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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 10:03:21
In reply to Re: Why people goto have sex atall? TRIGGER » muffled, posted by Dinah on October 4, 2007, at 9:55:47
Thanks guys.
Hubby try to come close.
Then I get up, but then he say come back.
I get all rolled up in the blanket.
He not liking that.
Says I not like him no more :-(
But I do.
But he wants to get near me and it makes me sick and scared :-(
So I don't wanna.
He say why we get married?
I posed to share.
He say he gonna stray.
:-(
Mebbe he SHOULD if he needs to do it so bad.
WHAT I don't like????
I don't like that part gets hard to hurt.
I don't like that it makes man think all what about it.
I don't like it pushing at me.
I don't like too close and crushing.
I don't like its like its alive and wants to get me.
I don't like it makes me feel bad.
I not sposed to cry.
Makes me want to cry.
:-(
I dunno what to do :-(
I am sad.
M
Posted by Dinah on October 6, 2007, at 10:14:31
In reply to :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:-(, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 10:03:21
There's hope, Muffled. There really is. I never thought there was hope for me in that area, but there was. I saw a sex therapist who helped some, and my therapist helped more. And I was able to be honest with my husband in a light and nonthreatening way.
I don't know what it is that would work best for you. Was it always like this? Or did it get worse recently? Would it help to do things to see it as part of your husband, who you care about? I'll bet there are exercises to do that? Would it help to get to know it when there's no intercourse in the near future? It might not be scary then. It might even be funny and vulnerable and a bit scared itself. I'll bet there are ways to do that too.
It's not hopeless at all. But a sex therapist might help, if your therapist isn't up to the challenge.
Posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 10:51:28
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » muffled, posted by Dinah on October 6, 2007, at 10:14:31
Thanks for the input Dinah.
I feel pretty bad bout this.
Hubby been working so hard lately.>I don't know what it is that would work best for you. Was it always like this? Or did it get worse recently? Would it help to do things to see it as part of your husband, who you care about? I'll bet there are exercises to do that? Would it help to get to know it when there's no intercourse in the near future? It might not be scary then. It might even be funny and vulnerable and a bit scared itself. I'll bet there are ways to do that too.
I think maybe in retrospect its always been somwhat of a thing.
I USED to be able to dissociate, but now for some reason I can't. I dunno why?
It definately got owrse with the advent of kids.
Esp kids in bed w/us.
And sometimes there's a kid in bed and DH gets randy and even tho kid is beside me and not near him, this disturbs me.
I don't want sex anywhere near my kids.
But its getting worse, feeding upon its own fears i suppose. I need to deal w/this.
I dunno if i can though.
I dunno if t can help me.
Dunno if she can even come close to the terror.
For her sex is this wonderful thing.
It seems like we at opposite ends of the spectrum.
I feel like I gonna contaminate her wonderful view of sex with my grossness.
Its just all complicated and I just wish it would all go away.
Thanks Dinah.
M
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2007, at 11:00:30
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » Dinah, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 10:51:28
Muffled, I don't think you will tainted her view. And maybe, Just my two cents, that someone who thinks it is wonderful can help you better than someone that thinks it is crap. You know the saying misery likes company. If she is willing to help you go slowly and you can try to be willing. I know because I feel the same way as you do. My husband and I have the same issues. I think as we work through the therapy part dissociation will fail us, because as we deal with our feelings it is the part that allowed us to keep them at bay, you can't have both. But you can probably find a middle grown. I don't think the kids need to be in the same bed or area though. randy DH needs to realize they need to be in their own place and you need romance and to be wooed and to feel safe and a part of it. And that starts before you both see the bed. Or the bedroom. So it is intimacy we crave but don't know how to accept. So it has to go slowly. I can't sometimes even stand to have someone put their arms around me muchless the rest so the rest must be slow and I have to know my H wants to take the time I need. Or forget about it.....Maybe your T can help you guys work on this, a middle ground for both of you with the kids safely in their room innocents as they need to stay for as long as possible. Hang in girl.......it will get better I think...
