![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 5 to 29 of 36. Go back in thread:
Posted by TexasChic on February 5, 2008, at 19:38:07
In reply to Re: OK, I feel better now/Deneb, posted by rskontos on February 5, 2008, at 15:35:31
Man, that is total crap Deneb. You have to trust your own decisions no matter what you're family says. Because they are WRONG!!! I've experienced this too. When I decided to go to college, I brought all the financial aid stuff home and had it spread out on the table, and when my Mom came in I proudly said, "Look, I'm going to go to college!" She gave a sarcastic laugh and said, "You can't possibly afford that!!!" in an 'are you crazy' sort of way. I did it anyway and have come a long, long way since then - with NO support from my family. In fact, it was more like the constant abuse like you endure.
Try to do what you know is best and block out all the interference. I know its hard, believe me I know, but it can be done. I'm living proof!!! And believe me, you are way stronger, smarter, and tougher than I was back then.
I would suggest trying to figure out a way to get away from your family, but I do realize how hard that can be while going to school. So if you can't do that, try not to engage with them when they start in on you. That means don't defend yourself, don't argue, just go, "Uh huh", and move on. Eventually they will get tired of trying to argue when they don't get a response. Of course, your Mom probably actually does have your best intentions at heart, but that doesn't mean she's right. Try to let her know you hear and respect everything she's telling you, but you feel like you should go a different way.
I hope that helps. You really are a beautiful, intelligent, amazing young woman. I have no doubt you will go far in life. Its just a matter of getting past the challenges that come along, and I know you can do it.
-T
Posted by Deneb on February 5, 2008, at 22:33:50
In reply to Re: OK, I feel better now, posted by Angela2 on February 5, 2008, at 15:18:44
My Mom tells me if I drop this semester then I should never go back to school again.
My Mom says I've wasted all her money. My sister is telling me I should hand over all the money in my account to her and never use our family's money again, because I'm not to be trusted with money.
I feel so bad right now. I feel like I have to either kill myself or run away. I'm not sure where I would run to, maybe stay in a shelter?
For whatever reasons, I don't feel confident enough about the class I'm currently taking and I've been skipping many classes. I feel like I want to work full time and make some money and go back to school only to take classes I like.
My Mom said, "Well then school is like a hobby now? You only take classes you like? Life is not about being happy. It's about doing things that must be done."
My Mom wants me to finish my degree quickly, get a good job, get a boyfriend, get married and have kids and my own house.
I tell her, "What if I don't want to get married?"
She says, "What are you going to do when you're old? Who will take care of you?"
I don't know what to do right now. I know my family is ashamed of me. I don't know if it's laziness or what, but I really hate my class right now. I don't know what to do. I want to die. :-( Then I don't have to think or worry about this. Die or run away? Running away will be tough. I'm not sure I can make it out there.
I'm so sad. :-(
Posted by Deneb on February 5, 2008, at 22:35:40
In reply to Re: OK, I feel better now/Deneb, posted by TexasChic on February 5, 2008, at 19:38:07
Thanks Angela, rskontos, TexasChic.
I feel a little better after reading your posts.
Posted by MidnightBlue on February 5, 2008, at 23:45:38
In reply to Thinking of killing self or running away, posted by Deneb on February 5, 2008, at 14:17:20
Deneb,
Run straight to a new tutor. One who believes in you like we do.
MidnightBlue
Posted by Deneb on February 5, 2008, at 23:57:51
In reply to Re: Thinking of killing self or running away » Deneb, posted by MidnightBlue on February 5, 2008, at 23:45:38
I feel so behind right now. I'm so discouraged.
I don't think I really want to die. I think I just want to disappear and escape.
I will see if there are any tutors for this class.
Posted by Dinah on February 5, 2008, at 23:59:39
In reply to Re: Still feel bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on February 5, 2008, at 22:33:50
Deneb, remember what I told you about siblings?
Consider her a babbling brook, and pay her no more mind. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but she's not being helpful to you right now. How would your sister know better than you how we feel about you? Has she been here? If she's wrong about that, why would she be right about everything else?
Ok, take a few deep breaths. Think of how well you're doing at work. Would a lazy person do that well? Your job is pretty demanding in many ways. I can't think at all that lazy is an accurate descriptor.
Your family may be frustrated, but that doesn't have to define your world. You are planning to work a while then go to school on your own schedule. What's wrong with that?
Posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 0:29:18
In reply to Re: Still feel bad *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Dinah on February 5, 2008, at 23:59:39
My parents tell me by the time I get my degree I'll be old and no one will hire me.
They all want me to go through life like everyone else, finish school, get a job, get married, have kids.
I'm not sure I even want to get married or have kids. I'm not power hungry or money hungry. I can live a pretty simple life and be happy. What my Mom wants for me is different from what I want in life.
For my Mom, life isn't about beiing happy, it's about doing things that must be done. For me, I like putting myself through as less stress as possible.
I'm personally OK with getting my degree in my 30's or not getting married until I'm 40 or 50. It just seems that society and my parents aren't OK with these things.
I believe I develop much more slowly than other people. Right now I'd say I'm in the teenage phase. Up until now I've not wanted independence from my family, but right now I find I want some.
I just wish my family supported the way I lead my life.
Posted by Dinah on February 6, 2008, at 0:39:27
In reply to Re: Still feel bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 0:29:18
Deneb, why would people not hire you in your thirties? You know that isn't true. I'm sorry your mother doesn't know it isn't true. But her thoughts on the topic doesn't make her conclusions true.
A fair number of my classmates that I happened to have run across have changed careers at various points in their lives. Some hadn't finished college right after high school. Some went back and qualified for something new. None of them found it was a problem to get employment. Probably more people I know went back to school as an adult than stayed on the same course their whole lives. Nor is this a recent development. It was true of some of my relatives years ago.
I think it's pretty smart of you to figure out that you are progressing at just the right speed for you.
Posted by rskontos on February 6, 2008, at 8:44:20
In reply to Re: Thinking of killing self or running away, posted by Deneb on February 5, 2008, at 23:57:51
Deneb, what is the class out of curiosity... maybe we can help you with it until you find a IRL tutor? you have a lot of smart people here make use of their brains for now...rsk
I have a degree in education.....just not teaching now..i am qualified to be a tutor
Posted by Poet on February 6, 2008, at 12:15:34
In reply to Re: Still feel bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 0:29:18
Hi Deneb,
I disagree with your parents that getting your degree later means you won't get hired. I just finished a certificate program and most people in the class were age 30 plus.
I knew at age 17 I didn't want kids, I never thought I'd be married, either, then the right guy came along and at age 40 I got married.
Have you thought of working a fulltime job, maybe take one class and getting an apartment? Do you have any friends you might be roomates with? I really felt free when I moved out of my parents house. I know it would be a big step, but its something to think about.
Take care.
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on February 6, 2008, at 12:52:57
In reply to Re: Still feel bad *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Poet on February 6, 2008, at 12:15:34
Deneb did the opposite married at l8 first child at l9 last at 27. School in 30's graduated at age 38. Oldest in my class was in her 50's so people do things at different times in their lives. Love Phillipa
Posted by MidnightBlue on February 6, 2008, at 14:16:23
In reply to Re: Still feel bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 0:29:18
Deneb,
Only get married and have children when/if YOU want to. Your parents and society don't have a vote on this.
Yes there are certain things a person "has" to do. Best I can tell you are doing those! You are working at a job to help support yourself, you are going to school to get a better education, you are going to a pdoc and learning about yourself and how to take care of yourself, you are reaching out to others and making friends.
It is okay if your timetable isn't the same as your Mom's. If she gets really sick and tired of putting up with you then try to find a roommate and see if you can make it on your own. But do NOT go and live with your sister! See if your pdoc has some suggestions.
MB
Posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 15:32:38
In reply to Re: Still feel bad *trigger* » Deneb, posted by MidnightBlue on February 6, 2008, at 14:16:23
I talked with my pdoc and she made me feel confident enough to start trying again, but then I came home and my sister made me feel bad again.
She made me cry then she started mocking me, saying "Oh Boo Hoo, I'm crying, now I want to die."
I said I was going to look for a tutor and she said I'm wasting my money, don't find a tutor.
I know she thinks I'm a loser. She said she's going to have to support me in the future, so I better not go against her.
I feel like running away again.
Posted by Dinah on February 6, 2008, at 15:39:50
In reply to Re: Still feel bad, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 15:32:38
Deneb, if someone steps on your toe everytime you see them, it might be wise to take your toe out of their way.
Your sister is saying mean things every time you see her. It's time to draw boundaries. It's ok to walk away if she's choosing to overstep the line. It's ok to tell her you love her but you are going to choose not to be around her until she's ready to talk respectfully adult to adult. Don't let her get past the first line of her dialog.
