![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 12:27:55
Is it because my T is sick and I have to leave him, that it is making me even angrier at my first T? I am not angry at my T who is sick, but I feel a loss. He hasn't called me this week to even talk to me, to find out why I canceled my session. I called him on last Thurs and left a message if he he was okay with me after our session. Well he called back later that day and I wasn't at home. But he hasn't called since, does he even know I am gone? Does he even care or I wonder if he is glad to be rid of me? Does he even remember that I am a client?
All I know is that I have this intense anger at my old T. I am pissed off at his cocky ways. I am angry what he did to me, the way he hurt me. So I got some justice or some would say revenge. He has confidentiality, but I don't, I can say he was my T who was unethical, I can write it in my blog, I can write it on doctor's reviews. He can't do anything against it or even say who I am , because it is all true, so I hope he feels embarrassed from it all. Why does this make me feel so satisfied. Am I becoming my mother? Am I sick person who has to hurt someone who hurt me first? Why can't i just brush it off my shoulder and not care anymore?
Posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 13:01:48
In reply to Why do I feel so angry now?, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 12:27:55
Here is a song about the other way I also feel. Why such anger though? Why now a year 1/2 later?
DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO
by Sarah MaLachlanWhat ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...
And I have the sense to recognize that
I dont know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
Im ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I dont know how
To let you go
I dont know how
To let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within Im shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I cant be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I cant be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I dont know how to let you go
I dont know how to let you go
Posted by muffled on October 1, 2008, at 14:15:23
In reply to Why do I feel so angry now?, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 12:27:55
I think its ALOT of things Lemon.
All comming together.
And you just feel strongly, your a passionate person.
Can you call your (ex) T and touch base, just to say Hi?
As for your ex-ex T, well, you guys had a lot in common, and he was proly entranced by you as you are an interesting person. He did in fact screw up royally and its too bad he doesn't own that fact. Its hard cuz you guys really 'clicked', but its over now and I hope you can try and let go and let your anger out in more lifegiving ways.
Have you tried the new T yet?
Its so hard when the emotions are so raw, but try and do all the self soothing/comfort things you know that work for you. Like excercise and kids and stuff.
Journalling might be good too.
Take good care,
M
Posted by antigua3 on October 1, 2008, at 16:03:15
In reply to Why do I feel so angry now?, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 12:27:55
It's OK you feel this way, and from my point of view, it's pretty normal. You're being triggered by the current situation w/your T and it's bringing up all the old stuff. For me, anyway, that's how it works.
So.... meeting w/a new T, as you've planned, is a good step forward. You have two Ts to get over, but that's because of the unusual circumstances.
Please take care,
antigua
Posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 18:54:59
In reply to Re: Why do I feel so angry now?, posted by muffled on October 1, 2008, at 14:15:23
She said that he wanted to know if I wanted to make an appointment or I wanted him to call back. I told her I didn't know what I want, but it was weird talking to her about it, and not him. This is just so confusing to me.
Posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2008, at 19:07:15
In reply to My T had the secretary call me, instead of him, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 18:54:59
Just wanted you to know I understand as read your blog. Love Phillipa
Posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 19:58:10
In reply to Re: My T had the secretary call me, instead of him » lemonaide, posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2008, at 19:07:15
Thanks Phillipa,
I just want to get the anger out of me, I want him out of me, all of him. I plan on telling this to my new T I am meeting with, maybe she can help, she has experience with dealing with clients who had unethical therapists.
I don't think holding this anger inside is good for me, writing helps me vent, but it is hard when so many can't handle the anger of venting. It is almost the forbidden emotion or something.
Posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2008, at 20:15:06
In reply to Re: My T had the secretary call me, instead of him » Phillipa, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 19:58:10
Get out that punching bag!!!!! Phillipa
Posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 21:41:49
In reply to Why do I feel so angry now?, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 12:27:55
Lemonaide,
It is not surprising that you are feeling intensely right now. You have not had the best of experiences with either of your Ts, to put it mildly. Despite all of your efforts and desires to connect and form an enduring bond, both Ts let you down in one way or another. I think it is impressive how, despite the difficulties, you've been able to take some good things from your previous therapies for your own use. That shows strength. I'm very glad that you have a new T. Hopefully, three will be the charm, and she will help you continue your healing journey and get over your bad experiences.
Let us know how it goes with the new T.
Best, Lucie
Posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 22:18:24
In reply to Re: Why do I feel so angry now? » lemonaide, posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 21:41:49
Thanks everyone,
I am also going to see my reg. doctor first thing in the morning. I made an emergency appointment to get in. I can feel myself slipping again in that deep hole of worsening depression. I think I need a higher dose of meds. This thing with my T is hurting me more than I realize,the 1 year anniv. of my brother and my granddaughter Lia's death is a month away. Plus I am turning 40 in a couple of months and for some reason that is bothering me. I am trying so hard, I am going to sign up again for that internship, maybe helping others will make me feel good.
