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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2007, at 19:22:45
Check in when you get a chance, okay?
Posted by sunnydays on April 2, 2007, at 21:41:05
In reply to How ya' doing, WishingStar?, posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2007, at 19:22:45
I'm wondering too. How are you doing? How's the job going? How's therapy?
sunnydays
Posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:24:52
In reply to Re: How ya' doing, WishingStar?, posted by sunnydays on April 2, 2007, at 21:41:05
Wow, thank you both for thinking of me... that means a lot to me.
I'm very up and down recently. A lot more downs than ups... but really just all over the place. I've been considering going back to the hospital (a different one than last time) but as soon as I start really considering it, my mood swings in the other direction and I feel fine for awhile. That's where I'm at right now. I feel like I've just given up though. I'm just riding the wave now and if it crashes, so be it. When I hit the lower points, I really just dont care if I hurt myself or what I miss out on by doing so. It's a scary place to be. I really believe that in the next few weeks I'll either be back in the hospital or have made an attempt.... we'll see. I dont know where the line is between "I want to be in the hospital because it's comfortable" and "I NEED to be in the hospital".
I saw my pdoc on Friday. I'm looking for a new one though. He asked what I wanted and I made a good case (I thought) for anything but an SSRI. I walked out with an SSRI. Paxil. I have been on every single SSRI except that one, all with no effect.. so it seems like a waste of time to me. I cant get in to see him but every 6 weeks, regardless of how I'm doing... even if it's a crisis. If I cant tolerate the meds and only take them for a week, then I just wait 5 more weeks before I get something new. In fact, I was out of the hospital for 4 weeks on no meds because I couldnt get in to see him. Thats ridiculous. I cant handle that. Then at my appt he made a big show out of weighing me and the number (I;ve been restricting)... not helpful. He asked if I'd be okay until my next appt and I said probably not. He didnt say anything. I need a new doctor. I'm not going to take the paxil.
Therapy is going ok. She was gone last week.. took her kids to Disney World. I saw her this morning though. This is my last week of twice-a-weeks... next week starts once-a-week. I guess we've moved past that issue.. but it never really got resolved and the underlying issues that made me react so strongly werent really dealt with at all. It all just got swept under the carpet. I dont think she knows what to do with it either. I'm going to make a post in a bit about therapy... I have some questions I'd like to get everyones thoughts on. The safety and security in therapy that I used to rely on throughout the week while I wasnt there is gone. Even though I really like Ginny and enjoy talking to her, I feel like I could take it or leave it at this point.
I'm working.... for now. Seriously thinking about quitting my job. I saw Laurie, my old T, a week ago (saw her twice at Ginny's recommendation). She pretty much ripped apart everything I'm doing in my life and told me it's all wrong. That is very unlike her.. she's usually straightforward but sensitive about it. She told me that basically there's no way I can help these kids I'm working with in the state I'm in. One of my clients (I have 3 total) is a 14 year old cutter with issues similar to my own. She is the one I feel most competent with because I have some understanding of how shes feeling. But Laurie basically said I'm not doing her any good and it's not fair to the kids for me to even be doing this job. I only had a tiny piece of confidence in my ability to do this before I met with her... I'm truly not trained for this position, and I'm new at it, so I make a lot of mistakes.. but I was trying to hold onto the positives and little successes. But the message I got from Laurie was "you only thought you were being useful. you're really not."Any confidence I had is totally gone now. I cant get Laurie's voice out of my head. I had a session with a kid the next day and it was the worst session I've ever done. I talked to Ginny about it and she agrees I'm not in a great place to be doing this job.. which I already knew.. but was much nicer than Laurie was. Bottom line is.. I'm thinking about quitting. I just cant do it.
I guess overall I just feel like nothing matters right now. My big hesitation about going back to another hospital used to be that I'd lose my job. Now.. I dont WANT to lose it.. but I just dont care all that much. Therapy.. eh. It's nice, bur I dont care much about it either. My safety... same. Just dont care. Not sure what to do with myself anymore.
Posted by wishingstar on April 6, 2007, at 15:41:03
In reply to Re: How ya' doing, WishingStar?, posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:24:52
support..hugs..something.. please?
sorry to ask for it... i know its obnoxious. but what do i have to lose at this point? hah.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on April 6, 2007, at 17:06:58
In reply to Re: How ya' doing, WishingStar?, posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:24:52
Wow WS, I think its amazing reflection on you that you were able to get and hold that job at all. I wonder if you should quit or take leave of absence or something for health reasons? Mebbe you could work a low stress job just for some income while you figger out how to deal with your coping mechanisms etc. and /or you could do some volunteer work mebbe in your field? Less stress.
