![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tate_ne on October 31, 2006, at 16:31:49
Hi. I'm new...so don't get mad. heh.
I have a question...First, i attend a university and my therapist works there. She's a CBT therapist...so over half of the things i talk about and experience should not be happening.
She's quite beautiful and i hope she's married and happy. I have these strange feelings for her...first it was paranoia...now it's some strange feeling moving through my blood. ew.
I want to know more about her, but she constantly speaks of boundaries.
I've written things about her in my journal...which i let her read. (after she asked) everything was kinda in code...and she was confused. I told her it wasn't nasty. She said, with a little smile, "I probably wouldn't think it is." and i could tell she wanted me to say something, but i didn't.
I've never been in a realtionship before because i've been in a christian school and we were taught that fornication is evil. So i don't even know if it's sexual.
I get this sweet high after our sessions. and when were together in session, it's so intense! I badger her to tell me why she moved down here, and it was strange, because she allows me to keep testing her; placing her into this corner, and she would be smiling. Once i did it when she was walking me out, and this student walked past us. There was this strange shift in the air, and when i glanced at her...i knew what we were doing was wrong.
So, last week, after we took a break from each other (i missed her like...woah), we're sitting there and she tells me: "When i think about you...i think you should got see ____ for a couple of months(this other therapist) For the racial indenity and...for the confusing feelings about me."
WHAT!
I didn't even bring it up! I was the one who tried to start goals again! (She just listens to me and talks back. Then she'll stare at me...and i'll start aching...ugh)
1. Can anyone please make me not want her to care about me.
2. DOES she care about me (gah.)
Posted by sunnydays on October 31, 2006, at 17:38:18
In reply to My therapist doesn't believe in transference..., posted by Tate_ne on October 31, 2006, at 16:31:49
She probably does care about you, but maybe not in the way you're hoping. She cares about you enough to know that there are issues you have that she cannot help you with, because of her therapeutic orientation, or what she psychologically feels comfortable with because of her own issues. She cares enough to suggest this other therapist to you.
And I think that she believes in transference, she just isn't trained to handle it if she's CBT, so maybe suggesting someone else is a way to help you handle it. It's hard to care about a T and wish they cared about you in the same way -- believe me, I know, I just had this conversation with my T last week. He was very accepting of my feelings, but he's not mainly CBT-oriented.
So maybe take her suggestion. You might be pleasantly surprised by this other T. And believe me, many of us here know how hard these feelings are.
Welcome to Babble!
sunnydaysP.S. I'm in college, too, so don't think you're the only one or that it's weird because you're so young (I just say that because I've thought that)
Posted by Tate_ne on October 31, 2006, at 19:58:06
In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't believe in transference... » Tate_ne, posted by sunnydays on October 31, 2006, at 17:38:18
Thank's for answering! yay!
okay..sorry. ^_^
She told me that she dosen't believe that transference exists.
The lady she wants to refer me to dosen't even have a phd...
Many people say i act out because i want attention. Eariler this year, i was dissociating a lot and i have depression. I feel bad about it because I'm not as emotionally damaged as some of you are.
While reading your message, i was hurting because whenever i'm wih her, i would feel...i don't know. I can't really explain it. Sometimes she would look at me in such a way...i can't even bear to look at her for 5 or so minutes.
I need to get a boyfriend (haha) then i'll be normal...right? When i explain how i feel about her, most people say it's normal to feel that way about your therapist. But when i tell them about how i miss her and other...stuff...they frown. I haven't been in a relationship before...it dosen't mean i'm gay...does it?
I'm not going to do anything irrational. It feels like she's pushing me away. I hope she doesn't think i'm psychotic. that would suck. badly.
> She probably does care about you, but maybe not in the way you're hoping. She cares about you enough to know that there are issues you have that she cannot help you with, because of her therapeutic orientation, or what she psychologically feels comfortable with because of her own issues. She cares enough to suggest this other therapist to you.
