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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 16:52:04
What would you think of a therapist who worked with someone who had been abused as a child and then later as a teenager too so that the girl was having sex with lots of men by the time she was age 17 and even getting paid for it. Would you think a T should say to her that when she was a teenager, she was "servicing men." Would you think that was blaming her for her abuse. I think so. In my opinion it seems like the T is saying the patient caused the abuse to happen to her (at least the abuse when she was a teenager). Why wouldn't the therapist consider what happened to her as being used by men?? I find this way of thinking by a male therapist to be rather disturbing. I wonder what others think.
RealME
Posted by Maria01 on September 29, 2007, at 17:21:28
In reply to RE: T who seems to blame the victim **Trigger**, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 16:52:04
That's precisely why I don't like male T's; some of them subscribe to the old theory that female victims of sexual abuse somehow brought it on themselves, or they "subconciously wanted it". That's exactly what a male T told a friend's sister who had been date-raped at 14, and molested by a neighbor at 7.
I also did admin. work for my aunt's group practice, and the male T's/interns in said practice were more misogynistic than the female T's/interns. One of them, a local pastor who was getting his MFCC credential, was busted for misconduct with a female client. I found the male T's/interns to be downright creepy..too sincere and "warm and fuzzy" for their own good.
In essence, the male T in question seriously needs to consider another line of work. His reasoning is descpicable. Victims of sexual abuse blame themselves enough to begin with..they don't need some hack authority figure adding to their self-hatred and guilt.
Posted by Dory on September 29, 2007, at 19:32:31
In reply to RE: T who seems to blame the victim **Trigger**, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 16:52:04
no, i don't actually. i think the wording is so open to interpretation it's hard to say... i'd need to know the exact context and hear thw tone, etc. The phrase is distasteful, but as much as it is i don't see it as putting the blame on the girl at all... i see it as the opposite..
you see... i hear the phrase "servicing" and i think of servitude.. slavery...in bondage to... i don't feel that implies "bringing it on themselves" at all. The phrase makes me think of something or someone being used as if they weren't human, like an object... and again, that doesn't make me think of blaming the victim.
that's just my opinion really... but for very personal reasons, i really believe in what i just said
Posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 21:18:07
In reply to RE: T who seems to blame the victim **Trigger**, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 16:52:04
I am feeling just miserably horrible right now. I wish I could say more, but I don't feel up to it. I think tomorrow I will just go for a nice long ride.
RealMe
Posted by Dory on September 29, 2007, at 22:07:59
In reply to RE: T who seems to blame the victim **Trigger**, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 21:18:07
Posted by frida on October 1, 2007, at 8:48:09
In reply to RE: T who seems to blame the victim **Trigger**, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 21:18:07
I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now :-(
I wanted to say that i think i'd ask for clarification, I don't understand exactly what a T could have meant or why he'd choose to say that. It would confuse me too.
My T has viewed similar situations and behaviours on my part as a consequence of it all...as the only way I knew how to be treated..as the feeling of worthlessness, shame and being nothing that I had.I don't know, though, what the comment that T said. I would ask him to explain and tell him how it has made me feel.
love to you,
Frida> I am feeling just miserably horrible right now. I wish I could say more, but I don't feel up to it. I think tomorrow I will just go for a nice long ride.
>
> RealMe
Posted by JoniS on October 1, 2007, at 14:43:07
In reply to RE: T who seems to blame the victim **Trigger**, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 16:52:04
Real Me
I hope you are feeling better today.
Take Care
Joni
Posted by pianissimo on October 1, 2007, at 21:04:49
In reply to RE: T who seems to blame the victim **Trigger** » RealMe, posted by JoniS on October 1, 2007, at 14:43:07
I'm sorry you're feeling so low RealMe. I think the idea to ask for clarification is a good idea. Only if you feel up to it though. I've used the term "servicing" before myself, as a euphemism...cause I wasn't sure I could say anything but that....cause I wasn't sure my T could stand hearing anything but that. I used it to distance myself a little while disclosing some things which were awkward and embarrassing for me. But I guess the connotations the word has depends on each person and their own experiences. I've found alot of stuff is like that. That's probably why I find communicating things scary.
Hope you find a little relief soon.Pianissimo
Posted by RealMe on October 1, 2007, at 23:33:21
In reply to RE: T who seems to blame the victim **Trigger**, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 16:52:04
Thanks for the responses here and babblemailed to me. I have gotten quite divergent response and need to think about it all. I have Therapy tomorrow a.m. at my wonderful 6:45 a.m. time, and so I need to get to bed. Until tomorrow p.m. then. I am really exhausted.
