![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 235 to 259 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2014, at 19:34:25
In reply to Re: bugs » Twinleaf, posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 19:36:26
> Ohhh - Kayyy. It wasn't my intent, at all, to make you feel worse. I'm not sure how a post that expresses confidence in your intelligence and potential for excellence, and suggests that you allow those qualities time to come to the forefront, so that you can also have full confidence in them, can be all that stressful. But, I guess it was......
I guess I focused on other aspects of your post.
> I think we all tend to lose our tempers more when we are under more stress. I certainly do, even though I know it's really not in my own best interest. I think that's all I was trying to say to you.
Yes, indeed that is true.
I should know you better than to think that you were snarky or something like that with me... I was very stressed. I'm sorry for reacting so strongly.
A large part of it has been my coming to terms with the fact that I need to take another year. I suspect that you are right... That I can do it. Do the whole lab myself... While simultaneously teaching it all to my lab partner... But it will take some more time. For simple things to become automatic to reduce the cognitive load. And as I relax a bit I'm more likely to be better able to figure out how to connect with similarly motivated students...
I feel quite angry that it needs to take so long. It could be done in considerably less time if all the kids who wanted to faff about would go faff someplace else. But... Well... You get what you pay for. Or something. It will take a few years to find my way up.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 20, 2014, at 20:02:19
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2014, at 19:34:25
Thanks, Alex -I really do appreciate your understanding response.
I have gotten the impression that you never got an opportunity to take the math and science in high school that so many people take. Of course I am comparing the US and NZ, and I don't know at all what is usually taught in NZ high schools.
Maybe taking an additional preparatory year will really help fill in those presumed gaps. Just take the number of courses you can comfortably handle. The goal would be to avoid panic, get comfortable and confident - and then just ace those courses!
Posted by alexandra_k on August 21, 2014, at 2:02:49
In reply to Re: bugs » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 20, 2014, at 20:02:19
> Thanks, Alex -I really do appreciate your understanding response.
Thats okay. Sorry it took me so long to get to it.
I think it is so hard because doing my PhD... Then deciding that I wanted to do medicine... Seeing friends decide the same thing for themselves... Seeing them getting accepted to graduate entry programs in Australia. Then getting an interview for NZ and that seemed to go well... And then not even being wait-listed for a place. I felt devastated, rather.
Then taking a bunch of time out... Then deciding it was time to get serious... Then... It feels like to me... Wasting last year on the whole physiotherapy tangent. This year was supposed to be me being back on track. Annoying... Taking a year to do the competitive entry to medicine thing... Felt like I was delaying things for a year having to do that.
Then learning that I needed to take a year to prepare for that year. So this year is preparation for that delay... Then... Coming to terms with another year to prepare... I'll be retired before I'm ready to begin it feels like! How can people say that life is too long!
But, yeah...
I'm thinking I might see if I can take the Chemistry paper I took this year again next year. Don't know if I can. I got a B+ for it which means I got a good 1/4 of it wrong... And I did sh*t for all the labs so I could learn a lot from doing it again... And get my A something or other next time around. Build a lot of confidence. Not sure if I'm allowed... Probably they will be happy to take my money...
I never did math... Or any science. Well, I did biology my final year and just scraped through on general knowledge. I have faint memories of Hardy Weinberg equations but I messed them up for the exam, anyway.
I was an English Lit, History, Art History, kind of person. Classical Studies. I have no math, basically, yeah. No chemistry or physics... And yeah, a bunch of kids have been geeking out on rockets and planets and explosives and so on and so forth... Guns... airplanes... Since they were, like, 7. Ha. will take a bit to catch up.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 21, 2014, at 7:25:01
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 21, 2014, at 2:02:49
The usual way of doing things here (US) is to take some math and a science for at least three years of high school. Even in the less good schools, you get geometry, beginning algebra, biology and chemistry. If it's.a better school, you will also get physics and calculus and probably two chemistry courses.
If you had had that preparation, it would have been much easier for you to move comfortably into pre-med.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 23, 2014, at 17:11:58
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by Twinleaf on August 21, 2014, at 7:25:01
well, yes, the math science background you just said... same thing here. i just... don't have the background. so people said i couldn't do it... and i wouldn't accept that... so... i'm doing what i'm doing now, i guess...
feeling really very flat, actually. guess it is par for the course 3/4 of the way through the academic year. we don't have a 'spring break' culture the way the US does... but they do seem to be doing something... with respect to the break. i've got 3 major tests before the study break. i wish they were after the break. then i'd be able to study through the break and i'd feel better prepared for them. only... lecturers would rather do their grading during a teaching recess so they want to do the tests before the break... it will mean i can take a couple days off or something during the break... i think i need it, honestly. and i have a little grading to be doing...
i'm just not caring particularly. i'm feeling like... i'm only doing animal biology because it was meant to prepare me for cell and devo... and i guess aspects are a bit... but mostly... i'm not particularly interested in it... and the physiology stuff is interesting... but we do it at a very superficial level... and some of the philogony stuff doesn't seem terribly far removed from mythology... just waiting for the angels and god at the end of it... adding 'this isn't to imply that humans are at the apex of the evolutionary hierarchy' to the concluding paragraph doesn't... remidy(?) things, particularly... i think... we haven't quite gotten things particularly clear in our way of thinking... which is perhaps why philosophers are working on it. i just... i'm not particularly interested, honestly. i'm sorry... maybe it is just the time of year...
physics... my numbers still don't seem to come out right. feels to me like every calculation requires about 6 steps and even if i get 5 of them right (f*ck*ng yay!!!) and see which steps i need to do / equations i need to employ - i'm still bound to f*ck up one of them. which means i get NO MARKS. :( just stupid things... x10^-3 instead of x10^3 for the unit conversion... or... whatever... hitting the minus instead of the negation button on my calculator... not seeing what rearrangement i need to do to the equation to get what i need... sigh.
law is... history... tedious. i don't know what to say... there is plussage (our grade for the test only contributes to 20% of the grade if we do better on the test than the final)... so... i've got other things to be studying...
fairly sure it is the time of year.
and then i have a chunk of grading next week. just a tiny chunk, actually. only 1 class worth (where 2 is usual). so... should be done in 2-3 days...