>
> And I think that she believes in transference, she just isn't trained to handle it if she's CBT, so maybe suggesting someone else is a way to help you handle it. It's hard to care about a T and wish they cared about you in the same way -- believe me, I know, I just had this conversation with my T last week. He was very accepting of my feelings, but he's not mainly CBT-oriented.
>
> So maybe take her suggestion. You might be pleasantly surprised by this other T. And believe me, many of us here know how hard these feelings are.
>
> Welcome to Babble!
> sunnydays
>
> P.S. I'm in college, too, so don't think you're the only one or that it's weird because you're so young (I just say that because I've thought that)
Posted by sunnydays on October 31, 2006, at 21:19:59
In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't believe in transference.. » sunnydays, posted by Tate_ne on October 31, 2006, at 19:58:06
The therapist I see doesn't have a Phd.... That's not what makes a good therapist, it's their personal qualities, in my experience. I saw a T with a phD and he was a horrible fit for me. Now that I've found this T, I know what a good fit is. His degree is in social work.
Hey.... are you implying I'm emotionally damaged? Well, I am, but that doesn't mean anything. It is often repeated here that "there is no hierarchy of suffering". And that's so true. I feel bad because I wasn't raped, and some people have been. But it really doesn't matter here what you have gone through. I haven't told anyone here what has happened, really, and I still get support. You will too. It doesn't matter why you are feeling bad or having strong feelings - feelings just are, and you deserve support in dealing with them.
I can't look at my T for more than about 30 seconds, so don't worry. But sometimes he will very gently ask me to look at him if he has something important to say where he really wants me to see he's telling the truth. So don't feel bad about not looking at your T.
Transference may not exist. But the feelings you are having do. They don't mean you're gay, and they're perfectly natural. And you deserve to have someone you can talk about them with. That's why I would urge you to consider talking with the person she is considering referring you to. Can you talk with that person before ending with your T and decide which one you would rather continue with?
I personally feel very childlike feelings for my T -- I wish he was my father. But it's perfectly normal to have romantic feelings too, even for a T of the same sex. I promise. It doesn't mean you're gay. I miss my T all the time.
As for having a boyfriend... won't solve the feelings, sorry to say. And I'm 20 and have never had a boyfriend, so I hope that doesn't make me abnormal. ;)
I don't think she thinks you're psychotic, or she'd be referring you to a psychiatrist to get medications, I'm sure. And you don't sound psychotic at all to me.
sunnydays
Posted by Racer on October 31, 2006, at 22:51:53
In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't believe in transference.. » Tate_ne, posted by sunnydays on October 31, 2006, at 21:19:59
>
>
> Hey.... are you implying I'm emotionally damaged? Well, I am, but that doesn't mean anything. It is often repeated here that "there is no hierarchy of suffering".Sunny? I think I'm the one who writes that a lot, and I have to say something to you about this: It felt really good to see you quote it, because it means that you've read what I write. Thank you. I hope it's helped you.
> And that's so true. I feel bad because I wasn't raped, and some people have been.
Trust me, you haven't missed much...
Posted by sunnydays on November 1, 2006, at 7:41:49
In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't believe in transference.. » sunnydays, posted by Racer on October 31, 2006, at 22:51:53
> >
> >
> > Hey.... are you implying I'm emotionally damaged? Well, I am, but that doesn't mean anything. It is often repeated here that "there is no hierarchy of suffering".
>
> Sunny? I think I'm the one who writes that a lot, and I have to say something to you about this: It felt really good to see you quote it, because it means that you've read what I write. Thank you. I hope it's helped you.
It has, thank you. And I read what you write a lot. I can't always reply for various reasons, but I really enjoy what you write, and it really is very helpful.>
> > And that's so true. I feel bad because I wasn't raped, and some people have been.
>
> Trust me, you haven't missed much...Yeah, I realized after I posted that it might sound different than I meant it. It wasn't that I want that, it's just I use it as an excuse to say that my problems aren't real and therefore I should just hurry up and get over them. But again, there is no hierarchy of suffering, as I'm trying to remember.
