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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on April 8, 2011, at 9:23:21
As the memories of that session wear off, it just feels like I'm not going to therapy. I'm not distraught or anything, but I'm feeling anxious and somehow disconnected from life.
I guess it doesn't help that I know he's having surgery this week. And that it was our anniversary this week, and I didn't even notice until a couple of days later. I did leave him a voice message before his surgery wishing him well and mentioning the anniversary. I said he didn't need to return the call and he didn't.
I guess attachment sometimes doesn't just dissolve.
Posted by 10derheart on April 8, 2011, at 9:44:01
In reply to Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by Dinah on April 8, 2011, at 9:23:21
>>I guess attachment sometimes doesn't just dissolve.
No, it most certainly does not.
It makes sense you feel like that this week. Not to mention not seeing someone who has been a fixture in your life for years is bound to trigger something sometime...no matter the reason.
If I had something else helpful to say, I would. I just feel like an idiot who now knows *nothing* at all about these relationships anymore. The complexity is just overwhelming, I guess.
Posted by LadyBug on April 8, 2011, at 16:56:08
In reply to Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by Dinah on April 8, 2011, at 9:23:21
I've been thinking about you a lot and wondering if you'd gone back to see him? It's almost like an amputation of a body part. Like losing something that's a part of you and then all of a sudden it's gone, but not from your mind. I can kind of relate but not totally.
Will you go back? Or not? I wish it was different for you. Such an investment of your whole self. I wish you the best!
Warm Regards,
LadyBug
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 8, 2011, at 21:36:31
In reply to Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by Dinah on April 8, 2011, at 9:23:21
I understand completely and I hate that you're going through this.
(((((((Dinah)))))))))
Posted by annierose on April 8, 2011, at 22:10:42
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on April 8, 2011, at 21:36:31
I wish there were magic words to make everything right - but the limbo feeling just sucks. Do you have any sense how long he planned to take off of work after the surgery?
Thinking of you -
Posted by sleepygirl2 on April 9, 2011, at 8:08:13
In reply to Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by Dinah on April 8, 2011, at 9:23:21
No, I suppose attachment doesn't just dissolve.
Sounds really hard Dinah :-(
((((you))))
Posted by Dinah on April 9, 2011, at 8:53:01
In reply to Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by Dinah on April 8, 2011, at 9:23:21
Thanks, guys.
I guess I should feel happy that it is more of a creeping feeling of anxiety than the stronger frantic feelings it used to be. I suppose creeping anxiety is bearable.
I'll probably be in contact with him sometime at the end of the month.
The whole last session seems more like a dream than anything else. What's one session against many years of relationship? It's just hard to believe it ever happened.
Except that I know it did.
Posted by Daisym on April 9, 2011, at 17:57:53
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by Dinah on April 9, 2011, at 8:53:01
When I had a big rupture in my therapy last December, I felt like someone had scooped my insides out. And yet numb as I felt, there was this dull sort of ache and incompleteness. I was completely disconnected from myself - I walked into walls and last chunks of time. I imagine this is what deep grief around death feels like - kind of surreal in many ways.
Eventually I began to reclaim the parts of my therapist I had internalized - the best of the work we had done together was inside me. You've sometimes said that the therapist you imagine is better than the one you met with on that particular day. This is not to in anyway disrespect the loss of actually seeing him and the concreteness of that. But I encourage you to find the therapist of your memories and your growth and hold on to those whispers during this difficult time.
Because truly, what has happened can not undo all the years of work and love. They still count and it is OK to use them to help yourself.
Be gentle with yourself.
Posted by Dinah on April 10, 2011, at 18:42:22
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift » Dinah, posted by Daisym on April 9, 2011, at 17:57:53
It seems to be easier to access that inner therapist when the outer one is around. Even if the inner one is better.
Maybe I'm blocking off the pain, and blocking off everything else as well.
I just feel rather unreal. Feeling unreal isn't particularly unusual for me, of course.
I always worried that seeing my therapist helped me keep in touch with my emotional self, and perhaps that's what is happening. I'm losing touch with my core. Which is fine, I suppose, unless that part of me starts screaming to be heard.