You aren't going to get anything useful from her right now. At least try to minimize the hurt she can inflict.
If you can't get away from her, at least recognize what's happening and put on your strongest psychic footwear so she can't actually do your toes any harm.
If you are mature, keep your head, and walk away, she's going to look pretty bad in comparison, don't you think? Maybe even to you. You keep comparing yourself unfavorably to her, but would you act this way?
Posted by Kath on February 6, 2008, at 16:26:42
In reply to Re: OK, I feel better now, posted by Deneb on February 5, 2008, at 14:52:28
> I need to escape the abuse.
Deneb - I am SO glad to see you recognizing 'abuse'.
I am certainly not laughing at you & if your sister knew what I was thinking about her behaviour of you, she'd probably shrivel up!!!!
I am appalled at her abusive behaviour towards you. She should be ashamed of herself.
I have only read your first 2 posts yet, & I AM going to read everyone's replies. But first I want to say a few things.
I am very proud of you. I'm proud that you're thinking about YOUR own NEEDS. I'm proud that you're thinking for yourself. I'm proud of you that you're recognizing behaviour that is NOT OKAY. I'm proud of you that you don't want to be exposed to this behaviour any more.
That's all I'm going to say until I read the rest of the posts Deneb.
much love, Kathryn, who cares immensely for you; thinks you're wonderful & supports what you decide you need to do for YOURSELF.
xoxo
Posted by Kath on February 6, 2008, at 16:40:54
In reply to Re: Still feel bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 0:29:18
> My parents tell me by the time I get my degree I'll be old and no one will hire me.
>
> They all want me to go through life like everyone else, finish school, get a job, get married, have kids.
>
> I'm not sure I even want to get married or have kids. I'm not power hungry or money hungry. I can live a pretty simple life and be happy. What my Mom wants for me is different from what I want in life.
>
> For my Mom, life isn't about beiing happy, it's about doing things that must be done. For me, I like putting myself through as less stress as possible.
>
> I'm personally OK with getting my degree in my 30's or not getting married until I'm 40 or 50. It just seems that society and my parents aren't OK with these things.
>
> I believe I develop much more slowly than other people. Right now I'd say I'm in the teenage phase. Up until now I've not wanted independence from my family, but right now I find I want some.
>
> I just wish my family supported the way I lead my life.
******Deneb - Look at how wise you are!!! You have SO much insight in this post, it blows me away!!YOU are an individual!! Not all of society pushes the marry, get a house, have kids thing, but a lot of people do, you're right.
A lot of people get uncomfortable & sorta bossy & pushy when someone is different from them. I've been a vegetarian for decades. As you probably know, I'm 60 & nowadays if I say I'm a veggie nobody 'bats an eyelash'.....it's no big deal, because way more people are vegatarians. When I was in my 20's & 30's if I said I was veggie people would say, "WHY!!!" as if I had to give them a damned good reason why I'd DARE to do something so bizarre - what NERVE I had, to dare to be different from them.
So yes, probably most folks sorta expect others to follow a certain pattern with their life. But YAY for you! You're looking at your life, which is a gift that has been given to you. You're deciding how you want to live it.
Your family is freaking because they're pretty traditional, it sounds like.
Anyway, I'm still reading the posts, but wanted to stop at this one to let you know how impressed I am. If you were my daughter I'd be glad to hear you deciding how you wanted to live your life!!!
Love, Kath
Posted by Kath on February 6, 2008, at 16:42:11
In reply to Re: Thinking of killing self or running away » Deneb, posted by rskontos on February 6, 2008, at 8:44:20
You ar so sweet & generous!
Kath
Posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 17:02:17
In reply to Re: Still feel bad » Deneb, posted by Dinah on February 6, 2008, at 15:39:50
Thanks for the advice Dinah. It's hard. My sister is abusive towards me one moment and the next moment she acts as if nothing happened and tries to make me laugh.
I usually start ignoring her, but then she just keeps trying and trying to make me laugh or talk to her until I give in because I don't hold grudges well.
I just get confused.
Posted by Kath on February 6, 2008, at 17:09:53
In reply to Re: Still feel bad, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 15:32:38
Deneb,
Once again, I am appalled at your sister's behaviour & cruelty & manipulation.
I'm sorry & I hope I'm not breaking any rules, but I have to say what I think about this.