I guess... Physics. practice practice practice...
it is also... i guess it is also a bit of a shock to my system that i'm not doing as well as i thought i'd do. i mean... last semester with just taking chemistry... i really thought i'd ace things. and then the first test went really well. but then labs were sh*t. and then things fell apart for the second test, rather, in a way that... was fairly soul destroying for me, actually. physics... physics tests... i'm worried, i guess, that it will be that... doing my best... working hard to prepare for it... just... not being able to do it. i guess it is like they said before... lots of kids spend several years at high school doing this stuff... what makes you think you can just come in with no background and do well in it? and i was like... 'study skills'. and in a sense... that is true. i have an ability to focus that lots of 18 year olds simply don't have... and a work ethic... i have different priorities... but not different from perhaps the top quarter of them... those who have worked hard... so... i don't know what to say... just do my best, i suppose. remember that law was supposed to be a pick me up not a drag me down... physics... onward ho....
Posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2014, at 2:29:45
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 23, 2014, at 17:11:58
meh.
learned about birds today, that was kinda cool. counter-current exchange... how they breathe... how they can fly over mount everest. seems a few things went wrong with people on our way to become gods after all, heh.
i had a memory from primary school today... something about circuits. about having these little wooden boards with switches on them. about wire... little light bulbs. from when i was... 6 or 7... and today... the right hand rule... how the f*ck is it that i remember that one? holy crap...
feymann... talking about explanation... about background frameworks for explanation... and i see why it is particularly hard for people to answer my questions in physics... precisely because i don't know anything... sigh.
had a meeting with the learning people today... the disability people who deal with academics, apparently... as opposed to the other branch i was dealing with before that deals with... pastoral care. or something. i don't know. f*ck*ng confusing... anyway... it went okay, i guess. i think i may have clicked with one of them. the other one... not, really. just that thing again of just really not being on the same page / not being able to communicate. anyway... apparently one of them will contact me in a couple weeks... i hope it is the one i clicked with a bit better... the one who obviously knows about OY1 and didn't ask me to explain it etc...
anyway... biology is getting very messy since i don't have a physical copy of the text... in fact... i suspect... that is what i should do right now: go see if i can get one. better a 6th edition or whatever the f*ck it is in the hand than a 10th edition on the computer. sigh. i really do have to buy textbooks...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 26, 2014, at 19:30:13
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2014, at 2:29:45
law test... went okay. not amazing, but not horrible. feel... fairly okay... fingers crossed for some kind of an A... i do hope that is on the cards...
lab today... exhausted. wah!
then physics test tomorrow :( then court...
then biology test the next day...
then: collapse. then grading.
so tempted to not go to lab and to sleep.. . then study for physics... but borrowing time... shuffles the stress about rather than alleviating things.
dissection of a fishy fish fish. oh joy. and i'm supposed to be playing hide and f*ck*ng seek about fish parts... our lab manual is full of rhetorical questions. whose supposed to be teaching whom hmm? hmm? hrmmmmmm?
sigh.
so tired.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 0:35:23
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 26, 2014, at 19:30:13
well that was actually... fun. we had to put the relevant parts inside circles on a paper tray... and different people had different species... and they put on some music... and i am (slowly) getting the hang of biological drawing...
I got a nice email back from the teaching learning development people... i think maybe they were testing me a little bit...
anyway... i think another year is the thing to do. i'm starting to get a sense of science as being an accumulation of facts... and building up the knowledge... and another year of knowledge can only help. and a lab intensive year... so i can relax more the following year...
important for me to have good contacts, though. so if i do have problems... hopefully a solution can be figured before it gets to panic attack and nearly failing stage - like what happened with chemistry last semester.
physics test tomorrow... right now... i need to sleep. fingers crossed for something approximating a b... oh dear. i am not very good at physics :(
oh.. he showed us this hand turbine magnet (maybe that was what it was) made out of a fisher and paykal washing machine inside. turn the handle and... it powered a light bulb... and an energy saving one, too. i was like 'could it power a tv?' it was amazing how different the resistence felt ... thinking... people who sit and watch tv all day... imagine if you had to power it via a seated bike / hand bike / rower... or an exercise equipment that could... power your washing machine to wash your gym gear at least. ha. anyway... pretty cool... just... still (conceptually) back at force and latter sections of mechanics... got some stuff with electrodynamics... but statics still a bit problematic and magnetism is just woosh right over me for now...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:31:22
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 0:35:23
physics was... i don't know. could have been worse. but then, i could have done better. and i probably did a whole heap worse than i think i did. i work all... impressionistic. then working back through touching up various parts... calculating a different answer with numerous revisions and touch ups... i just don't work particularly... methodically... sequentially... but i didn't freeze up entirely. and i didn't feel rushed. except for the brainwave i had right at the very end... that i didn't have time to compute...
court was...
i think i would probably do a better job of representing myself, honestly.
i keep track of details whereas lawyers... barely seem to read the summary before court appearance. all the stuff i sent my lawyer... don't think she read any of it.
the judge said something about how i might want to think about some kind of reparation. i wrote an apology letter already. lawyer seemed to have forgotten that. then afterwards was tryign to persuade me to say that i want to do anger management next time. she didn't read my f*ck*ng statemnt in whcih i made it clear it wasnt' an anger thing. ffs. judge said a lot of paperwork to be done... which i've done already... which lawyer has done none of.
apparently lawyer needs to get some affadavit thing... for me to sign. lets see what kind of a job she manages to do of that...
i really think... she's looking out for herself...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:39:58
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:31:22
and it was a different court. a... higher up? court. something... protocol was observed more... still awkwardly at times. the self consciousness that occurs when it isn't observed thoroughly enough to be simply natural... someone entering in the room keeping her head down - out of the judges sight... but forgetting to close the door behind her so beep beep f*ck*ng beep... the noises of people *trying* to be quiet... felt a bit like... playing court. which is... a bit crap, really. given that it *is* court.
and people are only capable of playing court in the presence of the judge. get lawyers and police officers and clerks together when the judge is out of the room and it is all about how drunk people got over the weekend... and joking around about some violent guy who might be putting in an appearance, how they'd sic one of the cops on him 'go get him xx... get him, get him'. the cop was 'we're just kidding around' in my direction... sort of realising the inappropriateness of it all but... people simply can't help themselves.
i wonder if high court is similar.
