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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 20, 2014, at 18:20:48
Exhilarated, quite frightened, brave, confident, sad sad sad, not the outcome I would have wanted, but only I can control my behaviour. Sleep is uneasy only because I never know what faces me when I awake.
I think the remodel was the catalyst for the worse of our behaviours. His, and my reaction to it. Nine months was ridiculous, but it soon became clear there were sides. HE sides and HER sides. I was kicked to the curbed rather quickly. And I am sorry, but a dwelling, however lovely, is hardly worth my mental health. My best wish to both of them and their delusions. To the worth of the dwelling, and future investments in it. It would be different if we had had a full blown meth lab stopped in its tracks half a block down the road. That does WONDERS for property values.
So I leave behind the legacy of emotional and verbal abuse. The belittling of my contribution to the household. I go on. Alone. Because it feels so much bloody better.
Posted by baseball55 on January 20, 2014, at 19:55:49
In reply to Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 20, 2014, at 18:20:48
I wish you well. You seem angry but using that anger to drive you on productively and not wallow in self-pity.
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 7:00:16
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by baseball55 on January 20, 2014, at 19:55:49
That is today's fuel, standing in for inner strength. Flighty and quick to crumble, where the inner strength is untested and unsure of itself. Abuse does that to you.
I know that the strength will remain where the anger is a facade. And that I am saving my life.
Thanks, baseball.
Posted by SLS on January 21, 2014, at 7:18:21
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 7:00:16
> That is today's fuel, standing in for inner strength. Flighty and quick to crumble, where the inner strength is untested and unsure of itself. Abuse does that to you.
> I know that the strength will remain where the anger is a facade. And that I am saving my life.
> Thanks, baseball.You might not like me, but I wish you the best at this critical time. I'm sure your inner strength will grow.
Good luck.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on January 21, 2014, at 8:53:56
In reply to Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 20, 2014, at 18:20:48
PC I just saw this. Maybe this is why I don't want to do anything to this home. I know how we disagree me & husband. But the strange thing is that when it's major we seem to agree. It's the little things that get us. I'm sorry it's come to this. I guess the kitchen was the catalyst so to speak? Actually I don't know what to say. Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 9:35:19
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it » Partlycloudy, posted by SLS on January 21, 2014, at 7:18:21
Oh, Scott, I don't dislike you. Not at all. I really appreciate your support. I don't know how I am going to get through this without support. My family is so far away, and I have always been working against the story that I Can't Do It. That staying is better than trying to make it on my own.
And the caveat, that I will fail.Thanks,
pc
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 9:43:56
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on January 21, 2014, at 8:53:56
It was definitely the straw that broke this camel's back. But there was so much more leading up to it. The renovation is really inconsequential.
I wish I could say that this was something we could overcome. Instead, it's another feature that has brought me to the breaking point. But we were already there and a huge concern to my healthcare givers.
Today I must find a place to live. Yesterday I looked at a "home" that was rotted through and a glorified potting shed. Great price, though.
Posted by Twinleaf on January 21, 2014, at 13:10:51
In reply to Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 20, 2014, at 18:20:48
So sorry to hear that this happened. I know you tried absolutely everything to help your marriage be happier and more supportive. I thnk it takes tremendous courage and mental strength to realize that it wasn't possible, and to be able to make a new beginning. These days are probably the very hardest; I do hope you find much peace and happiness before long.
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 14:29:31
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it » Partlycloudy, posted by Twinleaf on January 21, 2014, at 13:10:51
I am so glad you are back!!!
The most difficult realization so far is that on my disability income alone, I can afford to live in a broom closet. Things will sort themselves out. I am told I am owed alimony, but I have no figures nor guarantees. Life has never been so uncertain and right.
Posted by SLS on January 21, 2014, at 14:41:22
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 14:29:31
> Life has never been so uncertain and right.
Perfect.
:-)
- Scott
Posted by SLS on January 21, 2014, at 14:42:14
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 14:29:31
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 15:45:36
In reply to Clear Skies soon. (nm) » Partlycloudy, posted by SLS on January 21, 2014, at 14:42:14
I hope but won't post until such times. :-)
Posted by baseball55 on January 21, 2014, at 19:40:32
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 14:29:31
Hey PC - If you don't mind my asking, how long were you and your husband together?
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 21:53:29
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it » Partlycloudy, posted by baseball55 on January 21, 2014, at 19:40:32
Knew each other 14 years, and married for 12. I had previously been been in an abusive marriage for 17 years. Went from from relationship (who was a stalker) into this one, who moved me to the other end of the country.
We have tried marriage counselling. Individual therapy, which I continue with. His therapist became ill with a life-threatening disease. He didn't open the referral letters, saying their work was just about done.
Even when his therapist was well enough to resume a limited practice with selected clients, he refused to returned.This (whatever this is) is solely due to to my illness. He bears no responsibility. Two of his three grown children are estranged from him. I did not do this all by my self.
It is heartbreaking, but I haven't the strength to bear my responsibilities AND his. He's contributed to the anxiety and panic I experience everyday by the distortion of facts and situations; my memory impairment does not help.
But I know what and to whom I say things.
It's time time that the impairment of verbal and emotional abuse be stopped. It is done.
Posted by Phillipa on January 21, 2014, at 21:58:38
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 21:53:29
I understand completely. Phillipa
Posted by Poet on January 22, 2014, at 18:42:19
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 21, 2014, at 21:53:29
Hi PC,
I'm here for moral support if you'd like it. A hard cyberslap to your husband for not admitting his responsibility.
