![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by frida on August 13, 2005, at 10:22:54
Hi,
i just thought i'd post this-- i'm feeling very hopeless and scared of the T process
i shared this with a friend of mine right after my T session
here it is:i'm here in tears and feeling really..hopeless. i am having doubts whether there truly exists that relief I'm looking for and i've been looking for all my life. i'm terrified of realizing it doesn't exist or it's too late--
i told my T - and she said that it is the first time at least that i'm talking about the most important thing and that i'm facing it- but i couldn't express the depth of all this and this feeling- i could just hint at it- she said we would continue next time - and that it's normal i'm feeling things more intensely, etc, i tried to tell her my deepest feelings-
but i couldn't do that completely- just started, hinted, said something-i am truly scared that maybe the relief i'm looking for doesn't exist and i don't know how to live with that. Today during work (trying to get through work), i was confused, thinking 'can i truly live with this hurt inside and without ever finding that relief?'- is it possible? what can i realistically expect..? i felt so much sadness that i was so relieved when my work day was over and i could come home and cry
something is not ok- i feel that i need a *real* relief...my T told me that so far, I've tried to just find temporary relief , but that it is good that i'm talking about the core of things now and that she believes that it is a big step to name things--
but now i'm feeling really hopeless
she said at a moment that sometimes to avoid talking about the core issues, i start with my insecurities and doubts about her and our relationship- and i don't remember the context of things but at a point among other things she said she can't be my mommy. That hurt truly deep inside. I know she can't, but it made me afraid that maybe i'm wishing for something that is impossible and maybe the kind of relief i've looked for all my life doesn't exist.
i know i have to accept her as the person she is to me and we have shared a lot, and as she said we have a whole history, but i don't know if the relief i need exists now :-(
what i've been trying to explain to her---and what i 've felt these nights-- is an intense deep pain as the moment after I was hurt- but it truly gets to the core of me, it hurts so deeply -
it takes me back to each moment-after- the feeling that i'd have to hang on somehow and holding on to the thought that some day, maybe *in years* i would find a true relief that would change this-
i would imagine for years that the door would open and someone would ask me if i was ok and i would not cry all alone wanting to die, and someone would ask me and want to know-i so desperately need my t now to help me heal this somehow
and i don't even know how to explain to her -
and i don't even know if it is possible to find that relief
i've cried in bed feeling that i can't do it anymore, i can't carry this deep hurt in my soul, i don't know how to do it, i feel alone with it at night, i cry out to her, inside i try to hold on to her, to feel i'm not lost in that horrible place, but it is so difficult- i feel so scared of her taking away the only hope i have- what if she says it is impossible for me to find that relief.i desperately need that i have to change the feelings of that moment after-
when that happened, year after year, i tried to hold on and imagine someone, eventually, would care enough and help me, as if it was all a bad dream only- i felt i wasn't worthwhile- i wasn't worth saving in an extreme situation- i felt, if no one can come to me and help me in an extreme situation, then it must mean i truly am alone and can't expect help and to matter enough.i feel that at night- i feel that hurt - i feel that need...i feel the need to feel i do matter- to feel that my T does know...to feel she can know all the bad things, all of them...and be with me, be with me in that moment after- understand and feel it and know it and tell me thati do matter
it's such deep pain i don't know how to handle it right now i simply don't
it makes me doubt whether i can make this-
it makes me want to s.i
it makes me want an end to this
i won't do anything but it does hurt so badly i don't know how to express it or how to breathe right now.
i can't stop crying, i end up crying alone and it is all the same as it was
and i know my T is not my mommy and i know she can't rescue me but i honestly can't do this alone again.
i can't..
i can't
i know it is impossible to go back and change things, i truly feel scared that maybe the relief i've always imagined and held on to, doesn't exist.
every moment after- i tried to imagine that some day i would find that relief, and that was what sustained me through the years...but it killed my heart not to have any kind of relief in between...after each moment, before the next one....something neverending...year after year....giving up life inside....
and now...trying to believe that my T can be the one to help me heal that...to be with me in that moment after-to make me feel i do matter...
