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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 2:45:58
I've been emailing with this guy. I am totally naive and thought everything was totally innocent. I thought it was weird that he would say, "We can be intimate friends, how about we see a movie on Friday?"
I've told him I don't want to date and then he says to not look at them as dates, but as friends being intimate or something. He mentioned a hotel room. I'm soooo stupid, he kept using the word intimate, but sex didn't cross my mind at all. I thought it was totally innocent.
I really did not think it was about sex at all at first, but now I am sure he just wants to be f*ck buddies. I'm scared. He has my email and he knows what I look like.
What do I do? I'm scared!
Posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2009, at 11:45:59
In reply to Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 2:45:58
Used to date a man who said "being intimate" to mean having sex. Drove me nuts-- made me think he had no clue there was any other form of intimacy.
Live & learn Deneb. There are lots of guys just looking for sex. You have to weed them out, quickly. Just write this guy "Sorry, not interested". Block his email if you want. No need to be scared-- he's not going to come to your house & kidnap you.
Posted by Phillipa on June 18, 2009, at 12:17:21
In reply to Re: Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with, posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2009, at 11:45:59
Deneb I agree with Tabitha. Simply do not correspond with the guy anymore he will go elsewhere. Phillipa
Posted by Bobby on June 18, 2009, at 12:22:16
In reply to Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 2:45:58
Tell him to go F**k himself and leave you alone. he'll get the message. you didn't dicuss all of that sex -education stuff with him did you? That can trigger a guy who's testosterone levels are where his sound like they are. I say drop him like a hot potato and tell him what a big mistake just unfolded----and DON"T tell him anything like, "I'm sorry--we can start over as friends." It's way past that now. you just need to find the right person---and when you do---you'll know(I hope)However, I have to say that ,personally, I think online is the absolute worst way to meet a guy for you. O.K--got to go to work and worry about other stuff. Chill--please! write back once-----say no--and end it---simple!?
Posted by SLS on June 18, 2009, at 15:48:18
In reply to Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 2:45:58
> I've been emailing with this guy. I am totally naive and thought everything was totally innocent. I thought it was weird that he would say, "We can be intimate friends, how about we see a movie on Friday?"
>
> I've told him I don't want to date and then he says to not look at them as dates, but as friends being intimate or something. He mentioned a hotel room. I'm soooo stupid, he kept using the word intimate, but sex didn't cross my mind at all. I thought it was totally innocent.
>
> I really did not think it was about sex at all at first, but now I am sure he just wants to be f*ck buddies. I'm scared. He has my email and he knows what I look like.
>
> What do I do? I'm scared!
I'm sorry if you find this objectionable, but I truly think that you are moving too fast and trying to do too much at one time. Finding your balance on the horse is more important than attempting to grab every brass ring in the carousel of life. Things can get pretty messy very quickly if one acts on every impulse.Am I making sense?
- Scott
Posted by Ladyraven on June 18, 2009, at 15:55:19
In reply to Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 2:45:58
> What do I do? I'm scared!
RUN !!!
and don't entertain any further emails or contact.
Posted by SLS on June 18, 2009, at 16:19:54
In reply to Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 2:45:58
> I'm sorry if you find this objectionable, but I truly think that you are moving too fast and trying to do too much at one time. Finding your balance on the horse is more important than attempting to grab every brass ring in the carousel of life. Things can get pretty messy very quickly if one acts on every impulse.
>
> Am I making sense?
I forgot to add that my statements here in no way affect how impressed I am with your intelligence and the rapidity with which you learn.:-)
- Scott
Posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 17:59:02
In reply to Re: Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with, posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2009, at 11:45:59
> Used to date a man who said "being intimate" to mean having sex. Drove me nuts-- made me think he had no clue there was any other form of intimacy.
>
> Live & learn Deneb. There are lots of guys just looking for sex. You have to weed them out, quickly. Just write this guy "Sorry, not interested". Block his email if you want. No need to be scared-- he's not going to come to your house & kidnap you.Yeah, you're right, there is no need to be scared. Wanting sex is very different from being a rapist. It's just that in my profile I specifically say that I am not looking for an intimate encounter and also I have written to him to say I wasn't ready to date before but he kept writing me back and asking if we could meet.
