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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 20:46:28
I can totally relate to stuff I've read here lately about not wanting to grow up, or wanting to be little again, wanting to be on a lap, be held, feel safe. I've been longing for it so badly for so long. I don't know how we really ever get over this. I want a mommy.I also really want a partner. I'm not sure whether I want my partner (if and when I ever might find one) to be my mommy. Right now I think that's sort of what I want, but that doesn't seem healthy. I'm only really drawn to women in their mid-forties, kind of pretty, showing a little age, some imperfection, kind, with a nice smile and glasses.
Somehow, my therapists always seem to end up fitting the bill. Not sure if they shape the bill or the bill shapes them, if that makes any sense. I just want to sit on my therapist's lap tomorrow, and nestle my head between her shoulder and her face, against her neck. Maybe nuzzle her a little. But I would crush her. I'm too big. Why couldn't I have been born a kitty or a lap dog? They get to love and nuzzle anyone they like all their lives, and no one ever says, "Hey, doggy! Aren't you kind of big to be wanting love??? Go act your age!" No. They just pet them and talk goofy talk at them and give them snacks under the table.
I need a really good wife.
Posted by justyourlaugh on July 13, 2005, at 23:10:41
In reply to I actually really, really, really want some love, posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 20:46:28
they are out there..
my hubby lets me "crush" him when i need him to nuzzle me..
your description is very healthy...we all need to be taking care of ..and we all need to care for someone..
she will come when you are not looking..
she will need you as much as you need to be loved.
Posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 23:31:05
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some love, posted by justyourlaugh on July 13, 2005, at 23:10:41
jyl, your post made me cry. in a good way. thank you.
Posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 23:45:20
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some love, posted by justyourlaugh on July 13, 2005, at 23:10:41
i haven't cried like this in a while. i guess it's good. i guess i need to. i just wish i knew why.
Posted by justyourlaugh on July 13, 2005, at 23:59:43
In reply to now i can't stop crying, posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 23:45:20
you are crying for you..
you are cying for me..
you are crying for loss..
you do not have to have someting , to morn its absence..even if all the apples were in the cart..pain can still cripple..
..cry...maybe you will get a good sleep out of it..
j
Posted by bimini on July 14, 2005, at 9:18:14
In reply to I actually really, really, really want some love, posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 20:46:28
That makes sense 'they shape the bill or the bill shapes them'.
We all crave attention and affection, don't think we get over it. A Mommy's love is unconditional, a pet will love you regardless if the house is a mess or you are grumpy. Partners don't came in this unconditional variety, requiring compromise and respect of individuality.
Now I think love can be found by keeping eyes open. Eyes wide open and smiling back.
bimini
Posted by gabbii on July 14, 2005, at 18:24:41
In reply to I actually really, really, really want some love, posted by crushedout on July 13, 2005, at 20:46:28
>
> I can totally relate to stuff I've read here lately about not wanting to grow up, or wanting to be little again, wanting to be on a lap, be held, feel safe. I've been longing for it so badly for so long. I don't know how we really ever get over this. I want a mommy.
>Oh, *sigh* I have that craving so often.
I wonder if it can be healthy to have a "Mommy"
I mean Aren't all relationships a little sick?
I know that there are not many proffessionals
would say it was healthy, but if you need to be mothered and you find someone who likes to mother and who's not power tripping it could work I think.I had that once, with my girlfriend Jamie, we were together for about a year and a half.
At first it was so wonderful, I finally understood why the heterosexual couples I saw could not keep their hands off of each other in public.
I'd never felt that way with a guy.
She was a complete mother, but wow, when it goes bad it goes.. really really bad.
She turned out to be very abusive, in the most insidious brilliant way (like something from a movie) I ended up being like slave-girl, and then she'd be motherly and comforting again, and I ended up getting so confused. Confused is not the word actually..
I ended up in the psych ward.. My first time!
(Hat's off to you Jamie, you lousy souse)
There's something funny about this though, I can laugh about it now.