i feel the weight of every moment-after and the hurt inside year after year-
holding on to something for all my life-
i can't accept that there is no relief to that-
but maybe there isn't...maybe it is too late - maybe i have to learn to be with that inside- but i just can't do this----crying here - maybe i should just let go completely next time with my T and express all this to her instead of holding back- i can't stand it anymore , i feel it's killing me inside-
i left a message to my T a moment ago on her answering machine-
i cried and said that i needed to tell her that even though she says i can handle it and i'm strong, it hurts too much and i can't carry this alone inside- i told her that it is such a horrible, deep pain that it takes away all hope from me- and that i'm afraid the relief may be impossible- and that this makes me want to hurt myself- and beg that this relief does exist...i told her that it comes to me, the pain i tried to manage alone for years- year after year- the pain of the moment after i was hurt- over and over- i told her i know it's late to find relief to that- but that i can't live without believing that maybe there is a way--with her---i told her i don't want to relive it all alone again- that i can't go through it. I told her that it is the hurt of having to hold on knowing that it doesn't mean it will be over, that it will happen again and again and again and that there won't be relief in between...I told her that it is the pain of imagining that someone someday would want to know or feel I matter enough to want to know- i told her I beg her to be there- and that the things she said today don't mean that she's not there or that i have to be able to do this alone- because I can't - i can't go through that hurt alone again like back then, i just can't.:******************
does that kind of relief exist? or i'm wishing for an impossible thing?
i know my T can't be my mommy or rescue me the way i want her to, she can't be there in the moment after,and keep me safe and tell me it'll be ok.
God, it does hurt
:****
-----
after this, i mailed a letter to my T that she'll get on Tuesday. I feel scared of her not knowing. I hold back so much and hide so much, I just hinted at her and she doesn't know what i'm truly feeling.
i feel terrified and it hurts so much i don't know what to do
just wanted to share, and ask if anyone could have some feedback..
i do trust my T, I am just so lost inside of me that i find it incredibly hard to talk and to be clear, and i feel i can't handle this alone--Thank you
Frida
Posted by confused186 on August 13, 2005, at 10:58:10
In reply to scared of not ever finding relief- *triggering****, posted by frida on August 13, 2005, at 10:22:54
Hi I am new to this site and read your post. I can say I know alot of the feelings you are feeling only being able to hint at the pain and looking around in a fog because you know any other person could never understand what you are going through. I really think there are just no words in the human vocabulary to express that deep dark pain. Its so dark its not even midnight its like a deep blue that shines just to show its still alive within you. One thing I can tell you from therapy is that it gets worse before it gets better....you see your waking up all your demons your actually not just crying about them anymore your talking to them and they can get really mean and ugly. I cried and did a few other things to myself becuase I was in so much pain. I kept going though partially cause i had a friend bigger than me that would drag me to the car and make me go sometimes i wouldnt talk sometimes i would yell sometimes i would say i wasnt meant to even be born and this was all useless. I would have to take bathroom breaks at work and cry. Let me tell you the fact that you go to work is amazing in itself. Do you know how may people couldn't do that at all but you do. It may not seem like alot but it's a start. It shows your still throwing yourself out there with other people fighting everyday. I know it hurts like hell and it hurt so bad one time I quit therapy for like 3 months then I got worse and went back. One day you willnotice you will talk about something and you wont cry where before you always did. see pain is a part of shame and when you talk about it you cry and you hate yourself but once you get it out and deal with it and say yes this happened yes this was the lowest point of my like but im here.... im still here you realize you more than you ever thought and yes you always slip back sometimes.... but you know now to dig your heels in and hang on and you never get back to that lowest point...hang in there that releif the first signs of it will come from you not medication and yes now i am on meds because i am bipolar and im still in therapy so i am only a few steps ahead of you in your journey but im on the same road...yes I know about things happening a while ago and the pain is still like yesterday....I used to be able to smell things that were there at the time thats how alive my mind made it for me and that does still come back but I close my eyes and say its ok I should be dead from the things I went thorugh but somehow I was made a worrior without my choice and I wipe the tears away even if it takes hours.
Posted by Dinah on August 13, 2005, at 11:06:16
In reply to scared of not ever finding relief- *triggering****, posted by frida on August 13, 2005, at 10:22:54
I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but I'm very glad you were able to write it down and send it to her. She can't help you if you hold what you are feeling inside.
My therapist knows he can't be my mommy, but he's perfectly comfortable being my therapist/mommy. And to my eyes, a therapist/mommy is perfectly fine. He'll never bug me about curfew or ask me to pick my socks off the floor. Every once in a while he'll even refer to himself as my therapist/mommy.
We both understand what that means and more importantly what it doesn't mean.
But maybe not all therapists would be as comfortable with the concept.
Which is a shame, because I think his comfort with and acceptance of the role allowed me to jump some hurdle in getting better.
Posted by daisym on August 13, 2005, at 17:37:52
In reply to Re: scared of not ever finding relief- *triggering » frida, posted by Dinah on August 13, 2005, at 11:06:16
frida,
I wish I could help you not feel so alone. What you are experiencing is the release of years and years of held feelings and while they are "just" memories, you are feeling them like they just happened. But this time, you can feel them with your therapist. It takes work to be able to share completely. You might have to check in a lot about how she is feeling about what your are saying or how deep your sorrow is. Checking in helps me keep telling.I believe what you are feeling most is grief. Grieving is a long, painful process and you do have to give up the idea that you can undo what was done. But you can't just tell yourself to give it up. You have to grieve it, and everything it means. It is loss in it rawest form. You need care and comfort and you need to go slow. It helps to create a safe place to be that reminds you of things that are good and things that you love. You ache for your therapist because you have a driving need to be seen and heard, as much as you want to be saved. It is OK to want to be saved and it is OK to want her to be your mother. Just because you want it doesn't mean you don't understand the reality of the situation.
