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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 35. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
termination.
I saw my T today, and I mentioned that sometimes I think I should just not see him anymore, that I should get on with my life.
He thought it was a good idea. That it's time, that I'm ready, that continuing to see him keeps me regressed.
I feel so hurt, so sad, so sick (too much chocolate, that would be. I was hoping to comfort myself with chocolate, but when the pain is so great, a person tends to overeat and feel sick afterwards).
My heart is broken. Part of me wants to find a big stick and poke it in my eye and say, look at how bad I feel, I poked myself in the eye because I feel so bad.
Another part of me wants to be the rational, gracious woman I know I can be, and see him a few more times, weep copiously, and go on my merry way.
And yet another part of me wants to blame him, wants to hate him, wants to see him as a betrayer, the filthy swine. How could he seduce me into believing he cared, that he understood me, that he would stand with me, and now want me to go?
Yes, he says I could see him every few months, call him if I need to, see him more often if something comes up. He says he would be there for me. He is kind, caring, gentle, and a filthy burp.
I feel I did it all wrong, that if I were younger, prettier, kinder, thinner, more intelligent, better ... he would not send me away.
Yet I know that he is right, it's time, and why can't I let these old feelings go...
I am so so sad. I have cried so much today my head aches. My husband called and left him a message to please call, and he never called back. More betrayal.
So, if I'm lucky, I'll see him two or three more times in the next couple of months. And then this part of my life will be over. I feel like an orphan. And I so want to hate him.
ShortE
Posted by gardenergirl on March 11, 2005, at 0:06:34
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
Posted by daisym on March 11, 2005, at 1:25:45
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
Oh ShortE,
I'm not in great shape to answer threads, but my heart just breaks for you. Your sadness is so evident. I would feel exactly like you do and I worry about all the time. It is such a set up and yet, I'm already too far in...as you are.
Cling to your husband. Cling tight and often. Transfer as much as you can to him. Go out with your girlfriends and let them comfort you.
Tell your therapist how you feel. He should go slow.
I'm so sorry. Makes me cry too...
Hugs, big ones.
Daisy
Posted by 10derHeart on March 11, 2005, at 1:48:44
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
Oh dear, (((ShortE))))
This was so eloquent and real. No one who's terminated with a therapist they cared for, or (as with daisym, perhaps) even fearing the imagined loss (Daisy, you have NOTHING to fear, your T. isn't going anywhere!), could read this and not be moved, I don't think. I wish I could do something, anything.
I can only say I do so know about the tears and feeling sick and all of it. All of it and more. I am past maybe 80% of it now, but only by maybe 2 months. It's fresh enough that it all comes right back.
<<Yet I know that he is right, it's time, and why can't I let these old feelings go...>>
Because you're human. Because they're natural? Because it's not yet time? I know - it just s@*ks anyway, doesn't it?
I can't top what Daisy suggested. But if you ever want to vent or anything, I'm usually here. You can Babblemail me, too. I know you don't know me, but I feel I *know* you a tiny bit through your wonderful posts. This is a subject I can help share the burden of with others. I don't shy away, because this is one of the worst, hardest, and often most impossible to explain in all its depth to IRL folks. We really need each other on this one, and I've found to my surprise I am strong enough to read and reply.
ShortE, you'll still see him some more. No, it won't be the same, and the reality of it all will always be there. But hang onto the fact he IS still there. It'll be a HUGE change, but not complete devastation.
It only feels exactly like it now. Hang on. We're here and we DO know. --10derheart
Posted by alwayzblue222 on March 11, 2005, at 4:25:53
In reply to Re: therapy ending - my heart breaks » Shortelise, posted by 10derHeart on March 11, 2005, at 1:48:44
I can feel your pain coming through the words you write. I dread the day my therapist and I have to part. We parted once because I moved away, and when I came back I waited a year to go back to therapy just so I could see her.
My greatest fear is of losing her. I have a long way to go before I would be ready to leave therapy, but she has cancer. That is why I had to wait so long to get back in to see her.
She has breat cancer. It keeps metastasizing everywhere, but she keeps battling on. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her, for any reason. I trust her with my life. She knows so many things that I have never and will never tell anybody else.