He said we could be intimate friends. Stupid me, I just thought that meant close friends. It wasn't until he mentioned a hotel room that I got the real message of what he was saying. He just has my anonymous email address. He has my first name, but my first name is pretty commom. He doesn't know where I live or my phone number.
This is a learning experience for sure. I have to be more careful. I am so trusting. I have the experience of a 14 year old in the world of dating.
Posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 18:04:00
In reply to What's to be scared about? » Deneb, posted by Bobby on June 18, 2009, at 12:22:16
> Tell him to go F**k himself and leave you alone. he'll get the message. you didn't dicuss all of that sex -education stuff with him did you? That can trigger a guy who's testosterone levels are where his sound like they are. I say drop him like a hot potato and tell him what a big mistake just unfolded----and DON"T tell him anything like, "I'm sorry--we can start over as friends." It's way past that now. you just need to find the right person---and when you do---you'll know(I hope)However, I have to say that ,personally, I think online is the absolute worst way to meet a guy for you. O.K--got to go to work and worry about other stuff. Chill--please! write back once-----say no--and end it---simple!?
I was nice about it. I wrote that I wasn't aware that the word intimate meant sex. I apologized for leading him on and told him I wasn't looking for an intimate encounter and to please not correspond with me any longer.
No, I didn't discuss all that sex education stuff with him, but I have mentioned it to other guys. I am so naive. I'm like a young teen. It just doesn't cross my mind that some guys just want to have sex and that discussing sex openly might give them the wrong idea.
I just have no experience with guys wanting sex from me.
Posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 18:09:13
In reply to Re: Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me » Deneb, posted by SLS on June 18, 2009, at 15:48:18
> I'm sorry if you find this objectionable, but I truly think that you are moving too fast and trying to do too much at one time. Finding your balance on the horse is more important than attempting to grab every brass ring in the carousel of life. Things can get pretty messy very quickly if one acts on every impulse.
>
> Am I making sense?
>
>
> - Scott
>Yeah, you are making sense Scott. I was moving too fast. I was meeting guys too soon and I am not ready to start a relationship. I am pretty impulsive. I have to work on that.
I've hidden all my profiles now. I feel relief with this action. I just want a dog lol, not a relationship.
I told my pdoc I was old, 27, but then she said I was a very young 27. Because of my social anxiety, I have not been socialized properly. I think I am psychologically a young teen at this point. Pdoc is helping to socialize me. There is so much to learn.
Posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 18:32:50
In reply to Re: Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me » SLS, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 18:09:13
He emailed me back even though I asked him not to. He said by "intimate" he just meant intimate conversations and that I was combative and he needed to be defensive so he is not going to bother with me anymore.
He did mention a hotel room, why in the world would be mention a hotel room if it wasn't for sex? I also told him several times that I thought we should just email and not meet yet, but he kept pressuring me to meet.
I've blocked him now.
Posted by Phillipa on June 18, 2009, at 20:49:31
In reply to Re: Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 18:32:50
Good for you. Wise and mature move on your part.Phillipa
Posted by Tabitha on June 19, 2009, at 0:54:01
In reply to Re: Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with » Tabitha, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 17:59:02
> He said we could be intimate friends. Stupid me, I just thought that meant close friends.You're not stupid. Nobody says "intimate friends", it's "friends with benefits" or f*** buddy. You caught on right away when he mentioned a hotel. Give yourself credit :)
Posted by Tabitha on June 19, 2009, at 0:56:52
In reply to Re: Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 18:32:50
> He said by "intimate" he just meant intimate conversations
Bwahahaha!
> and that I was combative and he needed to be defensive so he is not going to bother with me anymore.
*eyeroll* very transparent attempt to make it seem like it's him rejecting you and not the other way around
>
> I've blocked him now.Good girl!
Posted by SLS on June 19, 2009, at 5:42:30
In reply to Re: Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me » SLS, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 18:09:13
>
> > I'm sorry if you find this objectionable, but I truly think that you are moving too fast and trying to do too much at one time. Finding your balance on the horse is more important than attempting to grab every brass ring in the carousel of life. Things can get pretty messy very quickly if one acts on every impulse.
> >
> > Am I making sense?
> >
> >
> > - Scott
> >
>
> Yeah, you are making sense Scott. I was moving too fast. I was meeting guys too soon and I am not ready to start a relationship. I am pretty impulsive. I have to work on that.