Posted by Tabitha on April 11, 2011, at 3:40:09
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift » Daisym, posted by Dinah on April 10, 2011, at 18:42:22
Dinah I think we need to swap therapists. Yours would be most willing to tell me our sessions are no longer productive. Mine would be all interested in exploring the notion that feeling anxious and adrift indicates you've lost touch with your core and need the sessions to stay connected to it.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2011, at 6:33:56
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by Tabitha on April 11, 2011, at 3:40:09
i think you do got a better therapist inside of you than he was. he was probably a really important part of your journey to get that inner therapist. other peoples, too.
i don't reckon you will lose touch or contact with the emotional part of you. you got your inner therapist now, and that will make it safe for you to keep in touch.
i think i understand a little bit about the anxious and adrift...
i... see my therapist. sometimes. mostly not. haven't felt connected to him since coming back from the US. basically... he is too much there when i need him to back off and when i really really really need him he is nowhere to be found. everybody has been like that for me in my life. but now... i dunno... i'm just finding that i need him less. not quite sure why. but that makes it mostly okay.
we haven't officially called it quits yet, though. so that is another step again. i guess i do feel anxious about that. even though i haven't emotionally connected to him in months. perhaps even years now. i forget. lost track of the timeline of my life years ago.
all i really care about is lifting, these days. lifting... might get cut from doing my phd sometime soon... might get off my *ss and write it up. i don't know. have made a few gestures... i don't know.
i don't know anymore. lifting makes me happy, though. i wish i found it years ago.
miss you dinah. but not too bad. don't know how to explain. its like you never left. i don't know.
i hope you feel better soon.
Posted by Dinah on April 11, 2011, at 8:03:41
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by Tabitha on April 11, 2011, at 3:40:09
Well, in general he would be smart enough *not* to say those things. Knowing that saying them would make me cling harder. That's part of why his saying them was so unexpected. It was so out of character.
But he wouldn't say what your therapist was saying either.
He'd likely say something neutral about not knowing what it meant, and tell me the story about the farmer and his son after I glared at him for being so neutral.
Posted by Dinah on April 11, 2011, at 8:12:09
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2011, at 6:33:56
Alex, I know lifting makes you feel good. And compulsive behaviors (including, perhaps, therapy) can keep the demons away.
But from what you're saying it's getting in the way of your life? That's fine if you've decided that the Phd program won't bring you the life you want. And if lifting can provide you a way of making a living. And, being the cautious soul I am, that you have a backup plan in case you're injured or something.
Something about the way you talk about it makes me feel vaguely uneasy. As if you are perhaps trying to say that it's causing problems in your life, even if it's also providing some good.
Addiction is addiction I think. Whether it's to lifting or therapy or substances, it's good to take a step back now and again and decide whether it is in healthy bounds. Certainly I think it can be. But the way you describe it makes me feel unsure.
I'm sorry if I've misunderstood, and you have a lifting life plan all worked out.
Posted by wittgensteinz on April 12, 2011, at 11:48:17
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by Dinah on April 9, 2011, at 8:53:01
Hi Dinah,
I've been following your threads as usual. I've gone as far as writing a couple of replies but each time have deleted them as they ended up being more self-serving than helpful (i.e. me expressing my anxiety about your situation than providing support or advice).
While from what I gather things haven't been right for a while in your therapy insofar as you haven't known how to fill the sessions and it's been hard keeping him awake, I always perceived your therapeutic relationship as one that is rock solid - he fits like an old slipper, I recall you once writing. Whenever I read of fall-outs or catastrophic sessions, ruptures and break-ups it makes me uneasy but reading of yours is somehow different - I guess it was just the last thing I imagined and still I hope somehow that I'll come on to babble one day and things will be 'ok' again.
He's gone and stuck his toe right through the metaphorical slipper, so to speak. When words like his are spoken it's hard to retract them and it's hard to know a way around it.
Sometimes I have the impression my therapist is bored with me (he always denies it) - I guess it isn't the job of the client/patient to be an entertainer but it is the job of the therapist to remain awake, present and alert and I'm sorry your therapist let you down so catastrophically that last session.
In the past you wrote about how even the mention of 'termination' was something that evoked much anxiety. I imagine the same goes for a lot of people in long term therapy - but while this whole horrible experience is obviously very difficult you come across as a very strong and in my eyes healthy person.
While one reflects on what may have been lost one must not forget all that has been gained. I hope that your therapist also takes some time to reflect on all that he has gained from having the privilege of accompanying you on your journey. I guess I still hope that this can be resolved somehow - you and him together - with dignity and respect.
I'm sorry for making this post rather self-serving.