When I went to see my psychiatrist I told him about the relationship, and he recommended a therapist "Who dealt with these issues"
Now I lived in a city, with about as many therapists as there must be in California..
He gave me a name.. I went to see her, and she was the woman Jamie was cheating on me with.
I had NO idea, I didn't know her by name.
Yoiks..
So I vowed I'd never date another woman again, because I never ever want to be that in love again..
Or whatever it was.
Of the three women she dated directly after me,
One attempted suicide, One became a drug addict,
and the other one moved to Japan just to get away.
She was such a charmer.boy did I ramble on there..
I've mentioned the relationship on the board before (in case anyone is confused) but I never said Jamie was a woman before, I was shy..
Posted by crushedout on July 14, 2005, at 19:26:42
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some love » crushedout, posted by gabbii on July 14, 2005, at 18:24:41
wow, gabbi, that is really interesting. i often feel kinda lonely as one of the only lesbians on this site. i'm intrigued. what do you do now? do you date guys? i understand your fear but i think love is kind of important.can i ask how old you are?
babblemail me if you prefer.
Posted by crushedout on July 14, 2005, at 19:38:12
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some love » crushedout, posted by gabbii on July 14, 2005, at 18:24:41
although i realize that it's always scary to be vulnerable, and lots of relationships are f'ed up, like yours was, there are women out there who won't treat you badly (abuse you) but can instead be a positive force in your life. or, so i've heard, anyway. sometimes i believe it.
Posted by gabbii on July 14, 2005, at 21:27:44
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » gabbii, posted by crushedout on July 14, 2005, at 19:26:42
>
> wow, gabbi, that is really interesting. i often feel kinda lonely as one of the only lesbians on this site. i'm intrigued. what do you do now? do you date guys? i understand your fear but i think love is kind of important.Oh I'm glad you were interested, I realized after I'd laid all that out I'd feel like a real noob
if no one responded!I can't really answer those questions myself.
The passion/connection I had with Jamie was like nothing I've experienced, had things not gotten so abusive, I would have stayed with her forever.
Actually frightening as the thought is now, I might have stayed with her anyway..She's the only person I've dated who I had no hesitations about spending my life with, she was home to me. I don't consider myself gay though, Not because I'm afraid of the label, (I'm floored when I meet people who consider it worthy of note that someone is gay) but because I've never really been attracted that way to another woman (k.d lang aside : )
But I'm not usually physically attracted to men either..
All my relationships have been abusive, some of them terribly, aside from one when I was 17, and a long distance one. I've never had anyone I've been with anything but rough with me, and I find it bewildering. I crave softness so much that seeing someone get kissed on the forehead in that sweet affectionate way makes me cry.I asked my former fiance for a hug once and ended up getting strangled and had to call 911..
I have great friends though, so I don't know *what* my problem is.
I didn't really make a decision not to date, but I just find relationships are something I can't seem to handle emotionally.. seems I'm always being devastated, so I just got used to being on my own.
It worries me sometimes, I would really really love more than anything to have someone on my side, and have someone I could lavish with attention.. but it just has never worked out that way.
You know this is more than I've ever revealed about myself on this board ever. I hope you are suitably honoured.
Did I even answer any of your questions?
I'm 36 by the way..
and I still get ID'd regularly for cigarrettes
I had to add that *g*
I'll probably babblemail you anyway.
Or you can Babblemail me too!
>
Posted by AuntieMel on July 15, 2005, at 10:17:55
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » gabbii, posted by crushedout on July 14, 2005, at 19:26:42
You should not feel lonely on babble.
I think there are probably many "unconfessed" lesbians here.
And many, many more of us with loved ones (my sister) who are lesbians and couldn't give a rat's behine one way or the other.
Love is love, and gender doesn't matter. What matters is finding someone you can be yourself with.
It can be hard to find, but it usually shows up when you don't expect it and when you aren't looking. But I firmly believe it is there for everyone.
