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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on August 21, 2005, at 23:18:50
I'm a little afraid of going back to school.
What if I can't get my act together?
What if I get desperate again and do something really stupid?
What should I do if I start to feel like it is worth the risk to feign illness by downing a bunch of pills?
What if I start to do really badly again?
What if I find myself choosing death instead of life?
I just have a bad feeling...I've never been able to make it through an entire school year without having serious suicidal ideations (except in elementary school).
You know that break that most university put in the spring time or close to spring time? Is part of the reason for that break to relieve stress so we won't kill ourselves? I must not have had enough fun during mine.
Deneb
Posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2005, at 0:13:05
In reply to Kind of afraid of going back to school *trigger*, posted by Deneb on August 21, 2005, at 23:18:50
> I'm a little afraid of going back to school.
Yeah. It can be pretty scarey.
> What if I can't get my act together?You can :-)
Its really important to you.
I reckon you can do it.
It might be hard at times
But I'm sure people here will help you haul your *ss through that best you can.
And hopefully... You can get into seeing someone at the councelling services... Otherwise we'll just have to do the best we can till Jan. But I reckon you can do it. I do.
> What if I get desperate again and do something really stupid?Well... Then I guess you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off as best you can. And get back to it. It can be really hard. Especially if / when the panic sets in and you start thinking that there is no way you can do it. But you can. But it is hard, that is true.
> What should I do if I start to feel like it is worth the risk to feign illness by downing a bunch of pills?Then you should phone your p-doc IMMEDIATELY.
> What if I start to do really badly again?You can talk about it on the boards...
You can try and get into see someone from the councelling services
(Better now than when you are in a right state - but better then than not at all)
You can try and remember how you sometimes feel all is hopeless when objectively you are doing fine (like with the course you didn't think you were doing well in and your proff said you were going to get an A)
You can try and remember that those really really bad spaces only last a couple days. A couple days. If you can manage to haul yourself through that then things will pick up a little.
They will.
> What if I find myself choosing death instead of life?Then you will phone your p-doc.
I'm serious.
An emergency is an emergency.
> I just have a bad feeling...I've never been able to make it through an entire school year without having serious suicidal ideations (except in elementary school).Me neither.
Still have them in fact.
Spent time in hospital this year too.
And last year.
And the year before.
But one week of that and I'm good to go again.
Ideations are okay.
Well... They aren't okay but if they are manageable then they are manageable.
If you start to get action urges and think you are going to do something. Or if you just feel that it is getting a bit much then you should ring your p-doc. Emergency again.
> You know that break that most university put in the spring time or close to spring time? Is part of the reason for that break to relieve stress so we won't kill ourselves? I must not have had enough fun during mine.Yeah. I think its partly to relieve stress. Without the break I think people get run down and tend to get physically sick too. Most of my flatmates get sick bout the time I find myself going a little loopy. I guess we just handle the stress in different ways. Also... If its anything like our system ITS NOT A HOLIDAY! ITS A STUDY-BREAK!
But yeah. Time to have a rest from the constant overstimulation one gets from all those classes and labs and co.
Posted by Deneb on August 22, 2005, at 0:59:52
In reply to Kind of afraid of going back to school *trigger*, posted by Deneb on August 21, 2005, at 23:18:50
In the semester where I did really well, I remember I had to constantly remind myself that all was not lost because of poor past performance.
I had to keep telling myself that it was OK, that it's OK for me to take a different path and be late in graduating, that my life was NOT over.
Then...one really bad decision and the next semester was dropped. I totally lost it the day I dropped my Cell Biology Lab. I felt really bad for abandoning my lab partner...it was a very small class. Without me, there was an odd number of students and I didn't know how it would work out for my lab partner. I was in total agony...insane with anxiety. The closeness of the group made me anxious as heck.
I think maybe the two profs and the students in that class noticed there was something wrong with me. :-( I hate being the class nutcase...
Once in another laboratory, I had a panic attack because my TA didn't receive my lab report for some reason and I thought I was going to get an F.
Another time, in one of my physics classes, I had an awkward interaction with the prof and I was so embarrassed that I wanted to kill myself. I went wandering in the middle of the night...not knowing what to do, thank goodness there weren't many cars around...I wasn't looking at where I was going.
The weird thing is, sometimes when I do take action, I sincerely think that I'm OK...I was actually calm and meticulous about buying the pills and taking them. I had a plan and I just followed through...it was very easy. To me it was THE solution (not death, but a way to get out of the midterm). It made TOTAL sense to me!
