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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by orchid on November 18, 2005, at 21:08:37
Is it just because we share so much with them?
Or is that because we don't know anything about them and tend to think the highest of them?
If sharing is the reason, we share so much more with our husbands and significant others and friends right? But we don't tend to develop this kind of obsessive feelings.
Maybe is it just because of the fact that we really don't know anything about our Ts that makes us get such intense feelings?
Also any tips on how to redirect these feelings towards husband? Is that even healthy to develop such obsessive and intense feelings in real life relationship?
Posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2005, at 22:07:04
In reply to Why do we develop so much of feelings towards T?, posted by orchid on November 18, 2005, at 21:08:37
I guess we spend quite a bit of time with them. Though we spend more with other people in our lives, typically. But I guess it has to do with 'quality time' in the sense that you are the focus of their attention the time you are with them.
> Is it just because we share so much with them?
Maybe its about the kind of stuff that we share. Intimate stuff. The stuff we can't talk about with other people in our lives. The stuff we are afraid to share etc.
> Or is that because we don't know anything about them and tend to think the highest of them?You are supposed to be the focus of their attention when they are with you. Real world relationships aren't like that. They have reciprocity. You have to give as well as take the centre of attention. Also... They are supposed to be completely focused on your welfare and what is good / useful to you. In the real world things aren't like that because other people have their own desires and preferences too. Reciprocity again.
Also... Because they don't really share much about themselves. The less you share... The more you attempt to be 'neutral' and trying to get the client to think on things... The more the client is going to project all kinds of things onto the therapist. I mean if you are the centre of attention then you might come to think that the therapist is similarly wonderful with all people that they encounter in their daily lives. But of course... Nobody can play the therapist role all the time. That would require someone with super-human powers ;-)
> Also any tips on how to redirect these feelings towards husband? Is that even healthy to develop such obsessive and intense feelings in real life relationship?
'obsessive' feelings probably aren't so healthy.
i wonder about how much therapy relationships only set us up for disappointment when it comes to real world relationships...
if you work through the transference / projections then yeah, i guess that means relinquishing the ideal... but do people do this? how many? i'm not sure, i'm not sure...
Posted by Susan47 on November 19, 2005, at 10:03:12
In reply to Why do we develop so much of feelings towards T?, posted by orchid on November 18, 2005, at 21:08:37
I think we develop obsessive feelings for therapists because they aren't doing their jobs properly.
My own belief is coming to be that when they do what they're paid to do, we don't develop those sorts of feelings for them, period.
When these unhealthy feelings develop, (I say that because of my belief that any obsession, if it's emotional and binding, is unhealthy.. and I had one of those and I think you had one too, Orchid) maybe it's a phase of therapy, but there's no way it should last, and stuck as you are with those feelings, or stuck as I am with them, maybe it means our therapists ventured into territory they couldn't adequately help us explore to a successful conclusion.
I wish there were a magic bullet that could end your frustration, and mine too, and right now I'm glad I'm half a world away because it's the only thing that's allowed me to forget for awhile. But you did move a half world away from yours and are you still feeling caught up? I'm afraid to come home again, in many ways, because I'm afraid of the feelings of loss, sadness, and yearning, but also I felt so ridiculously alive; but the overwhelming feeling is one of rejection and I just don't want to live like that anymore. I wanted him to spend more time with me, but I could never pay him to do that. I'm not part of his real life but I wanted to be, and I just couldn't deal with that anymore. It was a very sick situation for me.
The only other thing I can think of that would make any sense to me at all, is that the therapist showed you love, or gave you a message somehow, that he loved you, and you responded to that. Maybe it has to do with unresolved childhood issues, or some bonding issues from infancy ... That's the only thing that makes any sense to me at all. I remember the intense feelings of love that I had towards my T, I remember feeling truly alive for the first time, and worthy of something, and Orchid I would love to have had a real person in my life to share those feelings with, to have those feelings about, but it's never happened before and I don't think it'll ever happen again because it just felt too special and too good to be real. It made me feel crazy. Losing my therapist, although he never adequately gave me any therapy, was and still is a tragedy for me.. yet I'm not certain my life would have been complete without the wonderful feelings that were evoked. For the first time in my life I actually felt I was loved.. which is impossible, how can a stranger love you, it didn't make any sense.