Posted by Dinah on October 6, 2007, at 11:36:57
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » Dinah, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 10:51:28
You won't contaminate her. I'm sure she understands that not everyone finds sex pleasurable. And that many people have reason to find it scary. And even if she hasn't been a therapist long enough to figure that out, her view of sex is hers, and won't at all be contaminated by yours. Maybe you should talk about how her telling you how wonderful sex is isn't particularly helpful.
The idea of having to enjoy it was an awful one to me. I liked it much better when my therapist gave me permission not to enjoy it. The sex therapist concentrating on ways to help me enjoy it was much less helpful.
I don't blame you, re. the kids. I can't imagine my husband feeling free to be sexual in front of our son, and I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with it myself. Do they always sleep with you? How old are they?
Is it possible that as you learn to stay more grounded in other areas of your life, it becomes harder to go away during sex? That *is* a dilemma, because going away does make it easier, at least for me. :(
Does it help if you have more control? I really don't like spontaneous intimacy. I like to make dates with my husband. The more control I have the better. The more I'm able to prepare, the better. And the less I'm worried about being surprised, the better.
I love my husband, and want to be able to share this part of life with him. But he loves me, and wants me to be able to do it in a way that is not unpleasant to me.
Posted by rskontos on October 6, 2007, at 12:07:56
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » muffled, posted by Dinah on October 6, 2007, at 11:36:57
Man Dinah, you said what I was trying to say much better and much clearer. If your T is onlly saying how great it is without giving you great advice like Dinah, you need to tell her are getting D to be your sex therapist from now on because she isn't really all that good. If she can give concrete advice then yeah.....I think I need to shut up now.
But I really feel strongly about the kids. They need to be away in their own little beds having nice little dreams about toys and fun stuff. Most women would be uptight in that situation too.
I reallly like the part about loving in a way that is pleasant...nice job dinah. muffled I hope this helps and you don't feel so down.I will be back I am off to T now.
Posted by JoniS on October 6, 2007, at 16:14:22
In reply to :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:-(, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 10:03:21
Cmon Muffled. You can work on this. I have faith in you. I think you should your T like someone else said that her going on about how such she loves it is not at all helpful to you. I hope you get some good help and that you get great improvement in that area!
(((((Muffled)))))
Joni
Posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 16:18:32
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » Dinah, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 10:51:28
Thanks for replies, I only got a minute but just wanted to clarify re kids.
My DH always wants to get friendly in the morning. In the morning my daughter wakes up and she skinny so she's gets cold, so she gets warm in my bed, then usu goes to watch TV w/her bro.
But hubby is snuggling B4, and then STILL try to snuggle when kid is on other side. Kid knows nothing I expect. But he pushing on backside of me and I DON'T LIKE IT at best, and ESPECIALLY when kid there. He tells her to go watch TV, and when she gets up, I jump up too and go.
Sometimes hubby wants me to come back :-(
Sigh.
I hate this.
I feel like the biggest idiot ever. And NO I duuno why but I am NOT blanking out well. Ikid don't go away. It feels SO bad. Everything is all screwed up :-(
I just don't understand. My DH is a good and nice man.
He sure got ripped off.
M
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on October 6, 2007, at 16:24:15
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:-, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 16:18:32
The scenario you describe would bother me a lot too. you find yourself trying to protect the innocents yet feel guilty about not satisfying H's urges.
Honestly, I can't see how this is supposed to make you feel good at all.
Can you work with a T to reset H's sexy clock? I have had to do this with my H. I go to bed about 2 hours before him, and he feels deprived (hmmm I *wonder* why...)
time to enlist the help of a sexT, me thinks. your marriage deserves it. you are worth the trouble.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 16:25:51
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:-( » muffled, posted by JoniS on October 6, 2007, at 16:14:22
LOL My T don't go on and on bout 'it'!!!!
Actually we weren't even talking bout sex, we was talking tears. And she said there's diff tears, like being sad, but there's tears of laughing, there's tears of joy. THEN she said as how when she intimate w/her DH she sometimes has tears, but its NOT sad, its happy, cuz she is happy to be with DH.
I think mebbe we talked as how its a intimate thing, like a special thing btwn people, and I told her to me its not. Its just a physical get your rocks off thing.