There was a brief moment of sanity though, where I thought that perhaps it would be better to skip the agony of being sick and just go to the doctor to complain about having flu-like symptoms or something...but then I thought...that's way too obvious...I need to be actually sick to see a doctor. Boy was I surprised when the doctor there called the ER before I knew what was happening. I was surprised because my p-doc didn't call the ER when I ODd once before I went to see her (I didn't take quite so much then though).
Anyways...OK, bad idea to skip exams by ODing.
Deneb
Posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2005, at 5:59:16
In reply to Re: Kind of afraid of going back to school *trigge, posted by Deneb on August 22, 2005, at 0:59:52
> In the semester where I did really well, I remember I had to constantly remind myself that all was not lost because of poor past performance.
All is not lost. Thats the truth. If all was lost because of poor past performance then there wouldn't be any hope for me either. But nobody holds it against me. Except me.
> I had to keep telling myself that it was OK, that it's OK for me to take a different path and be late in graduating, that my life was NOT over.It is okay to take more time to complete. People do this for a variety of reasons. Some people have physical health issues. Some people have financial issues. Some people have family issues. Oh yeah, some people have mental health issues too ;-) There is no way for anybody to know from your transcript. Your life isn't over. In a way... Its just beginning.
But yeah. All that can go out the window sometimes. It can be hard to remember...
> Then...one really bad decision and the next semester was dropped. I totally lost it the day I dropped my Cell Biology Lab. I felt really bad for abandoning my lab partner...Yeah. Its funny... Its like varsity is the most important thing in the world to me but in a moment of extreme stress... It just goes out the window. And I think I CAN'T DO IT! And from there I feel immobalised with panic. And it can be relatively minor (in hindsight) things that trigger me off. I remember just about having a breakdown one day because I had signed up for a lab time but I got lost between there and the roll. So I didn't have a time to attend... Panic... I remember I had to get someone else to phone up and pretend to be me to sort it out. Sorted in 5 minutes... But I just couldn't do it.
When I first went back (like you are doing now) it was really really hard. But I managed to get through the semester. The next semester was really hard. But a bit easier because I could keep telling myself 'I got through last semester'. And each year it gets a little bit easier. And each year I need to take a little less time off.
I really want you to be able to do this.
Maybe I see you too much as me.
I'm sorry if I do that too much and I hurt you sometimes.
> I think maybe the two profs and the students in that class noticed there was something wrong with me. :-( I hate being the class nutcase...They might have noticed. They might have thought you were having a bad day. Or that you had drunk too much the night before. Or something like that...
All those incidents...Are where it might help a little to be able to talk about it at the time. So other people can help you put it in perspective a little. Sometimes its next to impossible to be able to seperate out the situation from how one feels about the situation. Everything seems hopeless because everything feels hopeless. But in 2 months time... How bad does the situation seem then? Sometimes other people can help so it doesn't feel so bad anymore.
> The weird thing is, sometimes when I do take action, I sincerely think that I'm OK...I was actually calm and meticulous about buying the pills and taking them. I had a plan and I just followed through...it was very easy. To me it was THE solution (not death, but a way to get out of the midterm). It made TOTAL sense to me!
Sometimes its ambivalence that feels the worst. Not knowing what to do... Once one has made a decision (either way) its like the pressure, the tension, the burden has lifted. And then things go all calm (numb).
But maybe its about lack of alternatives...
Maybe... You could have phoned your p-doc and after a chat with her you might have felt better.
Maybe... You could have phoned your p-doc and after a chat with her she might have written you a note on compassionate grounds.
Maybe... There could have been another way...
Instead of ODing... Maybe you could try and explain to them how you are feeling. About how bad you are feeling. About how you are starting to feel like ODing is the only way to help you feel better.That might do it...
I reckon its worth a try...I still get this stuff sometimes.
But not as often.
And I don't think my moods are as intense as they used to be.
Well, not as intense as often at any rate.
But it still happens.
Yeah.
But it does get better.
And when I'm in a good place
I pretty nearly forget all those bad times
And life does seem worth living
And I'm pleased with some of the things I have done / am doing.
I hope...
That things will be like that for you too.
Posted by rainbowbrite on August 26, 2005, at 3:52:03
In reply to Kind of afraid of going back to school *trigger*, posted by Deneb on August 21, 2005, at 23:18:50
i am too :-( I think I am anyway.
Just think positively about it or try too. dont let your thoughts control you. its not that easy I know.
This is the end of the thread.
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