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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Larry Hoover on June 13, 2009, at 21:22:20
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change » Deneb, posted by Tabitha on June 13, 2009, at 21:04:59
> Part of getting better for me was starting to separate my identify from my symptoms & coping mechanisms. Change is still scary, but it's less threatening if you can think of "you" as separate from those things.
I think you've hit on the essence of the mindfulness component. Kind of a psuedo-objectivity.
Lar
Posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:33:31
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change » Deneb, posted by Tabitha on June 13, 2009, at 21:04:59
> > I want to not feel bad emotions so intensely, but on the other hand, it is part of who I am.
> >
>
> Hi Deneb,
> I think you just captured why you're having a hard time with the idea of change. It sounds like you believe your emotional spirals are part of your identity. So naturally you'll feel attacked when someone suggests you change them.
>
> Part of getting better for me was starting to separate my identify from my symptoms & coping mechanisms. Change is still scary, but it's less threatening if you can think of "you" as separate from those things.
>
> Does this make sense?
>How were you able to separate your identity from your symptoms?
I think I did feel attacked.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 21:33:43
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by Larry Hoover on June 13, 2009, at 21:22:20
maybe the thought about change is this horrible notion that one will be feeling intense distress and... not able to express that. that the change that is 'required' is for one to... stop expressing what is going on. that would be horrible indeed...
why would someone want to feel horrible distress? it probably isn't the thought that THAT will change, but more that what people are wanting is for one to suffer it alone...
Posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:35:52
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change » Deneb, posted by henrietta on June 13, 2009, at 21:19:33
> Denebe, this may or may not be helpful. It has popped unbidden into my head. As a volunteer I teach children to read....children for whom reading does not come easily. Tonight I've imagined a 5 year old saying to me, "Gee, when I was 4 I didn't even know the alphabet. NOW you're asking me to do something with it? You're asking me to build words, you're asking me to read? You're telling me I'm not good enough??"
>
> Just something to ponder. Or not.So if I get this right, people want me to change because they want bigger and better things for me, it is not that they don't accept me?
Posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:38:31
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 21:33:43
> maybe the thought about change is this horrible notion that one will be feeling intense distress and... not able to express that. that the change that is 'required' is for one to... stop expressing what is going on. that would be horrible indeed...
>
> why would someone want to feel horrible distress? it probably isn't the thought that THAT will change, but more that what people are wanting is for one to suffer it alone...That is exactly how I feel. I don't feel I can get rid of the thoughts of wanting to die sometimes. I am just being asked to suffer alone and not express my thoughts.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 21:43:31
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:38:31
> I don't feel I can get rid of the thoughts of wanting to die sometimes. I am just being asked to suffer alone and not express my thoughts.
I hear you. I don't think that that is what people mean, but I hear that it feels that way sometimes. I think people want you to genuinely feel better. Not just not express things for their benefit - but genuinely not feel that way. Just because... It doesn't feel very nice to be intensely distressed. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy (or maybe I would a little sometimes) but it is a horrible feeling, yeah.
Posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:44:13
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:38:31
Sometimes I think people would prefer that when I get intensely distressed and want to OD that I just not talk about OD and just OD and not tell anyone at all. Then people would never know how distressed I was. Sometimes I think people would prefer I just disappear one day from suicide rather than write that I am distressed and thinking of suicide and get help from people.
Of course I would rather not feel those things at all, but the fact is that I do feel them. I DO have those thoughts. What am I supposed to do about them? Suppress them? Act on them and never tell a soul?
Would people seriously prefer that I get really upset, tell no one about it, OD, tell no one about it and die?
Posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:47:58
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:44:13
Sorry I got a bit upset again. Of course no one here wants me to die. I think people want me to not feel upset in the first place.
But the fact is that I do feel upset and have those self destructive thoughts. I'm being told to not express them. I still feel the emotions and thoughts, but can't express them. I feel alone.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 21:49:20
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:44:13
> Would people seriously prefer that I get really upset, tell no one about it, OD, tell no one about it and die?No Deneb, I really don't think that that is what people prefer. Or... If they feel that way then that would be a feeling arising from frustration at their being triggered. I don't think anybody really feels that way.
