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really want some love *poss trigger* » crushedout

Posted by gabbii on July 14, 2005, at 21:27:44

In reply to Re: I actually really, really, really want some lo » gabbii, posted by crushedout on July 14, 2005, at 19:26:42

>
> wow, gabbi, that is really interesting. i often feel kinda lonely as one of the only lesbians on this site. i'm intrigued. what do you do now? do you date guys? i understand your fear but i think love is kind of important.

Oh I'm glad you were interested, I realized after I'd laid all that out I'd feel like a real noob
if no one responded!

I can't really answer those questions myself.
The passion/connection I had with Jamie was like nothing I've experienced, had things not gotten so abusive, I would have stayed with her forever.
Actually frightening as the thought is now, I might have stayed with her anyway..

She's the only person I've dated who I had no hesitations about spending my life with, she was home to me. I don't consider myself gay though, Not because I'm afraid of the label, (I'm floored when I meet people who consider it worthy of note that someone is gay) but because I've never really been attracted that way to another woman (k.d lang aside : )
But I'm not usually physically attracted to men either..
All my relationships have been abusive, some of them terribly, aside from one when I was 17, and a long distance one. I've never had anyone I've been with anything but rough with me, and I find it bewildering. I crave softness so much that seeing someone get kissed on the forehead in that sweet affectionate way makes me cry.I asked my former fiance for a hug once and ended up getting strangled and had to call 911..


I have great friends though, so I don't know *what* my problem is.
I didn't really make a decision not to date, but I just find relationships are something I can't seem to handle emotionally.. seems I'm always being devastated, so I just got used to being on my own.
It worries me sometimes, I would really really love more than anything to have someone on my side, and have someone I could lavish with attention.. but it just has never worked out that way.
You know this is more than I've ever revealed about myself on this board ever. I hope you are suitably honoured.
Did I even answer any of your questions?


I'm 36 by the way..
and I still get ID'd regularly for cigarrettes
I had to add that *g*


I'll probably babblemail you anyway.
Or you can Babblemail me too!


>


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poster:gabbii thread:527313
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