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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
There are times when I no longer want to fight this fight of putting my pieces back together. Things are changing too rapidly and my youngest part can't handle it. I'm splitting all over the place and I thought I was more "super-glued" than this. I don't feel safe, I'm out of my body a lot and even therapy was strangely surreal today. I felt like the furniture was all slightly moved and just "off" -- and I told my therapist he felt so far away. He talked about me being kind to myself, both last week and today. But what does that mean?
Another part of me is really, really angry and triggers off so easily. I'm terrified that I'm turning into all the things I never wanted to be. I know I've written this before, I feel like I've been here before. But I don't know how to work in therapy when I feel like this. I don't actually know how to work at all right now. People are beginning to worry and talk about how "absent" I've been. Part of me doesn't care.
I'm researching brain development for a new program and using lots of Daniel's Stern's work. But for some reason it hurts me to read it. I wish the work was faster and less painful. Or maybe I'm just in a painful place where reading about the "experiential state of intensely painful aloneness" and abandonment are just too overwhelming. It makes me wonder what my therapist is really thinking when I leave each session. I can almost hear him thinking, "wow, that woman is really screwed up!"
I ache. And I want to sit in my closet with my stuffed elephant, my therapist's talisman and my pillow. And never, never come out.
Sorry, I guess this is me, throwing a pity party. I just feel so gosh-darn alone right now. :(
Posted by LadyBug on May 23, 2006, at 1:25:22
In reply to Younger parts and pieces - trigger, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
You're not alone Daisym. I'm here, though I'm not what you need I'm sure. I wish you could move through the changes in your life painlessly. (Is that even a word??)
Hang on to your rope, tie a knot in the end of it and let that knot be your Therapist.That has worked for me the past week or so as I struggle through my pain. Why does it have to be so dang hard? I'm sorry you're hurting. Is there anything I can do? I wish I were there with you in your closet. Do you see your T tomorrow?
You will be in my thoughts and in my heart. I hope you can move through this time in your life. You are strong and pretty amazing. I know you can do it.
LadyBug
Posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 1:53:36
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Daisym, posted by LadyBug on May 23, 2006, at 1:25:22
It is nice to not be alone. But the truth is I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to give up. Only I'm too (insert word here)stupid or stubborn to just give up.
My new closet is really big and has carpet on the floor, so you can come and sit with me. It has lots of compartments for my shoes, so we don't even have to move those. I think you have to bring your own blanket though. I'm a little short on those.
Thanks for responding.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by LadyBug on May 23, 2006, at 7:50:22
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » LadyBug, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 1:53:36
I will bring my own blanket, I have my favorite lavender one that I have on my bed with me all the time. My T has even held it on her lap.
I'm so tired today I could die. And I have to go to work? Can you believe that? I got no sleep last night, my daughter keep text messaging (sp?) me. She's on her way home from Washington DC. My step-son graduated from medical school. Now he has 6 years of residency to do?!?! She was set on going so she went in my place more or less.
If you're still in your closet, can I come and hang out and fall asleep?
Hang in there.
LadyBug
Posted by antigua on May 23, 2006, at 8:17:46
In reply to Younger parts and pieces - trigger, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
Well, I dug out my teddy bear last night because I decided I needed the comfort. Good thing my husband was away!
Intellectually you know you are doing all the right things. Taking care of yourself is so important, but you already know that. It's a beautiful day here and I'm going to go out and wash off the deck so I can sit outside and enjoy the birds and sunshine. (I'd much rather hide in bed....)
I've been absent because we have been dealing w/college decisions for my older son. It has been extremely difficult, but I think we have it behind us now. As you may expect, it has brought up a lot of abandonment issues in therapy. My T is away so I've decided to put all that "stuff" away until she gets back.
I thought I had made my way to such a good place, but I'm getting sucked back in. I realized (through dreams and other feelings) that I have to go back and revisit more of my csa if I'm really to deal with it adequately and live a happier life. It just keeps intruding and I have to deal with it. Yuck.