>
> I've hidden all my profiles now. I feel relief with this action. I just want a dog lol, not a relationship.
>
> I told my pdoc I was old, 27, but then she said I was a very young 27.I was, too, at 27. Even at 40.
> Because of my social anxiety, I have not been socialized properly.
This was exactly my problem.
> I think I am psychologically a young teen at this point.
In some ways, I still have some of that left over in me. I am working in therapy to deal with it.
> Pdoc is helping to socialize me. There is so much to learn.
When I was 27, I didn't quite realize how much there was for me to learn. There was a lot.
See? You are not unique in these matters, and certainly not alone. One thing that you are is chronologically young. I guess you will just have to take my word for it on that one. When I turned 30, I thought my life would be over. lol. I am now substantially older than that, and I feel like my life is just beginning. I feel young.
- Scott
Posted by Kath on June 25, 2009, at 20:00:05
In reply to Help, I'm scared, a guy wants to have sex with me, posted by Deneb on June 18, 2009, at 2:45:58
Jeez Louise Deneb,
I will say again, that I wish you'd just meet people in real life instead of online.
Sigh.
I love ya, Kath
Posted by Timne on July 2, 2009, at 15:01:55
In reply to What's to be scared about? » Deneb, posted by Bobby on June 18, 2009, at 12:22:16
Don't put the guy down just because he is offering sexual intimacy. If you don't want to hang with him, don't. But sexual mores and intimate preferences are very personal.
To conclude that another's interest in one's self is somehow unholy when one has not fully disclosed your one's own interests, preferences and mores could tend to impose one's values on the other who approaches them.
Fear is a slithery thing. Feelings of fear don't necessarily mean that the object of one's attention is the subject of the fear. The depth and actual feeling of fear could be a product of uncertainty about one's own ability to handle conflicted emotions.
There is no problem with casual sex, if that is one's preference and if one has the maturity to manage one's preference -- biologically and psychologically. There is a problem with not knowing one's own sexual preferences and then blaming others when they invite one to participate in intimate activities. By the way, sex is intimate. Usually. It's not the only kind of intimacy, by any means. Apples are fruit, but not all fruit is apples.
Telling the guy to f*ck off, or otherwise being rude puts the blame on the other. If he repeatedly asks after you've plainly and politely said no -- and no, not no, maybe later -- then his behavior is a problem.
Ignoring him is fair play, but it still avoids a mature approach to an adult situation. It leaves the door open -- in his mind and potentially in yours -- to the idea that things could heat up later. That's so new age, but it isn't all that honest. If you want to explore the difference between mental intimacy you might prefer and physical activities he might consider intimate, intimate to him your preferences.
Does he accept them, and consider them part of what makes you special? If so, keep that guy's number in a special place. Or does he try to alter your preferences. Study is methods, but avoid him.
People tend to think this is a problem about guys trying to get something from girls. It's more than that. It swings every which way. As a guy, I have the same problem with some women. Often it involves casual intimacy. People draw their boundaries in every shape and size. Casual, conversational intimacy serves as a good foundation for later sex play. It's called flirting. But when it's casual -- riddled with the very un-intimate demand -- "don't talk about that", which allows sexual conversation to develop without allowing room for another to fully intimate their sexual or intimate preferences, I'd rather just not talk at all. So I don't. But that's my deal, not hers.
Same here -- until he violates some preference you've declared, if he's acting within social norms (and single people approaching other single people for casual sex is a social norm) it's your thing to manage, not his.
Look at this as a situation in which you are developing. Nothing inappropriate -- on his part or on yours, based on what you've told me. I once met a woman on line and she bought me a hotel room, flew me to her town and spent several days with me. No sex. A few late-night visits, and lots of advice on my part that she resolve things with her partner. That's what happened. Hotel motel doesn't always spell sex. Uninformed Assumption is the antithesis of intimacy.
Posted by Timne on July 2, 2009, at 15:03:46
In reply to Re: What's to be scared about?, posted by Timne on July 2, 2009, at 15:01:55
Deneb,I scanned more of the thread after I posted and saw you've responded about as I would. I think my post was more to the idea than toward your particular situation.
This is the end of the thread.
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