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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by philyra on December 10, 2006, at 11:43:20
I think I'm having some heavy duty transference with a professor. I have been feeling really uncomfortable around him all semester, he's one of my advisors and someone I look up to tremendously. I can't seem to stop imagining that he's judging me harshly and is disappointed in me, even though I have NO evidence for this. He's friendly and encouraging, but not overly so: he's got good boundaries. The other night I found myself sobbing and just being really aware of wanting his approval and caring and not getting it in the way I wish I did. Not in a romantic way, but more fatherly maybe? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm jealous of other students who I imagine get more approval that I do. Nuts!
I need to de-escalate some of these feelings since this is someone I'll be working with for the long haul...I scheduled a meeting w/ him this week bcs I feel like I need to do a reality check for myself and ask him for some feedback on my work, but I'm worried that I'm going to get all tripped up on whatever he says, no matter how constructive it is. Stuck in my story about how he is disappointed in me. I'm not the type to fall apart in meetings with authority figures, but I'm a little worried that I'll do that too.
help!
actually just writing this out helps a bit...
philyra
Posted by gardenergirl on December 10, 2006, at 12:08:44
In reply to transference, posted by philyra on December 10, 2006, at 11:43:20
I can really relate, and I know how confusing and painful it is. It's good that you're thinking about in an insightful way. Recognizing it is definitely the first step! :)
For me two things helped. One, I processed the heck out of it in therapy--not just this particular transference relationship, but more broadly the needs, wishes, and other stuff I was transferring to several male authority figures. (It's a father thing for me, too.)
The other thing, which might be more directly useful for you, is that my T was very good at re-framing the relationship for me. Whenever I had a meeting or some other thing coming up with this prof, my T would remind me that it was really a "business transaction". I needed something from him, and I needed to ask for it. Or vice versa. This was an advisor and supervisor, so I met with him alot. I had to keep reminding myself that this was a "business meeting", nothing more, and I had an agenda to stick to.
It's strange to think of a meeting with an academic person as "business", but I look at it (with my T's help) as me being "in the business of" getting my degree. It's about me getting my degree because that's what I want. That doesn't belong to anyone else.
Good luck with this. You can get past it and keep the relationship. It actually works better, then.
Take care,
gg
Posted by philyra on December 10, 2006, at 13:27:32
In reply to Re: transference » philyra, posted by gardenergirl on December 10, 2006, at 12:08:44
Thanks so much gg, this is enormously helpful.
I have an urge to share some of my feelings with my prof but I mostly know that wouldn't be a good idea. Right? After 10+ yrs of therapy I sometimes have a problem with oversharing. I certainly don't want to introduce any weirdness into the relationship. I think he's had plenty of sobbing students in his office, but I'd rather be the grownup boundaried one for now...
I think this week I'll take yr advice and treat it as a business transaction and go into the meeting being very clear about the project that i want feedback on. And address this stuff in therapy more than I have been too. My hope is that the meeting will help demystify some of the relationship too.
thanks again,
philyra
Posted by gardenergirl on December 10, 2006, at 22:11:49
In reply to Re: transference » gardenergirl, posted by philyra on December 10, 2006, at 13:27:32
> Thanks so much gg, this is enormously helpful.
>
> I have an urge to share some of my feelings with my prof but I mostly know that wouldn't be a good idea. Right? After 10+ yrs of therapy I sometimes have a problem with oversharing. I certainly don't want to introduce any weirdness into the relationship. I think he's had plenty of sobbing students in his office, but I'd rather be the grownup boundaried one for now...I think that's a good decision. I remember sobbing in my dissertation chair's office once (the transference guy). It was mortifying. I know that a psychologist is probably quite used to crying, but it was just awful. Bleah.
>
> I think this week I'll take yr advice and treat it as a business transaction and go into the meeting being very clear about the project that i want feedback on. And address this stuff in therapy more than I have been too. My hope is that the meeting will help demystify some of the relationship too.That's great. Let me know how it goes. You can do it!
gg
Posted by philyra on December 12, 2006, at 13:28:30
In reply to Re: transference » philyra, posted by gardenergirl on December 10, 2006, at 22:11:49
It was a great meeting. I told him the last semester has been really rough for me without giving details, and asked for some feedback on my work. He was encouraging and reassuring, and also blunt: "welcome to the academy. This is what it's like, unfortunately." Also reassured me that I do belong here and that I've been doing good work. I wanted/needed to hear that.
My eyes welled up a little bit, but I stuck to business and I feel SO much better. The meeting reminded me that he's just a regular, nice, smart guy who I'm lucky to be working with in my field. He also told me to come in anytime I start having "imposter syndrome" again. He started naming all the tenured profs in the department who also suffer from the syndrome. Hilarious!
Thanks for your support GG. Good luck on the diss-ating.
xo,
philyra
Posted by Happyflower on December 12, 2006, at 17:34:34
In reply to mission accomplished » gardenergirl, posted by philyra on December 12, 2006, at 13:28:30
Glad it went well Philyra! What degree are you going for? You must feel good right now! ;-)
Posted by philyra on December 12, 2006, at 18:23:16
In reply to Re: mission accomplished, posted by Happyflower on December 12, 2006, at 17:34:34
Thanks!!
i'm getting a ph.d. i'm in my second year - it's 5-7 yrs. i want to nip some of these issues in the bud...it'll be a long haul.
thanks, i am feeling pretty good. :) another professor told me yesterday that she thinks i'll be a great teacher. now if i can just get these damn papers done...
philyra
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