There is a chapter in "Courage to Heal" that is titled "Don't kill yourself in this stage" or something like that. It is known as the crisis stage and it hurts unbelievable bad. I think I read that chapter 76 times because I just couldn't believe how much I hurt, I even thought there was something physically wrong with me because my chest hurt so bad. It does feel like nothing matters, and nothing can help. But eventually, time and talking about it does help. I won't lie to you...it is a cycle and you go around and around it. But you are absolutely right when you say you can't do it alone...you can't. You need to have your therapist with you and a few good friends too. And we are here to listen as well.
How much have you been able to say outloud to your therapist? You said you are hinting around. If you can, try to tell her some concrete details of what happened to you. Then she can actually be with you "after." Make yourself say the words. Or if you wrote them in the letter you sent her, try to read them out loud. The only way I was able to do this the first few times was reading. And I could only read because I told myself that I was going to win over the words this time. I needed someone to hear me.
Eventually you will feel relief. True relief that comes with honest expression and emotional release. It isn't the cathartic miracle, it is telling and telling again, and slowly, slowly allowing yourself to share your grief and move through it.
I think I'm in the middle of this journey. I know I'm past the beginning and I don't think I'm near the end, though I wish that were true. I still feel horrible, especially at night, but it doesn't last as long and I guess I know what to expect.
My therapist reminds me all the time, "you won't feel this way forever." And he told me again this week that he is holding the hope for me, since I felt like giving up. I asked him if he could really do that, and his answer was, "Yes. I'm holding onto it fiercely for you, and I'll keep holding it as long as I need to." You need to hold on too.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by madeline on August 14, 2005, at 10:26:43
In reply to scared of not ever finding relief- *triggering****, posted by frida on August 13, 2005, at 10:22:54
Frida,
I am going throuh the exact same thing and I know the pain you feel. I wish I could help you.
I realized a little while ago that my therapist will never be my father. Not only that, but no one else is ever going to be my father ever again. That time for me is past. I missed what I needed as a child, I don't get a "do over" and that is that.
I held a long belief that a gandalf type man would come in on his horse and take me away. He could magically erase all that has happened to me and I would be absolutely safe and loved for the rest of my life.
It's not going to happen.The grief is overwhelming. But we have to grieve that loss.
Allow yourself to feel compassion for your own pain and try not to lose hope.
After all, the belief of the therapist as a parent is false hope.
Now you have a chance for real hope and real recovery.
(((Frida))))
Posted by jadah on August 15, 2005, at 17:49:03
In reply to scared of not ever finding relief- *triggering****, posted by frida on August 13, 2005, at 10:22:54
Im a little behind on reading the messages but I just wanted to tell you that I used to feel completely and udderly hopeless, that what I wanted, what I thought everybody else had, was something that was unrealistic and unatainable for me. you know the old, " it worked for you but its not going to work for me.... Im different..." They call that "terminal uniquenesss". When it came to comparing myself to other people I just couldnt win. My mom and my T would always say, "well other people havent had to go through some of the things you have youll get there". This certainly didnt help in fact all of those things I went through just made me feel more different. What made things a little easier is that instead of looking at all of the differences in others I started looking at the similarities. I also gave myself credit for being a survivor and realized that I am strong (many of those other people may not have made it through all of my experiences). For years I struggled. Id start to feel better then I would slide back again completely discounting all the work I had done and marked myself as a hopeless failure. One day I got a bug up my butt and realized that I dont have to be a victim of myself or my past anymore. I worked so hard.... talking about things I had stuffed or denied, feeling the feelings instead of dissociating, and allowing myself to cry. Many years passed, I still was frustrated. I kept working at it and one day I stopped and realized that, "wow! I just realized that I havent felt that way in a long time, or wow, a year ago I probably wouldve freaked out over a situation like this...." The changes were so gradual but when I realized the changes in me I was astonished. I thought it would hit me like a brick falling from the sky, like one day i would just "be better". It doesnt work quite like that. When I realized the positive strides I had made it motivated me to work even harder. Oh, I still had/have bad days, but they are never as bad as they were. I realized that Im worth fighting for, even if it means it hurts sometimes and even if it means that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I am in control. I have choices today, and you know what.... its not a race, what matters is that you get there. Keep fighting, your worth it. You have the power to change your destiny.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.