?
court of appeal
?
at what point to people just get on with the job. at what point to people display a little... class? i think that is it... i see a lot of tacky tacky tacky. happy puppy jostling... just generally... why don't more people display a bit of class? thinking about what it means... uh... i guess... guys tend to find what it means to respect a lady when they have a daughter they care for. i don't entirely know what i'm saying... perhaps it is an age thing... i wonder where i'd be right now... what i'd be doing... if i'd have gotten into something like law or medicine back when i was 18 like the other kiddies. maybe it is just about my having grown out of the kiddie pool already... i don't know.
female judge. i'm not sure what to say... who knows what will happen... i think next appearance will be the last., anyway.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:46:15
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:39:58
i think i really will see about this affadavit thing... and if i'm not impressed by my lawyers handing of it - then i'll elect to represent myself.
i think... my lawyer wants me to say i'll do an anger management course because it is something she's been taught as a template of reparation for people who have done what i've just pleaded guilty for. the fact that i'm telling her that i don't have an anger problem (i didn't hit her out of anger) is something that her poor brain doens't seem able to compute. i believe... the judges brain is probably up to it, however.
sigh.
i think i can represent myself... if i turn up a bit early and observe procedure... then attempt to imitate it best i can (and say i'm choosing to represent myself) i think... they will help me along / put up with a little bit of protocol whoopsies given the circumstances.
i think... things might go better for me with the judge than my trying to work through a lawyer who has it set in their mind that if i want to help myself (and of course make their job seem easier to them) then i'd simply offer to do an anger management course. because... i don't expect she will put much into her paperwork... and i don't expect the quality to be stellar even if she did, honestly.
anyway... maybe i'm being unfair. i suspect not.
we will see what the affadvait looks like. at least it will give me a templalte.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 10:14:34
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:46:15
I think I failed the physics tests. A lot of the questions are worth two marks, but I think you need the right answer to get any of them. It isn't that you get a mark for a valid general strategy, and a mark for calculation. I think I mostly got the strategy. Not always... Maybe 3/4 of the time. But with inaccurate calculation it is worth precisely what othing. And there it is. There really isn't anything gradewise to distinguish my efforts from the students who complete their homeworks by extracting the answers out of other people. And there it is. So sick of the kiddie pool...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 21:39:07
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 10:14:34
of course i'm not going to end up representing myself... i'm just exhausted. that horrible cranky over-tired. this week really has been the week from hell with all the assessments and lab... then extra stuff with court and the learning needs people... and grading stuff i wasn't meant to start thinking about till next week but got sent some stuff on that so it's started swirling around in there already...
at least i'm not sick. a lot of people are. most people aren't showing up to classes this week... which will only pressure them more with the approach to exam (since stuff this week will surely show for that). i guess i'm fighting off something though... slept early last night (instead of studying). tossed and turned much of the night. still exhausted... biology test tonight. 6.30-8.30 on a Friday just before break. for a 35% test. Bastards. on a lab week, too. Bastards. I'm certainly not as prepared as I should be... Can put in a couple hours now... Then nap for an hour... Then just do the best I can.
Take a benzo tonight so I don't toss and turn all night. Take the weekend off... Grading early next week... Then lots and lots of reading I need to do... Prereading for the second half... Practicing calculations for physics... Last test (that I probably failed) only worth 10%. Guess they know... 60% for the exam... I hope things come together better for me then. Practice... Practice... Practice... I was capable of doing them. They weren't particularly hard. It was just... Freaking out. Freaking out and rushing and stupid errors... Hard after writing a law exam... Glad to have the exam early right after the last test...
Garbeled... Sorry... Exam timetable just went up. Physics test (10%) last day of semester. Then 6 days before physics exam. Then 7 days before biology exam. Then 3 days before law exam. Kinda wish a little more time before law - but I"ll be stuffed by then, honestly. Good to get physics done early - just after the test. When I'm in... Physics mode. Then cramming for bio. Then... Reading for law. She wants more names and dates and section this and maaori phrase that... Which is all fair... But takes time... And while I have been doing the readings I haven't been summarising them quite the way I should be... And, uh, I did them before the semester started, really, in a blitz of a day or two... And refresh a bit as I'm able, but, uh, not well enough, really. I'll get the rest of them done before we start back after break, of course. But that isn't really good enough... I knows... Sigh. Not enough hours...
I am starting to get interested in international law... stuff about infant milk formula and growing vaccines in tobacco plants and so on... baby gammy... disability discrimination... the role of... society... culture... even judges are governed by popular opinion... you don't want a revolution, i guess... how the treaty is being used over here to protect us kiwis from foreign exploitation... how it can be... it is a way of interpreting things... how lawyers / judges have started... but how the public and politicians don't really understand as yet... they still fear it... think that the law is giving more to maaori than to middle class white folk... mmm hmm... in protecting us from being exploited by foreign corporations and from sh*tt*ng too badly in our own nests... anyway... getting more interesting... which might well be for the best... since this whole medicine thing... well... the uni isn't set up to prepare people for the 'hard' courses so much as being happy to take everybodies money... i probably don't have a chance of doing well enough... and even if i did well enough i think the interviewers are more interested in how medicine has been in my family for generations than anything else.. for a position that involves managing teams of allied health professionals so well they don't even know they are being managed. maybe something like law would be better for me... i don't know... i guess i should have a frank conversation with some academic people i know about realistic.... options... that might open up for me were i to pursue that path...
playing happy puppy games with other lawyers / judges clerks / police... doesn't really do it for me, i mean. if that is part of the job description... i'm not sure i could do... would like... i'd probably be more of a judges lawyer but then... i'm sure a lot of people would prefer to do that...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 21:46:33
In reply to Re: exhausted, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 21:39:07
and i can get a 10th edition of campbell's biology for $300. and i should just do it. just suck it up and do it. because textbooks are... everything to me, really. it really is a wonderful book... with wonderfully vivid diagrams etc... well written... to get lost in that in a focused way... for hours on end... so i develop a mental picture of it's pages... that is the way to do that. and i can't do it with old library books that i don't have good access to... it just isn't the same... i should have done it a bit before... but it was $400 a couple months ago... will probably be too late for animal biology... but will help me a lot with intro to bio next year... and biochemistry... and then with cell biology the year after... it won't date over the next two years... i suppose it's likely to be the nostalga book i'll keep... sigh. seems f*ck*ng insane since i *still* haven't brought new socks after getting shoes. crunchy socks make me unhappy :(
Posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2014, at 17:56:23
In reply to Re: exhausted, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 21:46:33
lab went better...
but still feels so very vulnerable indeed. with respect to whether they stay good or whether they deteriorate.
i seem to need to draw some kind of firm boundary with my lab partner each session. about her thinking about whether she might have a flat edge somewhere in her bag (e.g., some kind of bank or id card) because her borrowing my ruler to draw 25+ lines in a lab session is going to be a really very serious inconvenience to me... about how i wasn't happy with her copying my title and labels last time, that i'd spent a couple hours preparing for the lab before the lab and that was how i was managing to keep up with the time management aspects of the lab.
it is... exhausting. and i feel pissy because i can't believe that she asks. i know from linehan's whole DBT thing that apparently one shouldn't feel bad for asking / making a request, that the other person can say 'no'. but i don't actually believe that. i think that there are certain requests that are inappropriate. that ask too much. that are perhaps immoral, even (that constitute cheating). that the act of making a request can be a serious imposition on a person... especially those encultured to be helpful and kind and so on... or whatever...
mostly the issue is one of... doing what we are supposed to be doing... without cheating, yeah. we are only supposed to draw what we have seen. so what do you do if you don't see it? you can have a note that you didn't see it... but then what is to stop lazy people saying they didn't see much in the way of anything? how do you grade that? in a class full of people who can't be trusted to... display moral behaviour / integrity... that seems to be what it comes down to.
