Posted by frida on August 13, 2005, at 10:22:54
Hi,
i just thought i'd post this-- i'm feeling very hopeless and scared of the T process
i shared this with a friend of mine right after my T session
here it is:i'm here in tears and feeling really..hopeless. i am having doubts whether there truly exists that relief I'm looking for and i've been looking for all my life. i'm terrified of realizing it doesn't exist or it's too late--
i told my T - and she said that it is the first time at least that i'm talking about the most important thing and that i'm facing it- but i couldn't express the depth of all this and this feeling- i could just hint at it- she said we would continue next time - and that it's normal i'm feeling things more intensely, etc, i tried to tell her my deepest feelings-
but i couldn't do that completely- just started, hinted, said something-i am truly scared that maybe the relief i'm looking for doesn't exist and i don't know how to live with that. Today during work (trying to get through work), i was confused, thinking 'can i truly live with this hurt inside and without ever finding that relief?'- is it possible? what can i realistically expect..? i felt so much sadness that i was so relieved when my work day was over and i could come home and cry
something is not ok- i feel that i need a *real* relief...my T told me that so far, I've tried to just find temporary relief , but that it is good that i'm talking about the core of things now and that she believes that it is a big step to name things--
but now i'm feeling really hopeless
she said at a moment that sometimes to avoid talking about the core issues, i start with my insecurities and doubts about her and our relationship- and i don't remember the context of things but at a point among other things she said she can't be my mommy. That hurt truly deep inside. I know she can't, but it made me afraid that maybe i'm wishing for something that is impossible and maybe the kind of relief i've looked for all my life doesn't exist.
i know i have to accept her as the person she is to me and we have shared a lot, and as she said we have a whole history, but i don't know if the relief i need exists now :-(
what i've been trying to explain to her---and what i 've felt these nights-- is an intense deep pain as the moment after I was hurt- but it truly gets to the core of me, it hurts so deeply -
it takes me back to each moment-after- the feeling that i'd have to hang on somehow and holding on to the thought that some day, maybe *in years* i would find a true relief that would change this-
i would imagine for years that the door would open and someone would ask me if i was ok and i would not cry all alone wanting to die, and someone would ask me and want to know-i so desperately need my t now to help me heal this somehow
and i don't even know how to explain to her -
and i don't even know if it is possible to find that relief
i've cried in bed feeling that i can't do it anymore, i can't carry this deep hurt in my soul, i don't know how to do it, i feel alone with it at night, i cry out to her, inside i try to hold on to her, to feel i'm not lost in that horrible place, but it is so difficult- i feel so scared of her taking away the only hope i have- what if she says it is impossible for me to find that relief.i desperately need that i have to change the feelings of that moment after-
when that happened, year after year, i tried to hold on and imagine someone, eventually, would care enough and help me, as if it was all a bad dream only- i felt i wasn't worthwhile- i wasn't worth saving in an extreme situation- i felt, if no one can come to me and help me in an extreme situation, then it must mean i truly am alone and can't expect help and to matter enough.i feel that at night- i feel that hurt - i feel that need...i feel the need to feel i do matter- to feel that my T does know...to feel she can know all the bad things, all of them...and be with me, be with me in that moment after- understand and feel it and know it and tell me thati do matter
it's such deep pain i don't know how to handle it right now i simply don't
it makes me doubt whether i can make this-
it makes me want to s.i
it makes me want an end to this
i won't do anything but it does hurt so badly i don't know how to express it or how to breathe right now.
i can't stop crying, i end up crying alone and it is all the same as it was
and i know my T is not my mommy and i know she can't rescue me but i honestly can't do this alone again.
i can't..
i can't
i know it is impossible to go back and change things, i truly feel scared that maybe the relief i've always imagined and held on to, doesn't exist.
every moment after- i tried to imagine that some day i would find that relief, and that was what sustained me through the years...but it killed my heart not to have any kind of relief in between...after each moment, before the next one....something neverending...year after year....giving up life inside....
and now...trying to believe that my T can be the one to help me heal that...to be with me in that moment after-to make me feel i do matter...
i feel the weight of every moment-after and the hurt inside year after year-
holding on to something for all my life-
i can't accept that there is no relief to that-
but maybe there isn't...maybe it is too late - maybe i have to learn to be with that inside- but i just can't do this----crying here - maybe i should just let go completely next time with my T and express all this to her instead of holding back- i can't stand it anymore , i feel it's killing me inside-
i left a message to my T a moment ago on her answering machine-
i cried and said that i needed to tell her that even though she says i can handle it and i'm strong, it hurts too much and i can't carry this alone inside- i told her that it is such a horrible, deep pain that it takes away all hope from me- and that i'm afraid the relief may be impossible- and that this makes me want to hurt myself- and beg that this relief does exist...i told her that it comes to me, the pain i tried to manage alone for years- year after year- the pain of the moment after i was hurt- over and over- i told her i know it's late to find relief to that- but that i can't live without believing that maybe there is a way--with her---i told her i don't want to relive it all alone again- that i can't go through it. I told her that it is the hurt of having to hold on knowing that it doesn't mean it will be over, that it will happen again and again and again and that there won't be relief in between...I told her that it is the pain of imagining that someone someday would want to know or feel I matter enough to want to know- i told her I beg her to be there- and that the things she said today don't mean that she's not there or that i have to be able to do this alone- because I can't - i can't go through that hurt alone again like back then, i just can't.:******************
does that kind of relief exist? or i'm wishing for an impossible thing?
i know my T can't be my mommy or rescue me the way i want her to, she can't be there in the moment after,and keep me safe and tell me it'll be ok.
God, it does hurt
:****
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after this, i mailed a letter to my T that she'll get on Tuesday. I feel scared of her not knowing. I hold back so much and hide so much, I just hinted at her and she doesn't know what i'm truly feeling.
i feel terrified and it hurts so much i don't know what to do
just wanted to share, and ask if anyone could have some feedback..
i do trust my T, I am just so lost inside of me that i find it incredibly hard to talk and to be clear, and i feel i can't handle this alone--Thank you
Frida
poster:frida
thread:541041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/541041.html