Posted by Daisym on May 24, 2006, at 0:14:04
In reply to Re: Younger parts and pieces - trigger » Daisym, posted by annierose on May 23, 2006, at 15:54:02
****Can you put into words the parts your younger self can't handle? She sounds scared and lonely. Maybe she's not sure what all these changes mean to her on deeper level, what does it mean about her past? Maybe by holding your elephant you can reassure little Daisy that you will always need her and want her around. She needs to feel loved, and know that you care all about her.****
My younger part can't handle that there is no more room or time for her. I carved out a space for her before but right now I need to be so in charge and so together. Except at night, so I hold my elephant and turn on the night-light. And feel lost, alone and small. I hate myself that I feel that way.
****I hate those sessions when the chemistry is just "off". Usually, for me, it says more about my state of mind than hers. When he talks about being kind to yourself, I think he is trying to remind you that it's okay to be kind to yourself. You don't have to be perfect. It's okay to have an off day, it's even okay to have an off week or month.****
I think I'm wishing things were back towards the beginning of therapy when he was a "kinder, gentler" therapist. He pushes now, like he is really sure that I can handle it. the idea of being kind to myself makes me think about having to take care of myself, all by myself, again. I know this is the ultimate goal of therapy but I feel like gripping the door frame with my finger nails and refusing to go without reassurance. Perhaps this is the true pathology showing its face -- do I want him to take care of me? Do I not want to feel better?****Keep sharing how all of this feels with your T. I know he feels far away but he is there, holding your hand and your heart, carrying you every step of the way. He knows you are not crazy. You are not crazy. You have been hurt. You are hurting. He wants to help you. It just takes a long time for all these stories to get told. But he has the time for you. He wants to listen and hold your burden. Let him.****
I'm beginning to wonder about myself and what I really need or want from my therapist. I think it will never be enough, there is no way to fill this void, this hole inside myself. I want to hang on to him for dear life. And I want to hold my head high and pretend I don't need him at all.***Have your pity party in the closet. It was always my favorite place too. But just stay there for an hour. It's okay to cry. Your younger self has been holding onto those tears for too long now. She may need to let them go.****
This is really part of the problem right now. I can't cry. The tears come, my eyes fill and then they go away and I dissociate completely. I'm more "away" than present these days. I think if I could unstick the tears I'd feel better.***I am here for you. How can I help? What can I do?***
Thank you for the offer. I wish I knew what to ask for. I'm trying to not isolate completely but there is a strong pull to push people away and cut ties. I think maybe the clock and calendar issues that Lar wrote about in a different post applies to me too. Only I can't. Maybe you can just whisper a little prayer for me as you go to sleep. I keep asking God what the lesson is here, but he hasn't answered yet.
poster:Daisym
thread:647175
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/647638.html