RealMe
Posted by RealMe on October 3, 2007, at 23:31:51
In reply to RE: T who seems to blame the victim **Trigger**, posted by RealMe on October 1, 2007, at 23:33:21
I talked things over with my therapist. I was so angry with him, and he said I misunderstood that he meant the opposite of what I thought. We talked about this a lot and then about some other things. He then said I seem to get angry with him a lot lately, and I said I did not realize that. So, last night I sent him an email and apologized for getting so angry with him and said I did not realize I was getting angry that much. Then, when I got home tonight, I saw he sent me an email that said just "Thank you."
Maybe I am going off the deep end, but I started crying and can't stop, and I feel like I can't breathe, like I am having a panic attack. I am afraid he is going to do the same thing as my last T and tell me to go find someone else. My last T said that to me because he said we could not get past my anger. So, I just started to stuff my anger and got more depressed and did the ECT, and then I got angry with my old T, and that was the end of it for us. So, I am wondering if my current T will be the same way and if I stuff my anger which I don't want to do, I will get more depressed.
I wrote him another email tonight and said that maybe we should end it all now as I don't want the same thing to happen as with the previous T. I don't want to stuff my anger either. I don't mean to get angry, but I said he told me in the beginning he would not get rid of me if I got angry with him and that I should tell him if I am angry with him and was that a lie??? I told him maybe he should give me some names of Therapists for me to see, and in the meantime I would check around myself. I just feel so hurt now and like I am never supposed to get angry with anyone especially a T. I never was like that. Patients got angry with me, and I never said go find someone else and I never felt I needed for them to apologize. It was where they were at. Why am I using such poor judgment in finding therapists. They seem to good, and then I am hit in the face. Maybe I am misinterpreting his comments, but therapy with him is feeling worse and worse and I am feeling more and more hurt. So, I am not sure this is a good thing at all.
Today I yelled at someone at work, a co-worker. I can't be doing that sort of thing. I just don't know what to do and can't stop crying. I am thinking maybe I should just forget T for now and focus on work and my physicalo health. I think my new PCP would be willing to prescribe my Parnate for me.
RealMe
Posted by twinleaf on October 4, 2007, at 0:05:49
In reply to RE: Feeling so horrible; maybe T not good, posted by RealMe on October 3, 2007, at 23:31:51
Oh, RealMe, this is such a tough situation to be in. Just looking on from the outside, it would seem so reasonable for you to be getting angry. Isn't it an important step on your road to health to focus ALL your feelings- whether love, fear, anger- on your therapist? It would be so much worse to feel detached and indifferent. It might hurt less, but you wouldn't get anywhere. And he DID say he would stay with you through the good times and the hard ones. Until this recent situation, it seemed as though you were developing a solid relationship with him, and were pleased to have him as your therapist. You had implied long-term plans with him-such as using the couch- and you definitely seemed to have interest and a solid commitment from him.
This will probably be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but do try to stay with him and work through it, Try to let him know he has a commitment to the work from you, also. Maybe don't talk about other therapists or leaving right now. The big question is: why are you so angry? My answer, for me, would be fear of abandonment. I don't know if that would be yours, but there is some powerful reason coming to the fore. You've got a chance to work through it with him. You could just walk in and say you are committed to your work with him, and you'd like to understand more about what's making you so angry, with the goal of feeling less angry, and more secure and attached. I know this is easy to say, and VERY hard to do!
Posted by RealMe on October 4, 2007, at 0:37:31
In reply to RE: Feeling so horrible; maybe T not good » RealMe, posted by twinleaf on October 4, 2007, at 0:05:49
I think he is just pretty fed up with me. Maybe I am wrong, but I just can't think straight now and just think I should go away and take care of things some other way. I wrote him another email, and so I am probably going to drive him away for sure. I think it is not working well. His comment about me "servicing men" when it had to do with me being abused was so upsetting, and I got so angry, and now I feel like I am not supposed to get angry. I don't think I have gotten angry with him that much, maybe a few times in four months. I can't do my job getting this upset; it won't work. So.
RealMe
Posted by twinleaf on October 4, 2007, at 7:12:17
In reply to RE: Feeling so horrible; maybe T not good » twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 4, 2007, at 0:37:31
You know the major cause of your anger- that's a lot. I have to agree that the term "servicing" to describe what happened to you as an underage teenager is an infuriating way to describe things, Could you work on that with him? It sounds like you've made up your mind- in your feelings =that he has misunderstood and insulted you so badly that you just want to run as fast as you can. You certainly could be right that he;s not the therapist for you, but, on the other hand, the two of you did make a very good start together, so there might be a way through this.