2nd lab things almost went horribly wrong... we were given slides and were told to draw that and put, like, 15 labels on structures... and the demonstrator put up a tv projection of a slide with those labels (and a bunch more) already put on it. was a bit of a task simply to copy that down and put the appropriate labels in, honestly. not many people got out their microscopes, but i thought one should probably follow instructions... so i spent a good 5 minutes setting up the microscope for viewing etc etc etc... and the slide looked nothing at all like her drawing. so i start to draw what i can see... then when it comes to labeling i have a problem because it looks nothing like her drawing. so i ask her for help... and she starts telling me that what i'm seeing isn't what i'm seeking... that things i've drawn as distinct structures are actually bits of a single structure. that there are edges where i don't see edges... etc etc... that there are problems with artifacts of staining and preparation etc etc... the slide is from, like, 1995... but of course the problem for me is that i simply don't see any of that.
and so of course things are about to go pear shaped.
i just... handed in what i'd done. what i'd drawn from what i'd seen. and i put in labels as best i could... but honestly, i couldn't see inside from outside... i didn't have any f*ck*ng idea of what the hell was going on... a bit unclear from the grading what happened with it. guess i got the good old standby of 'everybody gets a B-' (until we really decide screw you like what happened with chemistry labs)...
last lab...
they said we could choose whether to draw our specimen or whether to copy the picture. and of course everyone elected to copy the picture... then with the fish... different people got different varieties... and apparently mine was most problematic because it was smaller... and it had been frozen and defrosted... which meant that some of the internal structures might have been destroyed. it ended up not having a spleen... and so they told me that i needed to say that - and say *why* i didn't have a sample of that for the grader and so then i wouldn't be penalised. and then later... we got told we weren't allowed to copy the pictures... we had to draw from our own specimins... and i couldn't see the different parts of the heart... but it turned out that there were different parts to what was the same structure. and it turned out that my fish had retractable fins - which i didn't know fish could have. so that was cool. and the structures we couldn't see on most specimens... turned out we could feel by poking at them because we were meant to draw a transverse section showing the bones...
so all that was cool...
and i could relax and enjoy things a bit more...
but then the clean up bins are all labelled 'don't put fish parts in here'! and i simply don't understand... why they didn't have bins labelled 'gloves' and 'paper trays' and 'fish parts' so people knew WHERE to put things instead of just getting stuck... i don't understand...
i'm sure that bio-med labs will go much much much much much better... only... i won't get to do them :( because they stream you... so they put all the bio-med kids together :( so i'm going to have the same f*ck*ng problem next year of the 'physiology' kids (who i've got now) and then the 'health science' kids (lots of chatty kathys hoping to marry a doctor, i bet). sigh.
it will be alright in the end... but it will take me a couple years to get to that...
that is the problem... it isn't like i can just suck it up and i'll get there in the end... the risk is that the lab people simply don't get what the f*ck my problem is... they tell me to quit being a whiny little bitch or whatever (or decide to fail me for - for instance, not copying the picture)... and i start having panic attacks / needing to leave.
i simply don't understand...
i needed to walk out of the physics study room the other day because there was this girl there... she took a photo of someone elses page for their assignment (to copy it down later). her boyfriend AND the extra help tutor were telling her what to write every step of the way for one of the other problems... they were kinda sheepish about it... telling her to put this and that into her calculator... telling her to write this and that down... like they were walking through her work... i simply don't understand why she couldn't do the moral thing of 'you know what, i simply can't do this problem' and leave it f*ck*ng blank.
i don't get it.
but i can't function in an environment where just copying things down *despite instructions to the contrary* or her kinda working *while signing the front page: this assignment is my own work* is... the norm. those kids... will do well enough to make it such that i only come out with some kind of a B-... especially if i keep f*ck*ng up exams from panic and i get no marks for identifying a valid strategy for solving the problem...
anyway... physics... not so much in my future... biology labs... worry me. i know i'll be alright at them eventually... the issue is not having meltdowns about things that *won't be there later anyway* on the path to getting there.
this kind of thing... is hard... because people are inclined to think that i'm a whiny little bitch who needs to be punished.... that i'm smart i'll be okay on my own they need to prioritise the kids who would put their fish parts everywhere all over the f*ck*ng place (and who still did *DESPITE* the way the bins were labelled). sigh.
first year... for another three years. sigh.
but: lab seems to be going generally okay...
uh.. so i can't tell whether / how this might be imaginitus... but i think there might be another 'tutor' present in lab rooms... to help the demonstrator clarify things in helpful ways at various points where i start to get really very agitated about something... so i haven't been having meltdowns. i'm not entirely sure... but i'm just really f*ck*ng happy that labs do seem to be gradually getting better rather than disintegrating into a big heap of sh*t like what happened with chemistry... fingers crossed that things continue on that way...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 20:11:00
In reply to Re: exhausted, posted by alexandra_k on August 30, 2014, at 17:56:23
i do spend quite a bit of time in bed. under the covers. i've never been entirely sure what it was about. it certainly isn't about the cold... i think i've worked it out. it is about the weight. having the weight of them on me. that's how come i've got a heavy wool duvet and a feather one... the feather one isn't enough weight for me to feel properly comfortable.
another thing... i've started to realise i have trouble saying 'goodbye' to people. as in... leaving social situations. i guess i thought it was about my not being properly socialised... and then smoking gave me a reason (and precedence) for sneaking out / off for a bit... anyway... i would always tag my leaving onto another person. so instead of saying goodbye to me they were saying goodbye to the both of us. and i'd just follow that person around while they did their thing of saying goodbye.
