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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Phillipa on February 24, 2007, at 23:31:06
In reply to Re: My life has taken on a nightmarish quality... » alesta, posted by Phillipa on February 24, 2007, at 23:23:38
Alesta maybe you need to seek help tonight? Love Phillipa ps you're not thinking of self-harm are you?
Posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:42:27
In reply to Re: My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by Phillipa on February 24, 2007, at 23:31:06
thanks P :-) no...well..thinking and doing are 2 different things. somehow i never get to the doing part lol. no..i'll be fine, really. i appreciate your concern very much. i just needed to hit the release valve on my angst and suicidal feelings so that i could feel better. talking about it really helps me, and i have no one i trust enough to talk to about this IRL. and my friends all have enough problems or are too self-absorbed to care. i mentioned the depression
briefly to test them and it was glossed over, so i dropped it.no...meds haven't worked for me in the past...the depression is partly life circumstances, probably part biological....totally guessing...
don't worry. i'm fine. maybe a little 'out of it' :)
thanks dear,
amy
Posted by Damos on February 24, 2007, at 23:51:25
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
Hey Amy,
You're right, there are people out here who know you and who do indeed like you.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it right now. Would do anything to make it better for you. And if I had any self-esteem I'd happily give it to you. But I guess all I really have to offer is my friendship, caring and time, and you're welcome to as much of those as you need any old time.
It's funny but it doesn't seem to matter how down you are you still manage to bring a smile to my face - thank you. It's just one of the many special gifts you have and share with us.
Hang in there okay. If you need a hand to grab a hold of, mine's right here.
((((((((((Amy))))))))))
Posted by Jo U.K on February 25, 2007, at 1:13:17
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
Hi Alesta,
I'm amazed you met someone who has never felt depressed, how lucky are they?
Still I guess we are all different. So sorry you've had a rough couple of weeks. Your sadness really came across in your post. I sincerely hope that you feel better today, and if not today then tomorrow. Keep coming back, there's support for you here. Take very good care of yourself.
Kind regards
Jo
Posted by kid47 on February 25, 2007, at 1:59:14
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
Hey. I'm sorry sorry sorry you have to feel like this.....I wish none of us had to deal with this bull sh*t. Babble mail me if you feel like it.
Peace
kid
Posted by Declan on February 25, 2007, at 2:02:04
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
Of course people like you, Amy.
You are lovely, warm, friendly and uncautious.
At least I think so.
(There is nothing in heaven or earth worth losing your composure over.
Composure?
What composure?)
Posted by scratchpad on February 25, 2007, at 9:31:44
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
Sorry that you're having such a rough time right now. It's so depressing to understanding just how recurrent depression is :-(
Brings it to a new, lower level (for me).I changed my name, Amy, but I'm still me.
Scratchpad (formerly ClearSkies)
Posted by Poet on February 25, 2007, at 10:59:54
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
Hi Alesta,
I always score get thee to the hospital, too. I can't imagine never feeling depressed, wish I could. Wish you could, too.
Poet
Posted by muffled on February 25, 2007, at 11:28:56
In reply to Re: My life has taken on a nightmarish quality... » alesta, posted by Poet on February 25, 2007, at 10:59:54
I never actually have ever understood how a normal human being could score NOT depressed in those tests ??? I can't begin to imagine anyone feeling like that? Not unless they were manic or something?
I find those tests a little suspicious for that reason.
Take special care.
In and outtta the pit.
Sigh.
But dam, feels soooooooooo good when you out, while it lasts.
Good times then.
Worth waiting for I suppose.
I think I getting better at not falling in, and/or getting out faster.
Take care all.
Posted by Larry Hoover on February 25, 2007, at 13:01:13
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
> the past few weeks have been really rough. i took a quiz concerning depression tonight (already knew i was depressed, but somehow needed to hear it as validation of my pain).
No somehow about it, amy. I think that was really smart. I'm sorry things have gotten so rough for you. Again.
