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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on October 3, 2007, at 11:12:48
i'm not doing well.
annd im not sure what to do.i cant afford to see t again.
i don't WANT TO SEE HER!!!
i'm not feeling 'together'...or right
i'm getting hurting myself feelings...i don't know if it's depression or something/one else.I HATE THIS!!
I WANT TO JUMP OFF A F*CKING CLIFF! and i WILL TO...if i knew where one WAAASSSSSS!!!!!!!THIS SUCKS!!! I HATE ALLLL
IM GOING TO EMAIL HER AND TELL H ER I NEVER WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN
NO ONE.
Posted by muffled on October 3, 2007, at 11:48:36
In reply to its getting worse, posted by B2chica on October 3, 2007, at 11:12:48
> i don't WANT TO SEE HER!!!
>
> i'm not feeling 'together'...or right
> i'm getting hurting myself feelings...i don't know if it's depression or something/one else.
>
> I HATE THIS!!
> I WANT TO JUMP OFF A F*CKING CLIFF! and i WILL TO...if i knew where one WAAASSSSSS!!!!!!!
>
> THIS SUCKS!!! I HATE ALLLL
> IM GOING TO EMAIL HER AND TELL H ER I NEVER WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN
> NO ONE.**Y'know.
Feelings are hard.
Hard to understand.
Hard to tolerate.
I know you tough.
But ultimately, we all goto care for each other.
Sometimes we goto do stuff we don't want to, like ask for comfort, or go to T.
Lifes NOT fair.
Maybe your scared but don't want to say, cuz thats not your way.
But its OK.
Its gonna be OK.
You got this far right?
Yup, you guys TOGETHER have survived.
So its OK to be scared, it OK to feel like you want to RUN away.
But try and remember, that intensity of the feelings DOES ease.
You have felt SOOOOO bad before, but it HAS passed and you do OK again for awhile.
So if you can find things that you liike to do.
If you can get some vigorous excercise that would be good.
If you can get out the "arrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhh" thats inside in a way that minimizes hurt to the body....like punching a pillow, or just rolling around on a bed and hollering, or stomp around swearing your head off....
You will be OK.
You will be OK.
You will be OK.
This is adult parent Muffled, and I know its hard, but I know you tough too and can handle this.
Take good care,
ALL of you.
Muffled
Posted by rskontos on October 3, 2007, at 11:55:08
In reply to its getting worse, posted by B2chica on October 3, 2007, at 11:12:48
B2, I hear you I am there to I got some of the most distrubing news last night and it makes me happy my mother is dead. I have never felt that way until now.
I am happy she can't affect me ever again I am glad she is dead. I can't forgive her or my stinking grandparents for not getting me out of that shithole or my father but we can't let all these bad feelings rob us. Ok I am trying and you need to try with me. I am crying and sometimes I just sit here and don't feel a thing. I have never bonded to anything and as bad as it sounds not even to my babies. I love them but even now they can hurt me. I try to be a good mom but good as I can be maybe it won't be enough....so I know where you are believe me but please if I try will you......I can't find a T yet. My friend wants be to call my other one but I am mad at her, I haven't bonded to her either. People can be such sh*theads. But we can support each other. My sister just let that old blank y blank be but I can't I lived in it longer and I dissociate worse than she does.I am so sorry you feel so bad. I wish we all could go away to a new place where we were normal whatever that is. But we can't so we must help each other take baby steps to being whole in whatever manner we can be. Whatever shape that is to us. We must create it for ourselves because utlimately only we can. Right?!?!?!?!?! Are you ok. Please let me know...........YOu were doing so ok yesterday. Because some days I think ok might be alright too.
Posted by Poet on October 3, 2007, at 18:04:14
In reply to its getting worse, posted by B2chica on October 3, 2007, at 11:12:48
Hi B2Chica,
I agree with Muffled that you are tough and might I add seem to be in a tough place: caught between wanting to see your T and not being able to afford to and never wanting to see her again. That cliff is a rock and a harder rock which you are stuck in between. Try anything you can think of to blast your way out. Throw things, soft things so you don't break anything you'll regret later. I once threw a vacuum cleaner down a flight of stairs and it didn't fair so well. Get the anger out and if posting helps, please post as much as you need to.
Poet
Posted by antigua3 on October 3, 2007, at 19:08:55
In reply to its getting worse, posted by B2chica on October 3, 2007, at 11:12:48
You are in a crisis,with all these kids popping out and you haven't figured out how to contain them when you aren't in session.
I mean it: call her now. She will help you, and she will help you find a way to afford going.
You're angry at her, but that's to be expected.
Please take care of yourself.
antigua
Posted by RealMe on October 3, 2007, at 23:36:40
In reply to CALL YOUR T NOW!!! » B2chica, posted by antigua3 on October 3, 2007, at 19:08:55
Yes, please call your T now.