i think it is because i don't like the hugs and kisses or whatever. i cringe about it, really. and i don't like to be the focus of the group at any rate. and i'm not good at being patient and listening politely while people finish their current conversation and it seems odd to do that just to say goodbye. then there is this whole thing people do of being about ready to say goodbye then acting like they really don't want to go - the conversation is too interesting or whatever. like they have a kerfuffle about who pays for whatever 'let me get this' 'no, you got it last time - let me get it' and you make a social blunder if you don't protest enough or if you protest too much or whatever... anyway... odd, huh. but that is one of the things that makes socialising too stressful. saying goodbye. weird, huh.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 20:19:46
In reply to Re: couple realisations, posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 20:11:00
oh. i got busy with the printer. seemed like the thing to do, really. under the circumstances. and i looked and i looked... and seems that there is a new anatomy and physiology book... but can't find it anywhere... and so i really think... that with some of the grading money i get shortly... i'm going to get that. because the thing to do is internalise the book properly. i looked at it again... and i have studied anatomy and physiology before... at tech... yeah, it was tech, but we actually covered a lot of ground... with an equally good (but different) text... anyway... i see that it is basic stuff, really. one really would need to internalise ALL of it by about the end of ones second year, yeah. nostolga book again... anyway... i think i will get it... looking through it... i AM excited about HAPS... really very. law fades into the background... i'm not entirely sure what to do about next year, honestly. can i cope with another year like this year? perhaps i really should use the summer to internalise the relevant sections of campbell's bio and the haps book and of course... i have some website stuff for organic and the book with problem sets in it.... access to past years chemistry exams... perhaps it really is time to launch myself in...
remembering back to that one day i went to OY1 lectures... and the kids were... different. there were some chatty girls - but most people seemed to be giving them a bit of a wide berth... maybe... maybe it really is the thing to do.
i looked at the medsci website again for HAPS and they have a bunch of stuff up there on learning styles and on how to learn. really very good stuff... i feel... at home there. i am going to. it is going to be okay. it is. maybe it is time. worst case... i need to spend another 2 years getting a degree before applying... i don't suppose that would be so very very bad. that might well be better than another scrappy year... i think it might.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 23:54:25
In reply to Re: couple realisations, posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 20:19:46
so the learning lady... the one who (i'm feeling really very bad about thinking that) i didn't click with so very much... has just sent me links to a whole heap of information about the medical program / degree. i don't know how she found it (bet she found the relevant people to ask) because i looked and i looked and i looked...
and there is masses of content, really. including great whopping manuals that the students need to sign that they've read at the start of the year about the structure of the course and requirements and regulations and competencies and so on and so forth...
and it gets me feeling very happy / excited about the whole thing. it was what physio was sorta kinda trying to do (some of them)... clear... and there was a bit about how you they asked you to consider things... about whether you were willing to sign a consent form to act as a model for other students... how the tutors weren't allowed to penalise you if you chose not to.
wow.
i honestly didn't think that would be an option. physio wouldn't consider it (not even on disability grounds). i didn't think it would be an option...
which is precisely what makes it possible for me to do it. perhaps. sometimes. since one doesn't have the power to say yes if one doesn't have the power to say no and make it stick...
couldn't even opt out of it for skin folds for personal training (even when most gyms don't let trainers do the grab the flab test anyway because most clients find it far too invasive).
anyway...
i had just got it into my head to have another scrapy year next year... and now i see... that isn't the thing to do. i see that. really. i do. i need to get the textbooks... internalising them... is everything, really. everything for next year. some safety net on labs... time with the books over summer so i really do internalise them... screw law... i'm sorry... sorry sorry sorry sorry but... i really do want to do medsci. since... always, really. just never thought i could... guess... i'm chosen to try. huh. fingers crossed for me. i'll surely need more than a little bit of luck...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 1:21:57
In reply to Re: couple realisations, posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2014, at 23:54:25
quite proud of myself, actually. i've just realised that i actually did get through the week from hell. after my near meltdown of the previous week (losing then finding my wallet etc)... i've only taken 1 benzo... despite planning a couple more of them... sometimes just saying to myself 'i'll take one tonight for some relief' is enough for me to get some relief. i think the idea / thought of them is at least as helpful as their actual product. and... something about knowing that a doc trusted me with prescribing them for me.
and i did some study on monday. learned how important the textbook was... know i got 5+ of the multiguess wrong - know what the answer to those questions is, now...
i have some grading... but a bit of a process to get access to it... getting my account set up and me added to the course... needs to be done by monday... but only 30 papers so could do it in 2 days or 2 and a half... and i have 6 days... or 5 if i need to get a friend to access them for me... it will be okay. grateful for not having them just yet. some playing in the gym... didn't really get to the gym last week...
reading *for fun* seems to be the key. *for enjoyment*. ideally... before bed or something. then i can 'remember' my way through what i've read (the section headers / key concepts / bolded terms / labelled drawings) while i'm going off to sleep... that seems to be how stuff gets down there...
black and white photocopied... stapling it up like a textbook... two page spread... figured how to highlight different sections / key concepts in different colors... helping to distinguish...
*for fun*. having the time... the... relaxation... to play with the concepts in my mind. i think that really is key. you get the obscure little factoids that you'd never have thought to intentionally memorise... that often times do turn up in the tests / exams... and if you have done your reading *for fun* then if you trust your multiguess intuition... your intuition is actually pretty good...
remembering back to psychology as an undergrad... getting all my textbooks for the year... spending a couple months before classes started reading through the textbooks *for fun*. and then... i barely managed to glance at them during the actual semester. not enough time. only really time for reminders.
what will suck most about next year... is having so very many really interesting classes all at once. it is a shame i couldnt' do 2 at a time and really get to focus on them... still... that is a pretty good complaint to have, i suppose.
i feel really awful for printing the book... not all of it... not much of it (given how many chapters there freaking are). if i could actually buy it in this hemisphere i would. but i've tried (and tried and tried and f*ck*ng gone above and beyond with getting the bookshop to look into it and they said they couldn't stock it...) and it is for personal study only. so...
my learning.
that's what it is / what is at stake her.
sorry... but i have an opportunity to learn animal bio now that won't recurr... and i think aspects of it will help me understand people better...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 20:31:43
In reply to Re: couple realisations, posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 1:21:57
happy, i am.
when i get out of the habit of getting to the gym i forget how happy it makes me feel. the weather is glorious. *this* is the *sub-tropical* climate they advertised this country as being... so happy not to be living in substandard wooden wet and cold accommodation in the slushy snow down south...