Witti
Posted by alexandra_k on April 14, 2011, at 7:06:57
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on April 11, 2011, at 8:12:09
I think people need something that makes them feel good. Pretty reliably good. It is different for different people. Therapy has played that role in my life. Having a relationship with my therapist. Philosophy has played that role in my life. Reading that and talking to people about philosophical ideas. Now... The thing that does that for me is lifting.
I don't know about philosophy... I know I need to remain financially viable lol. Ideally have more money than I do now as my present living circumstances are only viable because I am a grad student... I always thought I wanted a vocation. My work to be something that I was passionate about. Now I'm fairly attracted to the idea of work being something palatable that means I'm financially viable so that in my leisure time I can engage in my passion - to lift!
So I dunno... I started functions work about a month ago (catering, basically). Hours on my feet. Not terribly many - about 2 shifts of 3-5 hours per week. It is hard going for me on my feet, though. Would I be alright doing that work full time in order to support my lifting? Guess I'd like a bit more money than that... Not sure my feet are up to it... It is a bit physical and would interfere with my lifting... Starting to get back into my writing, though, as my body adapts to the demands.
Also doing tutoring work (teaching and grading). Less hours (on paper, anyway). Pays considerably more. Considerably. It stresses me out mentally in a way that the functions work doesn't, though. I... Enjoy the functions work more, I guess. Grade three papers or carry round plates of food / drink? No brainer...
Dunno. Can try and hit the civil service here (pays well, flexible hours, seems to be the done thing). I... I'm not sure about philosophy anymore since I'm not passionate about it most of the time... Since I'm not sure about the people and the ideas anymore...
Lifting won't provide me a living. I have no natural ability or talent. But I look forward to it the way I used to look forward to therapy. I look forward to learning how to lift better the way I used to enjoy learning about psychology and philosophy. I already am injured / the walking wounded lol. I wake up in the morning and lifting gets me out of bed. I get through the grind of the day because I want to lift that evening.
In a couple years I might be good enough to hit the Masters Games. :-)
It really is the funnest thing in the world.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 14, 2011, at 7:13:49
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by alexandra_k on April 14, 2011, at 7:06:57
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqOtZHSt_oU&feature=related
its actually really technical... i love that, too:
Posted by Dinah on April 14, 2011, at 20:07:12
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift » Dinah, posted by wittgensteinz on April 12, 2011, at 11:48:17
It's hard to remember that session as time goes by.
I did call him today. I'm working on switching psychiatrists, since mine moved someplace that's really not convenient for me. The new one sent me a pre-intake questionnaire that has given me a headstart on disliking her. I've got no idea how to answer half the questions, so I called my therapist to see if he could meet with me to discuss it. We have an appointment next Wednesday. He said he was going to call me to tell me that his surgery went fine and he was back to work. He sounded happy to hear from me.
I don't know. I think part of it is that will I or nill I, change happens. Even in me.
Thanks, Witti. What happens with me won't necessarily happen with you. But I suppose I would have to say that things do happen whether or not you want them to.
Posted by Dinah on April 14, 2011, at 20:11:54
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift, posted by alexandra_k on April 14, 2011, at 7:06:57
Well, as long as it isn't interfering with your life, I think it's good to have an interest. It's also a way to bring a group of people into your life.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 14, 2011, at 22:57:41
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on April 14, 2011, at 20:11:54
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6S1V6aUp_TA&feature=related
weightlifting is life. a celebration of it.
Posted by wittgensteinz on April 16, 2011, at 11:26:26
In reply to Re: Starting to feel anxious and adrift » wittgensteinz, posted by Dinah on April 14, 2011, at 20:07:12
I'm glad his op went ok. It's also nice to hear that he was pleased to hear you when you spoke on the phone.
I hope the session goes well - those forms are hopeless (especially when they only let you to tick boxes). Hopefully the pdoc will be better than her silly form.
I will finally be seeing a new pdoc in the beginning of May. I stopped seeing the last pdoc over a year ago (the one I posted about a couple of years back - maybe you recall) - hopefully new pdoc won't be so presumptuous and provocative (don't do too well with those types).
"things do happen whether or not you want them to" - yes unfortunately they do (sometimes it can be a good thing I suppose). I can't really imagine the 'ending' yet - it will inevitably come around but I'm hoping I'll be prepared for it and will emerge the other side without it getting in the way of all the work we will have done by then.
Witti
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