Posted by crushedout on July 15, 2005, at 11:25:15
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » crushedout, posted by AuntieMel on July 15, 2005, at 10:17:55
i appreciate that very much auntiemel.it's weird, though -- it's not because i feel like folks are homophobic or don't like me because i'm gay. it's because so many people talk about their "hubbies" and i can't imagine ever having or wanting one. it baffles the heck out of me, and not in a good way. part of it is that i'm mad/upset/bewildered that so many women are straight, because it's makes it hard to find love for a lesbian. it's kind of hard to explain. could be whole long thread unto itself, and a tricky one at that.
i wish it were true that gender didn't matter. but i know what you mean. it *shouldn't* matter, i suppose.
> You should not feel lonely on babble.
>
> I think there are probably many "unconfessed" lesbians here.
>
> And many, many more of us with loved ones (my sister) who are lesbians and couldn't give a rat's behine one way or the other.
>
> Love is love, and gender doesn't matter. What matters is finding someone you can be yourself with.
>
> It can be hard to find, but it usually shows up when you don't expect it and when you aren't looking. But I firmly believe it is there for everyone.
Posted by crazy teresa on July 15, 2005, at 14:44:42
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some love » crushedout, posted by gabbii on July 14, 2005, at 18:24:41
My two best friends are very mothering and loving. I've often wondered if it was that quality in them that attracted me to them and the friendships. They need to give it and I need it plus they don't want it and I don't mother them.
My mom was not/is not mothering. What about yours?
crazy t
Posted by crushedout on July 15, 2005, at 14:52:06
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some love, posted by crazy teresa on July 15, 2005, at 14:44:42
I think my mom *was* pretty mothering, although she had deep flaws as a mother. But she was very snuggly with me, physically affectionate (even gave me a lot of backrubs, etc.) -- and that's what I crave more than anything. Physical closeness to a mother figure, but not one like my *own* mother at all, mind you. The mother figures I'm attracted to now are notably distinct from my mother.But I do often wonder why why why me? I mean, since I got a decent amount of love as a kid, why am I so desperate for more motherlove as an adult, when no one seems willing or able to give it to me?
Lots of kids are neglected and I can totally understand why they would have this problem. I guess I must have been deprived, too, in some way. Or is this a universal longing?
I drove my T crazy with these questions yesterday. Actually, she didn't mind them. She just didn't have any answers for me. And we only had 30 seconds left in the session. These are not the kinds of philosophical questions one can wrap up in 30 seconds. lol.
Posted by crushedout on July 15, 2005, at 14:58:20
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some love, posted by crazy teresa on July 15, 2005, at 14:44:42
I do find it hopeful that there are people in the world who want to *give* mothering. Because I want to take mothering so I might be able to have something symbiotic with someone someday, as I think gabbi sort of suggested on the other board maybe? or this one. (I have two threads going on this subject so it's a little confusing.)
Interestingly, I think I can also crave to be nurturing/mothering (unlike you). I have a desire to give love to children and animals and sometimes also big, needy grown-ups like me. So hey! Maybe there is all *kinds* of hope. :-)
(any takers? anyone wanna baby-mother? one cute baby-mother, selling cheap here!)
Posted by crazy teresa on July 15, 2005, at 16:36:14
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » crazy teresa, posted by crushedout on July 15, 2005, at 14:58:20
My family was not a touchy-feely family. I have been very aware of this and tried hard to show my children love with touches rather than just FEED them! My grandma won't say she loves me or hug me, but she'll cook for a week before you get there!!!
I tend to want to mother men. (From always desiring my dad's love and not feeling it?) It seems like each time we've had friends who have divorced, I end up becoming the mom (to the man) they depend on until they start to date again. Nothing physical, just conversations and feeding them.
I LOVE backrubs too! That's how my mom always put my brother and I to sleep when we were little. Fortunately my husband is very accomadating. One of the most luxurious feelings in the world to me is to have him run his fingers over my back until after I fall asleep. I wake up feeling like the cat that stole all the cream!
