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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on March 25, 2005, at 12:06:19
There may be some of you who know that I recently lost my father, and at that time I sort of 'lost my fam' of origin, also.'
Currently my mother has offered me a deal - it involves one of the properties she owns. She has but a lot of her inheritance into a business, and also owns 4-5 properties.
Her deal is to offer me security - a single-wide manufactured home at a 55+ park where you own the land on which your home sits.
Although have had frequent 'real bad' times in last couple years (time participating here), I've really had 'hard' times for 25+ yrs.
If you wonder why I have nothing - Although I've had marriages and relationships that lasted many yrs, I have never walked away w/ protection. What I mean is, I don't think of what I will NEED or maybe don't know how to LOOK OUT FOR ME once a relationship ends.
Also, the last relationship was w/ thievery and lying (he would do anything for his meth habit).
So, as I have awaited my 'fam of origin' to extend a helping hand, she has finally done so!
Do you know how much I value independence? I value it more than all the money in the world.
My new goal is to see myself, myself. I will not judge myself through others' eyes or judge myself by my environment. I also will not let others or my environment judge me.
What I'm getting at here is that I sort of feel like 'I'm being put out to pasture' in my mother's offer.
She would never live there and she is 74y/o. My neighbors will be the age of my parents! How will I feel if I left this effect me (see above re my insecurity and learning to not judge myself or not let others judge me).
My father bought it from her shortly before he died, and he lived there maybe a month or so.
My fam' of origin is successful. My mother is like a 'golden child'; has had everything she has wanted.
She wants to sell the property I currently live in. She has a wonderful home in a 55+ that is right by my three children. But, it is twice as valuable as the manufactured home, which is not that much closer to my children than I am now.
I emailed my siblings asking them if they would share in the acceptance of this offer, if I were to do it. Not one responded.
Nevertheless, my mother (think can tell by emails) remains in a position to offer me this.
She would sell where I live now, and build a house, identical to the one here near my children, by my siblings in another state.
Is this too rambling. Does anyone get my soul-searching here?
Yes, I must learn humility, but will I lose my individualism in a 55+ park, as 'no more judging' is, at this point, just a goal of mone.
I have always valued individualism. I've learned lately that I need to make 'humility' a goal.
Indivduality, humility; will I lose this chance if I accept her offer; her offer feels like a hand-out or sorts.
I am finally on a good drug regimen and feeling clear in mind and thoughts! I 'do not' look, act, or behave my age. I play rock-n-roll and home dressed in tapestries and beads. Will I fit in there, I wonder.
Sorry long; anyone who has time, can I talk w/ somene a bit?
appreciate, cf
Posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 13:13:47
In reply to At What Price Security?, posted by corafree on March 25, 2005, at 12:06:19
I understand her offer; and how you feel about being "saved?", but I don't really get WHY you need to leave where you are now...
Forgive me if I'm being stupid...
Posted by Susan47 on March 25, 2005, at 17:00:19
In reply to Re: At What Price Security?, posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 13:13:47
My question is, do you pay your mother for rent?
Posted by corafree on March 26, 2005, at 8:20:41
In reply to Re: At What Price Security?, posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 13:13:47
Because the manfac home was owned by my Dad; recall her saying 'I want nothing to do w/ it.' The condo is hers and she feels that is her money.
Because she already has a buyer interested in the condo I live in. Actually, he was wondering around outside, and I approached him. He said he was buying a few. He asked about mine, and I, being the 'notlookoutforself' person that I am, took down his info and gave it to her ... duh!
Also, she has had the manufactured home on the market for over a year and no one has made an offer.
Tks for responding. It helps me to be able to tell these things to someone.
I'm having a mental/physical thing going on that I need to post about on withdrawal.
I really don't have an IRL life! My children; thank God for them. I have had some very close friends that I've lost due to my illness.
Anyway, good Sat and Easter to ya, cf
Posted by sunny10 on March 26, 2005, at 8:50:27
In reply to Re: At What Price Security? » sunny10, posted by corafree on March 26, 2005, at 8:20:41
I'm not sure what you want out of your relationship with your mother. I guess that's what you've got to figure out before you make any decisions.
It sounds like you are not very "close". I know I'd tell my own mother that she never wanted anything to do with it and that Dad had given it to me- possession being nine-tenths of the law; and she probably does not has a will that says she now specifically owns that property... but I don't even have a relationship with my mother, so there would be nothing for me to lose...
You might have something to lose if you try to fight her. And you may not win; it would depend on the decision of a court, I guess...
I also have problems with feeling secure and independent, so I would have problems with the actual moving out of my home bit, not just how near/far it was to my kids...
Gosh, have you had anymore thoughts on this today?
I wish I could offer sound advice, but I must admit, I'm not thinking too clearly myself today..
Happy Saturday and Easter to you, too. Take care of yourself.