has been taking a bit of time to get me access to the grading... even though i got the ball rolling on that first thing monday morning. apparently it will take overnight so i should have access tomorrow. if so... that works out really very perfectly for me, actually. i can do 15 papers per day (in batches of 5 at a time - which is basically 2.5/3 hours for each batch and a LOT of faffing about otherwise)... and i'll need to get cracking on it (no procrastination time!) to get the grades to the lecturer and confirmed as okay (should give her at least two days to do that since it will be her weekend - sorry - that really was non-ideal)... before entering them into moodle... really... if i had access to them on monday... i'd still be procrastinating starting on it... and i'd be feeling guilty as hell... so... i think... ideal, really. ideal.
i need to go fetch some more chapters... i have learned about kidneys. pretty cool. i didn't know anything about the urinary system before. i do enjoy the comparative animal physiology... i'm just less keen on the philogeny stuff.
i have been learning about systems... and about the idea of body plans and key adaptations (e.g., tissues (sponges have cell specialisation only - no tissues) and dorsal hollow nerve cords and amniotic eggs... and about how different critters have different energy budgets... that it takes energy to (for instance) pump solutes against the concentration gradient... anyway... all this stuff is mysterious to the philosopher in me... but it is pretty f*ck*ng cool to get to be learning about them. in a context where they really don't seem mysterious at all...
anyway... i need to go fetch some more chapters. muscle tissue and nerve tissue as tissue that the fungus and plants don't get to have... yippee... memories... from psychology and exercise science... but a different perspective now with a little (teeny) bit of chemistry and physics behind me, now... hmm.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 23:01:20
In reply to Re: happy, posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 20:31:43
i didn't do so well on the physics test. i passed. for which i am grateful. looks like B- is going to be my friend... I did worse than average. Which is very worrying, actually. This test is only worth 10% so doesn't really matter... But what hope is there that I can do better in the exam????? I am not very good at physics. Sigh. And the problem is... That it is only going to get harder... Optics... There are circles in optics - right? Radians and stuff like that? Hopefully there will be a little revision for thermodynamics? Can but hope.
I didn't do so well in law, either. In fact... Uh... I did worse. She sort of rightly pointed out that I didn't appear to know anything about the case... Uh... I almost didn't sit the exam at all... Since I really didn't have any time to study for it... Plussage for the win?? Rather more surprisingly... She accused me of not answering the question. Hur. I thought I was a master of angle (in that sense)... I guess not... It will be very interesting indeed to see the couple of best ones she's going to pick out, type up, and make accessible. I think... I really don't have much in the way of an idea of what the hell she's looking for... What a law essay is supposed to look like. I mean... Aside from facts about cases. Uh... Maybe only facts about cases? I suppose that would make some kinda sorta sense... I don't really know how to focus on legal aspects... Just kept thinking that I really wasn't much of an historian. Guess I'm not much of a lawyer either. Sigh.
So much for doing really well this year to get my confidence up for next year... I'm just going to have to hope that I fit better with next year...
I need to hold onto that I DID do well in organic... the first test especially. and I did alright in the exam... And I didn't get to revise it at all... And I even did alright in that lab. I found that lab clearer than usual and I could do most of the work before the lab... So... I like the cell biology and I like the physiology... Don't much like all the animals or the phylogenetics... But all this is cool. She'll be right. Yeah?
Posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2014, at 18:00:03
In reply to Re: happy, posted by alexandra_k on September 2, 2014, at 23:01:20
so the wonderful wonderful wonderful learning lady passed on this link for me... and i've been able to view the manuals that the med students are given (and have to sign off they have read) about the med program... and so i spent a few hours last night reading through that...
and things start off mostly okay. the first two years very science focused. they do have a cadaver lab and they also have an imitation clinic, thing. you don't have to act as a model for other students - they won't penalise you if you don't provide your consent. i guess i thought... things mostly seemed okay. and your cadaver died of something and you have to figure out (with your team who is all working on the same one) what that might be... over the course of the year... so that sounds kinda cool, actually.
and then in the third year they transition you a bit to 'real patients'. and i guess that is simply one of those things that they never can totally prepare you for and either you take to it or you... do not. not much transition though, really. you... follow a pregnant woman through till the baby gets born and stuff. as a way of learning about that. infant development. i really liked that, actually. as a way of learning about that. i guess that little kids concern me because i have no experience with them, really. i've never even held a baby. i have no idea how i would feel. i think it would be alright because (this will sound odd and bad)... it would be on my own terms. i would have the power to put it down. i choose to pick it up. it isn't like it grabs at my leg when i'm least expecting it... not for a few more years, at least... there was another special study like that as well... i can't quite remember what it was but it sounded really wonderful, again.
then your fourth year you have a bunch of placements through different areas. and the class gets split off and people get shipped off... that worries me, actually. the idea of being shipped off to who knows where...
the books... the tone of them progressively changes. they are all sort of cuddly almost early on. all... friendly. later on they are all 'you have to do this or else y will happen to you' (e.g., you have to get your *ss to maaori week or else you won't pass the year) or you have to get to y day or else you will be in danger of not passing competency requirements... i guess... attitudes change over the years... and it looks like the attitudes of the student docs becomes progressively 'do i have to?' 'do i have to, really?' and 'but what if i don't?????'
but then noticing things like how you have to work one long day per week... how you have to be on call up to 10pm one day per week. how in your 4th year you get one 1/2 day per week for study. not just individual - but group tutorial activities are chucked into that time... then only 1/2 a day every two weeks in your fifth year... and tutorial activities again... and i see why 'do i have to? i mean, really? what if i don't?' might start to catch on... then something about if the house doc gets sick or goes on leave and you are in your 6th year you can take on their duties for up to three weeks... AND NOT GET PAID BECAUSE IT IS A WONDERFUL LEARNING OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU! mmm hmm... i see...
and there is A LOT about how... you are expected to be proactive about seeing patients. and about holding instruments in a very long operation is probably not the best use of your time. and about how being given after hours access etc etc is a privaledge that you have a glorious learning opportunity 'do I HAVE to match the hours of the house doc???'
oh dear.
the... uh... the areas of med i was most worried about... pediatrics... obgyn... psychiatry, even... are saved up for near the end. year 5 or 6, i forget. guess they are saving them up for increased emotional maturity.
there were various things that reassured me. they were pretty clear on how you were NOT to write prescriptions, sign death certificates, request labs etc etc etc. all these things mean a big whopping safeguard about being dumped with too much responsibility, i think. and so your supervising people can't think you are too much of a pain in the *ss for bothering senior people all the time... because you simply have to. no way around it.
the thing that sticks out as concerning for me is... probably the thing that is most concerning for all. which is a great shame, really. because... it does affect me more, i think. but it also affects us all. and there simply won't be any shortage of people trying to get accommodations for it.
