Posted by wishingstar on April 3, 2007, at 12:24:52
In reply to Re: How ya' doing, WishingStar?, posted by sunnydays on April 2, 2007, at 21:41:05
Wow, thank you both for thinking of me... that means a lot to me.
I'm very up and down recently. A lot more downs than ups... but really just all over the place. I've been considering going back to the hospital (a different one than last time) but as soon as I start really considering it, my mood swings in the other direction and I feel fine for awhile. That's where I'm at right now. I feel like I've just given up though. I'm just riding the wave now and if it crashes, so be it. When I hit the lower points, I really just dont care if I hurt myself or what I miss out on by doing so. It's a scary place to be. I really believe that in the next few weeks I'll either be back in the hospital or have made an attempt.... we'll see. I dont know where the line is between "I want to be in the hospital because it's comfortable" and "I NEED to be in the hospital".
I saw my pdoc on Friday. I'm looking for a new one though. He asked what I wanted and I made a good case (I thought) for anything but an SSRI. I walked out with an SSRI. Paxil. I have been on every single SSRI except that one, all with no effect.. so it seems like a waste of time to me. I cant get in to see him but every 6 weeks, regardless of how I'm doing... even if it's a crisis. If I cant tolerate the meds and only take them for a week, then I just wait 5 more weeks before I get something new. In fact, I was out of the hospital for 4 weeks on no meds because I couldnt get in to see him. Thats ridiculous. I cant handle that. Then at my appt he made a big show out of weighing me and the number (I;ve been restricting)... not helpful. He asked if I'd be okay until my next appt and I said probably not. He didnt say anything. I need a new doctor. I'm not going to take the paxil.
Therapy is going ok. She was gone last week.. took her kids to Disney World. I saw her this morning though. This is my last week of twice-a-weeks... next week starts once-a-week. I guess we've moved past that issue.. but it never really got resolved and the underlying issues that made me react so strongly werent really dealt with at all. It all just got swept under the carpet. I dont think she knows what to do with it either. I'm going to make a post in a bit about therapy... I have some questions I'd like to get everyones thoughts on. The safety and security in therapy that I used to rely on throughout the week while I wasnt there is gone. Even though I really like Ginny and enjoy talking to her, I feel like I could take it or leave it at this point.
I'm working.... for now. Seriously thinking about quitting my job. I saw Laurie, my old T, a week ago (saw her twice at Ginny's recommendation). She pretty much ripped apart everything I'm doing in my life and told me it's all wrong. That is very unlike her.. she's usually straightforward but sensitive about it. She told me that basically there's no way I can help these kids I'm working with in the state I'm in. One of my clients (I have 3 total) is a 14 year old cutter with issues similar to my own. She is the one I feel most competent with because I have some understanding of how shes feeling. But Laurie basically said I'm not doing her any good and it's not fair to the kids for me to even be doing this job. I only had a tiny piece of confidence in my ability to do this before I met with her... I'm truly not trained for this position, and I'm new at it, so I make a lot of mistakes.. but I was trying to hold onto the positives and little successes. But the message I got from Laurie was "you only thought you were being useful. you're really not."Any confidence I had is totally gone now. I cant get Laurie's voice out of my head. I had a session with a kid the next day and it was the worst session I've ever done. I talked to Ginny about it and she agrees I'm not in a great place to be doing this job.. which I already knew.. but was much nicer than Laurie was. Bottom line is.. I'm thinking about quitting. I just cant do it.
I guess overall I just feel like nothing matters right now. My big hesitation about going back to another hospital used to be that I'd lose my job. Now.. I dont WANT to lose it.. but I just dont care all that much. Therapy.. eh. It's nice, bur I dont care much about it either. My safety... same. Just dont care. Not sure what to do with myself anymore.
poster:wishingstar
thread:746092
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/746530.html