Posted by corafree on March 26, 2005, at 11:37:09
In reply to Re: At What Price Security?, posted by Susan47 on March 25, 2005, at 17:00:19
There was land given to me and my siblings, prob' ten years ago now. Everyone but me used it for adding onto or building a house. It was just after my divorce from the violent husband. I had to use the money to live. Anyway, turned out that I never rec'd as much as the rest did. For a while that $ was used to pay my rent. Now, yes, I have to pay a portion to my mother; am on public housing, Sec. 8.
I am ashamed of the whole dang thing...living in/on the system. I've been reassured, ya' know, 'you worked so that you'd have this'; but still I feel that shame.
I was once a success to my fam', but now am the nonsuccess in the fam'.
But, it's odd - sometimes I feel as if I really am a success. Remember, when everyone said 'I'm Not Proud' - it was the cool thing to say. I never liked that. I never understood how my friends could say that.
To me, pride could be a political argument or a religious one. But I think my maker wants me to hold onto 'my little private' pride, yet learn to do it w/ humility.
I intend to never marry or have long relationship w/ a man, for a long time, and by that time I'll prob' have passed anyway. It is certainly not my intention to risk and trust a man again.
Maybe this is what this is really all about. My fam' would have me find a man to care for me. We're not so far ahead of the time when thta was the 'way it was' in society.
I don't wish to; I cannot handle men. So, this is why 'I' am this issue that won't go away, like the lint in their pockets.
My father had so much love and respect for me ... I wonder why.
Did I say I would like to go somewhere by myself and live, and if anyone asked me where my fam' was, I'd say, 'I don't have one.' It's a pipe dream - I'm not that courageous.
(: ******* My daughter finally admitted to me that I was right. She told me that 'yes', I was right when I said that. 'I feel like a burden'. She said that is what it felt like to her. Then she said she was sorry and told me that I am worthy of asking for help. ********* :)
tks you all, cf
Posted by corafree on March 27, 2005, at 16:01:45
In reply to Re: At What Price Security?, posted by sunny10 on March 26, 2005, at 8:50:27
sunny10, Susan 47:
Hi friends!
Well ya' know, this place is 55+; the place where the manufactured home is, is a 55+ park. Where I live now, well couldn't be much closer to a huge university, people from all around the world, unique shops, bookstores, anything you can think of, you'd find nearby.
I've been thinking about hunger.
Not the hunger for food, but the hunger for changes and risks.
I live surrounded by people hungry for knowledge, hungry for meeting/learning new/different people, discussing controversial issues, science, theology, ... hungry for 'moving w/ life' in all it's directions!
I wonder, do these people that live in 55+ manufactured home parks still have that hunger and shut it off or stop dreaming, or maybe have some satisfied it for their life, or have some of them pitifully given up and lost that 'good' hunger?
To be among people like the latter (if that is what they are there, or do there, or feel there), would be like living death to me.
I thrive on hunger - education, risk, controversy, different cultures, churches of every faith, gifted persons, dreamers, and searchers.
I certainly have not met a person to spend 'I've lived my life to the fullest', times, with.
It is scaring me - the 55+ thing is scaring me.
I'm not done (despite my mental health probs'), I'm just not done! I don't want to go out in a blaze of glory as much as I don't want to go out unnoticed.
I know, what do I expect you guys to say; I've got a real HEAVY decision to make, and it could turn out terrible as easily as wonderful. I'm praying.
Thing is, I believe my mother will sell where I now live whether I do or do not want to stay. I don't think it is an option.
I may give up my comfort to stay 'alive' alive!
cf
Posted by sunny10 on March 27, 2005, at 18:08:18
In reply to Re: At What Price Security? » sunny10, posted by corafree on March 27, 2005, at 16:01:45
you gotta do what you gotta do to stay alive... as far as "alive" goes, it won't matter where you live; needing to live, needing to learn, needing to "be" are all things that we do no matter where we live.
Don't concern yourself too much about what the other people do in the 55+ park; your opinion is the one that should matter to you....
I'm sorry that your daughter said that... maybe now that she's gotten that off her chest she can move on to where she can appreciate you now as a person.
It takes some people a while to figure out that someone that doesn't work can still be a worthwhile person!!! Your daughter will figure that out over time.
I wish you all the happiness in the world no matter where you live.
Posted by corafree on March 28, 2005, at 13:32:13
In reply to Re: At What Price Security?, posted by sunny10 on March 27, 2005, at 18:08:18
Yep, girls, you're right. Those need to be my goals!!!!
1) I don't need others to feel the hunger still w/ me now and I hope forever.
2) An environment cannot dictate my behavior.
Saw this on beliefnet:
I pay no attention whatever to anybody's praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
My Goals/Dreams (again)
1) I remember that I am good and love myself, no matter others.