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on November 1, 2006, at 9:07:10
In reply to My therapist doesn't believe in transference..., posted by Tate_ne on October 31, 2006, at 16:31:49
I think your therapist has given you a good suggestion and you ought to seriously consider it. She just might not feel that she has been trained to do therapy that is based on the therapeutic relationship. Not all therapists are.
PhD's aren't the most important thing. A good fit and a therapist who knows how to help you in the ways that you need help are the most important thing.
And I rather suspect that your therapist kept those things in mind when making a recommendation. After all, she's had time to get to know you and I'm sure she wants what's best for you.
Feelings are feelings. They just are. They aren't right or wrong or good or bad. The therapist that was recommended to you might just be the right person to help you sort out those feelings.
Nothing truly horrible has happened to me in my life. I just have a finely wired nervous system. Therapy and meds can be enormously helpful.
Posted by Racer on November 1, 2006, at 12:29:33
In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't believe in transference.., posted by sunnydays on November 1, 2006, at 7:41:49
> > >> Yeah, I realized after I posted that it might sound different than I meant it. It wasn't that I want that, it's just I use it as an excuse to say that my problems aren't real and therefore I should just hurry up and get over them.
No, I understand what you mean. I was trying to make a little joke of it. I do have that sort of abuse in my background, and yet I feel the same way sometimes -- I never had the ambivalence that a lot of people have had, because it wasn't a trusted and loved father who abused me, so why aren't I over it yet? That sort of thing.
Sorry for the confusion.
Posted by Tate_ne on November 1, 2006, at 14:34:49
In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't believe in transference.. » Tate_ne, posted by Dinah on November 1, 2006, at 9:07:10
But it's hard for me to trust someone...it took us almost 3 months to form a decent relationship.
I don't want to not see her. The month we took off from each other was so hard...i don't think i can take MONTHS...
I know what i can do...i can try hard to focus on goals. Oh gah....now that i think about it...I ruined everything. She probably wants me to go away now...instead of focusing on goals. I should've focused when she told me to...I hope she didn't think i was complaining and acting like a spoiled brat when i was talking to her about random things. Because she's CBT, that's probably what she was thinking, "Shut up already." Gah...i screwed up.
She so fricken beautiful though....and non conventional, even with her mistakes and vulnerabilities. I wish she would just tell me she's married.
> I think your therapist has given you a good suggestion and you ought to seriously consider it. She just might not feel that she has been trained to do therapy that is based on the therapeutic relationship. Not all therapists are.
>
> PhD's aren't the most important thing. A good fit and a therapist who knows how to help you in the ways that you need help are the most important thing.
>
> And I rather suspect that your therapist kept those things in mind when making a recommendation. After all, she's had time to get to know you and I'm sure she wants what's best for you.
>
> Feelings are feelings. They just are. They aren't right or wrong or good or bad. The therapist that was recommended to you might just be the right person to help you sort out those feelings.
>
> Nothing truly horrible has happened to me in my life. I just have a finely wired nervous system. Therapy and meds can be enormously helpful.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 2, 2006, at 14:42:55
In reply to Re: My therapist doesn't believe in transference.. » Dinah, posted by Tate_ne on November 1, 2006, at 14:34:49
Hi Tate,
welcome to psycho-babble,
I guess I have the same advice as others.the personal feelings you have for your therapist are worth exploring, but often such intense transference can only be explored by a T that is comfortable with an approach towards therapy that emphasizes the healing potential of transference.
The other thing is that your T knows that you are struggling with these feelings and wants to be able to help you (with CBT) but knows that CBT is not really the tool to get the job done.
Also, many campus mental health places only treat people for a limited number of sessions, and maybe your T thinks you might benefit from someone who is more available and also who is available for the long run.
I'm sorry you're hurting. It sounds like you are having your heart broken. T-client relationships take on that quality sometimes-- you're not the only one.
If you check out the Psychology board there are a lot of people who write about their ongoing struggles to understand the therapeutic relationship. (myself included...!)
take care,
-Li
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.