RealMe
Posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 8:43:50
In reply to Re: its getting worse » B2chica, posted by Poet on October 3, 2007, at 18:04:14
THANK you all for your kind replies.
i read a few but i was switching back and forth. and although bringing out these other 'ages' has never affected my writing before...it did yesterday. and when i read one post all i/teen wanted to do was verbally insult the poster and i was able to just unplug my Internet access.
Poet....don't mean to laugh but the vaccuum cleaner down the stairs made me chuckle...only cuz its a REALLY good idea, and we have two ...the one my DH refuses to get rid of cuz it 'kinda' works and keeps saying he'll fix someday...so i will DEFINATLEY keep this one in mind. THank you.
Posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 9:02:00
In reply to CALL YOUR T NOW!!! » B2chica, posted by antigua3 on October 3, 2007, at 19:08:55
Antigua3
you are very right...but i'm afraid i didn't get your message in time.
BUT...your words were EXACTLY what i/teen needed to hear. and i think had i read them in time they would have encouraged me to call. theni got an email back from T saying that she really wanted to talk with me and gave me her cell #.
the thing is, she was in another building in our facility and could have easily looked up my work number and all i/teen could do was laugh at her and say "try and find me b@tch"....i took my mp3 player and went for a (fast) walk outside...i knew if my boss saw me i would not be able to handle the situation and i could have been suspended. that helped a little, not much. so i found a friend here at work that knows kinda mostly what goes on with me (he know my dx of BP2) and knows my mood swings and TOTALLY understands my rage cuz he kinda has it too. ANYWAY, we both went out and smoked. this used to help...but that and talking to him did help a bit. went back to office and it started again, but i saw that T called my cell AND work phone.
so i grabbed my phone and went for another walk, when i chilled a bit, i was able to call T on her cell phone.
we talked for a while and it would subside, then build again.
then as i walked to the building and told her i was feeling better, little one came out and i started balling and i wanted to curl up but i fought SOOOO hard not too cuz i was by the parking lot for the building and people always coming and going. it's bad enough i was crying, then i'd be me, then her again....so quickly!I AM SUCH A FREAK!!!
i just didn't understand....T was worried and asked if she needed to interviene...meaning hospital...and honeslty if i weren't so Freaking Broke and didn't have to deal with DH guilting me about how we CANT AFFORD THIS! i would have gone.ANYWAY.
T knows that being with my IRL littlegirl always puts me in mamaB2 mode. so she said i needed to leave work and go get her.
Oh, and my friend that i smoked with gave me one of his clonipin (i'd taken them before so i knew i could take them) and told T but that i was worried about 1/2 life and since i'm still nursing. she looked it up and said its like 30 hours...but my xanax was like 12. so that's when she said "you need to leave work, go get little one, and take a xanax." this was around 12:30, She then said she'd call around 4:30 to check on me.the only problem but it was ok, was that my old Rx was for 2mg and since it's been such a long time i thought i'd better take less, i took 1/2...but because i have the patients of a nat 20 min later i thought i'd better take the other `1/2.
luckily little one napped for almost 2 hours! so so did i!
just by then DH came home and 2 min later little one woke up. he took her and fed her.
very lucky.
feeling ok so far today.SO i will post a bit more down below...as it's little different topic.
THank you alll so VERY much..
B2c.
Posted by rskontos on October 5, 2007, at 11:33:44
In reply to Re: CALL YOUR T NOW!!!, posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 9:02:00
B2, now that's a good T. I am so glad you have all these good people here too. It takes a community to help us here doesnt it!!! I am glad I landed here!!!!!! I am so glad that your T kept searching for you and you were able to call her back.
I know you are struggling now. But I have hope that the struggle will in the end allow all parts to live in harmony. That I think would be a beautiful solution for integration or whatever we want to call it. I think that would be a good goal.
I hope today you are feeling better. Let us know!!!!!!!
Here is to a good weekend.....for all..
Posted by B2chica on October 5, 2007, at 13:15:27
In reply to Re: CALL YOUR T NOW!!!, posted by rskontos on October 5, 2007, at 11:33:44
Man did you say it RK...it Does take a community!! OMG SO TRUE.
i just don't know what i'd do if i couldn't talk so freely here. there's no one IRL other than my T that i feel i can tell this to.
and it makes me feel safe that she did try several different ways to contact me. 1)because i really feel so uncontrolled and 2) i think it helped to let ME know that it was important that i call back. i honestly think that is what helped me to "get it together" to be able to call back.i am doing ok today. i think i'm alittle down...but heck i could just still be emotionally exhausted too?!
good weekend to you too RK.
Posted by rskontos on October 5, 2007, at 15:04:17
In reply to Re: CALL YOUR T NOW!!! » rskontos, posted by B2chica on October 5, 2007, at 13:15:27
I understand being down, so far I have been down, way down, way, way way, down and then flat, when I dissociate. So a little down is probably good given what you have been through. An emotional wringer I'd say. Right now everyone needs to take 5. I hope it is nice weather where you are and you can just sit for a while do nothing and take it easy for a minute. I am finding I am good for nothing much else right now. Take care, and I am always already. Babblemail me if you need to RK
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