2) If folks in 55+ park never leave their homes, I can and will!
I'll run (or fast walk as doc says); lie down on a blanket and soak up sun on the greenway; listen to rock-n-roll; sit outside in sun and smoke 10cigs in a row (forget the shame) w/ a large pepsi! I have to stay hungry, no matter what.
I'll let you all know when I make the big 'move', if you don't mind.
(Whoa ... am I just kidding myself? What about the fact that I prob' don't think I am worthy of treating myself this well???? You guys need not answer if this post has drizzled out. I just wonder tho', do I really think that 'I' am good enough, worthy enough, to actually set such high goals and really 'work' them??? For me, just me alone??? I've got to understand why, why I think so little of myself, before, before I can treat myself to these lofty goals!!!)
best wishes, cf
Posted by partlycloudy on March 28, 2005, at 14:53:27
In reply to Security At Expense of Hunger for Life » sunny10, posted by corafree on March 28, 2005, at 13:32:13
Wow! Of course you're worthy - as we all are - of a secure home, of safety, of a safe haven. Having a safe place to call home is not a priviledge to be earned - it's a fundamental need for shelter.
I have had that security taken away from me more than once. Although I didn't have a problem with losing the material things (furniture, the personal imprint I'd made on the homes), it made me feel extremely vulnerable to realize how fragile this safe haven is, no matter where it is.
pc
Posted by corafree on March 28, 2005, at 20:56:12
In reply to Re: Security At Expense of Hunger for Life » corafree, posted by partlycloudy on March 28, 2005, at 14:53:27
Just a bit of fear of losing my hunger for life in the 55+ surroundings ... afraid I'll succumb to the suggestion (the suggestion I hear in my thoughts) that it is a place where people go when they've stopped dreaming.
Dreaming, risking, feeling like a child so much of the time; maybe you all have already picked up on that as my personality from posts.
Just had in-home T visit. She said, "I'm afraid you'll not have enough activity going on around you and you may be even more prone to isolate at the 55+ park."
Right partlycloudy - a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on, a door that secures me from harm. If you'd written what I did, I would have told you the same thing!!! Tks so much. It's just that doing it for self is hard!
Labeling (that awful word) borderline and/or bipolar-2 must lend me that 'I am not worthy' attitude.
I was just writing some goals for another T.
At the end, I said I cannot do the goals until I learn what/why/when I lost, or if ever I had, love for self.
Unlike many in DBT, I haven't a particular incident, or series of incidents, from which to explain my Ziggy behavior.
I wish to know what triggered my notion that I am bad. One T says it is unimportant.
I say it is very important to me. Why? Because I have never been able to see things black and white, accept things at face value. I have a need to dissect things.
Something, sometime, went awry, and this is where I need to start from; to begin forgiving, whether it is myself or another. W/o that, I don't think can begin to achieve my goals.
thank you, cf
Posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 9:38:29
In reply to Re: Security At Expense of Hunger for Life » partlycloudy, posted by corafree on March 28, 2005, at 20:56:12
your goals are wonderful and very appropriate. Of course you are worthy!!!
(I know what you mean about dissecting things... I do that too- wish I could just get a frontal lobotomy sometimes, you know???!!!??? To NOT think might be a blessing for me!!)
Keep your eye on your goals, and follow T's advice and don't isolate. I have a plan to move, too. I need to get through the end of my current lease (Aug 2006) and then I am free to reinvent myself.
Far away from my family of origin, no one will ever treat me like a disappointing daughter, sister, mother, ex-wife... I will no longer be filling that role for anyone. I will "be" fine, so I will become fine.
Maybe you can think of ways to do a bit of this, too. You could... I don't know... move in as the outgoing book club, knitting club, baking club (whatever) new neighbor who puts the life back into some of those women's lives- and your own.
Reinvent you... whoever you want you to be. Just act like that around people who have no idea of your past and you can become that person for them, and more importantly, for yourself.
Okay, I'm done preaching... you'll read my post, take that which helps and disregard the rest- exactly how it should be!!!
XOXOXOXOX
-sunny10
Posted by corafree on March 29, 2005, at 13:33:51
In reply to Re: Security At Expense of Hunger for Life » corafree, posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 9:38:29
Fear those recreational activities of elderly behavior, i.e. like crochet and croquet! Oh, how can I talk so selfishly? I am sorry if my babbling regarding age is offensive. It has to be bad verbage. It also is because I'm unhappy w/ my mental health treatment received in the past 20+ years; those years may have been good for some people, but for me w/ what I know now, I allowed them to be stolen from me and I allowed myself to be tortured!
In an old 55+ park, will I meet someone who loves classic rock-n-roll, smokes cigs or doesn't w/o shame or shaming me, sits around talkin' about old times over too much coffee, and talks about things we still would like to do - dreaming on until dreams become reality!?!