About mothers--you know I told my mother, and I know you can't imagine telling yours. Nobody can tell you that you have to; you have to find your own way to deal with it. But if the secret comes out, how bad would it be for you? Your mother might turn on you (that was my greatest fear) and you have to be strong enough to take it, which you may not be right now. On the other hand, it might free you up. I don't know the answer for you. I just know for me that there came a time when she needed to know. But our situations are different because I made the decision not to blame her verbally--I couldn't because of my fear. I understand more what her life was like and she was pretty oblivious. That doesn't mean she is forgiven, or whatever, it's just that I understand better. It's not my job to forgive her.
I don't live up to my mother's expectations either. She always wants more from me, but in my case, my mother is not the outward success yours is, so you had a lot more to measure up to.
I think your idea of getting to know her better is a good one. It may help you understand.
Your pieces will come back together, Daisy, I promise you. Your T cares deeply about you and doesn't think badly of you EVER.
all my best,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on May 23, 2006, at 9:06:53
In reply to Younger parts and pieces - trigger, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
(((((((daisy)))))))))
you are NOT alone. i know its not IRL but i'm here. you have always been so wonderful to me.
when you go to your therapy sessions and they feel 'unreal'. sometimes what helped me (my T suggested it) was to bring a 'focus' item. i had this little plastic toy animal and even if the whole room seemed unreal i would focus on that little animal and it's like it somehow grounded me.
it helped me to hang on.i wouldn't worry about what others are saying. i know it's easier to say than do. but you REALLy need to focus on you right now. that alone will take much energy.
i'm sorry the pain of aloneness and abandonment are overwhelming for you right now. but it sounds like this work will help you in the end.
i DOUBT you T is saying things like how screwed up you are. besides, we're all a little screwed up inside, even your T.and you know what? you can sit in your closet with ele ALL you want! infact if you want, i'll come with you with my tiger, i can either sit next to you, or i can sit in front of the closet guarding the door.
no pity-party. you feel what you feel. we all have to get used to expressing it. and knowing it's ok to feel and express it. no matter WHAT the feelings are.
let it out daisy.
cares
b2c.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 23, 2006, at 9:07:48
In reply to Younger parts and pieces - trigger, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
> There are times when I no longer want to fight this fight of putting my pieces back together. Things are changing too rapidly and my youngest part can't handle it. I'm splitting all over the place and I thought I was more "super-glued" than this. I don't feel safe, I'm out of my body a lot and even therapy was strangely surreal today. I felt like the furniture was all slightly moved and just "off" -- and I told my therapist he felt so far away.
May I speak to you from my own disordered ego self?
May I suggest to you that you are on the edge of making it all okay?
All your pieces are starting to blur at the edges. The surreal experience is having two or more bits active at the same instant. Each has a distinct memory domain and a distinct mini-personality. When the blur feeling happens, you feel like you're not grounded properly. But that's because neither fragment is familiar with the other's domain. To each fragment, the other's experiences and memories are lost time. When you're in that blur, don't fight it. Embrace it. Group hug. Group hug your bits. Give comfort to each other. That's what each needs, but fears so much.
The blur is what fixed me, Daisy. It was the most horrific and scary thing I think I could imagine. I actually conceived it as what hell must really be. It was so horrid. Words fail to convey it. And you feel a smidgen of that horror, and are repelled by it. Very normal to recoil from that place.
Group hug. That's what my inner child fragment offers you. Love you, really hard, and hold on for your life. It will pass. For me, it felt like zippers closing. And when the process ended, it was simply over. Done is done. Zipped up is good.
I remember my sister coaching my ex-wife, at her first birth. I was in tears witnessing it, and I knew there was a lot more yet to come. My sister, in a moment of clarity, told her to "push towards where it hurts". The lightbulb went on, and 20 minutes later, Alex was born. So fast, the nurses went into total panic, as they thought it would be hours and hours yet. He crowned in less than five minutes, after that advice was given.
I'm thinking that maybe my experience might enlighten you, enough to let happen what needs to happen.
Blessings on you, Daisy.
