudder when I hear people talk about pets that way.) Children aren't put on earth for the benefit of mothers or fathers. "It's mine! I own it!" I hear from parents. "I want it."
To paraphrase... "Ask not what your baby can do for you, but what you can do for your baby."
Are you in a position, emotionally financially and in terms of relationships, to be a good parent to a child?
And to be realistic, sweet baby hugs are wonderful. How about screaming temper tantrums from that child or nonstop colic? How about children who don't do well in school or have behavior problems? How about children who give their parents grief with drug addictions, acting out as teenagers, etc.? Are you able to deal with potential birth defects? An amazingly high number of my acquaintances had to deal with things that I am humbled in gratitude for not having to consider. Being a parent has the potential both for great joy and great pain. And either way, great stress.
Posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 2:10:23
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not?, posted by Emme-V2 on October 1, 2011, at 20:23:55
((( Emme )))
Many of us wouldn't be on this site if parenthood had such a transformative effect.
Posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 2:20:59
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not?, posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 2:08:27
I'm not saying any of that applies to you, Phoenixgirl. On the contrary, you seem to be considering the happiness of the child and whether you can be a good parent.
It was a more general rant.
Posted by Emme-V2 on October 2, 2011, at 8:26:09
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not? » Emme-V2, posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 2:10:23
> ((( Emme )))
>
> Many of us wouldn't be on this site if parenthood had such a transformative effect.
>Thanks Dinah. You're very kind. And that was a very wise post above.
I think what you wrote about bringing all of our human-ness into parenthood makes a lot of sense. And as you said, people become parents with all different levels of maturity and capabilities for love and parenting.
I believe that I would have made a, how do they say that, "good enough mother". I might have adopted given the risks associated with the apparently genetic component of my mood disorder and my meds. But I felt that I would do it best with a partner, and I'm still looking for a mate. Some of my friends are single parents by choice, and they manage very well. That would probably not have been the best choice for me for a number of reasons, including my energy levels.
It's a huge loss, though. And what I feel on a personal level is compounded by our society's messages implying that your life has less value if you don't have kids.
Anyway, thanks again for your kindness.
Posted by Phillipa on October 2, 2011, at 10:53:31
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not?, posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 2:08:27
Dinah you just summed up my life minus the birth defects. And although I dedicated my life to my kids and being the opposite of my Mother now they ignore me. Life is strange. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 14:51:41
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not? » Dinah, posted by Emme-V2 on October 2, 2011, at 8:26:09
I'd say to you that by making that choice, given your knowledge of your situation, you were being a good mother.
The decision not to have children isn't as stigmatizing as it used to be, thank heavens. Even in my generation.
I think of having a child as being more of a fiduciary responsibility than an ownership. The child isn't ours. It's God's, or the world's, or most particularly their own selves. We can choose to take on the duty and joy and pain of nurturing them and helping them grow to their full potential. But it *is* a responsibility, and for those people with the ability to choose whether to get pregnant, it is the first of many choices that need to be made with well being of the child in mind.
I respect you for understanding your resources and the needs of a child, and choosing to do what you consider to be the right thing for that child.
Posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 14:56:24
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not? » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on October 2, 2011, at 10:53:31
We can do the best we can with the resources we have. What more can we do? The results aren't entirely in our own hands.
Have you asked your kids if there's anything they need for you to do differently, in order for them to be more a part of your life? If there's nothing, then there's nothing you can do.
The fantasy of kids growing up and caring about us forever isn't necessarily a reality in today's culture. Abandonment and rejection is as realistic a fear on the part of parents about children as it is on the part of children towards parents. As realistic, but not as life threatening, I suppose.
Posted by Phillipa on October 2, 2011, at 19:51:04
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not? » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 14:56:24
Taught them too much independance. Have done all I can. Facebook at times is as close as it now gets. Phillipa
Posted by Emme-V2 on October 2, 2011, at 20:05:40
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not? » Emme-V2, posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 14:51:41
> I'd say to you that by making that choice, given your knowledge of your situation, you were being a good mother.
>
> The decision not to have children isn't as stigmatizing as it used to be, thank heavens. Even in my generation.
>
> I think of having a child as being more of a fiduciary responsibility than an ownership. The child isn't ours. It's God's, or the world's, or most particularly their own selves. We can choose to take on the duty and joy and pain of nurturing them and helping them grow to their full potential. But it *is* a responsibility, and for those people with the ability to choose whether to get pregnant, it is the first of many choices that need to be made with well being of the child in mind.
>
> I respect you for understanding your resources and the needs of a child, and choosing to do what you consider to be the right thing for that child.
>Hi Dinah,
Thanks for your perspective. It's funny. Not having children was never actually a choice I made. In a way I suppose it was a choice by default. It was really a case of hoping for the circumstances that I felt were needed to have the child I wanted. The main circumstance missing was marriage since I didn't think I could go it alone.
Although I lost so many years to my mood disorder, that was eventually brought into enough remission that with the right person as a mate, adoption would have been a good option. My friends always thought I'd make a good mother. I guess some small part of me hopes (maybe unrealistically) that I'll still meet someone and maybe adopt an older child with him.
Anyway, that's probably way too much info for an internet forum. I usually like to stay pretty private on publicly available forums. This topic hit a nerve.
Your son is lucky to have such an insightful mom.
emme
Posted by sleepygirl2 on October 2, 2011, at 21:44:50
In reply to Re: Should I have a child or not? » Dinah, posted by Emme-V2 on October 2, 2011, at 20:05:40
I'm glad you spoke about it. This is a very important topic for me, and likely for so many others here. A bit agonizing perhaps, to want something so...I don't know?? "fundamental" somehow, but know that it may not be possible and/or is complicated by so many issues, some about mental health.
This is the end of the thread.
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