I'm really something of an old hippie.
Figure age 55 plus 30 years of fighting a mental illness w/ wrong medication equals 85 yrs old!
But, today feel energy to run 5 minute miles and dress in gypsy clothers!
I look and feel 45 years old today and fear haven't the ability to separate myself from the older people I will meet there & their golf carts & their satisfaction with isolation. I'm really, really scared to accept this offer of security from my mother. She would never think it good enough for her and she is 65y/o to live there; it's all about my mental problems. It's all about them 'not dealing' with me.
If don't accept offer will rob my children of something for their future. I'm so confused; you all know that and know final decision, yeah, is mine. If I choose not to accept my mother's offer, I may only leave children w/ 'the knowledge that mom just had to keep risking - that's the way she was, happy or sad, that's what drove her and kept her alive.'
It seems it is toooo early to place myself in a 55+ environment and 55+ people, when I don't think or, know, I KNOW I CAN'T NOT let them effect me; unable to keep beliefs intact when confronted or even by simple suggestion. Babble, babble ...
Appt w/ another T today awaiting list of my goals, and also some pages re: what happened to me, what 3wks ? ago now - the 'nervous system shutdown' ... which we agree was an 'awakening of a newly found self.' Yeah, know what you're thinking, and, yes, could be the meds! Whatever, was, saying again I think, a Godsend.
I feel youth, seeking, hunger for the first time in years!!!!
This 55+ offer came AFTER the above 'falling down and coming up in another world.'
I wanted to do as you Sunny10 and go to a place to begin anew, but I've no $, and then came the 55+ offer.
For the first time in 10 yrs, I am comfortable here; most everyone knows my name; people like me that I didn't think did before. I enjoy hearing the children. I enjoy hearing the fireworks when a touchdown is made at nearby university. I like hearing the 20-30+ people around me laugh and be amusingly angry about things going on in their lives, overhearing them outside or through walls! I hear the train, the planes. If I need quiet for a bit, just stick in the ole' ear plugs (clean ones, you guys).
If I choose not to go w/ my mother's offer, I will forfeit almost $40,000 in equity of the 55+ property.
I can stay where I am, as the person who wants to buy the condo said it would be fine. Hope he would still allow the smoking, as my mother (who hates cigs) has.
Rainydayman came back and clung to me like his heart needed to suck some part out of mine. No real security w/ him, but he is another 'hunger' I will miss so badly. He and everyone I speak to, thinks the 55+ offer is the way to go. I feel mistrustful.
Why, why, why cannot I settle down and settle???
My plan from childhood, I think, was that at this time in my life I would live in the home I raised my children in. It's gone; went w/ last divorce.
If I settle, ... fear will feel giving in, not continuing a living life.
Thanks you all for listening to what is a journal of sorts. Sharing w/ you all is like having friends. And, you're right Sunny10, I do decide what to take and leave. But yet, I am so needy!
I guess that I don't think myself important enough to journal to myself!
I really want to stay gold - till the end.
Then also, the financial loss to me and my children is a big consideration.
I may be beginning to like it here on the fence.
When making a decision, I can't tell if I'm right or wrong until a foot touches one side or the other.
Tomorrow will go to 55+ manufactured home and watch, walk, scope it out.
Again, thank you all; just want to grow free as I grow old. Lack of self-esteem makes me sooo easily drawn to others' behavior/environment.
Goal #1 - Learn why am so vulnerable and so lacking in self-esteem that my individualism is fragile and easily challenged. Goal #2 - Another person is not and can not mirror me. Goal #3 - My environment does not and cannot dictate my behavior.
((((sunny10&all)))) cf
Posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 13:57:57
In reply to Re: Security At Expense of Hunger for Life, posted by corafree on March 29, 2005, at 13:33:51
settling down is fine if that's what a person wants to do... "settling" for something you don't want is NEVER fine...
Your last post makes the defiant one in me screech out and say scr*w the money, equity, whatever and be true to yourself. As far as your kids go; all of us think our mothers are crazy, eccentric, whatever else.... Be yourself. Some day the kids will find out exactly how hard it IS to be true to yourself and actually come to respect you for your strength and fortitude!!!!
Posted by corafree on March 29, 2005, at 18:49:50
In reply to Re: Security At Expense of Hunger for Life » corafree, posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 13:57:57
Yeah, scr*w the $ sounds good to me right now too! I'm laughin'! And, my T agrees w/ us on that one. Kids would really rather I be happy and settled, than wealthy and settling! Think this has helped me a lot; your help I mean; hope in some way, you too. See ya' round the Bob post! cf
Posted by sunny10 on March 30, 2005, at 11:14:02
In reply to Re: Security At Expense of Hunger for Life » sunny10, posted by corafree on March 29, 2005, at 18:49:50
This is the end of the thread.
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