- placement. with respect to sorting out accommodation and transport. especially the case since i don't drive. and i know full well i do not want to go to some rural place where they can clear out the paddock next door and pitch me a tent :(
where i live currently... i'm a 15-20 minute walk from the hospital. so i could be on call from here, i guess. i could get to the hospital in 20 minutes if pushed. any time of the day or night. tauranga or rotorua... buses don't run particularly late. and they only run every 30 minutes or so. so i'd need to... get accommodation very close... or take a cab. or maybe get a bike. or ideally (i suppose) get a f*ck*ng motorbike lisence. since most places require you to use street parking anyway and good luck with that unless it really is middle of the night... or else parking is really expensive...
i'd imagine... the people who are placed in the same place probably pool for big shared houses that are close. it really would... make sense. i... honestly... i don't know how i'd go. i'd imagine... the year would be quite a blur, really. like, uh, summer camp. almost like being in the army or something. i honestly don't know how i would go.
even in auckland... south auckland may as well be a different city, really, with commute times... north shore is pushing it. without a car it is impossible. anyway... everyone is in the same boat, i guess. i think... i think they probably do try and match people a bit... putting people with family or whatever for year 5, at least (since you do get paid - about the same as a phd scholarship for year 6 - and year 5 is pretty full on compared to year 4 with respect to your supposed to take 1/3 the caseload of the team and 'pull your weight' with respect to long days and being on call up to 10pm).
and of course i'll need to accumulate appropriate clothes along the way. they start out 'if you can see up it, down it, or through it, don't wear it'. they end up with 'remember that your professional colleagues and patients are judging you on what you wear' or similar. anyway... they couldn't be clearer: NO jeans. NO trainers. dammit. no yoga tights either, i'm betting. sigh. oh... also no scrubs in outpatient clinics or anywhere outside the hospital. they are very clear: they are NOT a status symbol. which of course means... that all the med students think that they are.
ahaha.
anyway... you can do an honours year after year 3 (before the clinical stuff starts up). this sets you up for if you want to do a phd later. they encourage all that stuff blah de blah. if you decide being a doc is not for you (typically discovered during year 4) you can switch to a science degree with another semester of studying or something like that. so...
so...
i guess supports are hard because you are increasingly... well... short rotations. between 1 and 6 weeks. you don't have a bunch of time to be running off to counsellors or whatever. i guess... i guess i see how the shared house thing really is the way to go. then at least you can ask the people there (when you can catch them) for ideas / help with dealing with that weird doctor or that bitchy nurse or whatever... anyway... i guess i do feel scared about whether it is for me or not... but i do think i would really like to give it a shot, for sure.
i'll... probably get year 5 where i grew up... my mother actually lives within 20 minutes bike of the hospital... even though i'd really much rather not live with her... i guess that is there... and it is a huge hospital. and for things like specialist surgery or A&E it is the place to be... so...
i don't quite understand why they don't have halls for student docs on site... probably because then the nurses will want them and then the physios... and then the tea people and the orderlies will point out that they are doing degrees in hospitality or whatever and they are at the hospital on placement, too... and before you know it... sigh.
anyway...
the weirdest thing was reading about psychiatry placement... there were little blurbs... almost recruitment blurbs... guess they are trying to recruit people year 6. and have them want to stay there for their elective (which you get to elect unless you are made to repeat something that you failed). because we are allowed to go overseas for elective year 6... at our own expense... that might well be worth borrowing for... to get to go someplace... to try and set things up for a decent junior doc position or whatever for year 7... for eventual specialisation.
call me crazy... but i think i'd like to do an honors project on curled / clawed toes. after foot surgery. i wonder if they splint them straight if that would prevent the tendons from shrinking into a clawed position. that might make rehabilitating them later (physio etc) much easier. with respect to walking / balance. of course i know that really one does the honours project that one is told to do... we'll see...
anyway... plenty where that came from if somebody steals it...
i really do want this...
oh... psychiatry placement... where i spent... a couple years of my life, really. as an inpatient. seeing what the 'big wigs' (whom i never met) have to say about things... year 6... you get to diagnose a fake patient (an actor). i diagnose: fictitious disorder. ffs. ffs.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 16:01:43
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 3, 2014, at 18:00:03
of course i'd be lying if i said it didn't scare me. i did have a... heavy night. a bit restless. background... stresses...
(is this really something that i want to do?)
on the one hand it seemed possible in a way i didn't think it was before. little bits... like being able to opt out of being a model without penalty. stuff like that. and then bits that made it seem a lot more interesting than i thought it would be. like figuring out what the person died of and following a mother through to after delivery and following the infant for a while to learn about development. and i get to thinking that i REALLY want to do it.
but then... over the years... it DOES get scary. especially for people (like me) without a home base that is... homely... for them. the thought of being shipped about for placements... of losing my safe space... that is scary to me. and i really do have no idea whether my disability will get renewed or not...
and then the hours... reading between the lines... the exhaustion. the... eventual... trying to opt out of everything that one can / that one doesn't absolutely have to do because one is simply exhausted. holding instruments in a long operation is probably some blessed relief from patients etc... i... i don't know why they all seem to want to hide from patients... probably because... it is exhausting. having to present calm and reassurance. and people wanting the whole happy puppy noises thing always... probably it is that. or maybe nurses need you to do this and that and the next thing... and it all involves bothering people who are cranky about being bothered (since you can't sign off on anything yourself).
and i feel exhausted just reading it. which is probably why they don't make this information more widely available.
so...
anyway...
i'm not counting my chickens, i don't think... i do understand that i probably won't get a place... that... well... i simply don't know how i'll do next year. i notice... the website actually says you can apply from a B+ average... of course all the internet people talk about A- averages and higher... but probably nobody wants to stand up and say 'oh, i just squeaked in!' just have to do well enough to get an interview (2x as many as number of places available). that sets the grade cut off. so... depends on who applies, i guess. needing to sit the UMAT during mid semester break (at over $200) is probably sufficient deterrant for the... whimsical...
anyway...
anyway...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 20:54:08
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 16:01:43
feeling... supported.
like i have a bunch of people on my side.
keyworker person who i'm getting on well with, actually. instead of meeting in her office as we usually do (gets me all in psychotherapy mode, head down, ranting about stuff, upset) we went to a cafe. i used to do that with my old keyworker... from years ago... anyway... it is heaps better for me. i still do use it to bounce ideas off etc... but it stops me from sort of ruminating unhelpfully...