Thats bout all we've ever said bout it all.
But I can tell, or mebbe its just me, or mebbe its her AND me, but somehow I can't talk bourt that sex stuff, in relation to myself, IRL. I can talk all day bout it as long as its not pertaining to me.
Maybe I can talk from scientist mode...
I don't honestly see how I can get past this.
I dunno, but mebbe it somehows goto do w.that kid in me that I don't like. But I DON'T GO THERE. So WTF I gonna do?
Gonna go get me a damn mickeys what I gonna do.
M
Posted by Dinah on October 6, 2007, at 17:24:02
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:-(, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 16:25:51
ICK.
I think that would fall firmly into the too much info category. I absolutely do not want to know what my therapist does when he's being intimate with his wife, no matter how joyful it feels.
Thank God he knows he's my therapist/mommy, and knows that mommies aren't supposed to talk about such things with their therapee/little girls.
Mind you, he never would do that because he's a Ken doll. So I don't need to worry about him saying anything because he just DOESN'T.
But still. ICK.
I think you need to talk to your husband a bit. Morning would not be at all ok with me no matter who was in bed with me. I can barely sit up without feeling queasy in the morning. Anyone who tried to touch me would be in danger of losing body parts.
This would fall into the category of allowing yourself to have a bit more control about the when and how of it.
Believe me, Muffled. The mechanics really do make a difference. It sounds like stupid little things that won't fix the enormity of what's going on, but it's not. Part of the enormity of what's going on has to do with feeling like you're being pressed into something you're not willing to do. Little changes can make a BIIIIG difference.
It doesn't need to be framed in negative terms with your husband. It can be framed in positive terms. "Sweetie, I like to be giving with you, but I really can't feel comfortable in the morning with a little one in bed (or waiting outside the door wanting Mom). Can we arrange to have a date on Thursday night, after the kids go to bed?"
It sounds as if a conversation with your therapist might be a good idea as well. If you've only talked about it in context of joyful crying. (Jeesh. Joyful crying? I can't imagine. Is this the same range of activities we're discussing?)
Posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 22:36:09
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » muffled, posted by Dinah on October 6, 2007, at 17:24:02
> I think that would fall firmly into the too much info category. I absolutely do not want to know what my therapist does when he's being intimate with his wife, no matter how joyful it feels.
:-0 :-) LOL!!! I think it kinda one of those situatios where you kinda had to BE there!!!!LOL. It wasn't bad at the time. It just was part of the conversation!
> Thank God he knows he's my therapist/mommy, and knows that mommies aren't supposed to talk about such things with their therapee/little girls.:-)
> Mind you, he never would do that because he's a Ken doll. So I don't need to worry about him saying anything because he just DOESN'T.
>
> But still. ICK.* :-) :-0 :-) ;-) Thanks for the smile Dinah!!!!! I needed that!
> I think you need to talk to your husband a bit. Morning would not be at all ok with me no matter who was in bed with me. I can barely sit up without feeling queasy in the morning. Anyone who tried to touch me would be in danger of losing body parts.**ROFL!!!! Ya he is SOOOOO a morning man, and it SOOOOO don't work w/kids.
> This would fall into the category of allowing yourself to have a bit more control about the when and how of it.**ya....but he tired at night, he does alot of hard physical labour, and usu I asleep when he come home.
> Believe me, Muffled. The mechanics really do make a difference. It sounds like stupid little things that won't fix the enormity of what's going on, but it's not. Part of the enormity of what's going on has to do with feeling like you're being pressed into something you're not willing to do. Little changes can make a BIIIIG difference.**I am GLAD to hear that. I think you may be right, I just goto try and remember that and not do the black and white thing, and not to just look at the whole awful pic and get overwhelmed.
> It doesn't need to be framed in negative terms with your husband. It can be framed in positive terms. "Sweetie, I like to be giving with you, but I really can't feel comfortable in the morning with a little one in bed (or waiting outside the door wanting Mom). Can we arrange to have a date on Thursday night, after the kids go to bed?"**sigh....'date' eh.....sigh, mebbe NO date....mebbe celibacy?!....
Guess not.