This is an abusive situation. Your sister is pulling out whatever she can think of to try and control you & make you feel badly about yourself. She is trying to shame you & make you feel ashamed & bad about yourself. She is threatening you - don't cross me or I won't help you in the future.
You will NOT end up needing her to look after you.
Your aim is to look after yourself.
I wonder if your mother hears the God-awful things your sister says?
Maybe your pdoc can help you come up with your own little 'arsenal' of methods to deflect your sister's poison.
I would VERY strongly suggest that you try to protect yourself by being polite to your sister in a detached way, but NOT discussing ANYthing with her. You do NOT owe her anything. She is not your parent although by golly she sure wants to act like it!!! There's an excellent book called "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". Maybe someone here knows who wrote it or you could find out online. Maybe your library has it. At the front it has the Assertive Bill of Rights. It's excellent. I'll see if I can find it to write them down for you.
Here are a few things to have in your mind that you can say to your sister.
"You have your life. I have mine. Please do not interfere with my life or give me your opinions about my life unless I ask you."
"Everyone has their own opinion."
"Sorry that you feel like that. I'm glad that you can lead your life in the way you want to. I will continue to lead my life the way I decide to."
"Please don't interfere in my life."
"This is NOT something that I am willing to discuss with you. I will discuss it with my parents. I will NOT discuss it with you."
Also, remember the "broken record" think I told you on Chat on time? You say what you say, she responds with something (probably putting you down, etc.) You repeat what you said, maybe in a slightly different way. She does her thing again, trying to goad you to answer. You repeat your same original thing again. Maybe slightly different.
I think the main thing is for you to absolutely reFUSE (inside yourself & in actual fact) to discuss any of this with her. It is NONE of her business. The fact that she'd tell you to give you her money is abominable.
I am SO glad you have your pdoc hun. And I so sorry your sister does whatever she can to undermine your sense of well-being & self-esteem. Please be very careful when dealing with her Deneb.
My Mom used to say to me "Least said, soonest mended". The less you are involved in conversations with your sister, the better for you.
I am so very sorry you have to go through this. You certainly do NOT deserve it hun.
Please listen to the wisdom of people discussing this with you. And PULEEEEEEZ do NOT even consider living with your sister.
At some point, you'll probably decide to live outside your family. Financially, it's quite possible you'll need to share a place to be able to afford it.
In the meantime, can you phone your pdoc if you need to? Can you see your pdoc at LEAST once a week?
Deneb, if you decide to drop your class, so be it. You can always go back to it. You're doing well coping with this. Please keep on letting us support you. And for Gosh Sakes - nobody here is condenming you, laughing at you or taunting you. That is coming from inside your circle, not outside it!! I suspect your sister, somewhere inside herself, envies something about you....perhaps your bravery at even thinking about doing things differently. Who knows. It doesn't really matter. But I hate to think that her treatment of you can shatter the positive affect of your pdoc appointment in a snap!
You GO Deneb!!!!!!!!!!!! It's YOUR life. It's yours to live the way you want to.
(((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))))))))
your bossy, but loyal supporter & friend, Kath
Posted by Kath on February 6, 2008, at 17:18:13
In reply to Re: Still feel bad, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 17:02:17
Typically abusive behaviour.
An abusive partner will be mean, cruel, etc, then bring home flowers & say they're SO sorry.
I think Dinah had some good ideas about dealing with her.
You don't need to hold a grudge, but maybe you can point out, next time she tries to make you laugh, etc:
Sister, if you think about our most recent interaction, you might realize why I am NOT going to be interacting with you right now. I am willing to relate to you in a respectful adult to adult manner. I will respect you. I need you to behave respectfully with me.
Then smile (or not) and walk away.
I would say that the best way to teach her to treat you differently is to say something like the above, and then walk away. Each time she is mean or disrespectful, then tries to act like nothing has happened....point out "I need to be treated with respect. That hasn't been happening." I'm not even sure what I'd say then. Maybe Dinah has some ideas. She seems to be able to be WAY more detached about this than I am. Maybe because I am an only child & haven't had to deal with this.
hugs & hugs, Kath
Posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 17:20:31
In reply to Re: Thinking of killing self or running away » Deneb, posted by rskontos on February 6, 2008, at 8:44:20
The class is plant physiology and biochem. I'm not sure how effective online tutoring would be, but thanks for the offer. I can babblemail the course website to anyone who is curious about the course.