I'm sorry to have turned this around to me. But it brought out my fears. I can understand the pain you are facing.
alwayzblue
Posted by mair on March 11, 2005, at 7:54:23
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
(((ShortE)))
I'm sorry if I missed something, but is this the first time you and he have spoken about now being an appropriate time to terminate? If it is, I think he bungled this. I've never really been in this situation, but I would think this is something you guys would process over more than one session - I don't think you should go into a session and not know it's going to be your last, at least for a couple of months. Do you have a plan for tapering down.
My heart goes out to you because you are in such obvious pain. I hope he deals with this in a way that helps you make this adjustment.
Mair
Posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 10:28:44
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
Get yourself to the gym, woman. You're healed. Heeheee. So termination causes its own trauma even when things went well ...
Posted by Aphrodite on March 11, 2005, at 11:39:35
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
Oh, this is so awful. Was this a bombshell? Had the two of you talked about it before? What is the plan for termination?
I completely understand your conflicted feelings of sorrow and anger. They must swirl and swirl until you just collapse into tears. Please don't take it as a reflection of your self-worth.
What does he mean by therapy keeping you regressed?
Just take it slow and breathe and get through today. I just don't know what to say -- it's so very heartbreaking.
Posted by Shortelise on March 11, 2005, at 11:50:27
In reply to Re: therapy ending - my heart breaks » Shortelise, posted by Aphrodite on March 11, 2005, at 11:39:35
I am too tired to answer everyone, but I read each of your posts with relief somehow.
No, this wasn't sudden. We've been down to one sesssion every two weeks for about ... 8 months I guess.
I just thought I had more time. It feels like death.
And I really don't know if I should feel all this stuff or try to just slide through it, ignore it. Which is better, "healthier"?
Thanks again. Sorry I made anyone cry.
ShortE
Posted by messadivoce on March 11, 2005, at 12:29:47
In reply to thanks all, posted by Shortelise on March 11, 2005, at 11:50:27
Your first message was so TRUE. I smiled, because it sounded like you, but my heart breaks a little for your too. You're right. It DOES feel like death.
As to what is healthier? Sometimes in my own life I ignore it. And sometimes I let myself grieve it. Maybe a balanced mixture of the two. You can't always grieve, but you can't always ignore.
Thank you for being able to articulate the things I can't. Hugs to you. ((((ShortE))))
Posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 13:45:24
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
Maybe you should agree with him for a more smoother termination plan. Like agree for one visit a month for the next 6 months, and then once in two. That will give you enough time to heal and move on with your own life, at the same time have soemthing to look forward to.
Your T does sound sensible, and I think he would agree to see you once in a month perhaps if you think it would help you.
I wish I had the same luxury with my ex T.
>
> I saw my T today, and I mentioned that sometimes I think I should just not see him anymore, that I should get on with my life.
>
> He thought it was a good idea. That it's time, that I'm ready, that continuing to see him keeps me regressed.
>
> I feel so hurt, so sad, so sick (too much chocolate, that would be. I was hoping to comfort myself with chocolate, but when the pain is so great, a person tends to overeat and feel sick afterwards).
>
> My heart is broken. Part of me wants to find a big stick and poke it in my eye and say, look at how bad I feel, I poked myself in the eye because I feel so bad.
>
> Another part of me wants to be the rational, gracious woman I know I can be, and see him a few more times, weep copiously, and go on my merry way.
>
> And yet another part of me wants to blame him, wants to hate him, wants to see him as a betrayer, the filthy swine. How could he seduce me into believing he cared, that he understood me, that he would stand with me, and now want me to go?
>
> Yes, he says I could see him every few months, call him if I need to, see him more often if something comes up. He says he would be there for me. He is kind, caring, gentle, and a filthy burp.
>
> I feel I did it all wrong, that if I were younger, prettier, kinder, thinner, more intelligent, better ... he would not send me away.
>
> Yet I know that he is right, it's time, and why can't I let these old feelings go...
>
> I am so so sad. I have cried so much today my head aches. My husband called and left him a message to please call, and he never called back. More betrayal.
>
> So, if I'm lucky, I'll see him two or three more times in the next couple of months. And then this part of my life will be over. I feel like an orphan. And I so want to hate him.