Poet
Posted by baseball55 on January 22, 2014, at 20:02:11
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it » Partlycloudy, posted by Poet on January 22, 2014, at 18:42:19
It's good and brave that you are able to acknowledge your own part in your marital problems and not blaming everything entirely on him.
I have been with my husband for 36 years and recently we have had some real problems. He contributes his share. But I have been trying to take responsibility for my own contribution to our issues. Relationships always involve two people.
I think it's hard to move on and be okay if you can't look at your own role and get stuck in anger and resentment and blame. Even if he is more at fault than you, the only thing you can really change and improve is yourself.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2014, at 1:08:59
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by baseball55 on January 22, 2014, at 20:02:11
i am following along. i am not entirely sure what to say. i... feel like i don't want to say the wrong thing / offer something that isn't what is needed right now.
i can empathize with looking for a place to live on a tight budget. and with how sucky it is looking on your own.
is there any particular reason why you need to / want to stay close to where you are now? could you (for example) stay with your sister in california for a bit and look for a place closer to her? or maybe move back to where you have other family supports?
otherwise... good luck with the broom closet hunt. i guess... you probably do want to live by yourself. for a bit, anyway. try and... i guess my advice (ymmv) is to live someplace where it is convenient and easy for you to do social stuff to meet people who are likely to be supportive and helpful for you. because that stuff can be hard to do at the best of times.. but if you are sort of amongst it (but with your own personal space) that can really make things very much easier.
i guess one of the most important things is that you get to meet supportive people. so even though you are moving to live by yourself you get to feel less lonely than you were in your distanced marriage. have you thought about maybe getting a pet? i don't know how strict places would be... if you got a puppy or something like that...
i've been thinking about a plant. i got basil to eat... but then left some on it and felt sorry for it and kinda liked having it around... so it hung around for a couple weeks... but then i was having tuna pasta... and so... i ate it. oops. i want a plant. but not just any old plant. i want a super dooper cool plant. the hunt is on. and basil. i miss my basil. but basil is so (ooooooo) tasty.
i've discovered sparrows have made this place their own. i thought there was one mildly crazy one that was checking out my window sill for potential nest material... but, no, when they think i'm not here (because i'm on the toilet, or because i'm being quiet with my computer) the fly on in and make themselves at home. maybe they ate the cockroach... i can't find him... i brought lemon scented poison spray especially... though i feel kinda sorta somewhat bad... and i think abotu minority groups and how everyone hates the cockroaches... but i also brought bottled water. because if his rubbish stained feet upset me... why would i feel alright drinking the sludge that comes through the water pipes that his little roachy friends like to crawl about in???? ugh. ugh. ugh.
i used to have a two tiny goldfish in a cute little round bowl but they kept dying on me. apparently the cute little round bowl was cute... but not really ideal for keeping fish in... too small, basically, if it was filled to maximise surface area etc etc...
i think... being surrounded by... life is important. maybe that is it.
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 23, 2014, at 8:12:03
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2014, at 1:08:59
Thanks, Alex. My sister is on the other side of the continent. Honestly, as much as I miss being far from my family, the rest of whom are in/about Toronto, Canada, we are quite an "at arms' length" group. The more time I spend with them, the lonelier I get.
I like the idea of making my moves incremental, if only for the sake of not too many changes at once. Living nearby while the wheels of divorce grind their way through let's me keep my doctors, bank, therapist. Then I can make the next step. I do have a women's' support group that helps me emotionally.
My cat Psycho comes with me. She's 13 or 14 years old and a constant companion.
I found an apartment that has offered an expensive, but one time lease offer that would take care of me for the next 7 months. Whether that is practicle in terms of how long a divorce takes, I have no idea. Will ask my lawyer this AM.
The other thing I have realized is that because of my spouse's propensity for secrets and silence, I actually do have a number of friends around here already. He just dislikes them all and calls them crazy. HELLO!
There is a lot to figure out.
And to Poet: cyber slap happily accepted.
Posted by 10derheart on January 24, 2014, at 15:34:24
In reply to Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 20, 2014, at 18:20:48
I haven't known what to say. Sadly, I've done it twice, but that was many years ago and feels like another person in another life. I only say sadly because if I could have *my* way I would have been married for decades right now and getting ready to grow old with the same person. Not to be, though. It can all be pretty bittersweet.
I do remember it being a roller coaster at times. There will be grieving - for what you wished could have been, might have been, etc. That caught me by surprise, but then again, I was super young then and knew little of psychology and had never had any therapy.
You are positioned a bit better in that way. I'm glad you made a decision - that has to be a relief. But it must also be so stressful later in life, too. You know, in the twenties we seem to by (sometimes) more resilient just naturally. It may not be smooth, but you'll get there. I have no doubt. Glad you have your women's group - they will be even more important, I bet.
I pray for peace for you. I hope Babble can be a source of support throughout. Seasons....change....so hard but sometimes so necessary.
Posted by Phillipa on January 24, 2014, at 20:46:18
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it » Partlycloudy, posted by 10derheart on January 24, 2014, at 15:34:24
For me a piece of cake the first one. Second and third the same. Working happy self sufficient I needed no one. Did what I wanted when I wanted had the resources. Now being older It would be too difficult. For me couldn't do it. I just want peace. Phillipa
Posted by Dr. Bob on January 24, 2014, at 23:00:16
In reply to Re: Can't quite believe I am going through with it, posted by Partlycloudy on January 23, 2014, at 8:12:03
> My cat Psycho comes with me. She's 13 or 14 years old and a constant companion.
Have you ever considered a second cat? You could call her...
Bob
This is the end of the thread.
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