Posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2005, at 5:59:16
In reply to Re: Kind of afraid of going back to school *trigge, posted by Deneb on August 22, 2005, at 0:59:52
> In the semester where I did really well, I remember I had to constantly remind myself that all was not lost because of poor past performance.
All is not lost. Thats the truth. If all was lost because of poor past performance then there wouldn't be any hope for me either. But nobody holds it against me. Except me.
> I had to keep telling myself that it was OK, that it's OK for me to take a different path and be late in graduating, that my life was NOT over.It is okay to take more time to complete. People do this for a variety of reasons. Some people have physical health issues. Some people have financial issues. Some people have family issues. Oh yeah, some people have mental health issues too ;-) There is no way for anybody to know from your transcript. Your life isn't over. In a way... Its just beginning.
But yeah. All that can go out the window sometimes. It can be hard to remember...
> Then...one really bad decision and the next semester was dropped. I totally lost it the day I dropped my Cell Biology Lab. I felt really bad for abandoning my lab partner...Yeah. Its funny... Its like varsity is the most important thing in the world to me but in a moment of extreme stress... It just goes out the window. And I think I CAN'T DO IT! And from there I feel immobalised with panic. And it can be relatively minor (in hindsight) things that trigger me off. I remember just about having a breakdown one day because I had signed up for a lab time but I got lost between there and the roll. So I didn't have a time to attend... Panic... I remember I had to get someone else to phone up and pretend to be me to sort it out. Sorted in 5 minutes... But I just couldn't do it.
When I first went back (like you are doing now) it was really really hard. But I managed to get through the semester. The next semester was really hard. But a bit easier because I could keep telling myself 'I got through last semester'. And each year it gets a little bit easier. And each year I need to take a little less time off.
I really want you to be able to do this.
Maybe I see you too much as me.
I'm sorry if I do that too much and I hurt you sometimes.
> I think maybe the two profs and the students in that class noticed there was something wrong with me. :-( I hate being the class nutcase...They might have noticed. They might have thought you were having a bad day. Or that you had drunk too much the night before. Or something like that...
All those incidents...Are where it might help a little to be able to talk about it at the time. So other people can help you put it in perspective a little. Sometimes its next to impossible to be able to seperate out the situation from how one feels about the situation. Everything seems hopeless because everything feels hopeless. But in 2 months time... How bad does the situation seem then? Sometimes other people can help so it doesn't feel so bad anymore.
> The weird thing is, sometimes when I do take action, I sincerely think that I'm OK...I was actually calm and meticulous about buying the pills and taking them. I had a plan and I just followed through...it was very easy. To me it was THE solution (not death, but a way to get out of the midterm). It made TOTAL sense to me!
Sometimes its ambivalence that feels the worst. Not knowing what to do... Once one has made a decision (either way) its like the pressure, the tension, the burden has lifted. And then things go all calm (numb).
But maybe its about lack of alternatives...
Maybe... You could have phoned your p-doc and after a chat with her you might have felt better.
Maybe... You could have phoned your p-doc and after a chat with her she might have written you a note on compassionate grounds.
Maybe... There could have been another way...
Instead of ODing... Maybe you could try and explain to them how you are feeling. About how bad you are feeling. About how you are starting to feel like ODing is the only way to help you feel better.That might do it...
I reckon its worth a try...I still get this stuff sometimes.
But not as often.
And I don't think my moods are as intense as they used to be.
Well, not as intense as often at any rate.
But it still happens.
Yeah.
But it does get better.
And when I'm in a good place
I pretty nearly forget all those bad times
And life does seem worth living
And I'm pleased with some of the things I have done / am doing.
I hope...
That things will be like that for you too.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:545022
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/studs/20050329/msgs/545077.html