> It's funny when you read that and see that they *know* you're probably thinking about suicide. i don't know why that struck me..but it validated that i have a reason to feel that way. and that it will pass.
I'm glad you're working things through like this. Good on you. This too shall pass.
> even if no one replies....at least someone knows.
I'm sure you've seen by now how many someones care and have replied. I also think there is value in just expressing the overview of how you are. That's an act of mindfulness. It helps things move on.
> (and maybe i'll be better tomorrow.)
I'm almost sure you are, now that tomorrow is today.
> i keep coming back here...i guess because i know...somewhere..out there...are people that know me. and perhaps even like me?Perhaps. ;-)
> all right...my self-esteem needs *serious* reparations here...in time...thank you...for listening (unless, of course, you're getting pleasure out of my suffering..naughty, naughty!... :) yeah, she's still got jokes, folks...sort of...<fades away>)
>
> alestaTake care of you, amester.
Lar
Posted by Phillipa on February 25, 2007, at 13:30:29
In reply to Re: My life has taken on a nightmarish quality... » alesta, posted by Larry Hoover on February 25, 2007, at 13:01:13
Alesta hope you're feeling better today. Love Phillipa
Posted by Kath on February 25, 2007, at 18:11:09
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
Dear Alesta,
I am so sorry you're in so much pain.
I want you to know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts. If I'm feeling awful, for some reason it helps me to know that others KNOW I feel awful & are thinking of me from time to time.
I send you warm, loving hugs & wish I could give them in person,
much love, Kath
Posted by alesta on February 26, 2007, at 21:59:13
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
hi...i don't have much time to write at all right now but just wanted to check in and say that i am doing ok.:) thanks much you guys. i'm pretty tired right now so i hope this is readable enough.
on another quick note...i realize now that that previous thread where i got an attitude (on top of everything else) is *still* bothering me...not the way ppl feel about me...but the *guilt*, which i didn't realize that i am still harboring. it is *so* totally important to me to be a good person. and a moment of stupidity or weakness or whatever just seems to ruin all the good moments of things i've done...but i know that that's not true. and i have to remember that. i *am* still good. but i think it might help if i try and apologize *again* (ok..silence the groans please?:)) because i don't feel like i did it sufficiently yet. but the thousand good things i've done in my life still stand, and i do feel good about myself all in all now.
a friend of mine totally lost her cool yesterday, and funnily enough...it made me feel better about myself. it was totally unlike her to be like that, she is so totally not the temperamental type, and it reminded me that we all do have our moments, and that no one is perfect. and that we are not meant to live in guilt (i usually don't...if i apologize sufficiently...i haven't done that yet.)
anyway...I feel so much better already knowing that I am going to apologize again...this may sound dorky that I dwell on this but, hey...my pride is out the window. I screwed up big and I have to try and mend the damage I did to the best of my ability. nough said..I'm not sure I'm eloquent enough right now for a sufficient apology (and may not be for months..who knows...in a depressed phase still, although almost happy again at the same time..think i'm coming out of it *maybe*) but perhaps it's the effort that is most important. i know this diatribe in guilt is boring some of you to tears...for those of you, I say, this is not for you, it's for me...i have to live with myself. and for those of you that need to hear me apologize again, i say..i am truly sorry.
wish i could individually thank ppl here but there's no time. god bless. thank you for caring. and for having compassion for me. your kindness for me is so appreciated....
night guys,:)
aim
Posted by Phillipa on February 26, 2007, at 23:00:52
In reply to Re: My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 26, 2007, at 21:59:13
Glad you're better but what are you apolgizing for? Love Phillipa
Posted by rjlockhart on February 26, 2007, at 23:49:55
In reply to My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by alesta on February 24, 2007, at 23:05:22
omgosh i couldnt read this whole thing.
Listen ill post tommorow its late, i saw the music video, mmmm where going to have to think...you in that much torment?
Alesta take care
Praying for you right now. I am in silent wispers. Bring peace to you life.
