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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on August 27, 2002, at 20:59:27
I started thinking about this as I was reading the thread about tina having such a hard time. I've always hated compliments. They embarrass me and seem so undeserved. My therapist thinks I pretty much filter them out right away. I can't ever imagine having felt differently.
I know it's not this way for everyone. My husband will frequently repeat to me favorable things someone has said to him about work he's done. It obviously means something to him. Nice things someone says to me never seem to stay with me and i would never repeat them to someone else.
I understand that people who are depressed frequently have low opinions of themselves that are surely at odds with the compliments they receive. I'm pretty much the same way about compliments when I'm not depressed as I am when I'm down.
Have others noticed the same thing about themselves?
Mair
Posted by Dinah on August 27, 2002, at 21:40:26
In reply to Why do we hate compliments?, posted by mair on August 27, 2002, at 20:59:27
Well, I hate to admit it, but I only hate compliments when I'm feeling self-loathing. The rest of the time I love them.
As I said in the thread above, my mother was free with compliments when I was young. My father was not, but I always saw that as his problem not mine. :) (But do you know, I originally typed "my problem not his" - freudian slip?)
There are areas of my life that I don't feel confident about, like relating to others, and I hate compliments in those areas. Unless of course they are small compliments about specific acts, which I see as relatively realistic.
There are other areas where I feel pretty confident, and I don't mind compliments at all, although I don't need them particularly either. I have enough faith in my abilities that unless I hear differently I assume I'm doing fine. That sounds awful doesn't it? Schoolwork used to be one of those areas. Darn I miss school.
So I guess I don't mind compliments that are congruent with my own opinion of myself, and I don't like compliments that aren't. So when I'm self loathing I hate all compliments.
This was terribly wordy, but I guess what I'm trying to ask is do you have a general problem with your self image? (Of course, you don't need to answer.) Is there an area of life you really feel confident about, and do you mind compliments in that area?
Posted by Ted on August 27, 2002, at 21:50:18
In reply to Why do we hate compliments?, posted by mair on August 27, 2002, at 20:59:27
I'm buttin' in here....
I, like Tina, also hate compliments. (Sorry Dinah, sweety.) They make me feel uncomfortable, like the complimentor is trying to suck up or something. What makes it worse is when we are conditioned by our parents to be overachievers, who get more compliments than average, and we still hate them.
I can't ever win.
Ted
Posted by Dinah on August 27, 2002, at 22:00:30
In reply to Re: Why do we hate compliments? » mair, posted by Ted on August 27, 2002, at 21:50:18
Well, now I feel bad. :)
I give compliments with gay abandon, not to suck up, but whenever I feel they are deserved. I guess I learned that at my mother's knee. I never give false compliments.
And some of my favorite complimentees don't like getting them. Well, Mair and Ted, you're just out of luck. I don't think I can change who I am even to please you two. :) I'll try to restrain myself a bit if you'll realize that I mean what I say, and that I don't mean any harm by it. Oh, darn, that probably won't work out either because I'll end up saying something like "I know you don't like compliments, so I won't give you one for being so intelligent and kind."
Oh dear.
Sorry guys.
Posted by Susan G on August 27, 2002, at 23:04:13
In reply to Re: Chuckle. » Ted, posted by Dinah on August 27, 2002, at 22:00:30
My impulse is to always discount compliments when they're given to me. I end up trying to argue the complimentor out of the compliment which usually just leads to an even more awkward exchange of compliments and denials. So I've tried to make myself just say, "thanks". It was hard at first but it's easier now and it does feel pretty good.
Posted by *alii* on August 27, 2002, at 23:30:54
In reply to compliments, posted by Susan G on August 27, 2002, at 23:04:13
>>>>> My impulse is to always discount compliments when they're given to me. I end up trying to argue the complimentor out of the compliment which usually just leads to an even more awkward exchange of compliments and denials. So I've tried to make myself just say, "thanks". It was hard at first but it's easier now and it does feel pretty good.<<<<<
I won't get into how I feel about compliments but I will share what my mother taught me:
"When someone compliments you (and you want to deny/refuse/etc.) you say 'thank you' put on your nicest smile and close your mouth (shut up!)"
My ma said this with love mind ya.....but it does get me to chuckle because I've passed it along to so many people in my life. When an old friend of mine receives a compliment from me he first hems and haws and then quickly says 'thank you....look I'm smiling and now I'm shutting up!' Very comical to have the commentary on his smiling and hushing up.....he's a wiseass but still the message lives on......
~~alii full of anxiety ack!
Posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 0:03:39
In reply to Re: compliments » Susan G, posted by *alii* on August 27, 2002, at 23:30:54
Alii
>what my mother taught me:
>
> "When someone compliments you (and you want to deny/refuse/etc.) you say 'thank you' put on your nicest smile and close your mouth (shut up!)"I wish my mother had taught that to me. I had to learn it out the hard way. :-(
Ted
Posted by shar on August 28, 2002, at 0:34:24
In reply to Re: compliments » *alii*, posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 0:03:39
You are right on. That is the only way to accept a compliment, imo. It doesn't mean one has to believe it, but it does honor the 'goodwill' that someone feels toward you in order to give the compliment. A smile, a thank you, and sometimes a comment (I'm so pleased to hear that), is how I finally learned to go with it (from Miss Manners).
She also has a lovely way of handling insults, like if someone says your baby is ugly..."why thank you, we knew you would share in our joy." And variations thereof.
This doesn't apply to every situation of course...some compliments are obviously fake--I get the 'be nice to the old lady' ones that annoy the hell out of me. Dumb bunnies ought to know that at my age I'm not to be trifled with ...hahahaha.
Shar
Posted by *alii* on August 28, 2002, at 0:46:01
In reply to Re: compliments---Alii, posted by shar on August 28, 2002, at 0:34:24
Posted by Medusa on August 28, 2002, at 1:25:29
In reply to Why do we hate compliments?, posted by mair on August 27, 2002, at 20:59:27
Heh, this is a big theme for everybody, I bet.
For me, how I receive compliments depends on the source and the context.
- There are compliments that are all about the complimenter, and not about the complimentee. Like compliments from my parents. Anything positive I did reflect(ed/s) on THEM, and their compliments serve to make sure I know it. My mother criticised me ALL THE TIME about how I reacted to her compliments. She accepted and accepts compliments utterly without ANY thought for the source or ulterior motives or context, and I think that's silly.
- Then there are compliments-as-attempts-to-regain-favor. Compliments from my ILs are all about THEM trying to make me play their Haaaapppy Faaaaaaaamily game. I don't like any of them, they know it, and it's soooooooo funny to see them tiptoe around me looking for things to compliment. Sheesh. Most of them are of the Takey Tribe, and were furious when I put my foot down on their endless strings of requests for favors (some before they'd ever met me, when DH and I were dating long-distance). Their compliments are highly suspect - what do they want from me now?
- Comparative compliments are not well received by anyone, are they? Compliments about my appearance IRK me because they're a back-handed reference to the times when I look like crap. I once showed a therapist pictures from a holiday with my family, and she didn't recognize me in the pictures - our sessions were always in the a.m. before I went to the office, and in the holiday pix, I was in slouch gear. Styling makes a huge difference in my appearance, and I feel like that makes my emotional state SO transparent, and a "you look amazing, I barely recognized you" or even a "you look great!" feels like the comparison is implied.
- Local-commerce compliments I take as they come. I just made a suit. DH picked it up from the cleaners (a professional pressing makes it all look more polished) and relayed the cleaner-clerk's compliments on my work. I appreciate that, but I wouldn't turn around and tell someone the cleaner said I'm a gifted tailor. One, I'm NOT "a gifted tailor" - I'm a pretty good sewer for personal purposes. Nothing ready-to-wear fits properly, and I can't afford custom work by someone else. Two, and more importantly - she wants my business, so she's going to say nice things.
- Earned compliments, I take and savor and even extend in my head if I know I deserve it. Once at my last job, someone left abruptly, and the ad agency she'd brought in to produce a promotional brochure resigned the account, mid-project. I persuaded them to give me the files and the name of the printer they'd planned on using, and I managed the production. When the brochures arrived, I trotted one down to my boss. He probably had no idea what went into that, but I was proud and knew I'd done well outside my job description (I was an analyst, not a marketing person), so his compliment was easy to accept.
- Compliments as weapons against third parties, I can enjoy but don't take personally. Well, I take them as indicators that I'm learning to navigate the social ocean, that my efforts to play friendly are paying off. At a few recent obligatory parties, I got a lot of compliments from strangers, but they all hate my ILs and it was just in reference to what hell people think I must be giving them. When other guests asked me how I liked living here, I put on a good show of being okay. So their compliments weren't for me, but against someone else, and I got to laugh inside at my IL's complaints about me backfiring.
- Compliments that are intended as insults are probably my favorite. If someone I don't respect dislikes me, that's just about the best feeling there is.
And that's my rambling for today on compliments. I didn't mention the "I luuurrrve the color of your lipstick" compliments, because I haven't been in that scene in a long time, but I sort of miss those MIT engineers in a strange way. Ah, the days when clear lip balm was enough charm for desperate grad students.
Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 6:09:37
In reply to depends on the source - long, lots of examples, posted by Medusa on August 28, 2002, at 1:25:29
>
> - Comparative compliments are not well received by anyone, are they? Compliments about my appearance IRK me because they're a back-handed reference to the times when I look like crap. I once showed a therapist pictures from a holiday with my family, and she didn't recognize me in the pictures - our sessions were always in the a.m. before I went to the office, and in the holiday pix, I was in slouch gear. Styling makes a huge difference in my appearance, and I feel like that makes my emotional state SO transparent, and a "you look amazing, I barely recognized you" or even a "you look great!" feels like the comparison is implied.
>
I once got a surprised "You used to be pretty!" to one of my high school pictures. I am pretty sure I was amused and not offended (because it was pretty accurate), but I sure do remember it. :)
Posted by BeArDedLADY on August 28, 2002, at 7:58:04
In reply to Why do we hate compliments?, posted by mair on August 27, 2002, at 20:59:27
I love compliments, and I give them when I think someone is deserving. I pride myself on being able to write the tear-jerker card, telling, for example, my next door neighbor, upon her high school graduation and acceptance into Juliard, that I can't imagine how her parents must feel because I am so proud of her that I feel like she's mine!
I also tell people off when they're morons. It's the honesty thing. My therapist says I'm gonna get shot one day.
My parents complimented me all the time, and I am in a place where I have put myself out, so to speak. Lots of people know me, know my work. I have saved letters and cards and e-mails that were nice, poems on which someone has scribbled a nice comment. It's hard to have low self-esteem when you have constant reminders that you are of value to others!
But when it's about my body? "Ugh. I'm still too fat," I would always say. And I think everyone denies clothing compliments. I learned (on a talk show, prob!) to say thank you, rather than, "Oh, this old thing? I've had it for years." That's an insult to the people who complimented you. "Ew, how could you like this old rag? Your taste is crap."
A few weeks ago, I was reintroduced to a woman I'd met at our pool--someone I didn't converse with but saw a lot when I sat on the non-child side of the pool with my folks. A woman said, "Have you met beardy?" Out of nowhere and in front of five other people, she said, "Yes, I remember you from the other side of the pool. You are more beautful now than you ever were!" And I just froze for a moment and said, "My goodness! What a lovely thing to say! That really made me feel good." And I don't think I will ever forget it.
beardy
Posted by fiona on August 28, 2002, at 8:22:31
In reply to Re: compliments » *alii*, posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 0:03:39
Like Alii I was once told "when complimented just smile and say thank you". But it wasn't by my mother, but an ex boyfriend. He said that when someone gives you a compliment, they don't want it thrown back in their face, that would be terribly rude. That when someone compliments you they don't want to argue the point until it becomes awkward. After he told me that I took it on board and now when someone says something nice to me, I usually just thank them and smile, but inside I am cringeing and I want to vomit.
I guess I have a problem with my self esteem most of the time. But when I'm manic, now that's a different story...
:)
Posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 10:48:18
In reply to Re: compliments, posted by fiona on August 28, 2002, at 8:22:31
>...when someone says something nice to me, I usually just thank them and smile, but inside I am cringeing and I want to vomit.
> I guess I have a problem with my self esteem most of the time. But when I'm manic, now that's a different story...EXACTLY!! Excellent description.
Ted
Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 14:18:13
In reply to Re: compliments -- that's it exactly! » fiona, posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 10:48:18
Honestly, would you like me to stop giving compliments where I think they're deserved? If so, I'll make a list and restrain myself for those people. I'd hate to make anyone feel like vomiting. I have quite a vomit phobia. :(
Posted by Ted on August 28, 2002, at 14:50:07
In reply to Re: Well guys..., posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 14:18:13
Dinah,
> Honestly, would you like me to stop giving compliments where I think they're deserved?
No! We are talking about OUR problems. Our problems should have no effect on your actions unless specifically requested.
Please keep the ego boosting coming. :-)
Ted
Posted by mair on August 28, 2002, at 14:56:31
In reply to Re: Well guys..., posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 14:18:13
Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 14:58:34
In reply to Dinah - Don't stop on my account (-: (nm), posted by mair on August 28, 2002, at 14:56:31
It would have been quite an effort. :)
Posted by fiona on August 28, 2002, at 16:38:22
In reply to Re: Thanks guys..., posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 14:58:34
Yes Dinah, don't stop. Maybe eventually people like us will be able to accept a compliment for real if kind people like you keep giving them.
Anyway, I know that giving a compliment is just as important as recieving. Giving I can do no problem.:)
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