Have you found a new p-doc? I have done well with seroquel. I don't take it all the time, but it calms me when I get all wacked.
This post of yours is good, could you take it to Ginny? I think it would make for an EXCELLENT session or two.
There was also a thread relatively recently about how we need to make the best use of our therapy time. Get right down to business. I have been doing 1x/wk and it is hard. For a LONG time it was just crisis control for much of the time. My T just tried to teach me cbt stuff, but I was so dissociated I didn't learn anything. Definately 2x/wk would have accelerated things I would think. In fact really I have no doubt about that. But I could not afford 2x/wk even with the reduced rate. But I have come along, even at 1x/wk, so take heart about that.
The only ssri that worked for me for awhile was zoloft.
Sorta sounds like you musta pushed some button of Lauries with her comments about your work.....
Anyhow I dunno eaxctly what to advise you, but I will say again, that you got more chutzpah than you give yourself credit for.
Keep on posting.
Sorry I hadn't posted, I lost this thread somewhere in my random posting, but saw the new indicator.
So mebbe you could start a new thread at the bottom with the latest news.
Take care ((((((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))
I really do like you.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 6, 2007, at 19:22:08
In reply to Re: How ya' doing, WishingStar?, posted by wishingstar on April 6, 2007, at 15:41:03
You got it. I wish I had something more to offer. I've been thinking about you a lot, hoping that you are okay. I do think you're doing as good a job as you can in taking care of yourself. The apathy you are feeling is probably depression-drama fatigue. You've really been through it the last year or more, haven't you?
If I could make this go away, I would. All I can tell you is that I've been in that place -- sometimes for YEARS, but there is life on the other side of it. Over time, you will learn different coping skills and develop your own safety net. Some of the problem right now (as it was with me) is that you're so young. But I believe you are doing what you need to be doing to have the life you want. I'm inpatient for that to happen for you, as I'm sure you are, but just keep on hanging in there, okay?
(((((((((WishingStar))))))))
Posted by wishingstar on April 7, 2007, at 22:16:04
In reply to Re: How ya' doing, WishingStar? » wishingstar, posted by Iwillsurvive on April 6, 2007, at 17:06:58
Thank you both. I'm not sure I have the energy or really ability to make a great response right now.. I just needed to know that I wasnt invisible. I've been feeling invisible a lot lately.
therapygirl..
I know I'm young.. but I dont think it means anything.. aside from that I have more time to suffer with this. I've been in therapy on and off for 8 years, and my coping mechaisms are worse now than they were 5 years ago. Am I confused about what direction "better" is? Apparently so. Either that or I'm just a bit slow hehe. Maybe both. thank you for your support..iwillsurvive...
you are very sweet to say all those things. thank you. I cant take a leave of absence or take time off at work.. its either work regular, or quit. No one can cover for me because my clients are mine alone. They have the relationship with me and i know their stories.. no one else does. It makes it hard. Im so frustrated because both of my therapists (laurie, ginny) are telling me i shouldnt be doing this job. But ginny was the one who pushed and pushed until I applied for it! I just cant win. Did she not expect me to get it? I'm no worse emtoionally then I was when I applied, so that hasnt changed. Even if I quit, I'd need to follow my current cases until theyre closed, which is another 4 months on each. Plus I think I'd feel totally worthless if I couldnt keep my job and just hate myself more than I already do. I cant lose my job.I see a new pdoc on Monday. actually, shes a nurse of some sort but she works at the mental health clinic and does perscribing. Ginny said she likes her so hopefully itll go well. I'll let you know. I've taken seroquel but i really hate it. It makes me so sedated and confused and blah. My depression generally doesnt get me agitated or anxious at all.. so those drugs that work in the moment have never seemed to help me much.
I havent heard back from Laurie. I said in the email that it was okay if she didnt respond and i believed at the time that id be okay with that.. but it turns out I'm not. Its really bothering me. Oh well. It's easy to forget sometimes that she really is just my therapist because we have such a unique relationship. but bottom line is, shes a therapist.
The once a week therapy starts this week. I'm going to try to make the best use of it I can. Until ginny, all id ever done was once a week for years and years.. so i know how it feels.. and i guess thats part of why i dont have a lot of hope for it. been there, done that, 50404 times over. I need something different. who knows what. a smack upside the head perhaps?
i sat around and did research for 2 hours last night trying to understand what itd feel like to have your stomach pumped. trying to decide if its worth the risk. of course i know the logical answer is no, but..eh. im safe in the moment so no one panic if they read that. just a general thought.
thank you for your support both of you.
This is the end of the thread.
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