I think it is more that there are ways of expressing your distress (I've heard) that make it more likely that you will get the validating kind of response from others that genuinely helps, compared to ways of expressing your distress (I've heard) that make it more likely that others will feel triggered and then post things that make you feel ordered around or whatever.
I think that people are hoping that you will learn something about those ways of expressing... I think you have come a long way. The move from 'I am going to x' and 'I feel like doing x' is a significant step indeed and it does seem to be one you have made. The step from 'I feel like doing x' to 'y is really bothering me' is another really hard jump. Maybe even harder.
But that being said... It does tend to be distressing to see another in distress. Especially when you don't really know what to do to help / put things right. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't express your distress. But sometimes it is hard / triggering for people.
Take what helps and ignore that which isn't so helpful... Probably the best you can do. Hang in there.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 21:52:41
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:47:58
This is a suggestion (take or leave)
Sometimes when I'm feeling upset I express things over on the writing board. I think that there is more leeway there with respect to expressing real hurt and distress. To spend some time really trying to describe the feeling or whatever. Sometimes expressing it with poetry by analogy or whatever can be a kind of theraputic / working through thing to do. It helps me sometimes at any rate. It can be a hard thing, yeah.
Posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:57:21
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2009, at 21:52:41
> This is a suggestion (take or leave)
>
> Sometimes when I'm feeling upset I express things over on the writing board. I think that there is more leeway there with respect to expressing real hurt and distress. To spend some time really trying to describe the feeling or whatever. Sometimes expressing it with poetry by analogy or whatever can be a kind of theraputic / working through thing to do. It helps me sometimes at any rate. It can be a hard thing, yeah.Thanks for the suggestion Alex. It's been years since I've written poetry or stories. I think I will try it out.
Posted by Phillipa on June 14, 2009, at 0:00:19
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:57:21
Deneb you're doing so much better than when I first met you so impressed. Love Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:29:06
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change » Deneb, posted by Phillipa on June 14, 2009, at 0:00:19
The therapist I was working with told me out of the blue that we weren't going to be working together anymore and that she was reccommending (for my file) that nobody work with me and that I be discharged from the service because I hadn't shown any improvement with all the therapy that had been offered to me over the last few years. I lost it. They called crisis services. I was in hospital for a few weeks. I was on something or other that made my vision all blurry and I couldn't study. They discharged me at 11am on a morning where I had my one and only exam scheduled in for 3pm. I knew that there was no way that I'd pass the exam if I sat it. I thought that I had to take the exam since I was discharged from hospital. I thought that if I flunked that class (which I would have done with a fail for the exam) then I would ruin my chances of getting a scholarship to do my PhD. I jumped off an overbridge onto a motorway. Fractured legs and spine and pelvis etc. Don't know that I wanted to die. Do know that I needed to be in hospital in order to get compassionate consideration on the exam. Thats how it seemed to me at the time at any rate. And then they said that I wouldn't qualify because my injuries were self inflicted. And the p-docs were like 'its okay you can do the course (the last course required for my degree) again and get an A next time around!!!' and I was like 'of course I can but that won't help my GPA'. Eventually... Someone got that. Signed off on the compassionate. The things we do... There didn't seem to be another way. And... I'd do it again if I needed to.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:30:13
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:29:06
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:35:15
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:29:06
i just remember running. sometimes if they are going to discharge you and you don't want to be discharged there are things you can do so you get to stay. start kicking doors or bashing them with your head or something. seclusion isn't pretty but it can buy you another week. sometimes running helps. if they say you are discharged and you just bolt - you can usually get out the door (that a nurse is letting a patient / visitor in or out) and if you just bolt through then people usually chase you and tackle you and you get a shot of something before they have quite realized what is going on. can buy yourself another week. nobody tackled me. they went to and the p-doc yelled out 'leave her!!!' so i kept running... kept running... i remember knowing what i needed to do and being really scared... but knowing i needed to do it... looking both ways (didn't want to hurt others) i just... couldn't bring myself to do anything other than climbing over and then very gently... very gingerly... letting go (so landed on my heels).
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:35:59
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:35:15
i tried to tell him in the meeting. he said that that having an exam scheduled that afternoon wasn't something that was relevant to a decision to discharge. and there it was.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:01:02
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:35:59
turned out to be relevant to a decision to admit but i guess that was my choice. my *choice*. isn't choice a wonderful thing?