Lar
Posted by LadyBug on May 23, 2006, at 14:32:23
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Daisym, posted by Larry Hoover on May 23, 2006, at 9:07:48
I will keep that in mind myself Lar. "Push where it hurts." That's awesome and makes a lot of sense to me.
Thanks
LadyBug
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 23, 2006, at 15:01:37
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Larry Hoover, posted by LadyBug on May 23, 2006, at 14:32:23
> I will keep that in mind myself Lar. "Push where it hurts." That's awesome and makes a lot of sense to me.
> Thanks
> LadyBugIt struck me that it's like going swimming in cold water. You can just jump in, and get it over with. Or, you can inch in. Both work, but one is one heck of a lot more efficient than the other. I think Daisy is presently doing the same thing, by the inch method. I didn't have a choice, really, and I got wet real fast.
Thanks for the words of validation.
Lar
Posted by annierose on May 23, 2006, at 15:54:02
In reply to Younger parts and pieces - trigger, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
Hi Daisy -
Can you put into words the parts your younger self can't handle? She sounds scared and lonely. Maybe she's not sure what all these changes mean to her on deeper level, what does it mean about her past? Maybe by holding your elephant you can reassure little Daisy that you will always need her and want her around. She needs to feel loved, and know that you care all about her.
I hate those sessions when the chemistry is just "off". Usually, for me, it says more about my state of mind than hers. When he talks about being kind to yourself, I think he is trying to remind you that it's okay to be kind to yourself. You don't have to be perfect. It's okay to have an off day, it's even okay to have an off week or month.
Keep sharing how all of this feels with your T. I know he feels far away but he is there, holding your hand and your heart, carrying you every step of the way. He knows you are not crazy. You are not crazy. You have been hurt. You are hurting. He wants to help you. It just takes a long time for all these stories to get told. But he has the time for you. He wants to listen and hold your burden. Let him.
Have your pity party in the closet. It was always my favorite place too. But just stay there for an hour. It's okay to cry. Your younger self has been holding onto those tears for too long now. She may need to let them go.
I am here for you. How can I help? What can I do?
Love, Annierose
Posted by happyflower on May 23, 2006, at 17:06:54
In reply to Younger parts and pieces - trigger, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
Hi Daisy,
I think I can relate you what you are feeling, because I HAVE given up temporary on myself. I am also soooo sick of trying and trying and some days it seems I will never be healed. I am oversensitive and that isn't helping my relationships right now. But I am also speaking from under the blanket or at the bottom of my hole.
Someday some sun will shine on me and I will crawl out and try again. I think it seems like a lot of babblers are visiting me in the hole lately. (((((((Daisy)))))) Don't give up, Daisy, but I think it is okay to take a break from ourselves.
Posted by happyflower on May 23, 2006, at 17:11:34
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger, posted by happyflower on May 23, 2006, at 17:06:54
You know I wonder if I have younger parts too. Because the adult happyflower is doing well, going to school, playing the trumpet, homeschooling my kids, taking care of the house, even being a good wife to my husband.
But what I need is some support, love, and some understanding that I have been missing all during my childhood, I had it for about 10 years of my marriage, but now I am missing it all again. My T has added to the feeling of being uncared for, unloved,abandonded and not accepted too. Hmmmmm.
Posted by fallsfall on May 23, 2006, at 19:28:40
In reply to Younger parts and pieces - trigger, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 0:05:58
I swear, I've written two responses to this thread. But then "bad things" happen, and I lose the responses.
(((Daisy)))
You are not alone. I am with you.
Posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 23:25:53
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Daisym, posted by antigua on May 23, 2006, at 8:17:46
I'm so jealous that you have been able to talk openly with your mother about the csa. I don't know all the reasons why, but I think the primary one is that you no longer have to hide such a big part of yourself. Hiding this is exhausting. I think I already know that the csa HAS to be dealt with and that is partly what group is about. I'm having a tough time with the angry stuff, you are better at that than I am.