Matt
Posted by alesta on February 28, 2007, at 11:19:08
In reply to Re: My life has taken on a nightmarish quality..., posted by rjlockhart on February 26, 2007, at 23:49:55
I am writing from work rather paranoidly and my day is going horrible..I got in a fight with someone today already (my friend). i can't handle all this dissension in my life right now. she started yelling at me and I just said i was sorry. i was shocked...although she is under a lot of stress like i am (has an abusive husband). i was shocked because i've been so kind to her and really helped her deal with him lately and helped build her confidence to the point that she is now considering leaving him after 15 years of abuse. if she wasn't happy with something (i was late this morning) she should have just talked it out with me instead of yelling at me. i honestly felt sort of betrayed by her the way she yelled at me instead of talking to me like her friend...I started crying (rare for me lately). I was *completely* unable to concentrate this morning…it was not cool. I am really not doing well today. I just needed to share that. I thought I was feeling a little better but not after this morning. Everything feels like it’s going wrong. Is it really ever gonna be all right? I feel really really out of it. And really…depressed or cut off from everyone. and now i'm worried that my work might find out about this site...any quick computer privacy tips? things are just so bad.
Oh, matt..thanks much..yes, I really am not feeling too great. But don’t worry..I am not in any physical danger. But you are so sweet to care. Thanks.:-) and thanks to everyone.
Posted by Larry Hoover on February 28, 2007, at 18:28:20
In reply to bad day....:(, posted by alesta on February 28, 2007, at 11:19:08
I don't know anything about computer security in the workplace, but I do know hugs. Time for a patented Lar BearHug®...
{{{{{{{alesta}}}}}}}
Posted by alesta on February 28, 2007, at 20:15:55
In reply to Re: My life has taken on a nightmarish quality... » alesta, posted by Phillipa on February 26, 2007, at 23:00:52
> Glad you're better but what are you apolgizing for? Love Phillipa
sorry...forgot to reply to this..i guess 'cause I detest the subject matter.:) i'd really rather not post a link at this point.:) it was one of those well-attended nightmare babble sessions. please let's not get the ball rolling shall we? <said teasingly...for the most part...>
Bon nuit,
Alesta
Posted by alesta on February 28, 2007, at 20:20:35
In reply to Re: bad day....:( » alesta, posted by Larry Hoover on February 28, 2007, at 18:28:20
thank you! fur optional? No really...thank you.
I am really appreciative...rock on lar!...:)Aim
Posted by Larry Hoover on March 1, 2007, at 13:03:17
In reply to Re: bad day....:( » Larry Hoover, posted by alesta on February 28, 2007, at 20:20:35
Posted by Kath on March 1, 2007, at 15:15:53
In reply to Re: My life has taken on a nightmarish quality... » Phillipa, posted by alesta on February 28, 2007, at 20:15:55
I agree A. If anyone needs the apology they'll know what it's about. Best not to dredge it up.
Hugs, Kath
> > Glad you're better but what are you apolgizing for? Love Phillipa
>
> sorry...forgot to reply to this..i guess 'cause I detest the subject matter.:) i'd really rather not post a link at this point.:) it was one of those well-attended nightmare babble sessions. please let's not get the ball rolling shall we? <said teasingly...for the most part...>
>
> Bon nuit,
> Alesta
Posted by Kath on March 1, 2007, at 15:25:28
In reply to bad day....:(, posted by alesta on February 28, 2007, at 11:19:08
Hi A,
Thanks for posting your apology. I read it as very sincere.
As to the friend exploding. You're probably right; she is under a LOT of stress & sometimes WE are the 'straw that breaks the camel's back'. Sometimes WE happen to be or do or say the thing that is just simply the LAST STRAW & someone flips out. It is NOT cool; it's not OK that they direct everything else at us, but it happens!!
Also, I wonder about when we help a friend come to a very difficult realization - one that's going to be VERY hard for them, because now they REALIZE something is not alright in their life & now they have to either change, or continue to live in that situation, while knowing that it's NOT OK.