I know I need a tutor. My sister keeps insisting that I don't hire a tutor because it would be wasting money. She even asked me to hand her all the money in my account because I'm not responsible enough with it so she says.
I wish my family support me. I don't think I'll be doing very well if Babblers and my pdoc weren't there to support me. I love you all.
My pdoc told me it's not about getting an A or even passing the class. She says it's about trying my best. If I try my best and I still fail, I should still congratulate myself. It's about facing things instead of avoiding things.
My self confidence is fragile and my sister keeps tearing it apart, telling me my accomplishments are nothing.
I say I need a tutor to motivate me and give me structure, but then my sister says, what are you going to do, hire a tutor for every aspect of your life? My pdoc says I have to face the fact that I need structure and external rewards. I shouldn't label myself as childish or lazy, I should just learn to work around these traits as best as I can.
Posted by rskontos on February 6, 2008, at 17:22:55
In reply to Re: Still feel bad, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 17:02:17
Deneb, I second Kath's comment. tell your sister that opinions are like a**holes everyone's got one. but your sister has got diarrhea of the mouth. She needs a sock in hers. You need to get a remote control and every time she opens her mouth try to click her off and pretend the batteries need changing. And start laughing. Because humor will get to her everytime. She won't know what to do.
I second Dinah's idea of moving out and working and going to school. I did not get my degree until later. You know Colonel Sanders did not invent Kentucky Fried Chicken until he was 60 years old. You are never too old to do whatever you want. Today Oprah had a lady that was 81 who could probably run circles around your family and she had just written a book and a movie was made of it.
Again, my offer of helping you with this class online stands...
rsk
Posted by rskontos on February 6, 2008, at 17:23:28
In reply to Re: Thinking of killing self or running away » rskontos, posted by Kath on February 6, 2008, at 16:42:11
Thanks Kath, after todays therapy I needed that :)
rsk
Posted by Kath on February 6, 2008, at 17:51:59
In reply to Re: Thinking of killing self or running away » rskontos, posted by Deneb on February 6, 2008, at 17:20:31
Guess What Deneb?
I just thought of what I think is the best way to deal with your sister.
First, don't bring up anything about your life to her. Preferably do not talk about these things in front of her or in her hearing.
Second, if she buts in or starts her stuff, simply say,
"I am not willing to discuss this with you."her reply (for ex) 'oh listen to YOU - acting all huffy...'
"Perhaps you didn't hear me. I repeat. I am not willing to discuss this with you."
'you're just a lazy, money-waster'
"For the last time, I am not willing to discuss this with you." then walk away.
Keep talking Deneb. You've got support here.
luv, Kath
Posted by Kath on February 6, 2008, at 18:07:58
In reply to Re: Still feel bad, posted by rskontos on February 6, 2008, at 17:22:55
> Deneb, I second Kath's comment. tell your sister that opinions are like a**holes everyone's got one. but your sister has got diarrhea of the mouth. She needs a sock in hers. You need to get a remote control and every time she opens her mouth try to click her off and pretend the batteries need changing. And start laughing. Because humor will get to her everytime. She won't know what to do.
***********GOOD idea (I'm not sure that telling your sister that would go over well with your parents!! LOL but who knows??)
But the LAUGHING. THAT is so cool. Oh I could be such a bitch & come up with bitchy things but Dinah I think it was mentioned to let your sister mouth off & YOU be the calm, quiet, dignified one. It takes 2 to have a conversation going. Silence is probably the VERY BESTEST thing to deal out to her.******
> You know Colonel Sanders did not invent Kentucky Fried Chicken until he was 60 years old. You are never too old to do whatever you want.
*********THAT is a good thing to bring up if you're being bombaraded by your Mom (who is probably concerned about your best interests & possibly sorta old-fashioned & traditional).If you do break down & talk to your sister, I just thought of a good line.
"Just so that you know...I do not plan to hold your behaviour against you in the future."
And Deneb do NOT let ANYone NEAR your bankbook & bank account. You are an adult & guess what; you're behaving like one. Is this course the one where there were the labs & it caused you so much stress? I thought you were considering a long time ago dropping it & just doing the one? Or is this the second one. Are you just taking one course now?
Anyway, that's beside the point. If you want to go to work full-time (or even just work part time but NOT take any classes) that's your business.
You do have the option of deciding that if you stop school now & decide to do it again in the future, that you will pay for it yourself. And yes, you could do it just 1 course at a time.
hugs, Kath *****
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.