I was barely started in therapy when my oldest graduated high school, and it did indeed activate so much abandonment stuff, so much loss and so much envy about his choices. Prepare yourself for some more of the same when he actually leaves, that was hard too. Your therapist is good, she'll help you through it. We will too.
I think I'd like to sit on your deck as much as I would like sitting in my closet. Maybe we could all meet there? I'll bring cookies.
Posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 23:40:11
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Daisym, posted by B2chica on May 23, 2006, at 9:06:53
Thanks for the support B2. I know you know, and I know you've felt all of this.
It is really hard for me to not feel inadequate right now. I think all the younger parts of me are tired of being over-achievers but as a package we are sort of committed to taking care of lots of things and people. I'm letting too many people down just now. And I hate myself for it.
I'm touched that you've offered to guard the door, but I think we should all huddle together for awhile. Or go over the Antigua's deck. Safety in numbers and all that, right?
You are a good friend. Thanks
Posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 23:46:42
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Daisym, posted by Larry Hoover on May 23, 2006, at 9:07:48
Lar,
I hope you are right about what is happening. It is true that it is scary and painful but it feels neverending. I'm teetering on that edge of wishing and wanting it all to just stop, however and whatever that means.
I smiled when I read your analogy of childbirth. My therapist has been referring to himself lately as my "midwife" helping to birth a new me. He seems really pleased with himself around this title. I think it is cute.
In your experience, once the blurring begins, how to you weather the storm without it taking you out?
Posted by Daisym on May 24, 2006, at 0:14:04
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Daisym, posted by annierose on May 23, 2006, at 15:54:02
****Can you put into words the parts your younger self can't handle? She sounds scared and lonely. Maybe she's not sure what all these changes mean to her on deeper level, what does it mean about her past? Maybe by holding your elephant you can reassure little Daisy that you will always need her and want her around. She needs to feel loved, and know that you care all about her.****
My younger part can't handle that there is no more room or time for her. I carved out a space for her before but right now I need to be so in charge and so together. Except at night, so I hold my elephant and turn on the night-light. And feel lost, alone and small. I hate myself that I feel that way.
****I hate those sessions when the chemistry is just "off". Usually, for me, it says more about my state of mind than hers. When he talks about being kind to yourself, I think he is trying to remind you that it's okay to be kind to yourself. You don't have to be perfect. It's okay to have an off day, it's even okay to have an off week or month.****
I think I'm wishing things were back towards the beginning of therapy when he was a "kinder, gentler" therapist. He pushes now, like he is really sure that I can handle it. the idea of being kind to myself makes me think about having to take care of myself, all by myself, again. I know this is the ultimate goal of therapy but I feel like gripping the door frame with my finger nails and refusing to go without reassurance. Perhaps this is the true pathology showing its face -- do I want him to take care of me? Do I not want to feel better?****Keep sharing how all of this feels with your T. I know he feels far away but he is there, holding your hand and your heart, carrying you every step of the way. He knows you are not crazy. You are not crazy. You have been hurt. You are hurting. He wants to help you. It just takes a long time for all these stories to get told. But he has the time for you. He wants to listen and hold your burden. Let him.****
I'm beginning to wonder about myself and what I really need or want from my therapist. I think it will never be enough, there is no way to fill this void, this hole inside myself. I want to hang on to him for dear life. And I want to hold my head high and pretend I don't need him at all.***Have your pity party in the closet. It was always my favorite place too. But just stay there for an hour. It's okay to cry. Your younger self has been holding onto those tears for too long now. She may need to let them go.****
This is really part of the problem right now. I can't cry. The tears come, my eyes fill and then they go away and I dissociate completely. I'm more "away" than present these days. I think if I could unstick the tears I'd feel better.***I am here for you. How can I help? What can I do?***
Thank you for the offer. I wish I knew what to ask for. I'm trying to not isolate completely but there is a strong pull to push people away and cut ties. I think maybe the clock and calendar issues that Lar wrote about in a different post applies to me too. Only I can't. Maybe you can just whisper a little prayer for me as you go to sleep. I keep asking God what the lesson is here, but he hasn't answered yet.
