Posted by daisym on August 13, 2005, at 17:37:52
In reply to Re: scared of not ever finding relief- *triggering » frida, posted by Dinah on August 13, 2005, at 11:06:16
frida,
I wish I could help you not feel so alone. What you are experiencing is the release of years and years of held feelings and while they are "just" memories, you are feeling them like they just happened. But this time, you can feel them with your therapist. It takes work to be able to share completely. You might have to check in a lot about how she is feeling about what your are saying or how deep your sorrow is. Checking in helps me keep telling.I believe what you are feeling most is grief. Grieving is a long, painful process and you do have to give up the idea that you can undo what was done. But you can't just tell yourself to give it up. You have to grieve it, and everything it means. It is loss in it rawest form. You need care and comfort and you need to go slow. It helps to create a safe place to be that reminds you of things that are good and things that you love. You ache for your therapist because you have a driving need to be seen and heard, as much as you want to be saved. It is OK to want to be saved and it is OK to want her to be your mother. Just because you want it doesn't mean you don't understand the reality of the situation.
There is a chapter in "Courage to Heal" that is titled "Don't kill yourself in this stage" or something like that. It is known as the crisis stage and it hurts unbelievable bad. I think I read that chapter 76 times because I just couldn't believe how much I hurt, I even thought there was something physically wrong with me because my chest hurt so bad. It does feel like nothing matters, and nothing can help. But eventually, time and talking about it does help. I won't lie to you...it is a cycle and you go around and around it. But you are absolutely right when you say you can't do it alone...you can't. You need to have your therapist with you and a few good friends too. And we are here to listen as well.
How much have you been able to say outloud to your therapist? You said you are hinting around. If you can, try to tell her some concrete details of what happened to you. Then she can actually be with you "after." Make yourself say the words. Or if you wrote them in the letter you sent her, try to read them out loud. The only way I was able to do this the first few times was reading. And I could only read because I told myself that I was going to win over the words this time. I needed someone to hear me.
Eventually you will feel relief. True relief that comes with honest expression and emotional release. It isn't the cathartic miracle, it is telling and telling again, and slowly, slowly allowing yourself to share your grief and move through it.
I think I'm in the middle of this journey. I know I'm past the beginning and I don't think I'm near the end, though I wish that were true. I still feel horrible, especially at night, but it doesn't last as long and I guess I know what to expect.
My therapist reminds me all the time, "you won't feel this way forever." And he told me again this week that he is holding the hope for me, since I felt like giving up. I asked him if he could really do that, and his answer was, "Yes. I'm holding onto it fiercely for you, and I'll keep holding it as long as I need to." You need to hold on too.
Hugs,
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:541041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/541185.html