For now I just don't like living right now, I am not suicidal, I just am tired of hanging on, I am tired of pain. I just don't like my life right now, and I wish I could take a time out from everything, wifehood, motherhood, therapy, everything. I just want to hide away from the world. I just hate living right now.
Posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 22:39:21
In reply to Re: Why do I feel so angry now? possible triggers*, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 22:18:24
Living is so f*ck*ng hard, and the pain is so unbearable right now. I just want to escape myself
Posted by seldomseen on October 2, 2008, at 7:02:47
In reply to Why do I feel so angry now?, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 12:27:55
Well, I think you have obviously been strongly triggered.
It's almost as though you had two t's that hurt you in two separate ways: one by his action, one by his inability to act.
You obviously valued both therapists.
Love, anger, disappointment, hurt - those emotions all seem to be so intertwined in your situation.
Anger usually gets the most airtime because it is, I think, the easiest one to express. It's also the most protective.
Personally, I would much rather be royally pissed off rather than hurt.
Anger also gets heard. It definately gets attention, whereas disappointment and hurt tend to be quieter, yet are infinitely so much more powerful.
I hear them all - the love, the hurt, the disappointment and the anger in your posts and in your experiences.
It's tough stuff and I understand. I hear you.
My hope right now is that, in the middle of this swirl, there is something in which you can find some peace, and something that re-connects you with the love.
I suspect it might be the guinea pigs...
Squeak!
Take good good care.
Seldom.
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 2, 2008, at 8:31:09
In reply to My T had the secretary call me, instead of him, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 18:54:59
I have a couple of thoughts.
My current T doesn't have a secretary - all the appointment scheduling and money transactions go through her directly. Sometimes it takes a while for her to call me back when I leave her a message. Sometimes it can be a little bit awkward to to the "business" end of our relationship when we've had a heavy session - like, omg, I have to get out my calendar and my checkbook and I'm still crying kind of thing. But I think that doing this stuff directly with her, rather than with a secretary, is actually a good part of our relationship - it keeps me grounded in the reality that we have a multi-faceted, complex thing going on. I don't have to keep all the emotional stuff exclusively for dealing with her, and the dry, money or scheduling stuff with another, impartial third party - she does that stuff too. It keeps it all pretty real for me. I think it helps me with some of my attachment issues.
And - this is something that I think will be really helpful for you - I hope that you'll find that working with a female therapist will bring a new dimension into the therapeutic relationship for you. I've worked with male T's in the past, and find (I think because I've been so parched for maternal nurturing for most of my life) that I get so much more out of working with a female therapist. I literally feel sometimes that I've been in a desert looking for water, and that female therapists are like oases for me - really enriching and nourishing. That's been my experience, anyways. Of course I still go through the feelings of anger, frustration, and fear - but, more so, I find that tenderness and support play the much larger roles in therapy.
Just my thoughts. I hope I'm not pinning too much hope on this new T for you, but I think that you deserve a much better experience right now, and that you are ripe for it.
Posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 12:45:30
In reply to Re: My T had the secretary call me, instead of him » lemonaide, posted by Partlycloudy on October 2, 2008, at 8:31:09
I think I need a nap, didn't sleep well last night. My doct raised up my dosage to 90mg of Cymbalta. But what I wasn't expecting was an intense emotional appointment. He got on me about my life when I told him I am tired of living. He talked about my marriage and how I need to change my life if I want this depression to get better, otherwise I am just putting on a band aide on the problem. Okay, I know this, but it was hard to hear it again from someone.
I was in tears through out the appointment. He wants me to take self defense or learn to use a gun so I can feel more powerful against my mom. Seems like he is trying to toughen me up or something. He spent over 1/2 hour with me and that is a long time with family practitioner. But I like that he takes his time with patients when he needs to. He told me I had such a good heart, but I wear it on my sleeve, but I am really a good person. He wants me to do the internship, to keep my goals in mind and because it is a good opportunity I have been given. It is so weird to be told I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I was never this way before therapy, I was actually mostly the opposite. Then 2 hours later I met with my new TI am so relieved to talk to someone who understand PTSD, child abuse and T abuse. It was like she could end my sentences. Plus I can sit on a big comfy couch! I like that, it was way more comfortable than a big chair. It was cool she got what I said, and offered me validation about my old T, both of them. She asked me really good questions, basically got a good general overview of my life.
One things that she said was that she was going to make sure she keep boundaries secure for me, because I haven't had that with my T in my life or many others while growing up. I said I would be grateful for that. I even have these worksheets about boundaries in everyday life I am suppose to read and think about.