Posted by Daisym on May 24, 2006, at 0:17:53
In reply to Am I split apart?, posted by happyflower on May 23, 2006, at 17:11:34
HF,
I don't know if you are split. I think ego-state disorders are common to those of us with challenging childhoods, and yours certainly was. It does feel strange, like one part is doing OK, and one isn't. Not all, or even most, therapists work with this.
I hope you don't give up on yourself. Even if you don't figure out things with your therapist, you will be OK. Look how far you've come already.
Posted by Daisym on May 24, 2006, at 0:20:52
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Daisym, posted by fallsfall on May 23, 2006, at 19:28:40
I hate when I lose posts.
I'm glad you are back. I'm glad you are willing to just sit with me. It helps.
I guess we are going to need a bigger closet for all of us..but that's OK. It will be worth squishig.
hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by Daisym on May 24, 2006, at 0:22:18
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Daisym, posted by LadyBug on May 23, 2006, at 7:50:22
I'm still in the closet tonight, but please, bring the lavendar blanket and a pillow. We can wait for everyone else...
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 24, 2006, at 6:48:25
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Larry Hoover, posted by Daisym on May 23, 2006, at 23:46:42
> In your experience, once the blurring begins, how to you weather the storm without it taking you out?
Well, part of my horror was simply not having any idea what was going on. It wasn't only what was happening, it was my reaction to it, that made it hellish. If I knew it was me getting un-Humptied, before it happened.....if I had somehow known that, it would have been easier. I don't know how much easier, but easier.
Women get through childbirth. The reward is worth every bit of the pain. Knowing that, ahead of time, makes it manageable.
As for being taken out, I didn't get taken out. I awoke from a sound sleep, and it was already over.
I have not seen any literature on it. I have no idea if my experience is generalizable to others. Maybe each person's reassembly is different. I'm sure there are degrees and levels of repair required that make us unique in that regard, too. But I can say, it didn't take long.
Once the process began, I had eight or ten hours of consciousness that something was really amiss, two or three of which were hell. Then, I went to sleep (simply from exhaustion?), and awoke restored.
Lar
Posted by annierose on May 24, 2006, at 8:40:50
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » annierose, posted by Daisym on May 24, 2006, at 0:14:04
>>>I need to be so in charge and so together. Except at night, so I hold my elephant and turn on the night-light. And feel lost, alone and small. I hate myself that I feel that way. <<<
Here it is. Here's the conflict. You need to accept the little girl inside that is so scared, so confused and all alone. She doesn't understand what is happening to her, why it is happening and why no one is helping. Now in saying that, I am not suggesting that it is easy to accept all of ourselves. That's why most of us land in therapy. To look inside of us, see what's there and change what we can, accept what is ugly and love us no matter what. But I happen to think, you have a super duper loving therapist.
Maybe he isn't pushing as much as pulling you. He does see the light at the end of the tunnel. He is pulling you towards it, he knows you can do it. You may feel alone, but I know he is there.
I too know that feeeling of the tears not flowing. That conversation with my T lead her to tell me about meditation. It was her belief that would help the tears come. It hasn't for me. But I still love the practice of meditation, and the yoga classes I started since walking down this path. So maybe they will come in time for both of us. I wrote to you sometime back about the funeral I went to for my brother's best friend who died at 42. That was my first glimpse of the raw grief I have inside myself. I only knew my brother's friend to say "hello" to passing him on the street. My tears at the funeral were coming from such a different place. Exhausting.
If it's any consolation, and I'm not sure that it is, my T reassures me that once we work through these issues, once we work through this process, their love and guidance will be enough. "Annie, I know you can't imagine it now, but our ending will not be scary. We will have talked and talked and talked about it, you will want to take all our work with you and keep it near, but you will no longer want to be here in this office. I will be here if you need me, but it won't be as scary as you think. We will decide this together." So I have to believe her. And I know for both of us, we still have some work to do.
Continue fighting the fight. I am keeping you in my prayers.
Love, Annie
This is the end of the thread.
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