There's a very interesting book (I'll have to remember the title and let you know) about your ancestors' culture and the way you relate to others. For example, my family originated in Ireland and we don't touch. Look at the way the Irish dance. Hands and arms straight down at their sides. It was kind of eerie to read and see these things in people I know!
Posted by AuntieMel on July 15, 2005, at 17:40:01
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » AuntieMel, posted by crushedout on July 15, 2005, at 11:25:15
I had to giggle.
If you knew the number of times I've heard all the good men are taken. or gay.
Posted by crushedout on July 15, 2005, at 18:25:39
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » crushedout, posted by AuntieMel on July 15, 2005, at 17:40:01
yeah, you have a point. you know what else is ironic? straight men are really hot for lesbians. i could find a boyfriend in about two seconds. it's like a giant, miserable, cosmic love triangle.it's so funny i could cry.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 16, 2005, at 16:11:19
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » AuntieMel, posted by crushedout on July 15, 2005, at 18:25:39
Not all straight men are hot for lesbians. I suspect a large number of those who are also have large egos and think that 'the girl just didn't meet someone man enough.'
Posted by crushedout on July 16, 2005, at 16:13:32
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » crushedout, posted by AuntieMel on July 16, 2005, at 16:11:19
but i bet the majority are. believe me, i know. :)
Posted by crushedout on July 16, 2005, at 16:15:28
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » crushedout, posted by AuntieMel on July 16, 2005, at 16:11:19
at least let me be part of the triangle! it's bad enough not being able to have all the women that the straight men are getting.
Posted by gabbii on July 16, 2005, at 16:47:52
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » crushedout, posted by AuntieMel on July 16, 2005, at 16:11:19
> Not all straight men are hot for lesbians. I suspect a large number of those who are also have large egos and think that 'the girl just didn't meet someone man enough.'
They are too! Every single last one of them, well okay maybe two aren't.
Except they think all lesbians look the girls posing as lesbians in men's magazine who ALWAYS ALWAYS have long fingernails
so darn realistic...
Posted by crushedout on July 16, 2005, at 16:49:57
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » AuntieMel, posted by gabbii on July 16, 2005, at 16:47:52
yeah, they're usually not attracted to *actual* lesbians. good point, gab. thank you for saving me here. i was falling into a pit.
Posted by Mal on July 16, 2005, at 18:22:07
In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » crushedout, posted by crazy teresa on July 15, 2005, at 16:36:14
> My family was not a touchy-feely family. I have been very aware of this and tried hard to show my children love with touches rather than just FEED them! My grandma won't say she loves me or hug me, but she'll cook for a week before you get there!!!
>
This sounds like my Dad and his side of the family!>I wake up feeling like the cat that stole all the cream!
>
This sounds liek something my grandmother would have said...> There's a very interesting book (I'll have to remember the title and let you know) about your ancestors' culture and the way you relate to others. For example, my family originated in Ireland and we don't touch. Look at the way the Irish dance. Hands and arms straight down at their sides. It was kind of eerie to read and see these things in people I know!
THat is interesting about the book!
My Mom is pretty touchy-feely, and Dad has always been warm with me- I'd sit on his lap, and he'd hug HELLO or BYE, but NEVER has he said "I love you". Mom didn't say it much either till I was grown. Mom and my paternal g'mother will feed you till you pop!
Ya'll have a great weekend!
MAL
Posted by Dinah on July 17, 2005, at 16:34:35
In reply to maybe not all » AuntieMel, posted by crushedout on July 16, 2005, at 16:13:32
All the ones I've had the sort of relationship that they would confide such things have told me they are. :)
Even my therapist made a remark about it being a common male fantasy that made it sound like he was one of those common males. It was the closest he ever came to disclosing his own fantasies.
I think it may be like most fantasies though. It comes layered with all sorts of things that wouldn't translate to reality well.
You know, like it wouldn't really feel all that good to curl up on my therapist's lap. I'd have to be the size of a small child or kitten or something. The logistics would just not be satisfying.
This is the end of the thread.
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