Posted by JoniS on October 4, 2007, at 7:22:16
In reply to RE: Feeling so horrible; maybe T not good » twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 4, 2007, at 0:37:31
RealMe,
I can feel the pain you have when I read your email. You have to do what you feel is best for you. But, here is my two cents. - I agree with what twinleaf said. I think you are about to have the opportunity to learn and grow through some deep stuff. I see why you are feeling the way you do, but I wonder if you are having a lot of conversations in your head that you need to have with your T. It could be that he just accepted the apology for you, that he wasn't needing it, but he knew that you needed to say it. Based on all that you have described here on Babble over the past few months, it seems like this T is much more experienced and professional than your previous T. It may be that you are in such a vulnerable, difficult place that your thoughts are taking you far out from the reality of what is going on with this T. I just think that holding on riht now and giving this more opportunity to work could be very beneficial to you. I know what you mean about not being able to work, but your emotional state wont stay where it is right now. There are good days to come! I hope you can talk to your T about everything you have here on this post.
Good Luck. I wish good days for you!
(((((((RealMe)))))))Joni
Posted by RealMe on October 4, 2007, at 7:45:28
In reply to RE: Feeling so horrible; maybe T not good » RealMe, posted by JoniS on October 4, 2007, at 7:22:16
I guess I am overreacting. He wrote me another email saying he just said "thank you" meaning thank you for sharing. I don't know what is wrong with me; I don't usually get so unraveled and misinterpret things like I have. I used to do this in the past, and I guess there are things that from the past triggering all this. I have to go to work now; I am going to be late again, and so until tonight, that you very much twinleaf and Joni.
RealMe
Posted by RealMe on October 4, 2007, at 22:35:31
In reply to RE: Feeling so horrible; maybe T not good » RealMe, posted by twinleaf on October 4, 2007, at 7:12:17
I really don't know what is wrong with me lately. I know I have been under a lot of stress at work, but I seem to be unraveling. I had written my T that perhaps I should just go away as I was afraid I was going to drive him away and that I don't think I would want to see anyone. I sort of suggested I want to just disappear, that I don't want him to get rid of me, but I can't bear to have him say to go find someone else like my last T. He wrote me back this morning and said, "I will see you tomorrow." I think he is afraid to write most anything anymore as I seem to start to read all sorts of things into his reponses. I hope tomorrow morning he doesn't say to me that I need to find someone else. I am really afraid of that, and I think if he has that in mind he certainly would not give a clue of it in an email. I feel so pathetic now, and I don't want to be like this. I have to get my sh*t together as right now I have been put in the position of doing the work of two people. A third psychologist is just worthless right now and of no help. I can see that this weekend I will be spending the whole weekend again doing nothing but reports. That's it as far as I am concerned. No more; I really can't take it right now.
RealMe
Posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 23:42:57
In reply to RE: Feeling so horrible; maybe T not good » twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 4, 2007, at 22:35:31
Oh realme, i am SO sorry its so hard :-(
Stress just messes up us humans SOOOOO bad.
When I used to keep deeply fearing my T would dump me, I called it dumpmeitis. I got dumpmeitis alot. I FINALLY pretty much figger T proly won't dump me. But it used to be, all she had to do was suggest something, and I'd take it wrong and twist it round.....and so on.
I also have huge doubts off and on bout my T.
I dunno how you get by this other than time and ALOT of reassurance from T? Thats what did it for me.
Mano man, is there ANY possible way you can do less work and have some time for yourownself?
Mebbe yourownself is trying to tell you to slow down.
Maybe you not listening to yourownself and so thats why its getting wrong?
I dunno, you know lots more than me, but mebbe something I say will give your thots a kickstart.
Take good care,
M
Posted by RealMe on October 5, 2007, at 0:09:59
In reply to RE: Feeling so horrible; maybe T not good » RealMe, posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 23:42:57
Thanks; when the other psychologist comes back from vacation, and after I do my conference presentation in mid October, then I think things could get better. I will just start saying no to people. I have to.
RealMe
Posted by JoniS on October 5, 2007, at 10:39:27
In reply to RE: Feeling so horrible; maybe T not good » twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 4, 2007, at 22:35:31
Hey RealMe
I guess by the time you read this you will know your T's position, but I predict that he is not about to dump you. I have had "dumpmeitis", as Muffled calls it, quite a bit myself. I suspect that is is very common, and your T, like all the good ones is prepared to handle it, maybe even anticipating it.
Let us know how it went.
I'm hoping good things for you and lest stress!
As far as stress goes, I'm there with ya. I have tax deadlines staring me in the face right now.
Take care!
Joni
This is the end of the thread.
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