clinic has turned out to be great, actually. have had 2 sort of crisis things, really... with the bugs... and then with the meltdown. and on both of those occasions ALL of the staff were really wonderful. receptionists, nurses, and they did get me in to see the doc when i did need to.
doc has turned out to be pretty great, too. she had a follow up with me, when she needn't have, actually.
and so i feel like all that is okay. tis okay.
and the guy i was dealing with before with the disability support stuff... he is someone who i feel like i can chat to. if i need to. i told him about court... when that happened... because i didn't have anyone to talk to about it (early in the process)... and so i think i could go talk to him if i needed to.
and now the learning people seem to be terrific, too. the one who i don't feel i clicked with as well turned out to have struck an absolute goldmine with passing on all that curriculum info. i'm betting... she could do what i could not with knowing how to get hold of the relevant people and getting information out of them. yay her. and the next meeting in person... is actually with the other one - whom i felt i clicked better with in person.
and so... all this... is helping me relax, rather. i feel... supported.
i'm remembering... there certainly were times in aussie (and so on) when i knew full well i was struggling and i needed help. and i did everything in my power, i mean absolutely every single freaking thing that i knew how to do to get a little help... and i simply could not get the help i needed.
anyway... i'm starting to feel like things are different now. things are starting to click into place for me.
i think partly it just is about it taking a year for me to settle into a place. get to know people... they get to know me... then i finally start making the sorts of relationships i need (professional or otherwise). and so we are getting close to my being here for one year... and things really are feeling like they are settling in. which is wonderful, really. because here... is a good place for me. not like these other places where i spend a year to settle in to a place that is wrong wrong wrong and then getting the hell out becomes an issue...
anyway... things are feeling pretty good for me. if only i can keep my GPA up. sigh. doing some grading now... that helps... it is nice to feel competent sometimes.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 5, 2014, at 17:18:49
In reply to Re: med curriculum, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2014, at 20:54:08
it made it seem real. that's what it did. it gave some insight into the proper nature of the course... the proper nature of the job... and so some time for me to process things a bit... to also read between the lines a bit... and think about whether i do want this or not. how much i want this...
and i really really do want this. and i think i could potentially be good at it. and if it turns out that the whole whirlwind thing of short rotations and busy hospitals is something i can only do in a time limited sense... then that won't make me oh so very different from all those people who decide that they do want to be GP's in rural communities after all. for the lifestyle. though... apparently that is where the real shortages are... and sounds like people clamor a bit for things like ER in big hospitals.... or maybe it is more about proportions of positions to people applying or something like that.
i think what i liked most was feeling that... concerns i had... were answered. that makes me feel like other students over the years had same concerns as me. about what to wear, whether this or that was acceptable. about placements about whether i really had to go to placement here or there about whether i could swap about whether there might be any kinds of grounds for getting a different placement. about how many sick days you can have and about what hours you are expected to work. all these sorts of things... and about how the pediatrics thing worried me a lot... then the thought of me (or probably a bit of a team of us, really) following along various appointments of a pregnant woman... through delivery... through some childhood development... thinking of holding a baby for the first time in that kind of context... that seems... manageable. i guess i did worry that i might simply be confronted with pediatric rotation early on and simply be expected to pick them up and move them about etc etc. but they don't just expect that. phew. huge load off. i kind of want to say 'of course' but my experience with physio and sport sci has led me to realise that you can't simply expect other people to have similar standards of... what is easy / hard... of... propriety or appropriateness, even... and prescribing... not until very late down the track. and same for ordering labs and discharging and the like. helps me feel... protected, again. makes things feel safer. more manageable.
worst case... you get a nightmare horrible placement for... 6 weeks. that's the longest placement. then you get bundled out of there and moving on... and early on... you probably have other students you can hide amongst... theatres you can go hold instruments in, or something...
i see that it really is a vocation... there is a bit of a tension... the students saying that they are treated like crap here. mostly that junior docs can get more money for shorter hours overseas. the senior people getting better and / or more equipment or support staff who are much happier for their shorter hours / higher pay. etc.
and the government. how it is an honor and a privileged to be selected to train. and this feeling that student docs are asking for the earth, really. that they are already given so very much. the government contributes a great deal towards the cost of the training... most expensive degree for the government (also the student) etc etc.
i think... the biggest thing... the hugest f*ck*ng thing of all... is that there is never any shortage of jobs for docs. i mean... never. that is... the very best job security there is. and the job is about helping people. thinking... government workers have job security. i think... security through changes in government. but a lot of their work is paper shuffling b*llsh*t. i know that a lot of doctors feel that their work is increasingly becoming full of paperwork b*llsh*t... but they do get to do front line stuff. most people... a huge number of people... have some kind of crisis at some point in their life about not feeling like their life has meaning / that they are or can make a difference. i think that medicine... well... it is different, like that. and psychologically etc... it is a wonderful thing.
i see that if you don't know different (if your parents are docs and you go from school to med school to working as a junior) then you might be full of 'buy my parents has their nice house within 20 minutes of the big city hospital before they were 35' or whatever... and if you are young of course you want to go off to do your OE... and of course you want to live in the city...
anyway... rambling... sorry...
it does suck to be starting over... really... it is what i wanted... but i forgot this feeling of... being afraid about whether i had the ability to succeed. i honestly don't know whether i can get the grades that i need next year. that scares me. i guess i honestly did think that i had plenty of general smarts and it would be enough to get me through. because... well... clearly i started spending too much time with the kids at tech and that other university... a more more at home now... and a bunch of kids are freaky smart. possibly... too smart for me (at science). sigh. grading critical reasoning... it comes fairly easily for me... law seems miles and miles and miles and miles harder. familiarity... practice... from where i am... i simply can't comprehend (for example) grading physics tests... and finding them similarly straightforward.
still... this really was what i wanted. i think it is good to take time to be grateful. espcially because... my life is going very well (according to me), actually. it is important to remember that. i am freaking lucky to have this opportunity. i am freaking afraid that i will blow it by not doign well enough... but still... having the opportunity is... well... what i most wanted. in life. to have the opportunity to do this. wish i was a bit better prepared... but in many ways i am... i have learned a lot this year... abotu how i learn and so on... anyway... sorry for the rant... back to the grading...
i'm feeling a lot more empathy for them... especially when (for instance) they do so much worse than chance on certain aspects (like multiguess). that awful feeling of getting all tied up with it... just like how i felt in my last physics test. sigh.
:)
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