> It sounds as if a conversation with your therapist might be a good idea as well. If you've only talked about it in context of joyful crying. (Jeesh. Joyful crying? I can't imagine. Is this the same range of activities we're discussing?)**ROFL ITIPMP!!!!!!!! I have read this 3 times and it just slays me everytime!!!!!
Thanks for injecting humour into this dinah, it helps.
I will talk to T, see if we can figger it....
Damn.
T SUCKS.
Take good care Dinah and thanks for all the wisdom.
M
Posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 22:37:50
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on October 6, 2007, at 16:24:15
Posted by Dinah on October 6, 2007, at 22:51:24
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:-, posted by rskontos on October 6, 2007, at 12:07:56
:) Thanks.
I just have had troubles in this area all my life and only recently managed to make something out of it.
Posted by Dinah on October 6, 2007, at 22:53:27
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » Dinah, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 22:36:09
I'm glad I made you smile. :)
That's the best way to approach this stuff, I find.
Posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 10:31:05
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » muffled, posted by Dinah on October 6, 2007, at 22:53:27
SO,
I told DH in the PM that someone on the net says snuggly in AM NOT good w/kids. Took me nerve just to say that...cuz of course, then he say Ohhhh so PM OK and sidles over! HA!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was prepared, 4 xanax already down the hatch 20 mins earlier. HA!
So. Well, didn't actually DO it, but more closer.
It was still so hard. I kept YELLING at the kid inside to GO. I kept saying, its OK. I had a portable radio by my head that I clung to. I kept my back to him. I told him not to talk so much(sorry, he's a wonderful man , but Lord almighty sometimes he says THE dumbest things....).
Funnily enuf, there was a part that tried to be there and it was LAUGHING and thot this all quite a lark. I tried SO hard to encourage that part, but it just kinda came and went. There just was too much other crap going on in my head.
I think I came and went dissociativelywise too, but couldn't make it stick.
So mebbe hubby don't feel like such a reject....
It was still so hard, but if i can find out who the hell was laughing, then thats proly the key... or then again.....mebbe someone was just real stoned out on the xanax....just hope none of my ikids was around, that bugs me...
Its not so easy.
LOL.
Oh well.
Thanks for all support.
It gave me the courage to go this far, and I think its important, cuz while it sucked, I COULD accept some closerness, and proly w/time it can be more tolerable.
Thanks.
M
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2007, at 12:07:28
In reply to Latest update...., posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 10:31:05
Oh Muffled, it shouldn't have to be that way. :(
Please talk to your therapist? Maybe you can figure something out.
I've never been a big believer that if you force yourself to do something really awful, and you feel awful while you do it, that it gets better because you get used to it.
There *has* to be a way for it to be easier for you. I hope you can find it with your therapist's help.
Posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 13:49:37
In reply to Re: Latest update.... » muffled, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2007, at 12:07:28
((Dinah))
Its OK.
I feel I did WELL!
I was able to do MUCH more in a way really.
Compareds to practically leaping out of the bed, it was good.
I think I AM making progress.
Just goto figger who was laughing.
They were not scared at all.
Just goto figger that.
Thanks,
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 7, 2007, at 16:44:43
In reply to Re: Latest update...., posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 13:49:37
I have to say, I agree with Dinah on this. Well, not just this, but I particularly agree with her on this. LOL
I think you need to discuss this with your T, Muffly. I don't think it's a good idea to force yourself to do this -- especially when you don't know why it's so awful for you.
Take care of yourself, okay?
Posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 21:54:02
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:- » Dinah, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 10:51:28
Heee heee heee
I read this thread and Dinah says weenie might be ascared of ME!!!!!!!!!!
HA!
SO THERE!
I like THAT! Stupid weenie can just stay away.
Thats what I say!
HA!
Stupid scaredy weenie HA.
:-(
But mebbe I kinda still scared.
:-(
M
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on October 7, 2007, at 23:29:56
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:-, posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 21:54:02
(((((((((muffled)))))))))))
the laughing one is the one that I use. man parts are so strange and silly. rococo.
like a peacock and his feathers. honestly.
I feel like laughing too. And those men, they get all proud of their feathers and stuff too.