She is going to look at my website, she knows what is on it and she understands my anger from my old T. I made another appointment with her, I feel good about this one. It is funny how you can know right away if it isn't going to work. But I think I have a chance with her. So we will see how it goes next week.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 2, 2008, at 13:53:15
In reply to Back from both appointments, posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 12:45:30
((((((twin)))): This sounds good!!! I am so glad....Love n Hugs, Crazier...twin!
Posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 16:35:16
In reply to Re: Back from both appointments » lemonaide, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 2, 2008, at 13:53:15
Thanks Sassy,
I am feeling good about this. She is also going to help me end things with my 2nd old therapist. Man how am I am going distinguish who is who now? lol
My Old T called me this morning, sounding defensive probably to my message that I didn't feel comfortable discussing my therapy with his secretary. He said something like, well I want to tell you my view of things. blah, doesn't matter anymore, it is over with him.
I called and left a message for him that I will contact him back, but right now I need some space to sort things out. So I don't know if I will meet with him or send him a letter of all the good things I got from him.
Therapy is worse than real life sometimes.
Posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 17:18:37
In reply to Re: My T had the secretary call me, instead of him » lemonaide, posted by Partlycloudy on October 2, 2008, at 8:31:09
Hi PC,
I hope I have the same experiences working with female T's as you do. My first T I paid him and he made appointments, my 2nd T has a secretary, now this one I pay directly. I can see benefits to both, actually.
She believes in gut feelings, and believes I have a strong instinct that has kept me safe for a long time. She also knows what I meant by spiritual connection with my old T.
We talked about other times males in my life when I was around 16-18 didn't follow boundaries with me. One was a guy who I gave his daughter trumpet lessons. She looked like Shirley Temple, she was so cute. I started to hang out with her and her family (her parents were divorced but lived together ) Well she became like my younger sister and we had a lot of fun for about 2 years. Well when I turned 18, and she moved out of state with her mom while her dad stayed in town, her father called me to meet with me. I didn't think anything of it, I thought maybe he wanted to plan a birthday party with her or something. Well he meet me in the park,and confessed his love for me. He was twice my age, and I wasn't interested at all, I was on way to college, etc. Well needless to say it caused any contact with my little sister awkward. Eventually I had to end the relationship with her. I still grieve that loss today. I have tried to look her up and had no luck. But that is just how someone in my life messed up something good I had. It is hard to trust people when they keep letting you down.
She said she isn't a traditional T, sooooo, I think it will be interesting. I hope this works because I am about ready to give up on therapy forever.
So when my relationship with my first T went personal, (when he should have known better)it devastated me. Well she made this connection to the loss I feel about my last 2 T's to my past where I had males take advantage of me. So I guess I have trust issues with both sexes it seems. But it was an awesome connection nobody else made with me.
Posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 17:32:18
In reply to Re: Why do I feel so angry now? » lemonaide, posted by seldomseen on October 2, 2008, at 7:02:47
Hi Seldom
Thanks for you post, I think you are probably right about all the stuff. They say under anger is really hurt, so that makes sense.
And I cuddled with my piggie today. Since I am wearing fleece today, my cat like to lay on me. I was on the bed with my piggie and a towel. Well the cat laid on me and the piggie snuggled with the cat. He was nibbling the cats nails and they were licking each other. It was so cute. But it made me happy.
Posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 17:35:14
In reply to Re: Why do I feel so angry now? » lemonaide, posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 21:41:49
Thanks Lucie, you were right on, on your incites about my T situation. It is nice to have you around. My meeting with my new T went great and I even scheduled another session. Thanks for your support once again. ;-)
Posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 17:38:08
In reply to Re: Why do I feel so angry now? » lemonaide, posted by antigua3 on October 1, 2008, at 16:03:15
Thanks Antigua,
YOu were right, my past was triggering my present. I wish when I in this triggered state, I could recongnize it before I got down that downward spiral. SOme day I hope I learn this.
Posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 17:39:18
In reply to Re: My T had the secretary call me, instead of him » lemonaide, posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2008, at 20:15:06
haha Phillipa,
I wish I had one! Maybe PC will let me borrow her's. lol
Posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 17:40:19
In reply to Re: My T had the secretary call me, instead of him, posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 17:39:18
Posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2008, at 6:32:36
In reply to Re: Why do I feel so angry now? » antigua3, posted by lemonaide on October 2, 2008, at 17:38:08
You will learn to do this if you just keep at it. I still have plenty of reactions and don't understand until later that I have been triggered. Most times I'm pretty good at recognizing it, but I still get hit pretty hard by it. Practice, practice, practice.
I'm glad you're finding a solution. You've worked so very hard to stand up for yourself in difficult situations. I don't know if I can do that as well yet, so I admire you tremendously for having the courage to separate out what is you and what is them.
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.