>
> ShortE
Posted by pinkeye on March 11, 2005, at 15:11:59
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
Another thing that always immensely helps me whenever I feel hurt and abandoned by my T is the thought that he is perhaps just like me.. as weak, as human, as troubled, and having emotional issues of his own perhaps to deal with. That thought always makes me see him in the correct perspective.. and removes the hurt.
When you said you want to feel angry towards him, I thought this might help you. For me, my old T was barely 3 years elder to me. So I keep trying to remember that, that he is just like me and that helps me not to hold anything against him. If you are feeling abandoned and left by your T, it might help you to realize he is probably feeling the same to an extent with you. That you came and leaned on him and grew, and now you are flying away and no longer need him. He probably feels a little bit of the empty nest syndrome that parents feel when the kids go away.
If you had a good relationship with your T, he would probably be missing you as well, and remembering that will remove some of the hurt that you are experiencing now.
Posted by Susan47 on March 11, 2005, at 18:46:58
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
Will the filthy burp let you see him once a month for a couple of months, first? Or maybe two times every three weeks and then once a month and then just as needed? Knowing you can see him if you need to might help you break free...?
Posted by Tamar on March 11, 2005, at 19:15:08
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
I'm in a similar situation - my final appointment with my T is now less than a week away. I feel for you.
> Another part of me wants to be the rational, gracious woman I know I can be, and see him a few more times, weep copiously, and go on my merry way.
Is that the person he sees when he thinks of you leaving therapy? A rational, gracious woman? That's a tribute to both of you.
> I feel I did it all wrong, that if I were younger, prettier, kinder, thinner, more intelligent, better ... he would not send me away.I know. I feel the same way. If only I were indispensable, my T wouldn't be able to let me go. He'd keep me in therapy for the rest of my life. Of course, what I actually desire is his friendship and love...
Also, I'm sure you're young enough, pretty enough, kind, thin, intelligent and good enough for your T. It's because you are valuable to him that he wants what is best for you, even if that means letting you go.
> I am so so sad. I have cried so much today my head aches. My husband called and left him a message to please call, and he never called back. More betrayal.Have you called him yourself? Would that make a difference?
> So, if I'm lucky, I'll see him two or three more times in the next couple of months. And then this part of my life will be over. I feel like an orphan. And I so want to hate him.
>
The word orphan strikes a chord with me. It's like a bereavement, isn't it? You might know it's coming and you might be able to prepare for it, but it's still a huge loss.I hope he calls you back.
Tamar
Posted by Shortelise on March 11, 2005, at 20:18:50
In reply to Re: therapy ending - my heart breaks » Shortelise, posted by Tamar on March 11, 2005, at 19:15:08
Today I went out of the city with a friend to buy roses bushes for my garden. Should anyone else require an afternoon of escapism, I would suggest a drive in the country. We went to a place where they actually grow a lot of the roses they sell, and the man who owns it helped us select the roses we bought. It was wonderful. There were chickens clucking, roosters crowing, the smell of dung in the air, and warm, fragrant plants all around. Tomorrow my husband and I will dig holes to plant these glorious treasures, so that will soothe my soul as well.
My husband talked with my T, who said that we will negociate how often I will see him, what an acceptable (acceptable for me as well as one he thinks appropriate)schedule for termination would be.
He said lots of other comforting stuff, and told my husband just to listen to me and love me - that is how he can help the most.
I am exhausted. It's astonishing how exhausting emotional stuff is. So tired. I only cried for a while this morning, but this sadness is so heavy, it's like carrying a huge weight all the time.
Thanks for your kindness. I wish I had the energy to answer each of you, but trust me, I am listening to you all, am grateful to each.
Susan, I'm glad you enjoy my "cursing" so much.
ShortE
Posted by gardenergirl on March 12, 2005, at 6:38:36
In reply to Husband talked with him, posted by Shortelise on March 11, 2005, at 20:18:50
That sounds like a wonderful day, ShortE. I'm glad you did that, and I hope the planting goes well. It's much too soon here for planting. I'm jealous! :)
I'm glad your husband talked to your T. It sounds as if he will be understanding and comforting. I so feel for you. My T and I haven't talked termination in awhile, but recently I've thought about how I would want a final session to go. I could not come up with anything acceptable. It was far too painful. All I could do was just cry.