I'm SO proud of you that you were assertive to have a chit chat with h. Open communication is the key to satisfying intimacy. Keep talking about what feels right and what feels wrong, and I BET you guys can figure out some compromises that feel okay to you both. Talking is SO important. I'm really impressed. Hard stuff to deal with. really tough.
((((((muff))))))
-Ll
Posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 23:35:18
In reply to Re: Latest update.... » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on October 7, 2007, at 16:44:43
Posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 23:43:27
In reply to communication » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on October 7, 2007, at 23:29:56
> (((((((((muffled)))))))))))
Thanks :-)
> the laughing one is the one that I use. man parts are so strange and silly. rococo.
**Wass rococo?
Ya man parts DUMMMMMMMMM.
> like a peacock and his feathers. honestly.**ya dumb, dumb. Why they like their parts so much? How come they push them at us? Stupid mans.
> I feel like laughing too. And those men, they get all proud of their feathers and stuff too.
**ya, I just say DUMB MANS.
> I'm SO proud of you that you were assertive to have a chit chat with h. Open communication is the key to satisfying intimacy. Keep talking about what feels right and what feels wrong, and I BET you guys can figure out some compromises that feel okay to you both. Talking is SO important. I'm really impressed. Hard stuff to deal with. really tough.*Ya, mumbled maybe...
NO THING feels right. ALL makes my skin bad. That rotting flesh thing comes and I don't like it.
Many bad things.
Dunno who's laughing. Proly its not a good part cuz maybe its bad to think its funny and stuff.
ITS NOT ME. I'm not that stupid.
I'm smart and I just know that all that stuff is stupid and dumb.
Stupid Mans!!!
LOL!
M
Posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 23:52:07
In reply to Re: :-( :-( Dunno WHAT to do***SEX trigger***:-, posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 21:54:02
Its dawning on me.
I am being flip.
This is serious, and hurtful stuff to my DH.
I must maintain seriousness. And there's been good and helpful and serious replies.
And I thank each of you for this.
All info is being assimilated and thot out.
I read this thread many times and am thinking.
I will let T read this and then I don't goto say.
I said lots more than I intended to, but there were such good replies and it helped me to think.
At one point I was slightly...triggered?, thats not the word, but anyhow, I do not mean to be rude or uncaring.
And yes. I can see humour as a useful tool.
Make the contact fun.
However, my only concern is that the 'fun/playful' part might be a young part, and if so, well then that just seems wrong, and the thot of it can cause upset I would expect.
I have kids IRL.
My inside kids feel real too.
This is very challenging for me all this.
Excuse me if I seem silly at times.
I mean well.
I treasure everyones words.
Muffled
Posted by JoniS on October 8, 2007, at 7:57:49
In reply to Sorry-help SO appreciated, posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 23:52:07
Muffled,
This has been a great thread. Your last post was very tender and thoughtful. There's serious, and there's humorous, and tenderness.
I think you have gotten some wonderful feedback fromeveryone above. This is when I appreciate Babble so much!
I am proud of how you've done with this. You have explained how difficult and overwhelming this whole issue is to you, and you have stuck with it and made efforts to understand, change, and grow. Wow!
I wish I could do something to help. I often have all the wrong words, meaning well, but stuuuupid.
I think talking about sex is probably the most difficult thing for couples to do. It's also the among the top reasons for divorce. My therapist has helped me, and a couple of books. I have not "arrived" but am continuing to grow up in this area.
One thing that helped me with the pressure my H puts on me is that he visited T. T explained to him how putting pressure (even pressure H doesn't see is pressure) makes things worse. The stuff they worked on was just basic stuff (not too deep or scary) but my H backed off a lot and actually started a new thing where most of the time he asks,like before supper, "Could we go to bed early tonight and make love?" or something like that. This mde it so that I don't go through the week with thougths in the back of mind like "OK, I've held him off this long, but I'm gonna have to give in soon" then I'm just dreading his advances that will come. I feel so much better when I'm not dreading and then feeling guilty so much of the time.
Your T can help you and your H, whenever you are ready.
I am really proud of you!
Joni
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