Posted by Tabitha on June 14, 2009, at 1:19:03
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by Deneb on June 13, 2009, at 21:33:31
>
> How were you able to separate your identity from your symptoms?
>It was a long process. Different things helped. Trying different meds, therapy. I had a vague memory of being a happy, bubbly child before my depression started. Maybe I was meant to be that person, and not a depressed young adult?
One thing that really took the blinders off for me was going to a face-to-face support group for mood disorders. I heard other people telling themselves the same excuses I'd told myself. "It's not an illness, it's just my personality", or "the world just doesn't understand me-- it's their problem". Somehow I could see it as denial in other people more easily than in myself. Then I got scared, and angry, that I'd let this illness find a comfy home in me for so long. I'd been tricked! This wasn't my sensitive nature or my artistic personality. It was not my friend. It was not something to accept. I could accept that I had the condition, but I needed to minimize its effect on my life, and find my true identity.
Starting to identify "the voice" of depression and mania was a help. Addicts do that-- they start to identify the voice of their addiction, and know it's a liar, and talk back to it, or ignore it.
It's scary giving up something that has seemed like part of "you" for so long. I don't think I cold have done it without a lot of in-person support and therapy.
Posted by Deneb on June 14, 2009, at 1:34:57
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:29:06
> then they said that I wouldn't qualify because my injuries were self inflicted. And the p-docs were like 'its okay you can do the course (the last course required for my degree) again and get an A next time around!!!' and I was like 'of course I can but that won't help my GPA'. Eventually... Someone got that. Signed off on the compassionate. The things we do... There didn't seem to be another way. And... I'd do it again if I needed to.
I did desperate things for grades too, but none of it helped me. I ended up with bad grades nonetheless.
When I OD'd seriously I did it to get a note to get out of an exam. I didn't want to die, but I could have. I've come close to doing it again in the past. That is my biggest danger I think, right before an exam and thinking I am not ready. I've done some desperate things in that time.
Posted by Sigismund on June 14, 2009, at 1:45:47
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:29:06
>The therapist I was working with told me out of the blue that we weren't going to be working together anymore and that she was reccommending (for my file) that nobody work with me and that I be discharged from the service because I hadn't shown any improvement with all the therapy that had been offered to me over the last few years.
Well then they suck. Student services at UoQ did better than that for me, though I was lucky in that they employed psychodynamic people who were very patient and did not have ridiculous expectations of therapy. It's this user pays crap mindset.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:51:53
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by Sigismund on June 14, 2009, at 1:45:47
i'm sorry. i didn't mean to dysregulate all over deneb's thread. thought i was posting to the following thread... then was just kinda on some sick roll or something. sorry. thanks guys.
Posted by Sigismund on June 14, 2009, at 1:53:29
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:01:02
>isn't choice a wonderful thing?
It's the modern ideology...the more choice the happier we get. Complete crap.
Posted by Sigismund on June 14, 2009, at 1:58:25
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:51:53
>i didn't mean to dysregulate all over deneb's thread
Well, in that case, I had been going to say something along these lines....that some people put their distress out there and ask for help, which I take it is what Deneb does. I'd never do that. There's pluses and minuses. If you ask for help and the people who offer it don't like your responses, you can have a problem. And if you don't ask for help, there can be problems there too. Everyone has to find their own way.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 2:16:01
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by Sigismund on June 14, 2009, at 1:58:25
i'm not completely sure... but it might be that there is something different about the nature of the distress. some distress seems to result from loss / lack of physiological arousal / SGR. some states of depression. other distress seems to result from heightened physiological arousal / SGR. i think the former... are more likely to 'plan and then execute' a suicide, for instance, whereas the latter... are more likely to impulsively maim themselves. i think the former are more likely to not seek help, too, whereas the latter are. slightly different states, i think... but then i don't really know.
i think the latter arousal states have to do with some kind of relational trauma or something... such that they are responsive to empathy from others (to a certain extent). i don't know... raving most probably...
Posted by Deneb on June 14, 2009, at 2:19:06
In reply to Re: Balancing acceptance and change, posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:51:53
It's OK Alex. I think it is good you are posting. My thread is fine to post in.
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