I think therapy with the wrong person might actually be more harmful than none at all ...
(((Orchid)))
Posted by orchid on November 19, 2005, at 10:28:23
In reply to Re: Why do we develop so much of feelings towards T? » orchid, posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2005, at 22:07:04
What you have said is true.
Perhaps projection also plays a huge role. I sometimes think if my husband had been my T I would have the same level of intense feelings towards him also.
Posted by orchid on November 19, 2005, at 10:33:19
In reply to Re: Why do we develop so much of feelings towards T?, posted by Susan47 on November 19, 2005, at 10:03:12
Actually I was asking the question more out of theoritical interest than personal interest. I have moved past my obsession a while back, and though the feelings sometimes come once in a while, mostly they don't trouble me.
I think therapists can only half help the feelings. Just bcos we are stuck with the feelings doesn't mean they are not good therapists. But perhaps both your T and my T could have done a better job in guiding us out of the feelings or terminating more gracefully.
I don't think my therapist ever showed me he loved me. If anything, he showed some understanding - but definitely no love. In fact, he went out of the way to make it clear to me that he is very indifferent to me. He would hardly respond to my emails. And that also perhaps he would write a short email once in 2 - 3 months.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2005, at 14:41:49
In reply to Re: Why do we develop so much of feelings towards T? » alexandra_k, posted by orchid on November 19, 2005, at 10:28:23
> Perhaps projection also plays a huge role. I sometimes think if my husband had been my T I would have the same level of intense feelings towards him also.
Yeah...
Most probably :-)
Posted by orchid on November 19, 2005, at 20:36:31
In reply to Re: Why do we develop so much of feelings towards T? » orchid, posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2005, at 14:41:49
Posted by one woman cine on November 21, 2005, at 7:49:36
In reply to Why do we develop so much of feelings towards T?, posted by orchid on November 18, 2005, at 21:08:37
Just my two cents, but I think at certain times in ones therapy (& in certain therapies) these feelings SHOULD develop in order to work out unresolved issues in your past. This even happens in everyday relationships, something happens and you respond in a way because of past events. Therapy is different because you are able to explore this with the therapist.
However, it is totally up to the therapist, a good therapist, to deal with these feelings as they arise and make constructive use of them that YOU can use. & it's not your fault if that doesn't happen.
Posted by orchid on November 22, 2005, at 6:40:32
In reply to Re: Why do we develop so much of feelings towards T? » orchid, posted by one woman cine on November 21, 2005, at 7:49:36
Thanks for reminding me. I had almost come to think of me as some what weird and had started to blame myself.
Posted by Tamar on November 22, 2005, at 16:57:39
In reply to Why do we develop so much of feelings towards T?, posted by orchid on November 18, 2005, at 21:08:37
Hi Orchid,
Sorry... I'm still not really very communicative or intuitive. But I noticed one thing in particular about your post that I wanted to reply to...
> Also any tips on how to redirect these feelings towards husband? Is that even healthy to develop such obsessive and intense feelings in real life relationship?
From what I've read, marriage therapy is suppoed to do that. Apparently the transference in marriage therapy is supposed to happen between the couple. I don't know if it's true... I'll let you know what happens when I finally get to marriage therapy!
In fact, it occurred to me that marriage therapy might be something you could get a lot of benefit from, because of some of the things that have happened in the past that you mentioned here at Babble... and especially if you're thinking about having children. But I don't know if you're interested in that, or if your husband would do it, or even if it's available where you are... I know your circumstances aren't particularly therapy-friendly right now...
Tamar
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