In some ways, I think termination (when it's done right) is the biggest and hardest job in therapy. Perhaps it takes all that work just to be able to reach the point where you even can.
Keep doing good things for yourself and for the earth. It's very healing.
((((shorte)))))
gg
Posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:15:11
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
((((((ShortE))))))
No matter how expected, loss always hurts. I hope you can work together on a tapering schedule that makes it easier (?!!!) for you.
Posted by Dinah on March 12, 2005, at 8:22:47
In reply to Re: therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by alwayzblue222 on March 11, 2005, at 4:25:53
Oh, I am so sorry. That must be so scary for you.
Are you able to process your feelings about this with her? Or is it too hard to mention for fear of hurting her?
I think this is my biggest fear now that I no longer fear that my therapist will ever terminate me, and he seems happily married to a woman who won't move. (blessed woman) So now I watch his excessive cofee drinking and worry about his weight and if he's getting enough exercise and ask him what will happen to me if he dies.
It's hard enough for me to discuss those things with my therapist and he's well. It must be so much harder since she's sick.
I gave my therapist a printout from the internet yesterday about plans therapists should make for their incapacity or death. And his response was something along the line of some people don't like to make those plans, like making a will, because they don't like to think they can die. I happen to know he hasn't made those plans (hence giving him the printout), so I gave him a hard stare and told him that *some* people might, but that I expected better from *him*. No way I could have done that if he were currently ill.
How are you holding up under the stress? I'm sure, though, that your therapist is a wonderful example to you of persevering under difficult circumstances.
Posted by mair on March 14, 2005, at 11:24:42
In reply to Husband talked with him, posted by Shortelise on March 11, 2005, at 20:18:50
I think it's cool your husband spoke with him. It sounds like he's pretty involved.
I hope you're feeling better.
Mair
Posted by Shortelise on March 14, 2005, at 11:52:44
In reply to therapy ending - my heart breaks, posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
Thanks Mair, and all.
ShortE
Posted by Susan47 on March 14, 2005, at 12:09:25
In reply to Muddling through, posted by Shortelise on March 14, 2005, at 11:52:44
Everything you're feeling. (((Your feelings))) If I were in your shoes I think a good-bye letter, writing one that is, would really help me a lot. Hugely. I might not give it but I might... knowing I have my feelings down solidly on paper makes me feel more solid, more whole. It's really like a way of helping me accept my feelings and then work through them. You're having a lot of feelings right now, let them flow sweetie. (((Shortelise))) - who's very very wise.
Posted by Shortelise on March 14, 2005, at 12:44:15
In reply to (((Shortelise))), posted by Susan47 on March 14, 2005, at 12:09:25
Susan, that's a brilliant idea. I will write a goodbye letter. No, not for him, for me. Thanks,
ShortE
Posted by 10derHeart on March 14, 2005, at 22:26:13
In reply to Re: (((Shortelise))) » Susan47, posted by Shortelise on March 14, 2005, at 12:44:15
...is well known to me. As well as helpfulness, kindness, insight, empathy...oh I could go on.
The letter idea will help, I think. I've done it. But I actually gave mine to my T. 3 days prior to out last session. Then I mailed him another one three months later. He emailed back, and it was a good, good thing
Not recommending that, just reminiscing. I tend to do things in the most intense, dramatic way possible. Just the act of writing (and re-writing, and re-writing...) helped release a lot of the feelings - just have lots of tissues nearby to protect the paper... ((ShortE))
Posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 11:45:23
In reply to Re: Yes, Susan's brilliance..., posted by 10derHeart on March 14, 2005, at 22:26:13
But your words about me being helpful and kind and empathetic and insightful I hope I can take those words to my grave because they make me feel really really good.
10derheart, it sounds like you had a really good ending with your T.
I envy you that, and I'm sure though that you really earned it. Somehow, I never did. I was too messed up I guess.
Posted by pinkeye on March 15, 2005, at 12:48:29
In reply to Oh dear, she's not brilliant at all..... » 10derHeart, posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 11:45:23
You are really all that what 10derHeart said. I am noticing that in your posts now as well. It was probably there before as well, but past few days, I am noticing how capable you are at giving support to others.
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