It wouldn't surprise me if a part of them has some frustration about it. I have experienced that myself. I could see myself feeling a kind of frustration with someone who helped me arrive at a place where I could SEE that something in my life wasn't okay & that to take care of myself, I really should do something different....and that might be very hard.
If I weren't careful, I could feel sort of teed off at the person.
Not saying it's that in this case; I tend to think it's the last straw thing. But I just wanted to mention it.I send you hugs & hope you're feeling better.
hugs, Kath
Posted by alesta on March 2, 2007, at 15:31:13
In reply to Re: bad day....:( » alesta, posted by Kath on March 1, 2007, at 15:25:28
> Hi A,
Hello! :-)
>
> Thanks for posting your apology. I read it as very sincere.
>
> As to the friend exploding. You're probably right; she is under a LOT of stress & sometimes WE are the 'straw that breaks the camel's back'. Sometimes WE happen to be or do or say the thing that is just simply the LAST STRAW & someone flips out. It is NOT cool; it's not OK that they direct everything else at us, but it happens!!Absolutely! Very good points, Kath.:)
> Also, I wonder about when we help a friend come to a very difficult realization - one that's going to be VERY hard for them, because now they REALIZE something is not alright in their life & now they have to either change, or continue to live in that situation, while knowing that it's NOT OK.
> It wouldn't surprise me if a part of them has some frustration about it. I have experienced that myself. I could see myself feeling a kind of frustration with someone who helped me arrive at a place where I could SEE that something in my life wasn't okay & that to take care of myself, I really should do something different....and that might be very hard.
> If I weren't careful, I could feel sort of teed off at the person.
> Not saying it's that in this case; I tend to think it's the last straw thing. But I just wanted to mention it.Yes, I totally see what you're saying...I sort of am pretty good at guiding a person toward what's good for them without crossing that line and pissing them off...probably partially because she knows I really am trying to help and am not telling her advice based on any selfish reasons. She actually appreciated my taking the time and energy to care enough to give advice about the relationship to her (in a subtle diplomatic way without being pushy AT ALL...i know that if you push someone they tend to want to resist and go the other way sometimes..i know when to stop "advising" so to speak..), so that's not really it..he's been more verbally abusive to her lately and she is just starting to lose it (probably one reason she and I are friends...we have dealt with a lot of the same types of men...she, too, has dated mainly abusive types. although i have dated good guys, too)
Hope i'm coming across ok today...i need to get out of this funk/fog and try and post some fun stuff or something and stop bringing everybody down...i'm so self-absorbed when i'm depressed when posting online. sorry for that.
> hugs, Kathhugs to you! thanks for forgiving me and for your posts! I hope you are well!! :-)
Alesta
Posted by alesta on March 2, 2007, at 15:37:34
In reply to Re: » Kath, posted by alesta on March 2, 2007, at 15:31:13
that she apologized for yelling at me the other day. still...i can see his influence in her, and how it changes her...she scares me a little, to be honest. i don't really trust her lately. she kind of acts like him a little. and she's one of those friends that doesn't ever make you feel real good about yourself..hard to explain...
She told me she became like her last abusive boyfriend when she was with him, too. it happens.
I don't really know many people i trust right now, to be honest.
I am so rambling. God, I'm just full of positivity!
Posted by Kath on March 3, 2007, at 19:11:28
In reply to oh i forgot to mention (to kath continued) » alesta, posted by alesta on March 2, 2007, at 15:37:34
I'd say trust your instincts as to feeling safe!!
It's nice she apologized anyway.
I think finding a 'comfortable & healthy' - oh, and balanced - friendship can be hard.
I have a really good friend, who I feel very close to, but often it's "about her". She'll ask me "how are you?" but even under my current circumstances, she never says "How's .......(my son)?" and that sort of hurts me. Then I get teed off! Angry, but it's really from feeling hurt & having my feelings hurt that she doesn't ask about my son, when if her daughter wasn't well, I'd definitely ask.
Hope you're having a nice weekend.
:-) Kath
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